Title.
I’m going for a drive because this is my life right now.
Edit: I found out through custody proceedings with her ex-husband. Apparently her exhusband somehow wrapped up the guy she dated before in some kind of legal proceedings and he gave the exhusband security camera footage showing her coming and going for an overnight about a two months after we started dating as part of the settlement. So I have high definition footage of her showing up on his doorstep and kissing him goodbye the next morning.
We’ve been married barely a month.
Edit 2: I found out Friday. Yes, we were exclusive at that point. Someone had actually reached out and told me about it after we’d been together about six months. I confronted her then, and she convinced me that her ex was crazy and jealous and just trying to start shit. But now I’ve spent the past two days starting at proof that she’s been lying to me about it for almost three years now.
Edit 3: For clarity; she cheated 2 months into dating. Someone told me six months in. She convinced me her ex was trying to start shit. We dated almost three years. Got married last month. Friday, her ex-husband pulls out security camera footage of her coming and going from the guys house, whom she dated after him, but before me at mediation for the custody of their kid. I’ve been processing this all weekend.
45 comments
Annulment
I’m sorry man, but I’m out. There’s no way of knowing if that’s the only dude or time she did it. Once trust is gone it’s fucking tough to get it back.
Sorry dude, first and foremost.
I’d say, thanks for letting me know, I have to sit with this for a little bit. Then I’d probably do the same thing you’re doing.
Even if you stay you’ll have intrusive thoughts about her your whole life, sorry man. Once someone is a proven cheater you’ll always wonder if they’re cheating again
Trust is like a sheet of paper. If you crumble it up, you can smooth it back out, but you’ll never get rid of all the creases, they’ll always be there to remind you.
Can ya live with the creases?
She will repeat this behavior. You gotta decide what kind of red flag you’ll tolerate.
This shit is all too common. You’re not alone and we all sympathize.
leave. it is no other option. take her ass to court in the morning
I’d also probably be going for a drive a lot of think this over.
The cheating part would obviously hurt, but I’d be more upset that she had so many chances to tell me *before* we got married.
It’s one thing to claim you fucked up once, however many (hopefully) years ago. It’s another thing to actively choose to deceive me everyday, until *after* we locked ourselves into a contract.
Annulment and don’t date anyone new for years. I’d need time to process and regain the ability to trust.
This is absolutely awful, I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this right now. If it helps at all, I can offer a bit of solidarity. My ex of 3 years – almost engaged – cheated on me less than 48 hours of him and I becoming exclusive (he said ‘we are exclusive, right?’ and I emphatically said ‘Yes!’). Then, within a few weeks of cheating (I was still in the dark), he took me to a small gathering that included the same ex/person he’d cheated on me with. He didn’t tell me about either the cheating or my exposure to the person for a year. Well, he told me about the cheating – I had to piece together the exposure part and confront him about it. Some people really have it comin’ to ’em.
You deserve a marriage founded on fidelity and friendship. She did not exhibit either. From the MOMENT you two were committed, she should have protected you and your (sacred!) relationship. She did not. I excused my ex’s actions for another 1.5 years because I wanted to be the ‘bigger’ person, I loved him, ‘we could push through this’, he ‘regretted’/’hated the man he was’ etc. etc. etc. Long story short, he just got better at his deceit.
When newly dating, folks are (usually) crazy about one another, excited about the future, and a little nervous about doing/saying the wrong thing. So, I don’t understand why your wife or my ex wouldn’t have felt similarly at that stage. And yet, they did what they did. If someone treats you like trash during the best of times – when it’s normal for both parties to be crazy about each other and worried about messing things up/treading carefully – why should one expect differently when life happens/hardships come up/dry spells occur/etc.?
Anyways, I’d run, I couldn’t live with that distrust (again), it creates too much stress and takes a massive physical toll on one’s mind and body.
Talk to a lawyer first before doing anything silly, don’t tell her anything until you’ve talked to a lawyer. Gather evidence, and then file for divorce. Sue her for the ring and get it back. Then move on with your life and find someone who actually cares about you enough to respect you.
I married a dude and the NEXT DAY found evidence he was cheating / had cheated. I tried to moved past it. what took place next was 3 years of lying, gaslighting, manipulation and continued cheating before I finally called it.
Get out now. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. it really sucks – but pull the band-aid off now and spare yourself future heartache and disappointment.
Cheater are cheaters. That’s something I learned way too late. Cheaters also lie. Liars manipulate and manipulators lie. People like this are vampires that will drain anyone and everyone who come close to them.
Being a continuous victim of a vampire will drain you eventually.
Sorry to hear that, man…
But, to be clear, she’s lied, at MINIMUM, five times:
1. The affair itself
2. When you asked about it
3. EVERY FUCKING DAY SINCE THEN
4. On your wedding day
5. On your honeymoon and EVERY FUCKING DAY SINCE THEN
GTFO, with prejudice.
Lied even when asked about it. See ya.
I would suggest that you can not trust her due to her manipulation, lying, and gaslighting you.
I would pull my name off the apartment lease, end all banking transactions, stop all credit cards etc., and finally seek a lawyer out. Divorce laws and annulment are handled differently from state to state.
**I would not confront her until I had all the ends tied up and had my plan of action in place.** I would keep as calm and cool as I could. Finally seek out the assistance of a PI if you can. Why to collect as much information as you can.
Then I would move out, have her served after you have moved. Then block her on everything. Leave a message on the table that she can contact your lawyer for questions. Then sit back and wait until its over.
Why collect information? Because out of the play book that always get played. She will call to arms get all your family and friends involved. Do everything she can to pull your name into the mud. Then you publish it all on social media and watch her go into damage control as she is proven a liar. She will implode under the pressure and you have the best revenge – you move on.
If you dont have kids yet, cut your losses now, she is dishonest period . Do this before kids are involved she is the worst kind of liar as well the kind that denies , denies , until you have physical evidence instead of just admitting it when caught and having some accountability, everyone is “crazy”but her it everyones problems but hers. Cut your losses now man
Because everyone else is already stating the obvious, I’ll say this: I’ve seen very good relationships last after similar things. From the outside, these are simple dealbreakers and leaving is clearly the only option. Things aren’t always that cut and dry.
This is your decision. I would probably leave, but you’re the one who decides if you trust her now and can forgive this.
Cheating is something I can’t let go
“it was just one time”
One time too many, adios.
She a hoe. Let her go
Had us in the first half for sure. If it was just something that happened 3 years ago, and you were only finding out now for the first time, it might be something you could overlook. The fact that you found out previously about it and she lied and gaslighted you instead of coming clean when you brought it up says more than anything else here. I’d be looking for a good divorce attorney.
New bride as in wife? Annulment. Fiancé? Hard cut, block every way she has to contact you, move on.
Oooff! That’s a straight kick in the ballsnacks. My condolences!
Use what you have and get that “marriage” annulled!
I think you’re within the 90 days where you can get it annulled pretty easily.
I remember being SUPER pissed at the guy my ex-wife cheated on me with at the time, but these days I wanna send him a Christmas card for saving me 20-30 years of bullshit with a partner that was terrible for me.
It sucks…a lot. But your perspective changes with time. Sorry this happened to ya, bud
Edit: Listen to the dudes saying talk to a lawyer and don’t let on that you know anything yet before you protect yourself. The lawyer will have good advice on how to proceed
In this situation, I would be on the phone with an attorney, or their voicemail within the hour to immediately begin seeking an annulment to the marriage, or if it were too late, immediately filing for divorce.
If you can get annulment, go for it and then speed through the rest of this. If not, follow the advice of the Apothecary in Romeo & Juliet. “Wisely and slow. They stumble who go fast”
Take physical ownership of all important documents (she can have a copy if her lawyer needs one, the original stays with me for anything short of a court order), and immediately begin to separate any finances or other accounts and change log-in information for everything… from bank accounts to emails to netflix and hulu, even accounts you don’t think she has the info for. Heirloom jewelry that comes from my side of the family ninja vanishes, as does the picture evidence of it taken for insurance purposes. Legally, I can’t remember what my grandma’s rings looked like… I’ve never been into jewelry… did it even really exist??..
Secure backup lodging, at least short term, at best, new lease somewhere.
Only after *I* am completely prepared, and given the ok from my lawyer do I serve her with the divorce papers. Being who I am, I would probably take the day off work to pack my shit up with the speed of Barry Allen and start the moment she left for the day. Anything that would go unnoticed was already spirited away, everything else gets put in totes whereever it fits and stacked into a Uhaul. Take pictures of the place to prove it’s condition when I leave.
While she is settling into the start of her work day, or workout or hanging out with some friends… I tank the whole rest of the day for her and send her a vague-ish, ominous text along the lines of “I want you to know that it wouldn’t have changed this outcome, there is no expiration date on betrayal, but it might have hurt less if I had found out from you…” I wait for a reply to know she is at her phone, then send a copy of the video files. Wait until she tries to reply/call/etc and then I send her a picture of my wedding band on top of the divorce papers and a message with my lawyer’s contact info and “you may use this number to communicate.”
I would not block her, but there would be radio silence on my end. I would then contact all family and friends, on both sides, to apologize for wasting their time and money about a month ago on our wedding because I didn’t know I was marrying someone treacherous at the time. I convey that if she hits the scene trying to weave some tale of wonder, to let her know that I already told them and left her the message that she can either close her mouth and walk away from the attempt at a story time, or I would be all too glad to verify what they already heard.
Cook a steak on the grill, drink a couple of Guinness, take a deep breath in… hold it… and blow out all the bullshit. The lawyers can handle the headaches. That’s what they’re paid for.
How is she in general? Do you think she improved? Do you think her a narcissist and is trying to take advantage of you? Do you find her acts and words genuine towards both of you?
The reality is, you need to make that decision since you’re the one who has the most contact and accurate picture of this person. However, being alone is much more worthwhile than being with someone so awful.
the lying part makes it a million times worse, in my book.
She cheated and then she lied to you consistently. There can be no trust in this relationship. If she’d come clean that would have been one thing, but only a fool would stay with a proven liar and for something that major.
The cheating is bad. The lying about the cheating means I could never trust her again.
On of my really close friends got cheated on, his then already wife slept with his best friend, that friendship is no more now. Anyway my friend stayed together with his wife and are still together to this day.
However this is not how I would react, life might be shit for a while but I would do everything to not be with her again. If someone cheats while in a relationship with me, I have zero tolerance, there’s no “she may change” or “I can cope with it”, that ass is getting kicked out and will not have a single chance with me in her life again. I always make it clear to my S/Os that honesty is the #1 in my relationship, even if it hurts someone else’s feeling I want to be able to be honest at all times and if my S/O can’t do the same then we won’t fit.
I’ll rather endure a big amount of pain all at once compared to being crippled throughout the rest of my life. So you’ll have to judge if you can live with this trust issue but for me as I said zero tolerance, you cheat you’ll get out of my life, simple as that.
Cheating at the start of a relationship I could get past, especially since it’s with the ex.
But she looked you in the eyes and swore blind it didn’t happen? That’s…tough to get past.
Instead of asking angry internet dudes, you just need to ask yourself if you love her enough to forgive and move on. If not, then you have your answer.
Hmm….
https://www.reddit.com/r/GuyCry/comments/14hcvgl/well_my_dudes_my_ex_who_left_me_for_the_dude_she/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
So 23 days ago you were posting about how your life was a wreck because a woman who had cheated on you in the past married the guy she cheated on you with. There’s nothing there about your new blushing bride.
Seems odd.
I can’t fathom having something worthy without trust.
you will always remember this, the question you have to ask yourself for the next ten years is that, can I live with this and can I live like this?
I’d lawyer up immediately. the longer you stay the more costly it’ll be to leave.
This one is VERY tough. I feel the people saying get out now are being very reactionary. Two months is still a very new relationship, her feelings towards you are completely different now as you’ve grown together, and although it’s shitty it’s very possible that this was a one time thing that never happened again.
For me, at two months, I don’t even think I told my now wife I loved her yet. We were still learning more about each other and testing the waters on if this could be long term or not. Both roads are going to be tough, I recommend you gather your thoughts and 100% get counseling. For yourself and also couples if you choose to stay.
This absolutely sucks. Your brain is going to assume the worst, but that may not be the case. I’m sorry you’re going through this, just know you’re justified in staying or leaving. This will always be on your mind, I just recently found out that my Great Grandpa believed my Great Grandma cheated on him while he was serving in WWII and it stayed an accusation of his until the day he died in 2009 which she denied every single time… He didn’t have proof but he couldn’t forget about it or drop it for some 65 years. Pick the option that you believe will make you happier 5, 10, 20, or even 65 years later.
I’d like to think I would leave the marriage over that.
It could be hard to argue throwing away 3 years and a marriage for something that happened early in a new relationship, but the lying is what gets me. She thought you might leave her if you knew the truth and what she wanted was more important than what you might decide was best for you. And that would tip the scales for me.
Studies have shown that cheating is more of a character trait than something that simply happened due to circumstances…. someone is either morally ok with betraying others or they are not…. If it happened once, it’s likely to happen again… according to the science
>I confronted her then, and she convinced me that her ex was crazy and jealous and just trying to start shit.
So, a gaslighter. You’ll never know what’s true in the relationship from this point forward.
If she’d asked for forgiveness after being confronted, you could have moved on with healing from there. But instead she tried to get you to doubt your own mind.
Her conscience was more important to her than your sanity.
I would end it and find someone else with integrity. There’s too much drama wrapped up with her.
Annulment and protect your ass before she takes your shit & a different future from you.
Somebody who is willing to do that to another person will never completely change. Or at least how could you ever trust that they have? It’s all been a lie this entire time. Who knows what she hasn’t been busted for yet.
dude run… only an idiot would stay with a woman like that. only been married for a month, you got a golden ticket to GTFO ASAP. 10 years down the line and she’s taking half your stuff, and making you pay spousal support
Ex husband, kids, another ex that she cheated on you with AT LEAST one time- what are you doing? Idk.