Me and my bf got into a huge argument this morning because I was telling him I felt sad. After he got mad at me for feeling lonely in the relationship instead of hugging me / comforting me, he left our apartment. He then comes back still in a rage and slams the $300 cologne I JUST bought for him a couple weeks ago into my bathroom counter. I spent the very last money I had on that cologne and for him to just slam it while we were in an argument, it breaks my heart. Especially because I was coming from a sad place and was just asking him for a little affection. How do I stop caring about the cologne he dropped? All I keep thinking about is why he’d do that knowing that was the last of the money I had
46 comments
You leave. He’s getting abusive. Men who get violent against random objects will eventually get violent against you. This will escalate.
Better question is why is your boyfriend so full of rage and violence??? Pay close attention to the red flags!! All you wanted was for him to be loving and understanding and instead he turns into angry bully
The cologne is the least of your worries. Someone who goes into a rage when you try to talk about your feelings is abusive. Someone who smashes property during a simple argument is violent. You spent all your money trying to keep him happy, please ask yourself why. He sounds like a huge walking red flag. Has he done things like this before? None of this is close to ok. This is not healthy behavior. And it sounds like you were already unhappy in the relationship, which tells me it’s not all sunshine and roses and today for some crazy reason he snapped and it’s totally out of character.
Please do not accept treatment like this. And please have a safe exit plan if he is regularly violent or might be again.
Instead of thinking of the cologne, think about the fact that you’re dating a guy who mindfully breaks valuable items that are important to you when he’s angry. He LEFT, and instead of coming back when he calmed down, he came back when he thought of the most hateful thing he could do.
He thought it was really important to show you the damage he can do when he’s angry.
So, you need to be wondering why you’re dating a violent guy who doesn’t care about you, and you need to figure out how you’re going to get away from him.
Why are you still with him? Do you actually not know how horrifying what he did is? He could have given you a hug but he broke a $300 gift. And I’m *really* concerned that you spend the last of your money on a gift for him.
Please, *please* hear me when I say this:
It is okay to need affection and comfort.
You should not feel afraid to ask for these things, and they should be given freely (in general) in a loving and safe relationship.
You do not deserve to be treated this way.
It will not improve. If he has not physically abused you yet, it’s coming, and soon, based on his actions.
**There are people who will help you.** I don’t know where you are located, but in the US, there are domestic violence safe haven organizations that can help you get out and on your feet.
Please find a way to leave and understand that, without a doubt, you deserve kindness and respect from your partner. Never forget that.
You need to stop caring about the item he broke and start caring that he gets violent because you are sad. Then leave.
The abuse will increase. Punching holes in wall, breaking things only works for a while. Abusive people often feel like they need to ratchet up the violence to maintain control. You should leave before he starts slamming you into the counter.
>You: I have emotions.
>Him: That makes me angry. I am now going to be violent.
Why do you want his affection? He’s on the fast track to physically abusing you because he has anger issues and doesn’t really see you as a person worthy of love and respect. Every second that you tolerate his behavior is validating his abusive worldview.
Just leave and move on.
This subreddit always has a reputation for “omg everyone says to just break up” but half of the posts here are “My partner, who btw is the nicest guy ever, hits me on a daily basis but then tells me he loves me what do I do?”
He’s abusive and you should leave. Also, don’t spend your last money on a discretionary gift.
> How do I stop caring about the cologne he dropped?
You’re asking the wrong question.
The question should be: how do I raise my self-esteem so I stop putting up with an asshole who doesn’t respect me? This guy doesn’t care about your feelings and destroyed the cologne because he knew it would be the most hurtful thing he could smash. You can’t force yourself to stop being upset because it’s a normal reaction to be upset when someone intentionally does something cruel to you.
There are men out there who wouldn’t dream of treating you this way, who would cherish the gifts you gave them and happily listen to your feelings. You won’t find them while you’re saddled to this guy.
You don’t stop caring about the cologne he intentionally smashed. You recognize it for the red flag it is and realize next time it might be you he slams into the counter. You need to dump him for your own safety.
Breaking stuff out of anger is a huge red flag. This is someone who has the potential to become physically abusive
He’s an abusive manchild, you deserve better
You dump him. Next time he gets in a rage, it could be your face he smashes.
Break up. That is not Normal behavior.
Being by yourself is less lonely than begging for attention from a partner. Neither is easy, but at least you only battle your own feelings when you’re by yourself instead of piling his tantrums on top of them.
Why are you tolerating this treatment?
Leave now unharmed and with your sanity intact. If he doesn’t abuse you physically, he’s going to take you down a dark rabbit hole of other forms of abuse.
This sounds like it’s a lot more than broken cologne. He targeted that because he knew how much of yourself you put into it, and wanted to put you in your place.
His response to you telling him you feel lonely is to leave you alone and once he comes back to break the thing you spent your money – a physical representation of your time? He knew what he was doing, he knew that it would hurt and he did it anyway.
When people show you their true colors, believe them the first time. It’s time to run not walk away from this red flag.
The next thing he smashes will be you. Please get somewhere safe.
Sincerely, someone who’s been there.
This sounds like he has toxic shame. Men with toxic shame don’t hear what you need, they hear what they’re doing wrong. Then go into a rage or anger outburst. It’s not an excuse at all, but can maybe help you at least know why. For you, I highly suggest a book another redditor suggested for me, “Running on Empty”. I listened to the audio book version. Hopefully it’ll help you not feel so lonely. It helped me quite a bit.
You need to think real hard about this relationship. Smashing the cologne wasn’t a thoughtless action of breaking a random object because he was angry and it was the closest thing within reach. He had to think about what would hurt you the most, leave the room, find the cologne, come back and then smash it in front of you. That is insane behaviour.
You mean ex boyfriend? There is no reasoning from him that makes this okay!
First it’s objects being smashed, then it’s your face. He has some shit to figure out.
OP, I know that you are going to blame yourself and think that you shouldn’t leave because this is “a one time thing” and that “reddit doesn’t know him” (I’ve been there), but you have got to trust us when we say leave. It doesn’t mayter how good he was before, this abusive behaviour is a major sign of a breakdown, and it could be your head on the chopping block next. I’m sorry to say that if he wasn’t like this before, he has unfortunately changed and there is probably no coming back from this. The fact he hasn’t apologised or immediately felt horrible says a lot about how this is only going to get worse.
I am sorry OP, it’s probably better to leave and get some support from domestic abuse helplines in your country. ❤
He did that to cause you pain. He deliberately did something to hurt you. He wanted you to feel bad. He wanted to show you how violent he felt towards you.
Why would you want to be with someone who hates you? No one who liked you would ever do that. Is there anyone you hate enough that you would do something so cruel and violent to them?
Breaking things is a big red flag and you need to get out of this relationship before he starts breaking more than objects.
Also, spending the last of your money on a gift for your boyfriend is something a pre-teen would do. It’s time to start adulting. Adulting means that if you only have $300 to your name, you don’t have the money for anything other than bare necessities.
LEAVE. If either me or my husband needed more love, the other would gladly give it.
Dump this loser asap. He’s abusive and a immature pos , just do it. You won’t regret it
This is the second post I’ve read today from a woman fretting over her a-hole boyfriend with anger issues. DTMFA, this is abuse. Take the loss of the cologne and worry more about how his behavior puts your safety at risk.
As someone who has experienced similar shit like this, I can honestly say that it will NOT get better. I wish I would’ve learned my lesson. I want to say I don’t understand why he’d react like that but sadly I kinda do. Let me guess…he made it all about him? He thought you saying you’re lonely meant you’re not happy with him? He didn’t comfort you? Trust me. He NEVER will. I too had/ still have low self-esteem & always wanted comfort & reassurance. Things I’ve never gotten & still haven’t. It will not change or get better. I hope you make wise decisions. Ask yourself, is that what you want? Is that how you want to be treated?
You can’t buy his respect because he has none for you, walk away fast and don’t buy a $300 gift for a man until you’ve been dating a few years that’s too much
He didn’t drop the cologne he slammed it. That was intentional to hurt you. And he argues with you because you’re sad? Can’t talk about it with you? No empathy here. He has anger management issues and doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s selfish and self-consumed. I agree with other posts here, get out now. This will not get better and he will not show any emotional support for you. Think about it, what if you have kids with this jerk? He’ll be a lousy father figure who can’t control his anger and could take it out on the kids.
Men break items and hit things around their partners (walls, doors, etc) as an intimidation tactic used to control and manipulate their partners. This violence is already directed at you and meant to scare you into submission. If this relationship continues he WILL begin physically abusing you. These are tell-tale, textbook signs
Your bf’s behaviour is really concerning. I expect this isn’t the first time he’s acted with anger towards you expressing yourself. Take a break from this relationship, take your most important and precious things and go. In a month you’ll realise that you are better off without him.
The correct response here isn’t to work on not caring about the cologne. It’s to recognize that this is a sign of poor self control and that it could escalate to other intimidation tactics and violence against you.
Destroying items is already an indicator of physical abuse in a relationship. It’s a threat, it’s meant to tell you “I can hurt you, look how violent I am”. He’s already emotionally abusive by getting angry because you have emotional needs.
Please read this free book https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Girl, the gift was for you. Your freedom. It costed $300, not your life. Run.
What’s going on that you’re spending the last of your money on a man who apparently doesn’t give you attention or affection, and you feel sad in the relationship? Are you pretending not to notice things…are you always complaining about what he’s not doing? You’re asking the wrong question and focusing on the cologne when instead you should be asking is this the person you want to be in a relationship with?
Breaking things that are important to you is a form of domestic abuse.
Please get out before it escalates to him trying to hurt you physically.
So he accomplished his mission sucessfully. Hurting you by smashing your gift and showing you what happens when you ask anything of him, like comfort and understanding. This will make you think twice before speaking about your needs again in the future.
You get over the broken bottle by dumping the man.
Please don’t let anyone who treats you that way get away with it. If you forgive him then you will greenlight this type of behaviour.
Please be safe.
Forget that he didn’t appreciate the gift. He doesn’t appreciate you!
He lost his temper with you for having human emotions. He’s proven he’s not someone you can rely on.
Get out while you can.
You’re both not good for each other. Why would you spend that last bit of ur money on something like that? And if you both can’t communicate why are you together? What advice do you want? He’s gonna apologize and you’ll stay with him in this abusive relationship.
My ex bought me a $375 switch for my birthday and I used it all of the time. He ended up cheating on me a lot but we stayed in touch. He saw I was on bumble and got so mad he entered my house demanding he have the switch back and I willingly gave it to him. He smashed it against the ground. Amongst other things. Anyways, he’s facing domestic violence charges.
Please protect yourself. This is violent behavior. He cannot control his emotions. Be careful.
By the way I’m 23f. If that matters
>cologne he dropped
He didn’t drop it. He slammed it. Don’t downplay what he did
I have news. It isn’t the cologne you need to stop caring about.