This is a throwaway because I’m afraid people will get mad at me for asking, but I am genuinely asking for advice on how to handle this conversation because it’s come up SO many times. Why do so many men on dating apps react negatively (or at least oddly) when I tell them I’m a PhD student?
I’m 24 (25 soon) and I’m coming up on my fourth year in a PhD program. The timing looks off because my birthday’s in the fall, but I went from undergrad to this doctoral program. I work a research assistantship that pays my tuition and (measly) stipend.
I really don’t care if my partner went to college. I know plenty of brilliant people that just struggled with “doing school.” However, when getting to know someone on the apps, “what do you do?” is always one of the first questions, and I find that a lot of the time the conversation goes one of two ways:
1. They get insecure and say things like “Wtf why are you talking to me” or “Damn I’m a bum in comparison.”I self-deprecate and try to make them feel better and/or they just stop replying. I went out with one guy and when I got home I told him I didn’t think we clicked. He made it about “needing to step my shit up” and literally said “the stuff I do isn’t anything compared to what you do” even though I told him it was about how he acted, not what he does for work. (Can elaborate but I’m including too many anecdotes already)
2. They feel the need to assert how much harder they work than me. To be clear, I am never the one making a comparison, they’ll say this in response to me saying I’m super busy or that I work a lot. This is usually guys that do manual labor, but a guy who worked at a shoe store pulled this on me. It’s not just “so do I” it’s “you think you work a lot? I do 12 hour shifts in the sun”So, how do men with a bachelors or less feel about dating a woman with a PhD/in a PhD program? How do I answer the “what do you do” question without it becoming a thing?I can provide screenshots of examples if that helps. Also, my age range is 23-32 so not sure if it’s just a younger guy thing
37 comments
my first question is why do you find men without a bachelors viable partners?
That sounds pretty cool, I can be a housespouce and make pottery on the side to help with bills and take care of housework and a garden
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It really doesn’t matter to me. So no clue.
I’d love me a sugar mama who I can nerd out with.
Then again, the only reason Im not going for a masters+ is it’s utterly useless in my field except for very niche situations
I don’t mind. Hell, I can joke about how I’m dating doctor.
It a mental issue. Guys are taught that they need to be the bread winners in a relationship and women just be women. If something “clicks” with a guy that really likes you and you him, it won’t be an issue. It boils down to how you two get along.
On the “what do I say about work?” Just say you’re in the (what ever) field. If they push the subject, go in to a little more, make it sound boring and then avoid it. I have the same problem as soon as I tell a girl I’m a garbage man, they run the other way. If they knew how much I make a year, I would never get rid of them.
They can probably already sense that the relationship will inevitably crumble as women are typically unsatisfied with partners of a lower social/educational background than them. Many women enjoy having a “bit of rough” to fool around with, but rarely establish long-term monogamous relationships with them.
A woman with a PhD who is dating a delivery driver or warehouse worker is usually either mocked by her peer group, or encouraged to date someone of an equal or higher social standing.
as someone whose young and in ur shoes, usually they just think we’ll have no time for them bc of our work
I don’t care, my wife is a doctor and all I ever obtained was an associate’s degree. It’s never been a problem.
Zero bearing on attraction.
You must be an outlier because statistically, women don’t date/marry down in terms of education and earnings. I think they’re worried you’re going to find someone later down the road higher up on the socioeconomic ladder.
I really don’t mind a woman with much more education than me. It’s just like having a higher salary, don’t lord it over me or put me down for being lesser and everything is good
PhD in what? Dad was a professor, friends were kids of professors, grew up in an academic environment. Those who know, know. Some PhDs my cat could get. Others are just awarded to get the person away from the program.
Depending on the program, specializing in some subjects would make me run from them.
Character, not credentials.
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I don’t think the jump from BS to PhD is big enough that you can just lump a BS with high school level education. That’s insulting. PhD is mostly just super focused. I have a BS in computer engineering, my younger brother has a PhD in chemical engineering. I don’t think he’s way smarter than me, him or any woman like you.
In my experience now that i’m older, a PhD doesn’t make you overall smart, just in your field. Lots of PhDs are embarrassingly bad at unrelated fields.
1&2) Those guy’s are insecure and have low self-esteem. There’s a good reason for that, because the large majority of women don’t want to provide for a man. If given the choice they’d prefer a man who makes more, or at the least the same. Bottom line is those guys are insecure, but you’re the one picking these guy’s. If you’re constantly running into guy’s like this………you’re the most common denominator.
So I have a bs in microbiology and I’ll be on the path to a post graduate degree soon. With that being said, I couldn’t care less how much money a woman makes or her education level(high school grad is fine). When I’m looking to date a woman, I’m not factoring in if she has a PhD or not. I’m focused on her beauty and personality. Like having a masters/PhD is cool, but I’m still expecting high quality home cooked meals. Would I date a woman with a PhD sure, but she’ll still have to follow my program if she wants to join my team.
*”How do men with a bachelors degree or less feel about dating a woman with a PhD/in a PhD program?”*
Fine.
The real question is how does a woman feel about dating a man with less education/lower degree?
Men generally won’t care about degrees from a woman because:
1. It’s not something that we find attractive (or unattractive).
2. It doesn’t benefit us in anyway.
The problem usually is that women with these degrees tend to want a man on the same level (education/degrees and financially) or greater. If he isn’t or won’t be (for awhile or ever) they consider it *”dating down”*.
The only problem with dating a woman with degrees or more higher degrees is if her attitude. She may not have respect for you because of that.
Don’t care going back to school for an advanced degree would cost me more money and time than it’s worth.
I find people smarter and more intelligent than me kinda hot, because I have an insatiable curiosity and endless unanswered questions that I would like to know before I die. I would really love to be with someone that made me grow as a person.
I dated a woman with a PhD before I started grad school. It wasn’t a big deal. We didn’t work out, but it had nothing to do with her education level. It was pretty cool talking to her about her work as she was in the process of creating medical textbooks. My background up to that point was on the rougher side having grown up on a farm and served in the Army for 6 years before getting a BA in history. However, I’ll concede that I was always on the geeky/nerdy side and read encyclopedias for fun as a kid so I may not be the most representative of the type you’re referring to.
I don’t believe all of the comments you reference in 1 are necessarily made out of insecurity. You can be quite secure in who you are and take a dig at yourself because you find it funny or understand the reality of the situation. I fully accept your assessment that it was due to insecurity in these specific instances. It’s just my position that someone secure in themselves can make very similar statements.
I would have neither of those reactions, but if you’re interested in going into academia I could see that being a problem. Depending on your field and goals it seems like PhDs are moving constantly and working long hours from what I know. Not sure if that’s what other guys are thinking but I’m aware that things are generally far from stable for a while if your goal is to become a professor.
Coming from someone with an Associates Degree who is married to a Doctorate Degree person…
A lot of that, at least from my perspective is basically like….
“You do realize that you’re dating someone that’s got way less education and income potential, right?”
Like it’s hard to believe that someone in your spot would want you in the first place, so you try whatever to make damn sure that they do
Maybe instead of starting out by saying something fancy like “I’m in a PHD program” start out by saying something more basic like “I’m studying to work in the medical field”. Try not to get too specific with it for the first couple of dates unless they are asking questions and really trying to dig deep.
Personally I wouldn’t care if the person I’m dating makes more money than me or had a higher level degree than me as long as they don’t continually rub it in my face and make me feel inferior or something like that.
The person you’re with is on the same “team” as you so one person making more money should benefit both people. People that have a problem with it just have insecurity issues
Those guys you talked to are insecure as fuck.
Ok, my little tiny suggestions for you.
When people ask, start by saying you work in a research lab. They will then ask more. Give a little more, like, it’s a nuclear fusion research lab, and I use a pipette to move this liquid from one beaker to another to start the reaction…and I have to be careful because if I screw up even a little, we will melt down, and then destroy the entire planet. They will ask more… then give and play more. Don’t make it about your PhD, make it about what you actually do on an hourly basis, which is probably pretty frik’n boring.
Second, your biggest problem is your arguing with them. Stop self depreciating and arguing with guys. It’s not attractive. Instead, practice “yes and” conversations with probing questions and interest in what they do for a living. Show interest in their work, build them up, and show them that they are big enough to handle you. Did I mention stop arguing with them? Go something like this… what do you do? I’m a Harley mechanic, pretty lame compared to nuclear fusion. (Hint, ignore his self criticism, do not argue this point, as most academics will. It’s the wrong approach.) No kidding! I love Harley’s! Tell me, how do you diagnose a misfiring carb? Him…well, you have to develop an instinct for the sound the engine makes, after a while you can tell if it’s running rich or lean, sometimes i can just tell by smell. You, really? You can just hear or feel it? What do you mean by rich or lean? I wish I could do that, can you show me sometime?
Do you see what’s going on here?
I dont care about those things.cos some people seem to think they are superhiman when they have a qualification behind their name.
As long as she doesn’t want me to share her debt, it’s a non-issue. I like intelligent, educated women.
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This question is not targeted at me since I’ve earned more than a Bachelor’s degree. But I often find that some women in higher academia (not all of course) act like they are the most enlightened people on the face of the earth. And they often become angry and resentful when they find out that I have earned multiple degrees and have won multiple awards and scholarships. I also have publications that are fairly acclaimed. That type of behaviour is likely a turn-off for a lot of men whether they are also highly educated or not.
I couldn’t care less about level of education. You can have PhD and masters in what not or you can be high school dropout. If you are good person and we like and respect eachother that is all that matters to me at the end of the day.
I just have a high school diploma and I’ve dated girls with master’s and one with a PhD. Never affected the relationship in anyway for me or them.
Indifferent; a PhD means nothing. You can work certain jobs now
I wouldn’t mention the PhD, but just say what you do if/when asked. If you’re still in the program, just say youre still in school and bring up PhD if pressed further
Look, I’m in my 40s, never finished college for reasons though I’m highly intelligent and well read. If I dated or married someone that had a PhD, that would be just fine! I’d be happy to lock her brain daily! I find intelligence super sexy, I’m a sapiosexual, so I might be biased. 🤷
As for how do you approach the question? With honesty. If guys are intimidated by your intelligence and hard work, then they aren’t for you! Move on and look for better men. I don’t think it’s your age range that’s the problem, it might be, you might get better results with the older men than the 20 year olds as they lack more maturity, but that’s just normal, but I was 18 and checking out the 30+ year old single moms when I was in college! Not because I was into milfs, but because I was always more mature for my age, never went out drinking or partying. That wasn’t my thing. So keep on keeping on, it may take you months if not longer to find a decent match. Just be patient. ❤️
I have a BS. My GF has a PhD. I love hearing her talk shop even if I don’t understand what she is talking about.
Not a man but I’m a woman with a masters married to a man with a HS diploma. The right man won’t care. He is extremely smart and works in IT. You gotta be true to you.
Doesn’t make a difference to me. I never finished high school. I eventually got a GED. My girlfriend has a masters degree in a STEM field. Not only is it something that I really admire about her, but it doesn’t bother her that I’m a high school dropout. It works fine.