My husband (M32) and I (F30) have lived together for 5 years and we got married a few months ago.
So here are a few things for context before getting into the story:
1. My father is wealthy. He is not super super rich, but money is definitely not a worry for him. He is very generous with people around him (for instance, he paid for one of my cousin’s college and he sponsors several children on a foster house), but he has always made it clear that his money is his and not my sibling and I’s. If I asked him for money I’m sure he wouldn’t say no, but it’s not something I was taught to do.
2. Me and my husband are going through a rough year financially. He works as a freelancer and he hasn’t managed to land any well paid gigs. I am studying a PhD full time (for which I get minimal wage due to an award I won) and I also have two research jobs that give me some extra money. Right now I am earning 90% of our household income (will be important later). Two years ago I was working full time with a decently paid job, and my husband had a great year, which allowed us to save enough for us to be ok this year. We would obviously be better if I asked my dad for money, but we don’t really need it, we can afford rent and food, and still manage not to spend all our savings. I don’t hide our finances from my family so everyone knows it’s been a rough year, but they also know we are ok.
Now here is the story.
I was taking with my dad and he asked if I needed any financial support. I explained what our situation is right now and told him we are ok but I’ll let him know if we need something. I asked why he asked this to me, since he rarely offers money to my sibling and I in this way. Now here is the important part:
During my wedding a few months ago, my dad overheard a conversation between my FIL and his friend. They were saying that my husband was very anxious because he couldn’t afford to “give me a good life”, and he has been particularly worried since I quit my job and started studying. I know for a fact that my husband doesn’t think this, we are very open with our finances and he knows it’s not his sole responsibility to finance our household. Some years he earns more than me and others I earn more than him, it’s not a big deal for him.
My dad approached my FIL and said that he knew about our financial situation and he knew we were ok. My FIL said (quoting what my dad told me): “Well… [husband] has all the financial weight since OP decided to quit her job and go back to school. Also, they can’t rely on her, women can have an income to feel special but it’s not like she’ll ever have a men’s professional life”. My dad kept insisting that my student salary was still ok and pointed out that my salary has been higher for over half the time my husband and I have lived together. My FIL kept dismissing my work because “it’s just so she feels helpful, it’s not a real career”. I know they were trying to guilt my dad into giving us money, but the things they said are very hurtful.
A few years ago I overheard my FIL and this same friend of his saying that “what OP is doing with her PhD is very impressive but can you imagine how hard it would be for a guy with a real career to do this? She can study whatever she likes and enjoy her hobby, but if it was a man it would be so hard”, so I 100% believe what my father told me.
I’m meeting with my in laws next week and I want to say something but I’m not sure what to say. How can I confront him? Is it worthy or should I just continue with my life and ignore his sexist thoughts because there is no point?
Tldr: my FIL said my career is not the same as a man’s and I don’t know how to confront him.
Edit to add:
1. I think my FIL’s goals was to guilt my dad into giving us money. He used a very sexist argument to achieve his goal.
2. While it’s been a hard year financially, we are in no way struggling to pay rent or make ends meet. The fact that my dad doesn’t give me money doesn’t make him a bad dad, especially since WE DON’T NEED IT.
49 comments
Your husband should handle his family. There’s nothing you can say to him that will change his thinking because you’re “Just” a woman in his eyes.
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If your dad wasn’t able to make him listen, he will also not listen to you.
On one hand you can confront him however is that the best course or just live life fully as he will believe whatever he wishes. In the long run you could win the Skirmish but lose the war and create family strife.
I’m assuming this FIL is old.
Old dogs won’t learn new tricks. If it don’t apply let it fly. The men of your generation and the one’s that coffee after certainly don’t feel that way.
>I’m meeting with my in laws next week and I want to say something but I’m not sure what to say. How can I confront him? Is it worthy or should I just continue with my life and ignore his sexist thoughts because there is no point?
You should not confront him. Your husband should handle this. Ideally by pointing out that you’re supporting the household.
I wouldn’t confront him. It’s not like he will change his mind,
Just focus on your husband and your studies and have a VERY successful career, that you can subtly flaunt to your FIL for the next 30-40 years when you are making so much more than he ever has.
*”The best revenge is to live well”*
If it’s a sexist FIL you’re dealing with, you need to get your husband to handle this, as much as it may irk you as a capable adult woman. He will be the only voice that will get through.
In my experience, you can be the most calm person with a super eloquent response, and they just won’t hear you.
My FIL knows I’m a feminist and he uses it as a reason to dismiss and ignore me. He will literally ask me a question and then ask my husband the SAME question again to confirm, because a woman’s opinion is garbage.
Good luck, I hope your husband goes in to bat for you.
Confronting him won’t change his mind and I highly doubt that it’ll make you feel better. Talk to your husband so that he’s aware of the situation but I’d let it go. If your FIL persists with this then you can have a united front with your husband but otherwise ignore him and his sexiest remarks.
Say nothing. People like this cling to their hateful comments because it feels good to them. They love that sad, empty little sense of superiority it gives them.
The person who should be saying something, if anything, is your husband, because he should be the referee for his family.
Also, your families need to go on an information diet. They should not be getting this much detailed information about your financial life. Let me rephrase that. If you don’t want them giving their opinions on your financial life, then stop giving them so much information about it. It’s like dogs with a bone, everyone wants to give their two cents because you’ve given them so much juicy gossip to chew over.
What does this even mean? How would it be different if you were a man? Everyone makes money from working and everyone has to pay the bills sooo… I don’t get his point at all
>I know for a fact that my husband doesn’t think this
Ehhhh…
I doubt someone made that up from whole cloth. Maybe he said something different and they misinterpreted it. But it isn’t hard to see how a guy married to a woman who grew up rich would be a little insecure if he himself does not make much money.
>I’m meeting with my in laws next week and I want to say something
What would be the point?
> How can I confront him?
Don’t.
You know whose opinion and thoughts on this situation are missing from your post? Your husband’s. What was his reaction to all of this? What does he think you should do about it?
Your FIL is a sexist asshole. Ok. So what? Unless you’re worried your husband feels the same way or your FIL treats you poorly when you two are around each other, this literally does not affect your life at all. As long as you and your husband are on the same page about finances and career choices, who gives a shit what this guy thinks?
My FIL is a sexist POS, too. But, my spouse handles him. I can also say, over time, I think I’ve impressed him with the things I’ve achieved.
What is your husband doing about this since this is HIS dad and therefore HIS responsibility?
Your HUSBAND should confront his father, not you.
I’ve found that people who say that working on a PhD is a “hobby” don’t know wtf they are talking sbout
Your only option is to prove him wrong.
I would not confront him out of the blue, but I would push back every single time he says or assumes something sexist about you and your job, relationship, household, etc.
I’d make him feel like a real dinosaur about it, too. “Maybe that was true back in your day!” And “times have changed in the last thirty years,” etc.
Talk to your husband. Let him address it in his family.
I’d be interested to know if OP is in the US or not. I had issues with my first FIL. He was a manager and had a woman not come back from maternity leave (mind you, it was back in the 70’s) so he always was a little shaky about me being a working mom (working mom for close to 40 yrs).
As everyone says, live your best life and have your Dad just say he feels you and your husband have it all under control. I was blessed to have a dad who supported my sister and I in having a good education and a career. He was pretty progressive for someone born in 1926!
>Is it worthy or should I just continue with my life and ignore his sexist thoughts because there is no point?
Yes, let your husband handle it if he so fits. Do not pay them no mind, your FIL is not going to change his views just because you confronted him
Don’t you dare add fire to that flame!! Nothing you say to your FIL will help and any little thing you say will hurt. Stand down OP. You can’t and won’t win. However he feels, that’s on him. You, your husband, and your dad know better. Don’t take the stupid to a person who can oot-stupid you.
Your FIL sounds sexist
confronting him will only make things worse
Speak to your husband. Tell him about what your father told him. And tell him you’ll be skipping family time with the inlaws for the near future because of it
The old adage “Do not argue with the stupid, they will bring you down to their level & beat you with experience” has never been more true here.
Do not confront your FIL, if anything it’s more likely to make a misogynist double down.
Look up the grey rock technique instead, and let your partner deal with him.
It sounds like he’s trying to pass his generational trauma down to his son. Implying that his son should be more worried about your situations. I would brush his comments off as ‘old generational talk’ that doesn’t apply to your life. You and your husband seem to be working well through the financial hardships you willingly entered this year. Wishing you both luck in your future!
You and your husband need to talk with your dad. Let your dad tell your husband the conversation. This will avoid the “That’s not what I said” when your husband speaks with his dad.
Don’t waste your time and energy. It would be like beating your head against a wall. Whatever FIL thinks and says is in his DNA. Be glad your hubby didn’t inherit his genes.
Now you know to file everything that comes out of his mouth under the “irrelevant to my life choices and emotional state” file folder in your brain
Just ignore him. Let me ask you this, what are his comments actually going to change? Nothing. You’re still making your own money, you’re still a PhD student, your relationship is healthy, and you’re financially secure. His comments do nothing to alter that. Let him think what he wants and your results will speak for themselves.
I would just ignore, this guy is totally out of touch and it is unlikely he will snap into reality
This man already views you as less because you are a woman. Your husband would be the better communicator of this message. Congratulations on your award and all the efforts you’re putting into your “little hobby”.
Another thing to consider – may not be true – BUT it’s something to investigate.
See if your husband knows his dad and tells him things. Maybe he just vents the quiet part that he doesn’t REALLY believe or maybe it’s a small part that he does believe because of upbringing and can only talk to his dad about it because that’s where he got it from and understands.
It’s worth a conversation
You said that you “know for a fact” that your husband didn’t mention being anxious to his father, but did you ask your husband at all? I know that you say you discuss things a lot, but sometimes there are thoughts people don’t express.
It would also be worth mentioning all of this to your husband and having him handle it. It’s his family, he should be the one to set them straight.
If a person says doing a PhD is a hobby, they are thick as fuck. Don’t expend your breath on this, just stop giving him info about your life. And maybe withhold respect to that person.
Just ignore it, who cares about what they think they’ll be dead before you lol just keep doing your thing
He’s a loser but unfortunately not worth the energy for you to confront. It won’t be satisfying for you and there is nothing to be gained. Just be happy the apple fell FAR from the tree.
Your father meant to do the right thing, but he should not have told you what FIL was saying. What purpose does it serve??? You already knew FIL was sexist, and now you feel even more like shit about him.
Some things old people say we should just ignore, or smile and say sure gramps.
Different generations with ideas that cannot be changed by having a logical conversation.
What is your PhD in? I can’t think of a frivolous PhD that could even remotely qualify as a vanity project. Your FIL is a misogynistic fossil.
You’re going to come off as unable to control your emotions and ‘crazy’ if you bring this up. Your FIL isn’t going to see you as a professional, ever, and nothing will change that. He’s hardwired into that bullshit.
Just go on your merry way and make all the money. Ignore his sexist idiocy and enjoy your life.
Don’t confront him. He didn’t budge even when your father pointed out the facts. Any confrontation will be a waste of your breath. It doesn’t sound like your husband thinks the way his father does, and that’s really all that matters.
No every slight needs a response. Sometimes, it just informs you which people are better dealt with at arm’s length.
Good for you for managing your finances and enjoying the struggle. That delayed gratification will serve you well later in life. Clearly, your parents raised you well.
You’re dealing with baked in, burned on the pan, sexism there. Nothing you can say, or even your husband can say, will change anything about the way your FIL thinks. I think you and your husband need to keep your financial cards closer to yourselves. Your FIL doesn’t need a window into your life really, and definitely not if he’s going to be discussing your married life with his friends. Best to nip that information pipeline in the bud, because if he’s dumb enough to be sexist to your father…about you…he’s dumb enough to share information with randos that have no business being involved in your business.
Your father seems to be circumspect about it, so the pipeline to him could remain open…but your FIL is just using it to judge you. Fix that.
It’s not worth your time or energy to bother saying anything to FIL. He is not going to change his limited life view.
Leave him up to your husband.
And live well. That’s the best revenge!
First, make sure your husband also believes his father’s attitudes are sexist.
Then, if you aren’t planning on having children, you can probably safely ignore this and just have low to no contact with your FIL. When you have to interact with him, be polite, but not warm, and don’t be vulnerable. Treat him like someone at work who you’d never voluntarily interact with outside of work. Don’t invest in your relationship with him.
If you are planning on having children, this needs to be a discussion because your children shouldn’t be exposed to sexist attitudes.
But at the end of the day, it’s your husband’s family, not yours, so he should be on your side and advocate for you and call out his family. You shouldn’t have to be the one to tell your FIL that women are real people, or that you don’t need your father to subsidize your husband’s manhood. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Honestly, who cares? I’m a woman with a lucrative career so I can empathize with you on wanting to confront him, but what do you hope to accomplish? He’s allowed to have stupid opinions like the rest of us and he’s allowed to talk about them in private. We can’t demand people respect or like us. You can ask him to be more mindful of who he says those things to and that you find it demeaning and disrespectful, but you won’t get anywhere if you make it into a confrontation.
Your husband handles his family. Unless your father in law says it directly to you, you let your husband handle his asshole dad.
If husband won’t. You have husband problems
you’re just adding more headache to your life, confronting will not make this any better they wont stop taunting you, because there’s no way you can tell a elder that he’s wrong and you expect him to accept it. just wait for him to die. thats all you can do
I would say this is part of a generational perspective (for some, not all) and let him believe what he wants to. Just be glad you aren’t married to man like him. He may not respect your career or academic choices, but that is a reflection of him, not you. Or your husbands. I tried standing up for myself to my ex in-laws regarding my education and my abilities as a female, and not only did it fall on deaf ears, it gave them something to mock me for. Also, my then husband shared their beliefs, which is also why he is my ex. I would recommend being the bigger person here. Go on with your life, you have nothing to prove to them.
Honestly, it makes me wonder what your FIL’s financial situation is currently? He sounds like he is projecting his own insecurities. With a PhD you will likely make more than your husband, and I think it bugs your FIL.