I have long held a deep dislike for my father, who works abroad to help fund our education. He has done a lot for us, financially speaking, as our primary breadwinner. He works very hard, and has gone through a lot. I would not be able to make the same sacrifices for my children in his shoes. My siblings experience a lot of guilt about this — mine’s dampened a little by my dislike.
He is a very smart, efficient man, and expects his children to rise to the same level. He’s also somewhat prone to anger and condescending/not empathetic. My siblings are currently are either experiencing severe mental health issues which prohibit them from being “productive” or simply not getting good grades in high school and playing video games (I know, the latter’s a little ridiculous). My dad has not reacted with empathy. I would go as far as to say he is openly disgusted. This has not helped improve my siblings’ emotional states, predictably. He has gradually showed his reluctance to support us financially.
When he was back for a tumultuous winter break he insinuated that he did everything for us and, as ungrateful as we are, he could cut all of us out. He told my mom it’s her fault we turned out this way because she raised us. He then told us over family group chat that we’re on our own before leaving. My mom called him saying she needs more time to be independent and support us financially, to which he basically went “not my problem.” My mom and my older sibling (who makes a decent amount of money) scrambled to make a plan to support us together. And then several weeks later created my dad created a new group chat adding us all back in. He pretends the whole “I’m cutting you guys out” thing never happened.
There’s other things, like him forgetting his 25th anniversary. I also suspect he may have had an affair when I was in middle school, because one of my siblings found pictures on his phone of him playing tennis with a woman, and a selfie she took showing her legs and skirt. I remember when my mom accused him of it he called her delusional.
All this to say I think my dad’s a bit of a ****, and openly makes this known to the rest of my family. (When my siblings are despairing about how they’re failing him, I basically go “don’t mind him, he’s a [insert derogatory cuss word]”). I feel a little bad because I have the luxury to be this way because I meet his expectations the most, and so gets the least of his ire (I’m his favorite, and he compares my siblings to me, especially since I’ve also dealt with mental health issues and is comparatively more stable now. I think the jabs he makes about it are horrendous). It’s long been a source of contention with my mom, who’s usually horrified by the stuff I spew about him.
This weekend, though, she called me to ask if I meant it when I told her I think she should divorce him. I felt very cold all over, but I told her I did, because I want her to be happy and to be with someone who respects her. She tearfully replied that she was shocked by his behavior towards us and her lately and she’s been thinking on what I’ve said. She told me that she needs my words to “get the courage to be independent from him.”
I’ve been sort of out of it after the call. I feel like this is the best step forward. My mom gets to be happy, my dad gets to keep his money instead of “pouring it into a broken jar,” or whatever. I’m relieved, because I think he doesn’t respect my mom at all. But I feel guilty as the catalyst of this? It’s also going to be very difficult financially — my mom makes a fraction of what my dad makes, and cannot possibly support our family without help from my older sibling, which is also unfair in its own way. I also plan on helping once I graduate and get a job, but that’s been weighing on me as well. For my younger siblings and I, financial aid for tuition would still take into account his expected contribution, and I have no doubt he’ll just cut us all out in the case of a divorce. I cried today about the “good times” I’ve had with him, cried about how he devoted his life to us only for us to leave him, and then slept through my presentation and work shifts, which is highly unorthodox for me. I don’t really know how to deal with this, or bounce back.
TLDR: my mom is considering divorce, is relying on me to “give her the courage.” I’m not handling it well emotionally.
8 comments
Depending on where in the world she is, she might be entitled to alimony, half his pension, and to be kept on his health insurance for a while until she gets on her feet.
Best advice I have is to get to an attorney ASAP and have a consultation.
Breathe. Nothings in stone. You’re building a future that doesn’t exist.
Like your dad’s got problems. He probably is just as bad as you say. But he could still love you guys and turn it around for your mom. Or your mom might decide to stay and ween off. Or your siblings might all get part time jobs and help. Or your dad will die and you guys will get insurance. A billion things could happen.
Talk to your mom. See if you can figure out a plan together. Your 20, does the divorce need to happen now? Can she wait a few more years?
I’m sorry, this really sucks. It’s not fair if your mom to put that burden on you though. As a parent I could not do this to my child. But, right or wrong it’s decided and I hope getting away from his toxic nature is a stepping stone to peace for all of you.
May I ask how old are all of the kids? Are they all over 18? Thank you for sharing 🙂
Uhhh in what world would she not be entitled to at LEAST child support, and/or alimony? He made the kids, he doesn’t get to just dip out of responsibility.
Help her find a good lawyer.
I was in a bad situation where I was living ‘comfortably’ but with an abusive person. I left them and although I’m financially poorer, my life and health is all the richer with my freedom. That is priceless.
You destroyed your family, I hope that you are happy
Your dad likely didn’t invest his time in the right places. He was absent and didn’t form the right bonds with all of you. Did he grow up poor? Sometimes people like this work their ass off to provide the leg up to their children they felt they themselves never had. He just doesn’t realize that his absence meant he couldn’t take the time to teach you his values.
Adults are humans too and say unforgivable mean things and later regret them. Your dad may not truly intend to disown all of you. Likely the man needs therapy. I can understand him being concerned for your younger siblings getting bad grades… this can ultimately lead to a life of poverty. People who grew up in poverty know what that’s like and know that people who haven’t lived it have no concept how awful it is.
If your parents divorce… its really not on you. Perhaps your parents are just better off apart. It’s natural to feel the way you do and feel the fear that comes with an uncertain future.
It may be healthier to see your father as a person with faults and baggage. Judge him harshly if he follows through with his threats… you paint the guy as a monster while talking down his complete lack of empathy… I just don’t get a sense of empathy for him either. People are not all good or all evil. The man likely cares about all of you. He likely feels underappreciated but doesn’t understand that he didn’t give you guys some of the things you needed the most (other than financial support).
Honestly… I think some sort of family therapy might help all of you. It feels like all of you have things to work through.