Hey there! I came here because I’m feeling a bit lost and don’t know where else to turn. I’m a 27-year-old guy and I’ve been in a relationship with the same girl for over 6 years now. The thing is, she’s been pressuring me to get married, and it’s been causing some issues between us.
Initially, the plan was to take things slowly. We talked about moving in together, saving money to buy an apartment, and then eventually getting married. But somehow, things took a turn. She suddenly started bringing up marriage, and I wasn’t quite ready for it yet. I explained that I wanted to focus on other things before tying the knot, especially since I’m finally making good money for the first time in my life. I didn’t want to spend it all on a wedding right now.
We had a big fight about it, which escalated when she told her whole family that we’d be getting married soon. Granted, she mentioned it would be in a couple of years, but that’s when things started going downhill. She began looking at places and asking for prices, and we even went to see one this weekend. I thought we were just browsing, but the next day she bombarded me with PDFs of 12 different places in the city, complete with prices and details for 2024.
I’m feeling pretty confused and overwhelmed right now. Today, we had another fight because she wanted us to attend an open house event for a place and see everything it had to offer. That’s when I reached my breaking point and told her we’re not going to get married anytime soon. Needless to say, she’s really mad at me and isn’t speaking to me.
So, here I am, not sure what to do next. Any suggestions?
22 comments
My guy it’s been 6 years. How slow do you want to go?? Either man up and propose or let her go. If you’re not the type that believes in marriage or monogamy that’s totally fine, but you need to be open and transparent.
From her perspective, 6 years is a lifetime. Each day that goes by without a proposal is a dagger into the trust and comfort she feels witu you.
6 years?
Shit or get off the pot. It’s time.
Look man 6 years is A LONG TIME. Granted you were a lot younger. If not now, when? Stop making excuses dude. There most likely won’t be a ‘perfect’ time. You can always have more money, always get a better job, always get a bigger home/house/pets.
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I promise you brother, if she posted “my boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after SIX YEARS” she would be flooded by people telling her to drop your ass.
Harsh truth.
Seems to me like your issue is more about the money and enjoying life a bit more while you have this new income.
You could give her options – Get married soon but do it cheaply in a courthouse, or wait a few years while you enjoy your new income while saving for a nicer ceremony.
That way, you’re not saying no. You’re telling her yes but with options that you are comfortable with.
Six years is enough time to decide. And who cares that she’s sending you PDFs of apartments? At least she isn’t make you find the place.
Ask yourself how people with far less money than you manage to make these big life decisions. They can managed it, so why not you?
If you really do want to marry her but just can’t stomach the cost of a wedding, why not get married on the cheap, elope, or do a long engagement? Or are you just having a gut reaction of “no” when the topic of getting engaged/married comes up? If you don’t want to marry her, you have to own that. Especially if she wants kids – I’ve seen too many women strung along with promises only to be dropped in their mid- to late-30s with nothing to show for it.
Is the issue with marriage a big expensive wedding? I totally agree with NOT doing that and think they are rather stupid. But you could do something small, immediate family and a few friends, courthouse wedding, backyard reception. I have known people who have done that and its fine.
I told my gf I’d definitely sign the papers at the court house but don’t have 30k for a huge wedding. She’s thinking about the court house 🤷🏻♂️
If she wants to be married it’s a real solution, if she wants to be married she shouldn’t be horribly opposed. If she just wants a wedding she can wait. It also gives you half a leg to stand on.
You are making excuses – either get married or let her go, you can buy a house etc after.
If you don’t don’t want to lose her then only propose if you want to get married.
Doesn’t sound like you’re that into her. Let her go and find someone who is willing to marry her as that seems to be what she wants
If your not going to marry her now…what is going to change in 1, 2, 3 or 5 years from now??
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Be honest with yourself. After 6 years you should already know if you want to spend the rest of your life with her.
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You should not be pressured into doing it as well.
Here’s the thing: unless you’re a millionaire, “financial viability” is always going to be an issue when it comes to big decisions, especially marriage. She’s clearly ready for a bigger commitment from you: what you need to decide is if you’re using these issues as excuses or if they are truly dealbreakers for you. Good luck, man.
6 years is quite a long time to not have a definitive answer on marriage. What do you do in your relationship to show you are definitely committed? Do you live together? Do you share expenses? She is bringing up marriage because she wants a clear sign that you are as committed to the relationship as she is.
It’s not nice to waste womens time… what are you waiting for? That freedom you think you want may end up becoming poison. Freedom is overrated
In this day and age if you find a woman truly wanting to commit, hold her tight because the dating market is full of poorly trained children you may not like lol
Half the people in the thread are only seeing a small part of your life. 6 years is a good amount of time to know but it seems you only started your relationship at 21. Relationships during/after college and relationships in your adult career are two pretty different things, especially when you’re just finding your place in your industry and establishing a good sense of life security. This also deserves another question – are you happy with her to get married after this time? or are you still unsure?
She’s definitely feeling pressured from herself, friends, family, the general time, etc. Try to see things from her perspective. Don’t get married if you don’t want to but try to avoid stringing her along without some kind of realistic timeline, otherwise it’s best to break up and find yourself again.
Interest rates have risen tremendously and it’s much harder now to buy a home. If you both have a solid financial plan for the years to come, then it’s not so bad to secure a venue and propose. If you’re both in debt and also will go into debt for the wedding, that’s just not a great way to start a marriage and the timing isn’t quite right. When I was 27 I only had 10k to my name and job security was non-existent. Now i’m close to my mid 30s and I have saved almost 70k in one year of work. Timing is a valid factor if she wants a dream wedding – you can also be engaged for a few years instead of rushing for 2024.
Other alternatives include a courthouse wedding, hiring an event space, hosting a big dinner party for family/friends. Look into moissanite rings or lab grown diamonds. Theyre 2-3k vs 15-20k.
I work in the wedding industry and I see most weddings cost between 20-70k. Even small weddings can be an entire down-payment to a property. Have you both discussed who will finance the wedding? If your families can help? People on this thread saying money shouldn’t matter should really look into the costs these days. Some people are firmly against a cheap wedding and you can get into serious debt, very fast.
I usually work with couples getting married in their early 30s. It’s the right time now as they’ve all recently bought a home to start a family and have gotten rid of a lot of other debts.
Dont marry if you feel pressured. It must be mutual from both sides. She can feel resentful after few years in mariage and tell you that you didn’t even wanted to merry her in first place and another bullcrap. And lay ground for divorce and take half of your shit.
6 years? My man. You don’t want to marry this girl. ~~Man~~ Step up and tell her: you’re not the one.
Congrats on sticking to your guns. You are doing everything correctly. She is the one trying to manipulate you. If you give in, you will face more and more of this in the future. Every time you give in, she will lose more and more respect for you until one day, inevitably, she will cheat on you. She will have lost all fear that you might leave her.
You mention that you haven’t even moved in together yet. If, and only if, you wish to continue with her, then move in together for at least 3 years before considering becoming engaged. You must find out what it is like to live her. How she deals with the pressures of life. Living in that close of a proximity to another will reveal much more about them than you might realize. Make sure that you both agree to have an open device policy from this point forward. Only one person on the lease; that way it is clear who stays and who will leave if the relationship fails. Keep your finances separate except for one joint account for rent, utilities, groceries, and any other joint expenses.
If, at the end of the 3 years, you decide to propose then the wedding should be scheduled no less than 1 year out. 2 years is better. Prior to wedding, you both need to sign pre-nups. The pre-nup should contain an infidelity clause that greatly punishes the cheater. Nothing changes with the open device policy or finances. Only after the wedding can you consider joint property (the disposition of which is covered in the pre-nup). IMO, the pre-nup should also have an open relationship clause, which invokes the infidelity clause against whichever party requests the open relationship. This is because when an open relationship is requested, the requestor has either already cheated and is looking for a way to justify it or already has a person in mind.
Let’s now consider why she hit you out of the blue with this demand. You mentioned that you are 27, I think it fair to assume that she is of a similar, maybe even slightly older, age. Women feel a lot of pressure to be married by 30. Especially if her friends are married and/or getting married. I’d wager that one or the other, possibly even both, is true.
Stick to your guns. Never put her on a pedestal. Always be willing to walk away. You are just coming into your prime, while she is exiting hers. You can father children well into your 70s, while she has limited time to bear children. Any pregnancy over the age of 35 is medically considered a geriatric pregnancy. On the other hand, you can always start over with a younger, prettier woman. Also, remember that you need not be married to have children together, but children will inextricably intertwine you for at least 18 years. Always get a paternity test.
How much is she willing to thrown down on this since she is already looking at venues
The hidden root of all this hesitation sounds financial.. are you expected to cover the whole thing?
Finances are the one thing everyone pretends is not a problem but yet is always the biggest problem
Dude, you are probably at a crossroads, but it now seems that she is at one as well.
Six years is a long time and people can change. Your partner might have agreed to take things slow, but in her head, six years might already been slow enough. She seems ready to tie the knot now. If you’re not, that’s fine. But it could also mean this relationship may be done for now.
Whatever you decide, discuss it with her and don’t think you know immediately how she thinks.
dont. do. it.
You make good money. Ask her to start the process of a prenup. I am curieus how she would react.