Tldr: single mom wants us to live for her as she lived for us growing us up and I’m looking for arguments against that.
So, for a bit of context: single mom, she grew me and my brother alone with a little financial help from her parents. We went through a lot together, but never gave up on us. Now that I’m old enough to live by myself, I want to have a life of my own, that doesn’t have to be “the family” but just me, but she doesn’t want me to. Every time I bring this up she keeps on saying “I brought you guys up alone, all the money I spent on you I could have spent in a different way, all the sacrifices I made for you, birthday parties, gifts, friends, trips and vacations etc etc etc”. She had a dream that we would travel together once we managed to have our passports (long bureaucratic story), and now we’re doing that (been traveling together since 18 months almost straight).
Now a bit of context on my side: I started working at 15 yo whenever I could to help the family, dropped out of school altogether (I know that happened to many people, still sucks lol). Every cent I made working went to the family (except for allowing myself a couple of new things over the years, for which I’ve been reprimanded every time). I did that with pleasure, but now it feels forced. I became the main earner of the family, but all I make goes to finance the travel and her dreams, which I don’t share anymore. Since the day I started to look for some independence I kinda became the reject. Everything becomes a chance to insult me or whatever, and we’re at each other’s throats most of the time, but I do love her and want to help her (and my brother, who until gets 18 cannot live on his own, and that’s still two years away). She might be weird and difficult to understand (and very mean), but she’s my mother anyway, loved me and still cares about me.
Do you guys have any advice? I feel like while writing the post the words changed while I wrote them down, and I might need a therapist irl to sort it out but still, any words would really be appreciated. Am I really a selfish son for not wanting to live for her now that I can decide not to?
Edit: moved tldr from bottom to top of the post
4 comments
No, you’re not selfish for wanting your own life. It does sound like you have some feelings to sort through about your mom. Parents do sacrifice for their children, but they should also want their kids to be happy. And parents definitely should not be mean and insulting to their kids, regardless of the situation.
Is there a reason your mom can’t financially support your brother, and you find somewhere else to live?
I’m a mom and I would never want my son to live for me. He didn’t ask to be born. I chose to bring him into this world, and now it’s my job to care for him and raise him to be the best adult possible. He will never be obligated to take care of me. Because my child was my choice.
Now apply that to yourself. If your mom didn’t want to spend her money on her kids, she shouldn’t have had you. I know it’s hard to conceptualize, but you wouldn’t mind if she did that because you wouldn’t exist.
So no, of course you aren’t selfish. You are perfectly normal and your mom is very selfish. She doesn’t have a life outside her children, but that’s not your fault or your problem.
You aren’t selfish, she is.
She chose to have kids, they were hers to pay for.
Move out, refuse to give her a cent for your childhood.
Whenever my parents use the things they did for me growing up to argue that I now owe them xyz, I remind them that I didn’t ever ask them to be born. I literally never asked. They made a decision to have two children, so it was expected that they care for those children and give them a good life. I’ll help them when they’re too old to help themselves, but the fact that they parented me doesn’t entitle them to lots of free dinners (my parents make very good money, so they don’t need free dinners, they just want them because they feel “owed” it) and using me as a chauffeur service, etc.
I’m a mom now and I just don’t understand the mindset. My kids didn’t ask for me to have them, I chose to have them and bring them into this world. The least I can do is make their lives enjoyable and set them up for success.