I just want to tell my storie cause it’s been eating me alive.
When I was 16, I already went through a few experiences with girls, and being the inmature boy I was, I never let myself get into a relationship with anyone, cause I always thought I’d be just loosing time with them. No one ever seemed enough, and I also used to think too much about why I liked someone, which was an easy way to find red flags and give up on them. Also, being more honest, relationships scared the shit out of me. It only took one day to change this whole perspective.
January 2016. My group friend organized a surprise party for one of us. She had a really good internet friend that lived 3 hours away from us, so they decided to invite her to make the surprise bigger. I had been drowning in a really deep depression for a whole year. Nothing was important at all for me. Everything seemed like a really bad joke. I remember I cut my hair that day, right before the party. I was a bit late, so I ended up being the last person that arrived. I said hi to each of my friends before this girl appearead on my sight. I could never describe what seing her looking at me with a shy smile fom the other side of the room felt like. I just felt I had to know her. We introduced ourselves but didn’t talk too much during the party cause I also was a bit shy, so I remember I left the house a bit sad, thinking about her and how much I wanted that person to be part of my life.
I had her number from a group chat we had in common, so I decided to text her without hesitation. During two months we talked everyday and I started loving every detail of her. It wasn’t just about idealization. I truly realized this girl was perfect for me. The way she loved things was the purest thing I ever saw in anyone. So I decided to visit her. I went to her city, we went to the beach and saw the sunset together. When our favorite song played, we kissed. I still can say it was the best moment of my life. We spent the rest of the night together. I came back the next day thinking about this day being the best of my life. I still think it was.
But good things don’t last forever I guess. Everything fell apart after that day. She told me she liked me, but didn’t want to get closer that we already were, so we just kept talking for a long time but not being anything anymore. Turns out she was also scared of relationships, so I just felt that as karma, because of the other girls I had been with before. Months passed and I couldn’t forget about her. It didn’t make any sense in my head. I thought I had discovered the most precious bond I could ever have and just lost it on the same day. We still talked and saw each other 4 or 5 times more during the next three years. We talked about everything and cared infinitely about how we were doing in life. We appreciated our bond a lot and she confessed me she also felt that moment on the beach as one of the most precious of her life. During those years, I had different things with other girls, and again they were never enough for me to feel fine about it. So, in my mind I always came back to her cause she was way too special to be forgotten.
When we were 19, she moved out to a really far away city. Years passed. We still talk sometimes, and we still remember the good old days with love. She has a girlfriend now, they’ve been together for 3 years. I would never get myself in the middle of that situation, I’m so happy for them, but it’s still hard for me to think about this. Every relationship I had until now was just an empty sensation when I compare it to the feeling I get with a single text from this girl. We’re 23 now and I’m really afraid of this. I thought this would leave me one day, but I still want to marry this person. I can’t imagine a life without her. She’s just everything I could ever ask in anyone. And if I’m writing this right now, it’s clearly cause there are many times that it may be hurting too much. Will this feeling ever go away? Who knows. Right now I just feel like I have to keep growing up while carryiI just want to tell my storie cause it’s been eating me alive.
When I was 16, I already had a lot of experiences with girls, and being the inmature boy I was, I never let myself get into a relationship with anyone, cause I always thought I’d be just loosing time with them. No one ever seemed enough, and I also used to think too much about why I liked someone, which was an easy way to find red flags and give up on them. Also, being more honest, relationships scared the shit out of me. It only took one day to change this whole perspective.
January 2016. My group friend organized a surprise party for one of us. She had a really good internet friend that lived 3 hours away from us, so they decided to invite her to make the surprise bigger. I had been drowning in a really deep depression for a whole year. Nothing was important at all for me. Everything seemed like a really bad joke. I remember I cut my hair that day, right before the party. I was a bit late, so I ended up being the last person that arrived. I said hi to each of my friends before this girl appearead on my sight. I could never describe what seing her looking at me with a shy smile fom the other side of the room felt like. I just felt I had to know her. We introduced ourselves but didn’t talk too much during the party cause I also was a bit shy, so I remember I left the house a bit sad, thinking about her and how much I wanted that person to be part of my life.
I had her number from a group chat we had in common, so I decided to text her without hesitation. During two months we talked everyday and I started loving every detail of her. It wasn’t just about idealization. I truly realized this girl was perfect for me. The way she loved things was the purest thing I ever saw in anyone. So I decided to visit her. I went to her city, we went to the beach and saw the sunset together. When our favorite song played, we kissed. I still can say it was the best moment of my life. We spent the rest of the night together. I came back the next day thinking about this day being the best of my life. I still think it was.
But good things don’t last forever I guess. Everything fell apart after that day. She told me she liked me, but didn’t want to get closer that we already were, so we just kept talking for a long time but not being anything anymore. Turns out she was also scared of relationships, so I just felt that as karma, because of the other girls I had been with before. Months passed and I couldn’t forget about her. It didn’t make any sense in my head. I thought I had discovered the most precious bond I could ever have and just lost it on the same day. We still talked and saw each other 4 or 5 times more during the next three years. We talked about everything and cared infinitely about how we were doing in life. We appreciated our bond a lot and she confessed me she also felt that moment on the beach as one of the most precious of her life. During those years, I had different things with other girls, and again they were never enough for me to feel fine about it. So, in my mind I always came back to her cause she was way too special to be forgotten.
When we were 19, she moved out to a really far away city. Years passed. We still talk sometimes, and we still remember the good old days with love. She has a girlfriend now, they’ve been together for 3 years. I would never get myself in the middle of that situation, I’m so happy for them, but it’s still hard for me to think about this. Every relationship I had until now was just an empty sensation when I compare it to the feeling I get with a single text from this girl. We’re 23 now and I’m really afraid of this. I thought this would leave me one day, but I still want to marry this person. I can’t imagine a life without her. She’s just everything I could ever ask in anyone. And if I’m writing this right now, it’s clearly cause there are many times that it may be hurting too much. Will this feeling ever go away? Who knows. I’m starting to think I’ll be carrying it forever.