For context I (20F) and my ex (21M) had been together for 4 years. This was our first relationship. He was my first everything, and I was his. Of those four years we spent so much time together. We also had a lot of arguments. However, we both would try to work them out even if it was hard. We were both learning how to communicate better.
His childhood didn’t consist of healthy communication or boundaries. He was always controlled by his grandparents and talked down upon. I pushed his grandparents for more time and would stand against them when they would shame him for the way he looked or was. Or for how he was a loner. I loved him for who he was. They loved him a lot. I knew this but they seemed to push things like “suck it up”, “stop crying like a girl”. It sucked to see him treated this way and to know he grew up in this environment, whereas I grew up with a father that was very emotionally connected. My mother provided physical touch and love. They were both fairly supportive.
His grandparents also adopted him when he was five due to his mother being on drugs and his father leaving him and his mom. He hardly remembers his childhood… It’s so sad.
We had a lot of times where he would feel I was overreacting or over explained things even though the reason for it was to create more understanding and empathy on situations. I sometimes failed to have patience for this and I wish I had kept it and reminded myself more often.
Recently we broke up due to me being upset about a bundle of things. For starters, he and I made plans to go to Arkansas to get fireworks. He forgot these plans and scheduled new plans with a friend. When I reminded him of our plans he asked if we could reschedule. I got frustrated because the week before this he did the exact same thing with our plans. I understand it’s human to forget but I felt like he just didn’t prioritize it so it slipped by since his friends were available. Almost like a placeholder until he has other better plans. There’s also a point in our relationship where he told me it was a plan for him to go to the gym everyday with his friend 6 days a week and see me on the weekends, even if it was just for 5 minutes…
My friends and family helped me realize I built resentment. We both did. It sucks to know but I feel like with time if we worked together we could maybe make it work. He was learning how to communicate and I was learning how to trust the process. This was just a mixture of several moments that made me question the relationship. I got upset and asked questions about our relationship. His responses seemed they were lacking interest. For example, a question was “what do you see in our future together”, his answer “2 kids and a house”. I said “anyone could have that imagine with anyone? What about us?” He said “i mean thats all really”. Another question was “what are our similarities” he said “I like to hike, you like to hike, you like to workout, I like to workout, theres more I just cant think of it”. I said “you rarely will go hiking with me and when you do you complain the entire time or leave me alone and recently every time I asked you to workout even if its without me you say its too late or you just don’t want to”. He said “well yeah because sometimes its too hot to hike and sometimes I just don’t feel like it”.
I respect moments but almost every day was just him looking at his phone or wanting to cuddle. I loved cuddling but it was almost daily where that was all he would want to do… Then when it came time to workout he would back out if I brought up something that concerned me. Because he was now too exhausted from the arguing even if that “argument” was just me talking to him about something bothering me.
As for the recent experience. Mind you, we just recently celebrated our four year anniversary. He came to visit me at a cafe while on the job. I was so excited to see him. His work partner was with him. I walked up and said “Hey! I’m ****! I’ve heard about you! It’s good to finally meet you” he automatically said “Haha yeah, thats my boyfriend”. I was shocked since his first response was so out of place. My ex did nothing but chuckle while watching this. I continued with a quick “hahaha, same. Thats my boyfriend too”. His partner said nothing else. I just naturally continued convo after even tho I was still thrown off…
These were again just the few things that built up the argument before our breakup.
He also recently tried to get me to cosign a house but didn’t have any plans to get engaged anytime soon. I knew this wasn’t smart so I said no and he got a bit upset because he wanted that house for us. As much as I wanted too I said I would have to be at least married to him before making such a big commitment.
There’s so much where I felt maybe I didn’t talk to him as I could’ve and maybe he just got tired of it. I want to reach out and check in on him but I don’t know if it’s too soon but I feel like I owe him an apology and I love him so much still and want to check in on him since I know he didn’t have the best support before.
TLDR; I (20F) and ex (21M) had been together for 4 years. We recently broke up after a big fight and it’s been 3 weeks of no contact. I initiated that maybe this wont work 3 times and he finally had it because he was tired of the arguing. He didn’t have many friends and for the ones he did have they would use him for money and flaked on him frequently. I really want to know how he’s doing and where he’s at with everything. Should I reach out to him?
TEXT I WOULD SEND: “**** would you be okay if we talked sometime? I would just like to know how you are doing and where you’re at with everything. If you need more time, space, or even no contact, I promise, I will respect that. Please don’t feel forced to respond if you’re not comfortable or just don’t want to.”
Please let me know what you think:(
3 comments
How would it serve your life in a positive way to invite him back into it?
Don’t send the text. You’re 20. Go have some fun and meet some new people!
Unfortunately, sending the text will only serve to draw out the painful process you’re both going through. Your problems with each other will not collapse under the weight of your mutual longing. He misses you as you miss him.
It is painful for me to read about your ex’s little quirks. We are all a little messed up from how we came up, and we play the hands we are dealt. Hopefully you can forgive him.
Do not listen to people who pretend not to understand what it is to miss someone who is imperfect. They are pretending the decision should be easy when we know it isn’t. But you still have to do it. Sometimes to truly love something is to let it go.
I’m wishing you the best of luck in taking your next steps without each other. You will be ok!