I find my wife beautiful and very attractive. We have been married 6 years, together for over 10. She is capable of being VERY sexy – she has dressed up in the past for dates etc and she looks gorgeous. She has a shimmery black dress that she wears with tights and heels, very sexy. She has a longsleeve, high-neck green dress that she wears with boots, very sexy. She has a pair of leggings that she wears with a white blouse/shirt thing, very sexy. She wore a t-shirt once with jean shorts, and black tights underneath, with converse shoes, very sexy. I can keep going. EVERY time she has worn these things, I have EXPLICITLY told her she looks amazing and sexy.
However, when she wants to do something nice/sexy for me in bed, she puts on outfits that are…not very sexy. I don’t know how else to describe it. She has this leopard-print top that is like almost a “wife-beater”/tank top. It’s not very flattering on her, and it looks tacky. She has this nighty/dress thing that is almost like a beach cover to wear over a swimsuit? Idk. She wears it when she’s “trying” to be sexy for me but it’s really not good on her. OF COURSE I am still aroused by her, and I recognize and appreciate the effort, and we have good sex. The clothes come off anyway so it really doesn’t matter too much, but here I am I guess.
Anyway, I rambled a bit, but the point is this: my wife is absolutely capable of being insanely sexy. However, the things she THINKS are sexy on her just aren’t, and I don’t know how to tactfully tell her. Sometimes she gets shy/uncomfortable about talking about sex things, so I really want to be careful in how I approach it. Thanks!
35 comments
You don’t.
If she feels sexy in them don’t destroy her confidence. You already said you recognize the effort and the clothes come off anyway so keep that mindset, you’re already handling it correctly with that mindset.
If you would like her to try things you do think are sexy and it bothers you that she doesnt, buying her some things as a gift like others suggested is a good idea. Don’t tell her you don’t think these outfits that give her confidence are unflattering.
The difference between looking sexy (for you) and feeling sexy (for herself)
Have you thought about the fact that she feels good in those clothes. She’s not wearing inappropriate clothes out in public and like you said they come off anyway. Is it really necessary to say something? My guess, it’s not.
There’s no way to say it that won’t hurt her feelings, or make her doubt herself. Leave it alone.
Did you consider the possibility that those clothes make *her feel* sexy?
Woman here! First, I just want to say I home you embrace what a great problem you have on your hands! You have a wife who you think is sexy, she wants to be sexy for you, and it sounds like you to are still really attracted to each other and trying to keep that up. Awesome.
Now, this is still a problem – sure a small one- so I’ll give my advice, but just wanted to offer the perspective of you two are doing great!
So don’t tell her. But, start telling her when you DO find her sexy. When my partner says I smell nice, that’s the perfume I buy again, when my partner likes an outfit, I wear it again and make a note. If he says the same type of thing (like shorts and a tshirt) is sexy multiple times, I see the pattern and adjust accordingly.
This isn’t a quick fix, and won’t always work, but it doesn’t need to right? Like if you see her put on the leopard shirt, you know it is coming off soon for a good cause, so no need to fight it. But, your wife is likely a smart person and will figure out and adjust if you compliment her when she does look sexy, and especially if certain outfits you really like result in hot sex.
My current partner is not in to lingerie, my previous two partners were. I was wearing uncomfortable lace with my current partner that was coming off in two seconds, with no comment on how I looked like a goddess. But, a low cut tank top or anything in a retro style was getting all the compliments (also ripped off quickly), and so I got the point without feeling bad, everyone has preferences and he wasn’t putting down the lingerie, just reacting more strongly to other looks. Now I get to wear comfortable underwear and still have hot sex. Everyone wins.
Buy her what you’d like to see her in. Don’t even mention not liking the other clothes. She’ll clear them out of the rotation for the stuff she knows you want to see, and if she doesn’t, ok, you tried. Definitely don’t say anything negative about what she has now. I’d love it if someone did this for me.
Don’t say anything. Her clothes make her feel sexy and that’s all that matters. Support her.
Don’t tell her you don’t find those clothes sexy, instead emphasize how much you like certain clothes
My husband tells me when he doesn’t think an outfit is sexy. I insist on him telling me and I tell him that I am able to differentiate between me not being sexy and the outfit not being sexy. So it is not an insult to me. And I hate wearing something that I think is gonna impress him like all day or night but he doesn’t actually like it. In the past I was mad at him for not telling me an outfit was not looking good on me until we were already outside and in the middle of our outing. He was thinking that he shouldn’t say anything because he respects my decision to wear what I want. I need him to tell me before we go out, so I can go and change. I know I can wear whatever but I really value his opinion and would love to look good for him.
So tell her but make sure that she knows it is the outfit and not her.
Don’t tell her, but maybe buy her some stuff that you find sexy. I would LOVE for my partner to buy me lingerie (he won’t because I’m plus-sozr and he’s terrified of buying something in the wrong size 🤷🏼♀️) but he’s never complained about the stuff I do wear.
Have you considered buying things you find sexy as a gift for her? As others have said, she’s likely wearing things that make her feel sexy, and it won’t help your situation to steer her away from that altogether, but perhaps introducing something new (“I saw this and it made me think of how sexy you would look in it, so I bought it”) would help her understand what you like.
I would just go out and buy some lingerie as a gift to spice up the bedroom. Give her something to follow that you want to see her in.
Sometimes you just do not say anything. Nothing good will come of you telling her this.
Don’t destroy her confidence by putting down the outfits you don’t like, but rather, help her to look good by giving extra compliments when she wears outfits you like. Don’t let others make you feel bad about wanting to see your girl in an outfit that you personally like, there’s nothing wrong with it. Again, it’s not about being controlling or putting her down, it’s just extra compliments when you really like the outfit.
This is how the discussion will be going : compliment her a LOT, tell her exactly what you said in your first paragraph, be sincere, make it even longer and more explicit. Tell her you love her, compliment her body, compliment her, everything. And then tell her about what you don’t really like the no sexy outfits BUT DON’T SAY SOMETHING ON HER APPEARANCE just tell that YOU don’t like it, and then start again with compliments
Or just buy her lingerie, and nuisette yourself
Do you want her to put on tights, Jean shorts, a tshirt and converse when she’s trying to be sexy in the bedroom lol? None of the outfits you mentioned you find sexy are really things she would just put on at home to turn you on. Plus, what about what makes her feel sexy? I don’t see a point in telling her the current choices don’t do it for you. Instead you can mention you like certain things on her if you’re out at a store and see it “You’d look so great in that” type of thing.
Why not take her shopping and pick out lingerie that turns you both on? My SO is really into lingerie and loves to pick out what he wants me to wear, pick my shoes out, and dress me up like I’m his doll! It makes me feel more confident and sexy!
If you notice, all the things you said are sexy have high neck, long sleeves, leggings, etc. that are warm and/or difficult to take off for intimate time. It makes sense to me that the intentionally sexy things she’s choosing for at home are loose and comfortable.
Obviously, you don’t tell her outright. Emphasize the things you like and buy her something you want to see her in.
Maybe go shopping together for sexy clothes, you don’t have to tell her what you don’t like, just show her what you do like.
Buy her some things you find sexy. I buy my wife lingerie often. Ask her sizes, put them in your phone and shoot for the stars.
Warning…different companies means different sizes. Gonna be sending things back and getting better sizes but it’s fun once she catches on and you buy things together
she’s clearly wearing those things because they make _her_ feel sexy. but you could always ask to go lingerie shopping with her and you both pick out something for her to wear. i highly advise to not buy lingerie for her without her knowing lol if you buy the wrong thing or the wrong size, it could go horribly awry. plus, if you go together, you get the benefit of a sexy fashion show!
Try buying her something you find sexy as a gift. 🙂
Don’t tell her. Just buy her new lingerie/outfits 😄
Damn dude, first world problems. Just buy her some lingerie you think is sexy and see if she will wear it for you. But don’t you dare say you don’t like the stuff she picked out.
Thats a tough one. Maybe tell her what you would like
Hey honey, I think you would look so hot in ……. I would get aroused immediately if I saw you wear that.
Keep it positive
This falls under the category of……sweating the small stuff!
Don’t tell her. Buy her new sexy things that you like! Buy her some lingerie or whatever you think is hot and then tell her you think it would be sexy if she wore it for you. Much better to be positive than to rain on her parade, which could do real.damage to her confidence and your sex life.
Just shut up and thank god your wife IS sexy and is good in bed.
Either buy her something new or take them her clothes off asap!
I would definitely not say anything negative or discouraging about the things she picks that you don’t like so much
Maybe focus more on planning a date and then when you tell her about it, ask her to wear something specific that you know she has and has worn before
Don’t actually say anything. Find out her size and buy her some lingerie you think is sexy or take her shopping and give feedback, be romantic about it and make a whole date of it. Tell her you love it SO MUCH when she wears what you got her. Make her feel good and shower her with compliments when she wears it, and make it fun, like playing adult dress up.
But don’t make a big deal when she still wears the stuff she picked that she feels sexy in too. Still make her feel loved and beautiful
How about you not tell her, but just make her a gift of lingerie that you think is sexy, and ask her to wear that for you in bed for a change? Don’t diss her choices and make her feel unattractive, just give her alternatives, and show her that you appreciate if she changes it up for you.
Focus on telling her about the outfits you find sexy, and leave out how you don’t find the other outfits sexy.
There’s not enough info to know if she’s wearing them to feel sexy for herself or for you, and the people assuming either are making leaps that they can’t make with the info provided.
Hell, it’s possible she’s wearing them because her friend told her those drive men wild, and neither of you find them sexy.
It makes her feel sexy. There’s a difference. Her feeling sexy is better than you thinking the outfit is sexy in her. Her confidence helps both of y’all in the long run.
I really wish to have your problems in bed. Sigh…
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, tell her the truth. Lie your fucking face off if you have to. For one, you’re too far in. Two, it’s not about dressing sexy for you, but feeling sexy for her. This is literally Pandora’s box. Don’t open it. It won’t go well for either of you.