This happened last night, I am at work right now and still a little shaken up to I decided to ask for some outside opinions.
I started a company after college in IT consulting, we specialize in privacy compliance and regulations so from when GDPR came into force around 2018 the company grew substantially. That was also around the time I met my now Fiancée. When I asked her out she did not know about what I do for work or how much money I earn, and only saw the real scale of it after we started dating.
After 4 years of dating, I asked her to marry me two months ago and she agreed. Our families are really close and have already been joking about us getting married a few months into our relationship.
I would describe our relationship as pretty much perfect. We have the occasional disagreement but we never get loud or irrationally angry. In four years we never had a fight that wasn’t resolved by the end of the day. I do everything I can to make sure she is happy, I buy her flowers, take her out on dates, vacations and do stuff with her whenever I can. She is a kind and funny person, she is always there for me when I am feeling down or burned out and has been my best friend for the past 4 years.
I have to admit that I do work a lot but I always try to learn about her day and how she is feeling when I get home. She has a teaching degree but stopped working about a year ago to focus on taking care of her dad who has cancer. She was hinting at quitting for a while so I offered to carry her expenses.
This is not a financial issue for me at all and at the time I did not really think about it because I thought it was a great way for her to spend some time with her dad before he passes. I assumed that she would go back to work sometime after that.
Last night we were at a dinner with some of her friends and their partners. I did not drink because it was a Sunday and I had to work today. She and her friends did not mind so they got pretty drunk. Eventually, a topic came up where one of her friends that was there was recently dumped by her long-time boyfriend. This is the rough reconstruction of what was said: (translated to english)
**Friend:** *(jokingly)* “Fiancée figured it out, just find a rich guy and chill for the rest of your life”
**Fiancée:** “Exactly, just find a reason to stay at home for a while and never get back to work. And when he has a problem with it, just take half his stuff”
I know she was probably just joking here but that still obviously bothered me. I confronted her about it on the way home and she ended up admitting that while she does love me, she would not have married me if I did not have the financial security. I asked her if she would marry me if I earned what she does and she said no.
We had a big fight about this morning, she is saying that I should have not confronted her while I was sober and she was drunk. Also, she claims that there is nothing wrong with a woman choosing a man based on his salary, as she is only looking out for herself and her future children. She argued that guys tend to go for looks and women accept that too.
I understand her point but I was a little heartbroken. I would do absolutely anything for her and I don’t care if she were poor or sick or whatever. The fact that her loyalty to me is based on the advantages of dating me rather than me as a person and partner makes me rethink if the is the one I should marry.
She has already agreed to a prenup months ago so I do think that the ‘take half his stuff’ thing was just a joke.
I am not sure how to move on from this as it still really botheres me. Please tell me what your stance is on this and if it really is that common for women to focus on money. How would you proceed in this situation?
TLDR: Fiancee admits that she would have not agreed to marry me if I was poor. After confronting her, she claims that this is a normal thing to do and is just looking out for her and her family.
40 comments
She may like and doesn’t mind bring with you, but she cares about your money more than about you as person.
Should you ever suffer a crisis in your life she will abandon you. After all she nerds time and money to support someone that does matter to her regardless of other factors. Her father I mean.
You deseve better than her. I am sorry, but I do not believe you should stay with her.
I was to give her the benefit of the doubt until she said that she would not marry you if you both earned the same amount. That’s a major red flag. It’s one thing to say that you wouldn’t want to commit to someone who couldn’t handle money or did not have a stable job, it’s completely another thing to say that that they only said yea because you earn more than them.
Sounds like the vow she is looking to accept is “ for better and for better only”, not the “ for better and for worse”
Choose your SO carefully because your life depends on it. It does sound like she is a gold digger, but at least she is honest about it.
Do what you will with that.
You will never be able to let this go.
Nor should you, IMO. Dude, you’re the one who’s got the stability. So imo, dump her ass and keep your finances to yourself until your next partner says she’ll marry you.
No I had this last year. Ran into this girl…the chemistry was incredible. We worked well on so many levels, but she didn’t want to like close some gaps and after months it came out she wasn’t sure my earning potential would ever be “where she needs it to be to let her be an artist” and I realized like no I’m not materialistic and I’m the kinda person who like I want a partner, not excellent life furniture, and I want nothing to do with people looking to date life furniture.
yea she doubled down on it after she sobered up, so thats how she really feels. she is free to make that choice, just as you are free to drop her and find someone who really likes you for you (and not just your money).
Sounds like she loves your money and only tolerates you. I personally couldn’t stay with someone who didn’t actually love me for me and only love what I can provide.
She seems like a great person with conditions. You lose your job or she has to go back to work then what?
It wasn’t just a joke man.
The drunk girl says what the sober girl thinks.
She’s a golddigger. I wouldn’t marry one even with a prenup. Worst part is she thinks it’s ok because some men exclusively go for women with the best looks.
If you want your relationship to be entirely transactional go ahead and stay with her. If you want a partner that cares about you more than they care about your wallet I’d move on.
Both genders lie.
Woman: I’d still love you if you were broke!
Men: I’d still love you if you weren’t pretty!
I’ve always believed there’s a lot of truth to “jokes.”
Thankfully you already have a prenup. You also don’t have to go through with the wedding.
Every day there’s some post from a lady supporting her video game addict hobosexual boyfriend. Or choosing to procreate with rage filled cheating alcoholics. Standards aren’t a bad thing.
Is she saying she wouldn’t date you if you were broke (a sensible decision)? Or that she wouldn’t have dated you if you made less than 6 figures? Or 7 figures?
Your girlfriend is taking care of her father with cancer. If there ever was a good reason to take a break from work, that’s a great one.
If you think she’s taken advantage of your generosity, it’s okay to pull the plug but saying that you don’t want to risk homelessness by not being discerning about who you mate with isn’t a red flag.
Maybe financial stability is important to her, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. What if it was about your looks or whether you’re athletic? What is the difference between these. Everyone has things they want in their marriage. I wouldn’t put to much on this as she has treated you well.
You asked her out when she had no idea about your money. And she still agreed. She also agreed to have a prenup,so she won’t take half of everything you have. Hardly a gold digger to me.
I guess she tells the truth: she loves you,but financial situation is important. You mentioned that she has a teaching degree. I have no idea where exactly you are,but I fail to find a country where being a teacher doesn’t mean to be poor or almost poor. So I get that “same amount” part as well. Two poor people it’s kinda not ideal situation. And what if she will get pregnant? There will be only one small salary, for a family of 3. So I get it. What I don’t get it’s how an adult person willingly chooses to be a dependent. What she will do now, when you will stop giving her money after your break up? Divorce still exists, drunk drivers or just texting idiots are on the road, and who knows what will happen tomorrow? Kinda brave move (or stupid) to replay 100% on other persons wishes.
But this all doesn’t mean that you should marry her or whatever. If you feel like your moral compass says “no it’s wrong” – well, break up. But,to be honest, I won’t marry a person who says “money mean nothing to me, dear”. To say so one needs to be or a liar or a totally immature person.
Man you are so lucky you didn’t marry her yet. There are so many rich guys who have gotten cleaned out during the splitting of assets who would love to be in your situation! Break off the engagement immediately, and move on. You’re only 28! Don’t be a fool
The real question she needs to answer sober is “would you divorce me if I lost my wealth”? Her having an initial attraction for your financial success is completely normal. The core of her point is something that is NOT nice to say but obviously TRUE in so many relationships. We all have both deep and shallow reasons to spark and grow a relationship. Think about what if your fiancée was ugly, you would have never sparked a relationship as perfect as she may be on the inside. You can tell her that and there should be no problem. However, if you tell her “if you get ugly then I’ll divorce you” that is a different story, that means that your continued love depends on her staying beautiful (which is much less likely than you staying rich btw). So anyways, ask her if she would STAY with you if you lost your wealth. That may give you more fair information.
This would be a big “who cares?” for me. What you earn is part of who you are, and we’re all entitled to seek whatever attributes we want in a partner. Wanting a partner who is financially secure (or even financially well-off) is not an unreasonable requirement to have in a marriage partner.
Woah….
Just break this down to yourself: if you were to lose your job and have to depend on her for some time before you find a reasonably similar job would she stay???
She flat out told you no she wouldn’t….
Does your relationship seem secure to you?
I feel bad for you OP. Tbh, I don’t see you not wondering about this conversation any time you have an issue with this woman in the future. She created a reason for you to doubt her. On it’s face, there’s nothing wrong with dating/marrying someone who is financially stable, but that can’t be the main reason you’re with a person. She told you already if you weren’t well off she wouldn’t be with you. This means she finds nothing else about you that holds value to her other than you money. Yikes and run!
Prenups do not hold.up after a certain number of years of marriage and if you have kids she can get soooo much money in child support. She is NEVER going back to work. She has found the perfect sugar daddy to take care of her. You talk about all you do for her extensively and barely mention what she does for you. HUGE red flag. She is in it for the money and if you are smart you will make this a VERY VERY long engagement like a permanent one or else see the writing on the wall and break up with her.
It’s a prenup until she has your child then you might as well shred that paper. Kids are the workaround.
You are her safety net. And her comments doesn’t help her. There are so many red flags. I don’t know how you will continue a relationship whit a parasite like her.
There’s plenty of highly motivated women who want the same caliber of man. They won’t just quit and freeload off of you.
Why settle for someone who wants to retire at 30 with your money?
After you marry her, things will progressively get worse
Limited sex and she’ll let herself go
This just feels gross. Her values are pretty shoddy. I wonder if she likes you for you or just you for your money. Seems like it’s the money.
Meh I think you might be reading a little too much into this.
When picking a partner, I now prioritize stability. I have broken up with partners in the past because I found myself picking up the tab, missing things because he was too broke to go out, etc.
Although it is a sad reality, finances is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. I think it’s always important to consider if your partner is financially stable. It just makes things… easier.
I mean, quite often people DO marry partners based on what each one can bring to the relationship. Like no one would think you’re a bad person to not want to be with someone that refuses to work. Same as if someone doesn’t want to be with someone who has a financially risky job like investing or gambling, etc. It doesn’t sound like she chose you initially because she knew you made a bunch of money, she was attracted to you for you, and she sees you as being a stable guy making a good salary that can support a family. That’s what she wants from a marriage. If what you want from a marriage is to have two career oriented partners handling everything 50/50 that would also be fine and she wouldn’t be the one for you.
Love is the main reason to be with someone, but you also need to tick each other’s boxes to have a successful marriage. I’m currently supporting my husband financially while he can’t work, and I know once he can, he’ll be working again. I’m fine with that, I love him and we’ll struggle but we’ll get through it. We’re on the same page about all that. If he’d said his goal was to be a stay at home husband/dad and not have a career, I’d have not married him. My career doesn’t make enough money to raise a family on, that just wouldn’t work. Love would not make that possible. Also if he made a bunch of money and wanted me to quit my job, I wouldn’t want to do that. That’s not what I want for my life. Marry someone that fits what you want for your life. Obviously you want to love that person, but life compatibility is just as important or that love is going to turn into resentment eventually.
IDK man,
What happens if your company goes belly up? If her loyalty is solely transactional, then the marriage ends there? I wouldn’t really want a marriage where my partner leaves me the moment it’s inconvenient. I think it violates the entire purpose of why you’re getting together in the first place. It’s to support each-other, not for you to support her until the cheque bounces. Seems like a shitty foundation of a relationship and the basis of trust cannot be built off of this notion. she should know that her perspective on this does absolutely nothing for you, only does everything for her. What do you get that you cannot get elsewhere? Loyalty? – No. Basic functions of a relationship? – sure. Is that all you want? Clearly no. It bothers you.
I don’t really think you can “talk it” into her either, Because you have no way of confirming the sincerity of her agreeing. Since ultimately it could be just to gain security for longer (and then maybe she will try to take half your shit). so unfortunately if it were me I’d probably leave right there. Things have been good for 4 years because you’ve made them good, at some point they will be bad, is she going to stick around then? If the answer is no then there’s no point dragging this on with her.
I’d tell her to get back to work and have an incredibly tight prenup if you still want to marry her.
But seriously think….if you lost your job tomorrow or became disabled to where you couldn’t work, would she stay?
I suggest you adopt her standards, apply them to her, and do the obvious result. Clearly, and by her own rules, she lacks the requisite income to be spouse material.
She already admitted her motives are to get her hooks into your assets and take you for all you’re worth if you object. There is still time to prevent this from being your fate.
Bet you wouldn’t have marry her if she was ugly, we are all shallow for something and have different priorities, you just have to see that it’s different perspective, she still loves you, get over it
*”she claims that there is nothing wrong with a woman choosing a man based on his salary”*
There’s nothing wrong with a woman choosing a man based on salary but there is also nothing that says that you have to be okay with a woman choosing *you* based on what you make.
I suspect that the issue isn’t that she just thought about your financial standing in accepting your proposal BUT that manipulative and dishonesty that she displayed.
>She has a teaching degree but stopped working about a year ago to focus on taking care of her dad who has cancer. She was hinting at quitting for a while so I offered to carry her expenses.
She manipulated you into being her sugar daddy. She wasn’t honest with you. She has no intention of ever going back to work. Communication is important to every relationship. She didn’t discuss with you, hinting is shady.
>I assumed that she would go back to work sometime after that.
She has no intention of ever going back, but she isn’t honest enough to tell you this outright.
>Fiancée: “Exactly, just find a reason to stay at home for a while and never get back to work. And when he has a problem with it, just take half his stuff. ”
This is her goal, her end point. She is telling you what you are signing up for. If you don’t want this, then think super carefully.
>Also, she claims that there is nothing wrong with a woman choosing a man based on his salary, as she is only looking out for herself and her future children.
Understand she isn’t someone you can have a healthy partnership with. Ask yourself, if the worse happens and you get sick, do you trust her now to be there for you? If you were vulnerable and in need, do you trust her to have your back no matter what? Or do you trust her as long as it’s financially advantageous to her?
>The fact that her loyalty to me is based on the advantages of dating me rather than me as a person and partner makes me rethink if the is the one I should marry.
Think really carefully. If you do decide to marry her, make sure that your attorney has everything sewn up securely, so no matter what, she can not take half. A prenuptial alone is not sufficient. Consider both a trust and a prenup to make it bulletproof.
>She has already agreed to a prenup months ago so I do think that the ‘take half his stuff’ thing was just a joke.
It wasn’t a joke. Understand that it’s easy to get around a prenup. If you have a good attorney and you can nullify it, then she can get around it. If she goes to the office with you one day and help you read a contract, she can use that to say she materially participated.
Also, she hasn’t signed the agreement yet.
>Please tell me what your stance is on this and if it really is that common for women to focus on money. How would you proceed in this situation?
Some women will tell you women focus on money, and some won’t. I fall into the latter. I’ve had an extremely luxurious life that was hell, and I’ve been broke as a church mouse with my husband. I would rather be poor with my husband than rich with anyone else.
It doesn’t matter what others think. It only matters what YOU think. Can you marry her knowing that your bank account is a draw or will you never 100% be able to trust her?
>I am not sure how to move on from this as it still really botheres me.
If you have the wedding planned, postpone it indefinitely. Take your time to think about it seriously. Do not walk into marriage with doubts. It’s not fair to yourself or her.
Would you date your fiancé if she was ugly? What if she was fat? Would you have been attracted to her or even consider her an option for dating?
I don’t understand why women get so much hate for saying financial security is important. It’s a far less superficial characteristic than beauty. Money is a necessity to live, to raise children, etc. Beauty is worthless.
Would you have married her if she was overweight?
This is honestly pretty heartbreaking to read. It’s one thing to appreciate a partners financial security and an entirely different thing to say you wouldn’t marry them if they weren’t wealthy. She was drunk and let her guard down. The truth came out.
Personally, I’d put off marrying her and think about the sort of wife you truly want.
Would you have married her if she were ugly and fat?
Let me tell a story.
My parents married young right out of college. They moved to a big city and had to live with my dads cousin in a bad part of town because they were broke working jobs they hated to get by. After a little while my dad made it big and they bought a big house nice cars and had kids. Life was good, we went on vacations around the world, got lots of presents for birthdays and Christmas and my parents went out all the time. And my mom never had to work.
After a while my dad stopped making as much money, times got tough and my mom had to get a job and stop living the lavish lifestyle that she was accustom too. But to her that was no big deal she loves her family and this was just what she had to do and she did it with a smile. She started using the money she made to take my dad out (even though they couldn’t go to the expensive places they used to) and buy him small gifts which always made his day.
After a few years of tough times my dad started making good money again and got my mom to quit so they could move and spend more time together.
Moral of the story is that if your fiancée really loves you then she would be there for you when the times are tough and not just cut and run. What you need to ask yourself is will she be there for you if your company goes under or will she leave you at the first sign of trouble? She doesn’t seem like someone who will be there for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part, seem like she’ll only be there for the better and richer parts. She showed you her true colors now you have to make a choice.
Good luck mate
-Cheers
She could have rug swept the whole thing by apologizing and dismissing it a poorly thought out drunken joke. Instead, she justified her position when sober. I am surprised by her lack of contrition given what’s at stake here. You need to have more discussions better understand what you are getting into here.
The issue with this is.. nobody actually acts like this if they really love someone. I’ve met many people who have these mindsets of how they are going yo exploit relationships for personal gain, and they either work, or absolutely crumble when they meet someone they would do anything for. Sadly it just seems like you aren’t the guy she would change her values for, sorry.
No dude that’s gross though. She wouldn’t marry you if you made the same as she used to? She loves you but chose you for security? That’s a crap reason to marry someone. 🤬
Not for nothing, I met my husband when he was making peanuts…I didn’t give a crap how much he had or didn’t have, I was interested in HIM, not his wallet. About 4 years ago he landed an amazing job making close to 6 figures, and I was ECSTATIC for him. Not because I thought about the money aspect, but because he busted his butt to get there, and I knew it would alleviate some of the financial strains on us that stressed him out and made him feel like a less-than-adequate man and father. For the record I never thought of him as inadequate, and always appreciated how hard he worked for his family, I thanked him, I encouraged him, and I believed in him…but if he were to somehow lose this job and make half what he is now, I’d still be proud of him and would never consider leaving him. Again, I’m interested in HIM not his wallet. His ability to financially provide for our family was not a factor at all.
It’s understandable to expect your partner to work to contribute to taking care of the family of course, I’m not saying anyone wants to marry a lazy bum (and I’m genuinely talking about lazy bums, not people who are staying at home and taking care of the house/kids, can’t work for XYZ reason, etc), but damn, dude…I don’t know many/if any woman with good self esteem who’d stay with a man who literally only chose her cuz she’s hot, and not because he loved and liked her as a person. Most of us want to be loved for who we are. Yes we want our partner to think we’re beautiful, but at the end of the day, I think finding us as a person beautiful is more important than physical…but maybe this is just the rambling of a random chick on Reddit.
I think your fiancé is immature and has some very selfish viewpoints on love and relationships, but it’s up to you whether or not you find that to be a dealbreaker.