TL;DR – Younger brother whom I supported for many years disrespected me after gaining success and still invites me to his graduation, should I go?
My (31M) brother (26M) and I have immigrated to US many years back. I helped my brother when he was really low in studies and career in general. I guided him and helped him through every step to get clarity on his career path leading to him graduating with masters soon. He also have received a job offer which he will be starting in couple months.
Until he got success, he used to be close to me, respect me and also open with me about things going on in his life. Now, after the success, I’ve realized he suddenly has started to act very aloof and I’m sensing he hides things from me. I once caught him off guard with a lie (he said he can’t visit me since he is busy with coursework and then planned to visit a friend for > 5 days). When confronted, he disrespected me and said a few mean things. He was never this way until recently when he got success. I went through a difficult life incident few months back and he wasn’t there for that too. All I wanted was for him to be honest with me and not disrespect me.
I finally told him that probably now he doesn’t need me, now that he got every success, he doesn’t have the same respect for me, to which he said he doesn’t care what I think. Never apologized after that.
Now after 2 weeks passed, he is asking if I’ll be visiting for his graduation which is next week, that too on a text, didn’t bother to call. Although I do want to visit from bottom of my heart, I’m truly feeling disrespected and due to that I’m thinking of not going and letting him learn a lesson of what happens when there is no support. He hasn’t even apologized, but I’m feeling guilty. Am I doing the right thing?
33 comments
I think there’s a severe communication gap here. It is possible that what you read as him acting aloof was merely him prioritising time with his friends.
You say you helped him get settled into a new country but ask yourself this: was it so he could repay that love and kindness to only spend all his time with you and notifying you of his whereabouts all the time? Because the tone seems to suggest like you were expecting him to continue making you his only source of socialization.
When he became familiarised with his routine here in the new place, he chose to depend on you less and it is possible that you might have read it as an act of distancing himself from you.
I don’t think you are in the wrong here and I don’t know how your brother reacted when you confronted him. Maybe he really was cruel and maybe you confronted him in a way that made things worse instead of opening a dialogue for airing mutual grievances.
Either way, you are well within your rights to not go if you don’t want to.
But you are already feeling guilty, so why not have another conversation with him. This time without starting with an accusation and more like telling him how hurt you have been feeling.
I think your brother loves and respects you a lot because otherwise he wouldn’t have asked you to come.
Maybe he has realised that you two don’t share the same opinions and instead of arguing with you about it, he chose to quietly pull away or maybe it is something entirely different… Either way, the only way to resolution and a stronger, healthier relationship is through communication.
So talk *and* listen and hopefully he will do the same.
Good luck!
Tell him No. Remind him that he said he doesn’t care what you think, and that going forward you will carry yourself with that understanding. That means, not wasting time at the graduation.
You have to stand up for yourself. Instances where its hard to do so are also usually the instances where you have to do it the most.
He is a grown man. You are allowed to watch out for yourself, and not let yourself get disrespected. You are doing the right thing.
While respect is important in a relationship, this just sounds like he had other relationships he prioritised. It’s clear you did a lot for him and you care about him deeply, but it’s also clear that he wants a bit of space from that. It’s likely he didn’t want to have to rely on you so much. A graduation is a once in a lifetime event, and given how important his education is to both of you, he’s clearly using this as an olive branch. You don’t have to take it, but you’re right that this will be a show of no support, and he likely won’t forget that.
I could be wrong but it appears you feel like more of a parent to your brother than a sibling and you expect he will give you the deference of a parent. This seems quite unfair. Your help was most likely appreciated but you are not his parent. You are his sibling. I don’t condone lying but have you considered that you are putting pressure on him. How would you have reacted if he had said to you that he couldn’t visit with you and instead was going to spend time with a friend? Would you have accepted it or would you have had a negative reaction. You do not say what the negative things your brother said were. Is it because they are untrue or hit close to home. I understand you wish he had called to invite you to the graduation so you could talk. I suspect he was trying to avoid that talk. It is up to you if you will go but he did invite you because he wants you there. Do you want to be there?
At the end of the day, he’s your brother and you clearly love him. I understand you want to show him how hurtful it is when someone doesn’t support you. However he likely won’t see it that way, he will probably think that he tried to make up with you and you are being too stubborn and prideful. I think if you don’t come to his graduation, you could be irreparable damage to your relationship.
I also think that if you feel taken advantage of, you should voice that to him and have a real conversation about it. It is important to stand up for yourself but is this the right time and place to make a point? And is this the best way to do it? What do you think his reaction will be? Are you imagining him going “oh wow! this must be how my brother felt when I wasn’t there to support him! I understand completely and I will definitely be a better brother from now on!” If so, let me tell you that is NOT going to be the case. He’s more likely to think “Well I tried to be friendly and have things go back to the way things were, but he doesn’t care enough to even come to my graduation. All this over something so small? Fine, be that way, I don’t want to talk to him either.” And that would exacerbate and prolong the fight. So my question to you is: what is your goal here? To make him feel unsupported, and get revenge, and then never talk to him again? Or do you want to feel like he respects you again? I promise you that skipping his graduation out of spite will not lead to that. A calm, non-accusatory conversation is probably the best path to fixing things with him so that you both feel respected again.
Is your brother the type to not be very good with his words? In my family we don’t always voice how much we care about each other, and we can get angry easily. We know this about each other though so we also forgive easily. You are the one who knows your brother best here. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and put aside your differences for now, go to his graduation and tell him you love him and you’re proud of him. Then afterwards (or before, just not at the graduation ceremony) talk to him about feeling taken advantage of and disrespected. That’s what I think! But you know him the best – if you really think that your brother just doesn’t care about you anymore and doesn’t want you around, well I guess my question is why would he invite you? But if you really think so then of course you have no obligation to go! Either way, take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
There is a quote that has been going around for a few years that goes like this:
“Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”
and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”
and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.”
I think you should reflect on whether this applies to you. Perhaps, long ago when you immigrated you had to step up and be the adult and he was still a child. Now, you are both adults – can you handle that change in roles?
At the same time, perhaps you have missed out on opportunities while you were supporting him. Now, instead of focussing on him, you can focus on your own opportunities for a while. Over time he will come to appreciate the help you have given- but only if you give him the space to be his own person and stop trying to be his parent instead of his brother.
Go to the graduation. Reconnect. Don’t expect an apology. Let it go. Be proud of him. Can you be happy for him? Sounds like he just needed some space to do his own thing. Normal part of growing up and venturing out into the world. Don’t hold him back or make him feel guilty. Let him enjoy his success in his graduation day.
Yes…if youwant to stay away…then stay away…and do mnot feel bad…
Be the bigger brother dude, don’t let your ego take your relationship away. You haven’t said what has been your time of need, depending on what it was it changes things, but as far as what you’ve said in here, they are minor stuff that has made you feel hurt. But they aren’t that big. You’re feeling it bigger than it might be, don’t let it draw a line in your relationship.
After the graduation give him a couple of days, and talk to him face to face how you’ve been feeling hurt by his distance and what you think seem lack of care for you.
Cheers.
Please go. Regardless of what happened, he wants you there. You can always work things out but he only has 1 graduation. Never do things out of spite.
Marriage, Graduation, ChildBirth are landmark events that might not repeat again. And as they say, don’t make any decision out of anger or just to “teach-them-a-lesson”. I suggest you go and be there for him. As an aside, your brother might be being more independent and growing into a person of his own, and while the idea of him no longer being that younger brother who always looked up to you and obeyed what you said might be upsetting to you, I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to expect his unconditional obedience anymore. For instance, you should no longer expect him to drop everything and come visit you when you ask of him. And while you can certainly suggest occasional visits, there is no reason to be upset if he doesn’t make it. In the end, even if he decides to drift apart from you, sadly, there is nothing you can do about it. Such is life.
You should go and support him. This is a once in a lifetime event, not a Saturday BBQ. Do not use this as a time to vent your displeasure by trying to hurt him. If you feel hurt, talk to him about it, like a grown up, with your words. Don’t do passive aggressive shit like refusing to attend. Be sure to tell him you’re proud of him.
You always need to take the higher road.
If you want no future relationship for your own mental health – cut him off.
But if you actually want an ongoing relationship you need to understand that people (especially young people) will always make choices we don’t anyways agree with. While it might disappoint you, that’s how they learn to be adults.
If you want to remain in their lives you need to be a safe space and willing to welcome them home even when they have messed up. No one wants to go to someone they know is angry or is judging them.
It sounds like your brother is still growing up. Rather than getting angry that he lied, look at why he lied. Why didn’t he feel safe to say “hey brother I love you and like spending time with you, but this week I am going to visit my friends”? Sounds like he knew if he spoke like that, you wouldn’t approve so he took the easy way out by lying. Not good, but it potentially indicates a bigger issue within your relationship of him not being able to be honest with you.
Of corse you should go. Life is too short and precious to be getting hung up on this perceived “disrespect.”
Your younger brother is trying to differentiate from you in your role as parent. It’s natural process that young people begin to block their parents from aspects of their lives as they begin to forge their own way into life. Many fights occur in families as sons pull away from their fathers (& daughters from their mothers), and, in the struggle to change roles from child to adult dynamics fathers feel their sons are disrespecting them. Tangled in this process for you are his brother, not his father; but in the role you played you are his father.
As brothers, did you two never really fight about anything? I mean really fight and argue? Now is time for you to sort out your feelings and get back to being brothers. It will take time to untangle the feelings.
never cave for someone that you truly felt disrespected you. Set a boundary, stand firm on your boundary that was violated.
I’ve read over the comments and you’re clearly not listening to any of the advice that you don’t want to hear.
He’s growing up. He doesn’t owe you his time just because you gave him yours. He’s growing up and making his own friends and creating his own life. You need to understand that he is an equal to you now, not someone that you can boss around, and he doesn’t owe you anything.
You’re messing up the relationship and missing his graduation is going to cement that. You can’t get that moment back once you miss it.
What’s sounds weird is the visit a friend thing. Why did he need to lie? Ok he was originally coming back to visit with you but a friend invited him so he changed his plans to have fun. So I don’t see the big deal. I am an old school kind of guy and an immigrant as well so I understand respecting family and elder siblings logic. But maybe you are also a little controlling which made him lie about the friend and that might caused or helped in causing a rift. I say attend it and see what happens. He texted you but didn’t call. This a generation thing. What you see as disrespectful they see it as normal. So relax a little.
Yes. You should go. Life is short, you’re young. Go, bury the hatchet and talk to him about it.
I think it is very unlikely you will be glad, 10 years from now, that you bore a grudge over a comment you didn’t like.
He probably lied to you about his availability because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Or maybe it’s not a lie at all: he could afford to take SOME time off, but had already committed to spent it with his friend, and thus it was true that he couldn’t visit you because of coursework.
It also seems very thin skinned to be so upset about the fact that he didn’t want to tell you about his vacation plans. You don’t tell us what he said that was so disrespectful and so I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t that bad at all, and that your reaction is coming from hurt feelings that you’re not the #1 priority in his life.
You sound exhausting to be around and I feel like we aren’t getting the full story from you.
Maybe he’s distancing himself from a toxic relative?
Your brother has every right to not tell you things about his life.
Yes, you should go to his graduation.
You should also start treating him like an adult. He obviously is one. You don’t have a right to information about him just because you want it.
Don’t go. You did all you did. Yet disrespected you. You carried him when your parents weren’t able to come with you guys. Your brother is shallow. Has no compassion. He used you.
I rather suggest to call your parents or an older relative what the he’ll is going on. This will make sure your brother can’t lie easily.
A lot of people have made some very good comments, and I could reiterate them, but I don’t see the need.
I think you need to take a step back from how you are feeling now and think about how you want this relationship to be in 10 years.
If you want it to be a broken relationship where you guys play silly games of miscommunication, then don’t go.
If you want to have a healthy relationship where you are a big part of each other’s lives, then go.
Your brother is experiencing a grown up life for the first time. He is learning what that means, balancing his independence with being part of his family. Learning what it means to be the child of the family, yet be an adult. This is a learning for you just as it is for him. You are dealing with cross generational, cross cultural issues as well.
Be the older brother who shows him that he loves him and is proud of him, and go to his graduation. Eventually he will come out of this phase of learning who he is, and you can establish a new type of relationship with him as an equal.
You told him how what you assume he feels, instead of asking him. I believe you love your brother and it sounds like you miss him, but it sounds like you are being unreasonable and creating conflict here. You are upset you feel like you aren’t included in his life and then when he invites you to his graduation and includes you in his life you say no. That’s on you.
I think it’s telling that OP opens up to his brother to which his brother tells him *he doesn’t care what OP thinks.* Thing is if that’s the case, why bother reciprocating?
OP – I don’t think you need to visit him when he graduates. Why should you when he clearly doesn’t care what you think? Ask him that – would it matter if you visit him considering he doesn’t care what you think (or for that matter *do?)*
The question you have to ask yourself is this: *would he support you if you ask him for it? If you were to hit a milestone – marriage, birth of a child, moving to a bigger house, etc – do you think he would be there for you?*
If the answer is no – then you have your answer – don’t go.
YES, go & be the bigger person, you don’t even have to engage with him, just do the right thing, support his accomplishment & maybe he’ll come around to reality one day, if you you chose the high road & can use that moment as a stepping stone to becoming an ever better person in the future!!
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Cheers to Life, Love & NO Drama!!………
From all your replies I’ve gathered that you are the problem here. Your a childish individual that helped your brother so you could make yourself feel big and important. You need to take a step back and think about what you’re doing.
I think something might be missing from the story.
I get the feeling you’re not adjusting well to him now going out and discovering the world.
You want him to initiate conversion. Him to call instead of text. Him to fly to see you.
You’re obviously older so you somewhat had to grow up faster and start working long before him. It’s now his time to do same, you’re looking on him with the eyes of a parent when it should be the eyes of a sibling.
When he texted to invite you why didn’t YOU call instead of saying he texted and not call?
Why aren’t you guys communicating properly?
Allow him to go and grow, he’ll never forget that you’re the reason for his success, and I hope you’re not constantly reminding him, He’s not leaving you, he’s simply trying to find his footing in the world.
Y’all need to fix the communication issue between you both and show each other some grace.
Also, now that he’s no longer your responsibility, go do something that you’ve always wanted to do, you deserve it.
Family is supposed to be about support and going to his graduation like helping with when he was younger are both supportive. He might even feel a but wronged if you choose not to go considering your help with studies.
Up to you but I say go, family is always family
Sounds like the door is open and is waiting on your decition. Will you regret not going? Even if it Ed’s badly?
Being kind to someone doesn’t always make them a better person. In fact, it can make them self-centrered and thoughtless. I would still go to the graduation, but with a lower opinion of whom I’m seeing, realising that their personality (for the time being) has turned out to be disappointing.
This is a bit tough since, I had something with my sister where when she got married and wanted me to be in the bridal party, I heard it from my mom. She didn’t come to me and ask me directly to be in the party. It bugged me a lot since, why couldn’t we have gone out to eat and she asked me and such?
I really think though ever since this time of her getting married, our entire family dynamic changed for the better. It was rough since she was no longer “just” my little sister. She’s a woman who has a husband, a home, and a career now. I don’t see her like we used to. It took a lot of growing up on my end, communicating, and just realizing kind of where we both were coming from. I think she found out through one of our last major talks a few months back where I really need her to be a bit more “in” my life instead of just the sibling that you see or don’t hear from every few months. We found a system that works. I give her space, but reach out every few days or week or so with a fun meme or making plans to meet up in a week or so.
I do agree with the others about maybe it’s time to look at your expectations to see if maybe you need to see about if this is more about being “big bro” and ready to swoop in as the authoritative/older/wiser person of the two, or if this is more about maybe you two need to sit down and just communicate about your relationship. If bro gets married, moves away, or starts a family, his time will also change. So it’s just time to have that real adult conversation. It’ll most likely be tough, and emotional, but it’ll be a good one that way you both going forward will be able to grow.