TLDR;
1. Is an open marriage/ polyamory a potential solution for a stale marriage?
2. How do I approach my husband with this proposal (or about acting differently) in our marriage without him getting defense or it sounding like an ultimatum/threat to leave.
Hi. This is my first time posting on Reddit and putting my business out there but it took me a long time mentally to get to this point and I want to make sure I am exceptionally thoughtful about my decision and approach. Thank you for reading.
My husband (36M) and I (34F) have been married almost four years. We have 2 small children (1 & 3) and have no big “problems” in our marriage. We coparent well together and we seem to have a happy and healthy household. My husband is a good man and a good dad. He is not a bad husband. He just has never been able to live up to my needs.
Throughout the 7 years of our relationship I have always begged him to do more to show his love and affection. We are vastly different people. I am passionate, and give 110% to everything in my life. I am also prone to anxious attachment, so I have a high(er) requirement for intimacy/connection than the average person and also than my husband. He is very content, and doesn’t appear to have many needs. He appears to be happy in a marriage that just exists. He is not particularly passionate or romantic. We have had sex twice in the last year. We don’t make out, cuddle, etc, The only time we go on a date or have any special time together I have to plan it. He makes time for himself but does not make time with me a priority. He does buy me the obligatory gift for birthday/anniversary. He doesn’t seem to make an effort to connect with me on any particular level.
I have brought all of this up to him over and over, asking him to do more. We are aware of the love language argument and I do not think it is that simple (at this point I would take ANY form of affection/connection/intimacy) I am at the point where I just don’t believe my husband is able to satisfy this part of my needs. He is prone to avoidant attachment and I am
not sure he is capable or willing to adjust to be more connected to me.
And I am not willing to bend, I am at my wits end with trying to change myself or require less. My mental health is suffering now and so is the culture of our home. I feel resentful now because I want and deserve more. I have been in relationships before where I have felt doted on and cared for and I want my marriage to be that way.
I do not want to separate our family. We are a happy family, I just need more to fill my tank. I have always thought about being polyamorous as I feel like I have a huge love tank and not sure one person could ever satisfy this. I am looking for perspective/experience as to if this would be a workable solution for us.
Looking for advice, the kind words, the painfully truthful words, bring it on. Thank you.
8 comments
No. Simple as that.
I encourage you to post in r/polyamory and see the responses you get from there. Polyamory isn’t as simple as you think.
You think getting romance, intimacy and sex with another man will keep your marriage alive?
Really!
>I have been in relationships before where I have felt doted on and cared for
Then you should have married one of those guys.
>I feel like I have a huge love tank and not sure one person could ever satisfy this
Then, become single and have as many lovers as that tank can take.
Seriously, you aren’t happy or fulfilled. Get out before you become a cheater because that is where your line of reasoning will end up taking you and you are better than that. And consider if any marriage can satisfy you.
News flash: you *do*, in fact, have a big problem. Lack of intimacy. It’s such a big problem that you’re talking about a pretty extreme step to “solve” it. Other extreme kinds of steps would include divorce or involuntary widowhood.
Y’all need to talk about this problem first. And probably pay someone to listen to you talk about it.
Most people aren’t cut out for forever.
Serial monogamy or being a player works out quite well for a lot of people, in terms of happiness.
Wanting the security of a marriage and the fun of the party life is kind of a big ask. Usually one person in that dynamic is holding most of the cards, and everyone knows it.
I’m happily married and even though I’m almost 50, my wife and I take off for sexy weekends all the time. The optimist in me wants to believe that every couple can have this, but reality would indicate otherwise.
Same goes for people in a happy open marriage. These people are the exception.
Were you having regular sex before you had kids? Being married 4 years and having two kids means you got pregnant right after getting married.
There may be some trauma from the pregnancies that he’s avoiding sex? Having two little ones maybe he’s so worn out he’s just not in the mood. There’s so many things here.
What has changed?
I’m in an open marriage, so I hope that it helps hearing this answer from someone on the other side.
1) ENM of any form is never a solution to a relationship problem. It will just reveal the cracks of the relationship. Only and always open your relationship if it’s stable, healthy, and fill of communication and respect. You can’t fix a marriage by being open.
2) I’d say only you know your husband well enough to know how he would react by this proposition, but sometimes our partners can take us by suprise, so if you’re determined to bring up ENM to your husband, be prepared for every reaction. You have communicated with him multiple times over that you’re not satisfied in the past, and now you’re going to propose enm. No matter how kindly and respectfully you word it, no matter how much you insist that this is about you and not him, he most likely will take it personally and begin to believe that he’s “not enough for you.” (Even though personally, I think that’s a ridiculous notion)
I’ve seen a few success stories on the Dead Bedroom sub of the HLS who spoke with their LLS and began a one side open marriage so the HLS can get their needs fulfilled. But I can promise you, that arrangement will only work for you if your husband truly and honestly does not care about sex. If he doesn’t want to have sex, if he does think about sex, and if he’s okay with never having sex with you for the rest of his life, then yes, opening up your marriage can potentially work. But if he truly wants to do better but can’t seem to figure it out, if he wants to revive y’alls sex life but is too stuck on the cycle of shame, guilt, awkwardness and so he never initiates, then he’s not going to be on board with having an open marriage. If he doesn’t want the burden of having to sexually satisfy you, then he may react more positively to an open marriage, but if he wants to improve the marriage and hears that you want to be satisfied by someone else, then he’s going to start believing the worst in himself and you.
If enm is something you still seriously want to consider, see if you can have a few more conversations about what he would like to see in your marriage regarding sex and romance. I know you’ve been talking until your face is blue. I know you’re at your wit’s end. But you need to gain more insight on if he wants to see sex and romance improve, or if he truly happy with the way things are despite how you feel. Once you get a deeper understanding of his contentment, then you’ll know if enm is a worthwhile conversation to bring up.
The open marriage/poly lifestyle is very very difficult and that’s for couples who don’t exhibit the problems you are talking about. Fix the issues in your marriage before trying to bring others into it. Not sure why you married your husband to begin with unless you view him more as a stable guy and good father but doesn’t give you the butterflies that you desire.
Opening a marriage never seems like a good idea nevertheless a good solution.
“He has never been able to live up to my needs.”
Has your husband (even when dating) always been like this? I don’t know how you connect with someone let alone marry if they were not on your intimacy level. How did you deal with it before you were married? If he was not it is unfair now to expect him to be because you guys are married.
However if he was then changed he has to fix this. You guys are in a partnership and should have your intimate needs met within the marriage.