My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8, and now have 2 small kids together. She is the love of my life and I could not imagine myself with anyone else. About 3 years into our marriage she started to show attraction to Asian characters in the shows and movies we watched together on our weekly movie nights. At first I brushed it off as a joke, but I realized she was serious about a month ago when we started watching Chicago Med. She joked often of wanting one of the characters, Dr. Choi, to be her doctor so he could “feel her up”. I laughed along, until she insisted we stop watching when Dr. Choi got into a relationship with another doctor. Thinking about it now, throughout our entire relationship Asian men caught her attention. For the past few years, she’s been obsessed with popular “kpop” members, joking how she would rather be with Eric Mun and Jimin. Even going as far to say that she’s disappointed she got stuck with a white man and that our babies aren’t as cute. A friend of mine since childhood is Korean and visits with us often. He and my wife have become friends. I always thought she acted weird around him, but I never took it personally until last night. As I was cleaning up dinner, she put the kids to bed and asked to sit down and have a talk about something important. I was hesitant, but agreed. She started it by saying that she didn’t feel like our sex life was as fulfilling as it used to be. I was taken aback and asked what I could do to bring her more fulfillment. She suggested we bring in a third person into our sex life. I instantly knew she had someone in mind despite her denying it. After an hour of talking in circles she revealed she had been having sexual thoughts and urges regarding my childhood friend and she suggested I watch. I was stunned and told her I didn’t want to discuss this anymore and slept in the living room. She took the kids to school this morning and went to help her sister pack as she is moving soon. We haven’t spoken since last night and I don’t know what to do. I’m sat in my car outside my office writing this, I don’t want to go home and see her knowing what she’s thinking about. I think I want a divorce as she’s clearly no longer the woman I fell in love with and I suspect she has already acted upon her urges with him. Is that too big of a jump over a sexual fantasy?
TLDR: My wife suggested I watch her be intimate with my childhood friend. Is divorce too extreme of a response?
Edit: Spoke with my friend and my wife after I returned home from work. I will be updating in due time once I feel I have things sorted out. I thank those of you nice enough to offer kind words and support.
43 comments
I personally wouldn’t say divorce is an extreme here
Don’t fall for this crap.
She wants to sleep with your friend, she is using your lack of fulfilling sex life as an excuse to get what she wants without guilt.
Do not fall for it.
IMO, there is no coming back from this, therapy she will either deny or just say it is not working, may even eventually cheat on you.
You think your childhood friend has cheated on his wife, and is having sex with your wife? I can understand your feelings towards your wife, but don’t make that assumption about your friend.
Sorry OP, SHE apparently can imagine herself with someone else. You are no longer compatible. She has already picked out an affair partner (you can watch). Pfffft. I suggest you start getting your financial affairs in order. Her crack about not having desirable looking children with you is a massive insult. Be present and think about your own happiness too.
When someone suggests opening a relationship with a specific individual:
1. There’s an extremely high probability they’re already cheating
2. Even if they aren’t cheating, they’re telling you that they want to cheat on you
3. If it does still go forward, it **ALWAYS** ends horribly for the couple
Personally I think divorce should absolutely be on the table. She doesn’t want to open the relationship to explore other sexual encounters – already a HUGE fucking ask and something that destroys most relationships that attempt it. She wants to cheat on you with a specific person that she is already fantasizing about.
People who are serious about marriage self-police their own attraction. I’m the type of guy that falls for people really easily. I’m sure everyone knows one or two people like that. I’ve also been with my wife for a long time without any serious issues caused by my propensity for falling easily. If I begin to develop feelings for someone I:
1. Immediately tell my wife once I realize it
2. Explain what type of feelings they are
3. Begin making changes to reduce my exposure to that person
4. If my wife asks, cut them out of my life (this has only happened once)
To me, there is nothing more important than ensuring my marriage remains strong. I love my wife more than anything and I understand that it’s my responsibility to manage my own feelings and ensure that I don’t do anything that will torpedo our marriage.
Your wife did the opposite of all of these things. She nurtured her feelings, began to fantasize about them and went so far as to ask you to let her cheat on you, **if** she hasn’t cheated on you already.
Get tested for stds and find a lawyer. You will never see her the same way again.
Check the divorce laws in your state and speak with an attorney ASAP. Doesn’t mean you have to go through with it, but it’s important to get an understanding of the your legal situation immediately. Also, consider joining divorced dad groups for support. Being in a support group helped me pull through but our issues were different.
As for your wife, thoughts are not actions unless you have more that’s concerning (e.g., her and friend see each other when you’re not home). Does you wife watch a lot of porn? It’s usually men, but women watch porn too. Maybe she’s gotten into cuckold porn a bit too much. Check her browser history.
She has to see that her comments in the past are hurtful and she should apologize. Explain to her that you’re not OK at all with her request to sleep with your longtime friend and that it has caused a fracture in your marriage that’ll take time to fix.
Sadly, sounds like you have to choose between your friend or your wife (and your friend didn’t ask to fuck your wife, so…idk), because allowing them to be together is just asking for problems down the road.
If she can’t see how she’s hurting you, divorce is certainly on the table.
This is deep..I don’t think it will work..She somehow seems to have regret about the partner she chose because she’s attracted to a certain type..You shouldn’t agree to any open marriage and leave her. She clearly has a fantasy she wants to fulfill at the expense of her current marriage..So manipulating!
Wants to act – yes
Has already acted – that’s a big leap.
Your response should be “No” and it should also be “my Korean friend will no longer be coming to our house and I expect you to block him on all platforms so that you’re not unfaithful.” And it should also be “Don’t ask for this again”
The moment they bring out open
Marriage is the moment your marriage is over. Contact a lawyer and start the process
honestly it sounds like she’s already cheated on you with him and is trying to get you to agree to this so she feels less guilt. i would definitely look into divorce before this gets worse.
Either she acted on it or they have been discussing sleeping together because that’s a big assumption for her to think he would bang her, so they either have already or have been discussed it, either way I’d call it quits.
If you have somewhere to go tonight go there and Inform her you will be back in few days but as far as your concerned the marriage is over.
It’s seems like OP’s wife was plotting to sleep with the friend all along. Isn’t she basically having a fetish, saying her kids aren’t that cute because they don’t share Asian decent. Tell her people of color are real people, not there to fulfill a sexual fantasy.
OP,
You could call your friend, tell him what she said and asked if she’s talked to him about it. If so, you know they’ve been talking and he’s not your friend because he never told you.
I would get her, your friend, and his wife in the same room then bring this up for discussion. See what his wife thinks and let them know you are against it but just wanted a head count on who is for it and who is against it.
She is asking for you to approve her obsessive fetish.
She needs to get some therapy, especially if she can’t handle an actor on tv being in a relationship. It’s one thing to like an actor/character, but when it interferes with reality, it’s an issue.
She sounds disrespectful AF. Dude, she and him have at least been talking about it. When an open relationship is proposed with someone in mind, the relationship is as good as over.
Your wife is fetishizing East Asians and saying the babies would be cuter if she had an Asian guy is just ICK x10. Can’t blame you for wanting out about the rest of it
UpdateMe!
When a partner asks for an open marriage they already have a guy lined up or are actively banging the new guy.
Since she’s fixated on your friend for the moment it sounds like they’ve been crossing some lines behind your back. Otherwise how does she know he’d go for it?
Women don’t pull this crap on someone they love and respect. Divorce and find a woman who respects you.
I’m Korean, and I don’t think your friend would even WANT to sleep with her if you told him all of this. Her fetishizing your friend is definitely weird and gross.
Get your divorce. If she wants a Korean man, she can move to Korea and date there. She doesn’t need to pick the first Korean man she knows.
The line “even going so far as to say she’s disappointed she got stuck with a white man and that our babies aren’t as cute” WTF, that is so unbelievably fucked up
Some day you will find that your wife was not the love of your life. People that do this know the hurt they bring down on a partner. It’s not love. It wasn’t what you agreed to when you married. She is trying to change the rules. People that truly love others don’t do this kind of crap.
What you do is gather your self respect and go file for divorce. If you don’t she is gonna drag you through months of misery. Better to bite the bullet now and kick her garbage butt to the curb
Divorce is the correct response to her actions. I’d drop it squarely in her lap.
Tell her sayonara and be done with it. Go find yourself a hot Asian babe too.
The good news is the marriage is already dead, so you don’t have to make a choice about it. This isn’t anything that was your cross to bear. You didn’t end it, she did. The disrespect is off the charts. This isn’t some innocent fantasy that she just wanted to share. You’re not kink shaming her by finding that way too much. It’s not your fault, I’m sorry this is who she ended up becoming.
If you want to find out the truth. Play cool, say you’ve reconsidered but say you don’t know how to approach it with your childhood friend without him being creeped out and see what she says. From there, she’ll spill the extent of the relationship
But personally, your wife if a fucking weirdo with a serious fetish for Asians. To say that your babies aren’t as cute because they’re whites is honestly sick. I would be think among ending the marriage too
Nope. Nope nope nope nope. She’s one foot out the door already and this isn’t gonna help one damn bit.
So your wife wants to have sex, or is having sex with your childhood friend and wants to Launder this betrayal by calling your marriage an “open marriage”. You may want to talk to you friend to see if they have already acted, Don’t be accusatory, try to convey an attitude that your seriously considering this so he tells you the truth.
You are a monogamous person, that is obvious by your writing so an open relationship will not work for you so I would say you should not entertain the idea as it would destroy you mentally and emotionally.
If she has not acted on this bizarre fantasy, it may be possible to save the marriage with individual and marriage counseling depending on her commitment, I would definitely see a lawyer follow their advice and begin divorce proceedings (You can stop them at any time) so as to not waste any time and show her how opposed and serious you are to this.
Cheers and good luck.
I would suggest leaving her. She is gaslighting you about your sex life to try to push you into agreeing.
Absolutely get that divorce rolling. Don’t be married to someone who wants someone who isn’t you.
If watching her cheat on you isn’t enough reason, then there’s the monumentally disrespectful things she said to you or about you. “Disappointed she got stuck with a white man?” I’d have fixed that right goddamn fast for her. Papers for her to sign that same evening. Sue for full custody of the babies she thought weren’t cute enough for her, too.
And you’re right: she probably already has acted on it with him, and thinks bringing you in as a nominal third in her threesome will count as getting retroactive permission for her infidelity.
They’re already fucking
Bro!!!! Red flag
Your wife is gross
Hi. I’m polyamorous, so I’m normally pretty supportive about open relationships or unconventional relationship structures.
I would say that you should break up with her, though. Both for the cringey fetishization of Asian people and for (at best) emotionally cheating on you with your childhood friend.
I don’t know if he’s been talked to about this plan of hers, but if so, to have that discussion without your consent is super shitty on both their parts.
If he hasn’t been talked to about her desire to have sex with him, then he also deserves better than to have your wife creeping on him.
This relationship is over!
I’m sorry man but protect yourself get your finances in order and try to keep it clean for the kids.
As best as u can.
Sorry for the loss of your marriage.
Good luck
Your already taken good decision. She is need wake up call, that divorce papers and exposing is that wakeup call for her.
Expose her to her family. Don’t waste your remaining life with that character person.
I audibly gasped when she said she wanted you to watch. What the actual fuck , I would’ve been livid.
Oh man. The edit sounds ominous. I’m definitely interested in an update
I didn’t even have to read the whole thing. It’s a no from me. It’s over.
No it’s not an extreme response. If my partner wanted to open up the marriage to fuck other people that’s an instant divorce for me