Hi Reddit,
I am hoping to gather some insights on a recurring issue that has reared its ugly head in just about every relationship I’ve been in: whenever I start dating someone, I convince myself that their ex(es) were better than me and I’m not worthy of having a relationship with them. I’m incredibly sick of it.
It starts out typically — I meet someone and they are interested in me and I feel us on the relationship track. Then, when the slightest sign of insecurity creeps in (they take longer than normal to text back, they ask to reschedule a date), I immediately carry out the same pattern — stalk their most recent ex, convince myself she has a better family, friend group, career, and life than me, then spiral to the point where I don’t even feel worthy of seeing my SO ever again.
For context, I’m above-average attractiveness and relatively successful. Unfortunately, I live in a major city that’s disproportionately populated by people who come from rich, successful families. Every man I’ve dated has come from a big, old-money family with vacation homes and multiple country club memberships. While my parents always moved within those crowds, they had serious financial issues that wreaked havoc on their marraige — my childhood was stable, but it was also deeply unhappy and tense (I am an only child.)
My previous and current boyfriends’ exes come from similar backgrounds to them. Even when they come from more normal backgrounds, I will still fixate on the ways their family, upbringing, and life is more happy, functional, and established than mine. Even if the exes are not as pretty as me, I will determine that they are ‘better’ because of where they came from. I stalk and stalk and stalk until I’ve spent hours dwelling in all the ways I’m not worthy of the man I am currently seeing — why would he want to be with a girl who has two sad, aging parents when he could marry into a ‘fun’ family with a big house and lots of love?
I had a few relationships early on in my past with men who weren’t over their exes. This, combined with growing up with friends and family who had far more than we did, likely explains why I hop on this concept specifically, and time after time.
So, reddit, how do I stop? I’m in tears writing this because I just want to feel good in the relationship I’m in. I want to bring that confident, ‘I got this’ attitude to my love life instead of secretly ruminating on all the things that make me less-than. It’s so bad that once I start stalking and overthinking about my S.O.’s ex I want to end things then and there because I know this will become a recurring, obsessive thought. Is this a me thing, or indicative of a larger issue with the men that I am picking? Has anyone ever experienced anything similar?
TLDR: I convince myself that my ex was more satisfied and better off with their most recent girlfriends as opposed to me.
2 comments
I think this is beyond reddit and it is time to talk to a professional
Honey, I’ve been you.
The only thing you can do is focus your attention on what you can control.
Firstly, you are not your thoughts. While our thoughts influence us, they aren’t us. To begin with when you find yourself thinking these things, ask the thought what it’s trying to protect you from. Journal it out.
Secondly, if someone is going to leave you they will and nothing you can do will stop them. At the same time, sometimes our issues get too much and the other person gets pushed away because of this.
A remedy I’ve found is focusing that nervous energy into making myself into someone I can love and pour what I can (depends on the day. Sometimes it’s a face mask. Sometimes islts a 4 hour pamper session) into myself.
Relationships bring our ugliest wounds to the surface. We shouldn’t avoid them but we should be kind to ourselves during the process.
Expect to swing back and forth between self loathing and confidence until your internal image solidifies. Whatever is supposed to be in your life will stay. Whatever is meant to leave will leave.