I always try to do my best for other people and to make them feel comfortable and happy. Not because I’m desperate to be liked but because it’s important to me to spent my life doing good for others and to be kind. I always make time for everyone when they need me, I try to make thoughtful gifts, I listen to people and I care for what they do. I always check in how people are doing. I would 1000% be the friend you could call at 3am. But nobody ever does anything back for me.
I did all the things you are supposed to do – I joined clubs, I volunteer, I try to be social and talk to people. But even when there is a person who seems to be nice with me, I end up being the only one who texts or asks to do something.
I actually talked to a therapist about this to find out if I was doing something wrong. She literally teared up and said she doesn’t think so and that I am just around the wrong people.
So everywhere I went in my life just had the wrong people? I always think of that saying that when you think everyone else is an asshole you are probably the asshole. I just don’t know what I am doing wrong.
38 comments
Like your therapist said, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. I wish you the best of luck in finding friends who reciprocate your effort
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, and I can relate to some extent to your situation. Based on what I’ve read, you come across as a very sociable person, but more importantly, as someone who takes initiative. One thing I’ve noticed is that, on average, people tend to be less social and take less initiative compared to you, by a significant margin.
What has helped me is changing my mindset from solely focusing on making others happy to prioritizing my own happiness. I, too, am inclined to please people, so I often check in with them, invite them to do things, and so on. However, I’ve realized that reciprocation is rare. Despite this, being around people, helping them, and organizing get-togethers brings me joy. Now, I assume that people genuinely like me and appreciate everything I do for them. If, by any chance, they don’t actually like me but still show up and respond to my texts, I simply remind myself that it’s more their issue than mine. They’re the ones that are losing time on someone they don’t like, not you.
Hope this helps, and I wish you all the best OP
I can relate to most of this, my friends are okay but do wish they can also go the extra mile
So u ain’t alone, you’ve done nothing
Doing good without expecting anything in return is truly being a good person
Sounds like you desire friends who take as much initiative as you do? But it also sounds like you are way above average when it comes to reaching out and being there for friends. Sounds like you’re doing great, and if you are going to adjust anything, just try to adjust your expectations of others.
Side advice, if you’re not in a relationship you may find entering one fulfilling and helpful in adjusting your expectations regarding what friends vs significant others will do for you.
Yeah, wrong people 100%. Unfortunately most people will be the wrong people. That’s life.
Try to match the energy of whoever you’re hanging out with; if you tend to form friendships with lower energy people, they are going to tire quickly from stimulation (ex. Conversations, activities, etc), and they are going to sit back and let the one with higher energy call the shots, leaving you with the burden of planning activities and rounding everyone up.
Your situation is relatable and I’m sorry you feel like you’re the problem because I’d agree with the therapist that you’re around the wrong people
Question, do you offer gifts and kind gestures a lot and early on? Because a lot of people become energy vampires because they start to expect this behavior all the time while they’re not willing to or able to reciprocate, and in my experience I’ve had to pull back and maybe do a kind gesture or gift once I’ve gotten to know the other person but allow the other person to reciprocate before I do anything else
It’s hard though because I really love doing things for my friends but I have to have that boundary cause I’ve been on the receiving end of that and it would make me uncomfortable because quite often it would be more than I was able to reciprocate at the time
“I did all the things you are supposed to do”
I used to struggle with being a lonely “people pleaser” and saying things like this. I found that it was because I didn’t do enough work to clarify my own values and set boundaries. I would now say “I try to do all the things that are consistent with the values I have grown to believe in”, but sometimes I fail and the truth is I’m not as nice a person as I thought I was.
If kindness is truly a value of yours, then you would do kind acts, volunteer, join the types of groups that try to make the world a better place — but what does that have to do with making friends? It sounds to me, putting it harshly, like you’re trying to use all your good deeds as leverage to make people like you; if so, that is being fake, and no one likes fake people. No one can be “1000%” to anyone, it’s an exaggeration and it’s just an act, a persona you have adopted because you think it’s what should make people like you.
Okay, THIS is the post that makes me think I’m “smarter than a therapist.” And hey, not just me. Because aren’t you all sitting here thinking that therapist is WRONG? There’s something in OP’s self-presentation that is a little off, and not getting them the results they want? And that’s actually GOOD NEWS, because that means instead of scouring the earth trying to find ‘the right people,’ instead OP can figure out what they need to adjust about their approach to socializing, fix that, and then start having a MUCH BETTER SOCIAL LIFE!
Seriously. That therapist doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
Anyway, yes, OP, you can FIX this! First thing I’d say is that you are ‘giving too much’ and you’re relying on your quality of ‘being nice’ in order to attract people who will treat you as nicely as you treat them. Obviously this isn’t working well! (And I’m not saying that you need to extinguish your ‘niceness,’ just that you need to put it on the back burner for a while, and focus on some other important concepts.)
What do people REALLY want in a friend? They want someone who is their EQUAL in terms of self-esteem, self-confidence, the sense that you’re bringing something positive to the relationship. On the negative side, they tend to avoid people who give off a whiff of desperation, of neediness, of ‘wanting to be liked.’ (Let me pause for a moment and acknowledge we ALL want to be liked! No question. But if that smell of neediness emanates from you like day-old food left out in the sun…you have to avoid that!)
I’ve written an article on traits that are almost universally appreciated by people. See how many of them you have. Actually I have several articles that can apply to your situation, I’ll link to three of them:
###[Do You Have Good Friendship Traits?](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/comments/13jp5gv/pick_me_do_you_have_good_friendship_traits/)
###[What To Do If You’re Socially Invisible](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/comments/10tggoo/what_to_do_if_youre_socially_invisible/)
###[Confidence: How To Get It If You Don’t Have It](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/comments/10x82xu/confidence_how_to_get_it_if_you_dont_have_it/)
Someone here on the social skills sub also gave me an idea for another great article (haven’t written it yet but I’m planning on it soon). The idea is “how to be more fun” or “how to become fun,” something like that. I think that would make an AWESOME article and I can’t wait to write it! Maybe in the next week or so.
Bottom line is this: we DO have control over how people react to us but we often have no idea how to develop and access that skill. Instead of ‘finding different people’ we need to level up our social persona.
(note: if you literally hang out with toxic people then of course you should get out of that situation. But generally we have much more potential to control our own social persona than we believe we do. It’s just that we’ve been practicing the wrong things!)
you are an amazing person around the wrong people.. I wish you the best.
Same here, I feel tried
I can relate. You’ll think talking to them everyday, listening and being curious about them would be enough and thinking they’re also enjoying your presence would make you friends.
Sigh. My first semester of university was the same but I’m still hopeful for the next one, so keep pushing and maybe join a different crowd
“unlikable” is way too hard on yourself.
If people aren’t reciprocating your efforts, it’s more likely out of complacency or comfort and habit. Indifference at most but not on the “hate” scale.
As @mrdummeke mentioned, you aren’t doing anything wrong. The only thing I can point out is you are extremely hard on yourself. If you know you are this loving inside and out, then why would you need clarification? You know who you are, and pardon my French, but F*** what other people think of you. The only person you should EVER compare or get clarity from is the person you were the day before, and what you are doing better in the present, that is it. If people do not like you for the wonderful loving human you sound to be than they do not deserve you and you should find real friends that will treat you how you should be deserved. Is there a reason you seek these peers’ approval?
Just be yourself, you don’t need ppl if they aren’t gonna be true friends. True friendship is the only thing that’s worth your time. Who are you rly? I wanna get 2 know you better and you can have a better friendship from there instead of them mfs that don’t deserve you. You give it bout a year or so and that’s when you can tell what friendship is.
Most people are just…meh. They are thinking of themselves, they are lost in their troubles, they are socially awkward, they can be suspicious of people who are nice to them. Or they have walls around them because they’ve been burned by others. Etc.
One mistake I see a lot is that people will take responsibility for other people’s actions. All you can control is you. If you make a thoughtful gift for someone and they don’t appreciate it, it doesn’t mean you are unlikable or should stop having a thoughtful personality. It just means the recipient – for whatever reason – didn’t know how to behave. Maybe they didn’t appreciate it, maybe no one taught them to say thank you, maybe it made them uncomfortable that someone did that for them because they aren’t used to it – it could be a million reasons but those are not things that you are responsible for. They, alone, are responsible for how they act.
The only thing you can control is your reaction to people that make you feel unlikable despite your kind efforts. I’d turn that positive energy toward people that will appreciate it and return the acts. They are just not that common.
There are definitely circumstances where you really are just around the wrong people and it’s wrong time and place.
A lot of the things I was passionate about when I was younger were considered lame by people at my school, my age, in my hometown. These same things are considered cool/niche hobbies now. I grew up in a largely Caucasian town, I never felt I was able to fully embrace my asian identity because of that and that led to feelings of not belonging. I was popular, but only because I hid myself away as much as I could, so my relationships didn’t feel all that genuine. I can’t help but think if I had been a teen now, in the big city I live in now, my teens would have been an amazing, genuine experience and I would have made so many more lifelong friendships from elementary school on.
If you’re finding yourself stuck, despite all your honest efforts to develop a good support system, explore the world around you and move. Bigger cities mean more people, more diversity in culture and personality more of a chance to meet people you can click with.
Some people don’t want to put in the work to cultivate a friendship. It’s hard, I know, but try not to take that personally.
You absolutely need to manage your expectations of others. You can’t expect them to meet your level of attention, thoughtfulness and caring, because they are other people that you have no control over. You have control over yourself and that’s it.
You show up for others with very high standards. Why? What do you stand to gain by consistently burning yourself out for people who haven’t shown you that they deserve your effort and time?
Set lower expectations, both for yourself and for others. Be picky about who you give your energy to. Not everyone deserves it. Wait for someone to show that they’re willing to invest in you before you give your whole heart and soul to them.
That might not be helpful, but I think there’s more than one possible explanation for that – actually, there are way too many possible explanations
Can I ask what was the closest friendship(s) you’ve had in your life, what it/they looked like and how it ended? Have you ever had a really close friend?
A friend of mine summed this up well:
“Nowadays, and especially after COVID, getting people to respond in any social way is like wringing water from a rock. Me, unfortunately, included.”
Idk what’s up with people. They don’t want to break out of their shell. Their loss.
Same. It feels like I’m on a whole other wave length. Other people somehow harmonize with each other, but I’m just dissonant. Even when I make friends, I feel like I’m just tagging along. I just don’t click with people the way they do with each other. Hopefully, someday we’ll find our people.
You sound like a very kind, caring, and giving person!
My only concern is that you’re giving so much of yourself to others that you lose your own identity and interests. If you have things you love to do make sure those things are known to the people you care about. It’s important to have your own personality and wants so that people can similarly understand you in the way you try to understand them.
Also you may be more extroverted than others you meet, there’s a magic of extroversion and convenience that people look for when looking for reasons to engage with others. Having a mentality that people can join you and enhance experiences you were already gonna participate in with or without them is a good one to have.
Other than that, just take comfort in knowing that everyone has different energy levels, sociability, and interests. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
This is an interesting problem I’ve also noticed in my own life. I think there are a lot of valuable insights provided so far, but I’ll see what I can add.
So first I’ll start by suggesting that there are three types of friends: bad, average, and good friends.
Bad friends are not friends, they’re people who take advantage of you in some sense of that word and you are better off not having them around. Ditch them. Average friends are what you are experiencing. People that are fine, but *feel* like they’re not “real” friends because they’re not reciprocating or whatever. Then there are good friends which are people that match with your desired energy.
Now, it’s important to note that *good* friends are rare. That, by my estimates, is *the* causal problem that we face. It’s not because most people suck, it’s because there is so much diversity in personality that most people won’t match your wavelength.
Next, also consider that it’s even rarer to *find* a good friend in contrast to ***making*** one. That is to say, friendships are generally earned, and they are earned BOTH WAYS. This is the second crux of a problem. You meet someone, they seem cool, but is this someone worth trying to develop into a good friend? ***You can’t usually tell without first spending a meaningful amount of time with them.***
So the issue, restated with all context, is that finding good friends is hard because you both have to find the right candidates without the help of a compatibility detector, and you have to further develop them into a good friend assuming they are compatible, which again you don’t know until having spent enough time with them.
Assuming that makes sense, here is my current working solution to finding good friends:
1) Expose yourself to circumstances where you would meet new people, and look to establish camaraderie over topics you would organically be interested in
2) Put in as much effort as you feel compelled into maintaining those connections, no more no less, and stop (or just keep them in the average friend category) when you feel you’re not making headway
3) Seek to establish habitual excuses for recurring interaction with people that you deem as having the right “vibe”
4) Repeat until you find yourself regularly among good company
Quick example for introvert nerds, since that’s the background I can speak for:
1) The hardest part here is meeting new people, since you’re a goober that’s awkward in social contexts. It’s ok, we get it. There are options. You can either LFG on reddit, use meetup or other apps, find discord groups, etc etc. Basically if you’re introducing yourself to new people and getting to know them, even through small talk, you’re on the right track
2) Follow up if you found common interests, invite them to play games or something, do so until you learn enough about them to decide what kind of friend they could be
3) Where do you regularly hang out? And who do you hang out with? Are those people, if they exist, bad/average/good friends? Are they an online group of friends that you talk to? Would the hypothetical new person fit in? Try introducing them and maybe it works out well. (or maybe it doesn’t, but that’s an interesting different topic)
4) Repeat. When you start getting victories, you can invite the average friends less often than the good friends to you regular habitual activities, and repeat until you’re not left alone in your bed at night thinking about this problem.
Hope this helps a reader out there. There is SO much more that could be said on this topic too, but I did what I could to keep it focused on the main topic, and best of luck.
It took me 15 years of searching for me find people who knew how to reciprocate friendship and checked my boxes.
Don’t be down on yourself. Get out there, meet new people at every opportunity, if they don’t pass the vibe check it’s not on you to force it to work. Move on.
Do that long enough and you’ll find your crew. Believe me, most people struggle with the same issues in their own way.
There is freedom and power to be found in knowing what you’re looking for in a friend and being ok with it when any particular person doesn’t check the right boxes.
Before the next time you do something nice for someone, ask yourself – what if the person never did anything back for me? Would you still do it? What if they didn’t even have any idea that you were the one who did the nice thing?
I love doing nice things for people. It makes me feel good. But if I expect anything back, I make sure it’s clearly communicated. Then it’s really more of a transaction, even if all you wanted back was acknowledgement.
If you keep doing nice things for people who didn’t ask for it, and you expect them to repay you in a way they didn’t agree to, it gives off a vibe that people can pick up very easily.
You sound just like me. I’m glad I’ve found someone else who is like me in regards to this. Makes me happy and hopeful that I will meet people like you.
People are very weird, people can get jealous of you just because you have the courage to lead and project their insecurities onto you
I was depressed for four months, and as soon as I got better. My friends started to act weird because “I shouldn’t be this happy” more so start putting healthy boundaries because I relate to the feeling of I want to fit in, but in the end, if you sacrifice your limits to fit in you will sooner or later realise you don’t belong there
Feel ya.
Hey trust me when I say I am the exact same way. I finally found a couple friends that appreciated who I was! I had to be specific about who I wanted as my friends though. Sadly I lost one of those friends as they decided to not take my feelings towards anything into consideration eventually. But I still have people that appreciate my generosity. Three things I’d give advice on.
1. You have to look and look hard to find friends that will meet your effort levels. Which is annoying and requires you putting in a lot of effort but trust me when I say that when the proper people come along they appreciate it. Weird thing is I found most of my best friends through Craigslist, which seems sketchy as hell but it’s the truth lol
2. Learn about codependency and boundaries. Don’t make my same mistake and let yourself be taken advantage of, which someone that will do anything for people will get walked on. This will end in you losing the people you thought respected you after you end up having enough of it.
3. Focus on yourself first and your hobbies etc. Nothing is wrong with you. I repeat. Nothing is wrong with you. It’s mostly society is different and less and less people are like you and I. It’s good you can try and see faults in yourself but I guarantee it’s just finding the right kind of people. It took me a long time but even after meeting one reciprocal friend it changed my view and it is so much easier to make friends now.
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You are not doing anything wrong.
But I think your therapist is on to something.
For one thing, we don’t live in an especially benevolent society. Neither the patriarchy nor capitalism value benevolence – they encourage taking advantage of it, in fact.
Secondly, it’s sad but true that we need to work to develop a filter, and stick to it. Ppl who repeatedly don’t reciprocate caring don’t deserve access to us. Doesn’t require a dramatic announcement – just focus your energy elsewhere. Focus your energy on ppl who are nourishing and uplifting and inspiring and bring out your best.
One of the ways I learned to do this was to stop asking myself “Is this friendship really that bad?” and instead asking myself “Is this friendship that *good*?”
It’s a more productive way to frame looking at relationships.
Wow I felt like I was reading my own biography. You are doing it right, nothing is wrong with you. It could be that you’re around people who may not reciprocate. One thing my therapist truly in perspective for me was to put myself on the other spectrum—why am I holding these expectations for others to do the same for me? What are my intentions when I do these nice gestures: do I expect the same treatment when I need support or do I genuinely care about people and this is MY way of showing that, while it may not be the same for others? It’s normal to want to feel needed but remember that not everyone shows solidarity in the same sense!
Are you a shy or reserved person at all? Or are you talking to everyone, making plans and introductions and initiating conversations a lot as well?
Because sometimes it can even be body language or not sharing enough about our own interests and what makes US interesting. I could be way off but just wanted to check
Neediness is unattractive. It’s good to be caring but you need balance. Get a life. Put yourself first sometimes. Being too good makes you unrelatable. Think about Mary Sue’s in stories. Just like in a story people being somewhat flawed gives them character.
You just seem kind of weird.. these things come naturally
I think it’s just the difference between extroverts and introverts. Nothing wrong with either party, it’s just the difference of expectations and boundaries don’t often work together. Like the extrovert is super sociable but the introvert can’t keep up with it, then the extrovert feels under appreciated, and the introvert feels overwhelmed and guilty. You can’t really change your social battery so they usually grow apart and think it’s for the better. Even if they only ever had positive feelings towards eachother it just doesn’t always work out you know? I feel like the only way an introvert and extrovert can have a close relationship is if they reach an understanding that they’ll never fully meet each others expectations but they’re appreciated nonetheless
SO… no you’re not a bad friend, and from the information shared neither are your friends, but that doesn’t mean your compatible
It’s ironic what has been happening to you has been on my mind all day. Like you always arranges events and always reach out to people and check up on them. I do call them first just to have a chat and if I can help them. It’s good to open up for ones mental health
Unfortunately it’s one sided. I really don’t know what I am doing wrong as not connecting with people. Ultimately it leaves me frustrated why they can’t just pick up
Also conversations are one sided as if their problems are the most important in the world
It’s been a struggle to maintain relationships and while I can understand why I was so unpopular in the past I cannot understand why now when I have so much going for me. I have an inkling maybe I am too nice play by the rules and don’t have an edge.
Today was a nice day and would loved to have gone out or even have a phone call but i realised how small my network is despite so much effort to grow it including via Social media and results have been disappointing and couldn’t find anyone. I am taking a break from social media.
I also think people have a sense of entitlement expecting you to contact them first do they feel superior. It’s got a lot worse over the years.
I think you and I have to accept that all relationships are uneven, otherwise we will be very lonely. I am kind of going further that i may not even bother making an effort with some people. Yes