I’m sorry for the formatting or spelling. I’m typing this on the side of the road because I feel like I need quick responses on this.
I have been with my fiance for 6 years. I am 26f, he is 32m.
He has always had a short temper and often picks arguments over small things but he’s so very kind every other time that i have looked past it and maybe hoped to help him chill out? He’s funny and I really do love him. I do my best to avoid arguments but sometimes its impossible.
Anyway, we had gone to a beach about 45 minutes away from home located in a state park which is not staffed or really patrolled well at all today and had been drinking and swimming and having a generally good time. I remember feeling so happy and content because we hadnt argued in several days and he’d been in a good mood etc.
We began to leave and started heading home, still in good spirits. The beach was located in a remote area and neither of us had phone signal to use the gps to leave. He began to yell and take his anger out on the steering wheel and i instantly felt defensive, like every happy moment of the day was crumbling right there because usually once this behavior starts, the day is ruined. I made the mistake of yelling back at him that he needed to chill out, quit making everything such a huge deal, etc. I regret this but I just felt so overwhelmed. I just wanted the good vibes to continue ya know?
We argued back and forth for a few more moments before he angrily pulled the truck to a small paved parking lot where people usually stop to rest or grill food, that kind of thing. He screamed at me to get out and (like an idiot) i did, and he left me there. I sat in the brush and cried for a few minutes before a man approached me and started asking kind of uncomfortable questions about where i was from, who i was with, where they were. I tried to be friendly in the hopes my fiance would return soon, but the stranger started touching my hands and offered me a ride home and it made me scared so i lied and said i had to go meet my boyfriend at a spot nearby and walked down the road quickly.
I made it about a quarter of a mile away before i sat by a little pond where some people were fishing. I had no cell phone signal to call anyone to get me and i was scared to ask for help so i just sat there and tried not to panic for almost 3 hours. I was alone the majority of the time, as when I arrived the only people around were already packed and leaving.
From 4pm-630pm i was left alone in the forest, until i was able to find cell phone service after wandering for a bit and called my fiances mom to come get me. It is now almost 8pm and i am extremely sun burnt and thirsty (i am quite pale and had been drinking all day until he left) but I finally walked far enough to get signal to call his mom for help. I haven’t spoken to him yet but he has sent several messages (that I just got, seeing as I had no signal) basically just asking where I was and complaining that I had his wallet in my purse. I’m still waiting for my ride to get here, still very lost and upset.
I feel so hurt and betrayed and as if this was a huge overraction on his end but i do love him and if its my fault i want to know. It was such a scary experience which is why i feel it was too much
Edit: I wanted to say thank you to anyone who has left a comment since there are too many to reply one at a a time. So: thank you.
I am currently safe and staying the night with my mom. After my fiance and his mom finally found me after a stranger noticed me on the side of the road and drove me around the park for 15 minutes looking for them, they both started in at me that this is all my fault because I should have just refused to get out of the car to begin with. I realize that is what logic would tell you to do, but it’s hard to be logical when you are upset, tipsy and being screamed at.
He also claimed that he looked for me for 2 hours before leaving to rally help in looking. His mom swears up and down he’s telling the truth too but I don’t believe it. I sat in the spot he left me for at least 30 minutes before I was scared off by a stranger, and then I sat in a very visible, heavily trafficked area next to a creek that was maybe a quarter mile from where i started with no visual barriers whatsoever for another 2.5. I never saw or heard him drive by once. I remember listening closely for him because his truck is loud and I would have heard it coming.
I can see now that he has put me in grave danger (maybe even more danger than I realized at the time) he has still not apologized, but I don’t expect him to because he thinks he is right in this.
I’m going to try and remove him from my life and spend some time alone. I will admit that in my quest for love and closeness, I have let him and other men treat me less than great just to keep them around.
Thank you all again for helping me understand what a door mat ive been. In trying to force this man to love me I have forgotten to love myself.
29 comments
There is no coming back from this
Sister, you need to leave. You could have been raped and killed, or worse. And yes, there is worse. Do not fall for anymore excuses. He is an abusive, dangerous, thoughtless man. You deserve better. Please gather up your courage and leave him.
I hope you are done with this person.
He left you with zero concern for your safety. He made his decision about how he feels about you. He left you on the side of the road like trash. His behavior and abuse are unacceptable. What you are describing is the cycle of abuse. You need to make your decision. You need to leave him like the piece of garbage he is. Truly, your safety needs to be your concern. Marriage won’t change him or make it better.
Girl, stop saying you love him. He’s abusive… he’s a horrible partner. Love alone isn’t enough to make any relationship work. Do yourself a favour, move on.
OMG please please seriously reconsider your relationship with this man. Anything could have happened to you and worse what is the next situation. He has proven that you are not safe with him and he has serious anger issues.
You can expect many years of this to come unless you break up the cycle now. The abuse will get worse, to the point it could end your life.
Get out now while you can. Make a list of people you can count on and trust. Make a list of phone numbers for emergencies and prepare you finances.
You do not deserve this.
I really hope you leave this dude. He had no care for you or your safety.
This is not salvageable. It’s dump time.
Break up with him, he is a terrible person.
This is beyond the pale. You could have been raped or murdered and he’s worried about his wallet. My god. Get out now this man is a selfish lunatic.
Would you want to have children with someone so selfish and with the emotional regulation capacity of a toddler?
I hope that you realize the severity of this situation..
“Hi Reddit, Id like to know what you all think of this. Im (20f) dating Satan (1,000,000 BC m), he’s usually super nice and funny except for the times he flicks a lighter at my hair, beats me or yells at me. He also verbally abuses me and makes me cry, but other than that he’s my best friend and I love him soooooo much.
I let him take my car and my credit card and he says Im not getting those back either. Oh well, I love him.
Last night I found an ad on Craigslist where he had me up for sale by the hour. First come first served with no safeword. I protested mildly since he didnt ask first, next thing I knew I was in the ER with 3rd degree burns and a concussion.
I dont know Reddit, I think I might be at fault here because I wasnt respecting his wants or needs?…? What do you think? He says all will be perfect if I just start respecting him. I love him and to bear his baby demons is my lifes dearest wish.”
This type of stuff is all over Reddit.
GIRL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHEN YOU SEE THE DEVIL, RUN. How many true crime scenarios start off just like what he did to you?!! I exhort you and those like you to develop more of a sense of self preservation!!! Also please run every card in this wallet through the shredder.
Why dont ppl date the Lil Nas X version of Satan, he at least looks like a fun time.
smh
#DTMFA
You deserve so much better.
Leaving may ultimately save your life!
“But I loooove him!”
Oh, please. Does he actually have to start hitting you before you realise what a shit stain he is?
You are constantly changing your behavior so HE doesn’t get into a bad mood or tantrum. What will you do if you have a child with him? Will you let him treat your child like this and have them this scared? No? Well you are someone’s child and you’re letting him treat you this way. Be better to yourself and dump him.
You could have died of exposure. This should end things. He is dangerous.
This is the sign. You have to leave him. I was in your situation, always walking on eggshells. What he did to you was deplorable. You need to be angry at him. Please stand up for yourself and leave this man
If you don’t break up with him now, you may as well just start planning your own funeral. He may kill you, or if he doesn’t and you stay with him you will be so sad and miserable you will wish you were dead!!
Idk I mean your abusive boyfriend left you for dead, what are you asking?
>He has always had a short temper and often picks arguments over small things but he’s so very kind every other time that i have looked past it and maybe hoped to help him chill out?
Unfortunately it comes down to this.
No, you can’t help him chill out. Even a few days of absolute highs won’t stop even the most minor inconvenience causing him to spiral. He may be kind when he is stable, but his ability to regulate his stress is at near zero and once he is off balance he has zero empathy, care, or consideration for you… heck, if anything he becomes spiteful and petty and cruel.
You were put in genuine peril. Exposure, assault, etc. You just went through it, you know how bad it could have gone. And he, upset or not, contrived and condoned that danger to you.
It doesn’t get better. It wasn’t a lack of good times, a lack of love, a lack of consideration from a partner that was the problem. Even when you offer all those things he doesn’t ‘chill out’ because the problem is that he just can’t regulate his emotions. You will waste your entire life living like this pretending things will be different next time.
Jesus Christ. Do not under any circumstances maintain a relationship with this man. I hope you are safe. Please take care of yourself.
This is abusive behavior. He was complaining about you having his wallet? The uncontrollable anger also leads to concern that he’ll physically abuse you, if he isn’t already.
Woman Alone. Angry BF. national Park. This is the kind of situation that ends up on Dateline.
You end to leave him. NOW! Seriously.
I NEVER comment but girl please drop him for your safety
oh honey… I know from experience trauma bonding can be hot and exhilarating but my heart broke a little at “feeling really happy and content bc we hadn’t argued in several days…”
I haven’t argued with my wife this *year*
You had that FAMILIAR sink in your stomach when he started yelling. You knew what was coming, you just didn’t know how bad it would be, THIS TIME.
>He has always had a short temper and often picks arguments over small things but he’s so very kind every other time
Kind people don’t do those things.
>i have looked past it and maybe hoped to help him chill out?
You don’t exist to solve another human beings problems at the expense of your own safety.
> I do my best to avoid arguments
Is he putting in the same amount of work to “avoid arguments,” or is it just you walking on eggshells around him for fear of him flipping out?
> I remember feeling so happy and content because we hadnt argued in several days and he’d been in a good mood etc.
Do your arguments often coincide with your fiancé’s bad moods? Does he make a habit of channeling his negative emotions into aggression aimed at you?
>He began to yell and take his anger out on the steering wheel
He wasn’t taking his anger out on the steering wheel. He was taking it out on you.
>i instantly felt defensive
Because your body knew you were in danger, because he has done this before.
>I made the mistake of yelling back at him that he needed to chill out
You did not make a mistake. You *reacted.* Your fiancé was behaving violent and erratic, and you *reacted* to *his* violence.
> I regret this but I just felt so overwhelmed. I just wanted the good vibes to continue ya know?
You wanted the good vibes to continue, or you were terrified of the consequences you would have to face if you weren’t able to properly manage your fiancé’s emotions?
>He screamed at me to get out and (like an idiot) i did
You were not an idiot. A violent man screamed at you to get out of his vehicle. You did the right thing.
>complaining that I had his wallet in my purse.
Your safety is worth less to him than his wallet.
>if its my fault i want to know.
Why are you deferring to his judgement when you were the one who was harmed as a result of his actions? Why should he get to be the one to decide that?
>they both started in at me that this is all my fault because I should have just refused to get out of the car to begin with. I realize that is what logic would tell you to do, but it’s hard to be logical when you are upset, tipsy and being screamed at.
Logic would NOT tell you to do that. A violent man who was driving a vehicle after drinking screamed at you to get out of his vehicle. What would have happened if you stayed? If you DIDN’T listen to him? Would he find a way for that to be the wrong answer too? Maybe this isn’t actually about logic. Maybe it’s about making sure you are always in the wrong, so he feels justified in whatever he needs to take out on you.
>he has still not apologized, but I don’t expect him to
He will not apologize, because he cannot allow you to think you are right, even though you are. You being right means he has to be accountable for his actions.
>I’m going to try and remove him from my life
Do not try. DO.
I’m not exaggerating when I say your life is at stake. I am a domestic violence expert and survivor, and I am confident when I say that based on what you’ve written here, this man is VERY CLOSE to killing you. Here he has pushed the boundaries of what you are willing to accept from him. If you give him ANY indication that you will take him back after this, he will escalate.
Your love isn’t different or special. You will not fix or change him. He has already changed you in ways that will likely take years to unpack.
Get out of that situation and cut contact with anyone who is in touch with him ASAP. He is dangerous.
Wow, you described the three cycles of an abusive relationship in the first paragraph:
1. honeymoon
2. walking on eggshells
3. eruption