TL;DR My wife spent $25,000 on a scam. She is now depressed about it being a scam. How can I comfort her but still condemn her actions?
(M33)My wife (F27) of 8 years fell victim to a scam. In which she sent roughly $25,000 to a scammer, who promised to transfer 10 million to her so that should could help people in Africa. So it was well intended but did not seek my counsel initially. After she sent $6,000 she then approached me and I pointed out the red flags in the story. She prayed about it and felt that God told her it was the right thing to do. This became a point of contention in our marriage for the past 3 months. She opened and maxed out two credit cards to keep it from me. She never lied to me about it when I asked but certainly avoided telling me the whole truth. This bled into our normal lives as well. She use to call and text me about her days and things she has questions about. She’s withdrawn with me except for the day to day items needed to keep the family running. I feel similar to having been cheated on, just more of a financial affair.
I obviously have trust issues when it comes to money with her. I have opened separate accounts and taken her name off of my credit cards. There isn’t anything left of our savings, including our emergency savings. I have cut my spending back tremendously. I used to each out twice a week and bring food from home the other 3 days. I now only bring food from home. I haven’t bought a new video game in the last 3 months. This has impacted my life and limited what I can do.
I understand that she is who I married and have no interest in divorce. I accept this hardship that she brought upon us. I just want to move beyond this and grow back together.
This brings me to the point that I am writing for advice about. She told the scammer she isn’t sending anymore money. They are still in communication but the scam is starting to fall apart. My wife is becoming more and more depressed as it does. She says this gave her a lot of purpose in her life. I want to comfort her and do whatever I can to bring her out of her depression. I know that time will be my best friend but I know that I can do things to help. But I am still angry at her for spending our entire savings and racking up credit card debt. How can I comfort her without condoning her actions?
40 comments
I uh, I don’t know what to say to this. This is definitely a divorce moment ngl. To marry someone that brings nothing but misfortune and pain, EVEN if her intentions were good, does not mean you have to stay and endure this the rest of your life.
Did she send the $$$ directly from the credit cards? If so, can’t you dispute the charge and do a back charge on it, especially if it was done fraudulently?
If she is still in contact with the scammer, have you contacted the authorities?
Both of you should seek therapy. Her depression likely was there before this scam and you need to find out the source of her depression, if you want to improve your marriage.
When I read this post, it sounded to me like it was a “romantic thing”, rather than just sending money to help people in Africa.
Can you be sure she also didn’t lie about that, or have you seen proof that’s how she got scammed?.
Your wife is dumb as rocks. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, she’s a moron. If she can’t notice an obvious scam she’s beyond help. If she’s so easily able to part with $25k without even talking to you, she’s beyond help.
I’d divorce her as soon as humanly possible and let her know I have a bridge to sell her for whatever she’s left with.
Wait, she’s still communicating with the scammer?? Is she insane or are you? One of you has to be in order to let this situation continue.
Look, the behavior has to STOP before forgiveness and comforting can stop. You’ve just avoided the conflict by restricting her access to what little money you have left but that’s not good enough, you need to actually get through to her and talk this out or it will happen again.
WHY IS SHE STILL IN CONTACT WITH THIS PERSON???????
” She prayed about it and God told her it was the right thing to do.”
Yeah that was the first sign you needed to get out of there
>In which she sent roughly $25,000 to a scammer, who promised to transfer 10 million to her
Sorry dude but i simply couldn’t stayed married to this level of stupid.
You would literally have to control every financial action in the household including hers going forward, that’s a fucking chore and half, never mind the fact you’d be called financially controlling because you had no other option than to do that.
Surprised no one else has pointed this out- why on Earth does your wife think it’s OK to spend $25,000 without asking you in the first place? Forget the scam for a second- she made a life-changing financial decision behind your back. That’s fucked up on so many levels no matter what it is.
If divorce isn’t on the table she absolutely needs counseling. This is the type of reckless behavior that leads to “I bought you a new car for Christmas!!!” “yeah yeah surprise, the whole thing is on a loan in our names!! isn’t that awesome?? only $900/month for 72 months!!” Absolutely seen this happen, especially with credit-cards.
Divorce huge liability to your mental health
She fell for the African dentist stuck in outer space scam? *facepalm*
I’ll be honest, it’s tough. It may never be the same. My wife’s dad died 5-6 years ago, and not long after, her mother sent over $300k to a scammer. Prior to him passing away, they had basically no savings. She sent his entire retirement account. His entire life insurance. Maxed credit cards. She told my wife about it after she sent $25k. They went to the police. The police basically said, “it’s gone, it’s a scam, cut ties with the guy”. A handful of people who knew what was going on told her she needs to stop and that it was a scam. She’d shut down, get mad and storm off. She didn’t cut ties, but she told us she did. Hundreds of thousands of dollars and a house nearing foreclosure later, the truth came out when she sent my wife a text that she had $73 left in her name, maxed CCs, months late on bills, and no job. The relationship with my wife’s mom and her siblings has never really improved.
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To be honest, you need to make sure she has access to no money at all. These scammers are EXTREMELY convincing. The one who scammed my wife’s mother had a completely idiotic, stupid story, but these people are just so damn convincing to their victims. They’re polished conmen who know what to say for virtually every situation, and they do not EVER let up until they know the well is dry. I don’t care how much she tells you she’s done sending money, you need to be absolutely sure it’s not happening. As far as how to help her? Counseling. I honestly think there is more damage done than you may think.
There isnt any coming back from this. Shes still in contact with the scammer? After you told her it was a scam she ignored you, decided “God wants me to do it” and spent an additional 19k? By Pray to God was it just another scammer? And now shes depressed, _NOT_ because she lied to her husband and put both of you in a particularly bad financial position but because that scam “gave her a lot of purpose in her life”?
Nah theres no coming back from this for me
Well as a 20 yo I’d keep finances separate until foreverr
She sounds mentally unstable. This is something that would make me rush towards divorce. You shouldn’t have to deal with her insane choices.
She’s not doing this out of the goodness of her heart and God didn’t call her to do it if she *lied* and *stole* all your money. She’s just an idiot
There really are people that stupid in this world arnt there… damn
Shouldn’t she be comforting you?
So I’m an investment consultant. A while back a women called my office, said she was one of my clients, and asked how her shares were doing.
She wasn’t in the database, so I asked why she thought she was a client, and where she got the shares from. After a little digging, I found the scam she had fallen for – she wasn’t the only one who had had this happen to them.
I had to explain she didn’t have any investments with my firm, and that she’d been scammed by someone pretending to be us. *And she wouldn’t believe me.* I kept telling her, over and over, that she’d been scammed, and she kept insisting that I check the database again, over and over. She dug in her heels, telling me there had been a mistake, telling me I was lying, telling me I wasn’t looking properly etc. And we argued for quite some time, going back and forth and back forth. I had to explain how these scams work, how they target people and prey on their good nature. After I explained everything in detail, she quite for a long time, and then hung up the phone.
I tell this story, because it takes a lot to admit you’ve lost so much. My ‘client’ had lost a six figure sum; her entire life savings. And for her, accepting that truth was itself an act of faith. An act of trusting *me* that I was telling her the truth. When we are confronted with things too awful to be true, we often try to deny them. That’s just human nature. Your wife has no *proof* she’s been scammed, and she’s clinging to the tiny thread of hope that she might not have been. But she won’t be able to pretend forever. That thread will brake, as it must, and she’ll be utterly distraught when it happens.
I think you have to wait for that. This *is* an act of faith for her. And it might take time to realise that. When she does, she has to apologies, and live with the shame of what her actions have done to your family. And when that happens, *you have to forgive her.*
Wish you all the best OP.
Wait. Wait. Walk me through how they convinced her that by sending $25,000 to them, they would in turn send her millions….to send people …in Africa?
I’m genuinely curious. I’m genuinely curious how they explained that to her. How they would turn that into …that.
Your wife is a complete moron. I’m sorry but I don’t even know what else I can say. You need to file for an emergency separation and get her into counseling if you want to work on this. You said yourself that she still isn’t convinced that this is a scam, she’s going to keep bleeding your accounts dry until you’re homeless. Divorce is the only appropriate response. She frankly doesn’t deserve to be comforted, she stole from your family and ruined your life. You have two kids under 5-years-old and you have an obligation to be able to financially provide for them.
Edit – after reading your comments, you’re just as stupid as she is. You guys are gonna have a horrible life together. If God is real, he’s laughing at you both and I only feel sorry for the kids.
Why, besides love, do you want to stay married? Trust? She broke that. Honesty? She was honest with you but refused to stand in her truth even now. Loyalty? She didn’t trust you when you said it was a scam. A partner in life? She isn’t showing intelligence right now to be a solid partner that will keep your livelihoods safe.
Marry the queen, not the fool.
Best wishes, OP.
wait…if they promised to send 10 million to her, why tf would they need 25K in the first place? this can not be real 😭
Is she in therapy? Why did she impulsively give away 25k? Has she done anything like this before?
from reading comments im almost convinced OPs wife may have a mental illness hes not mentioning. im not sure why this isnt a bigger deal to him. almost kinda fake story
Damn, another person tricked by the Nigerian Prince. That guy must really have $10M by now.
But really, is this for real?
She really fell for this and was going to send even more money? Maybe get her a cat toy like the one with the fishing string and pull the toy around the room. She will soon forget about the scammer. I also heard that those laser pens are great. Shine one on the wall and watch her chase after it. Scam forgotten!
Comfort her by asking her to sign up for some online courses and achieve 9th grade reading literacy.
If her religion is this important to her.. Is there someone at your church you can seek counseling from for this? Someone with some common sense? You can be religious and still not want to destroy your life over some imaginary money. Being told you’ll be given 10 million in exchange for 25,000 is absurd and I have a hard time believing any sensible adult could fall for this. Your wife is 27.. she’s not a child or an elderly adult. Id think actually she would be at the age if anything to be someone to immediately say this is a glaringly obvious scam. I see no reason why she should be this naive. Maybe she fell for it.. but the fact she’s still falling for it is concerning. If there’s a pastor or counselors at your church you can seek out id hope maybe they could talk some sense into her about this. Hopefully she would listen if this is actually just purely rooted in her faith. I grew up in a Christian church and would assume every other Christian I know would think this is just pure craziness. I don’t think God would want her to destroy her life/family over the promise of 10million from a random scammer. Being religious shouldn’t delude you into thinking this was or ever would be legit.. like on what planet would this actually happen?
Someone else mentioned having your wife checked out medically for brain tumors or things that could be impacting her mind. I think that sounds like a good idea. Have you seen personality changes in her? Has she always been naive or was this unexpected? Seriously blaming this on religion is just another excuse. Everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions and might not realize what they did was a bad idea at the time.. but this is on another level. I mean common sense says random people just don’t hand out 10 million.
Also would definitely work on reporting this fraud to credit card companies/banks/police.. as everyone else has said.
I appreciate your commitment here to your wife and wanting to support her but you need help here. Seriously think she might need a doctor. If she’s falling into depression that alone might be a flag that somethings going on with her mentally that caused all this. I don’t mean to just bash your wife as you clearly care about her and support her but I just think something else entirely has to be going on here.
No video game for 3 whole months…? 🥺😂😂😂
There are lots and lots and LOTS of animal shelters, kids group homes, ECT ECT she could spend her free time at, and those could give her an even greater sense of accomplishment..plus it’s free lol
damn you married a complete moron
My first though was ‘Wow shes so dumb’ but after seeing your replys, I think you are too.
Why you didn’t went to police when you find out ?
Why you let her keep contact with them even now that she waste that much money?
You need to take your wife to a therapist idk, someone who can help her.
Talking with her doesn’t gonna work, she has problems that need to be treated by a doctor.
Taking her to a doctor, calling the police, cut her contact with the scammers DONT make you controlling, make you a caring husband.
If you care about your wife you need to start doing instead just saying no, because you already saw that it doesn’t mean nothing to her.
Op is actually as stupid as their wife
Your wife is a fucking smooth brain idiot and so are you. “She’s religious, she prayed about it and had good intentions”, nah sorry man if my wife had a low enough IQ to waste our entire savings because “God” told her so I’d be out of there so fucking fast. It’s clear you’re also an idiot as well since you don’t seem to see the problem with this. Go pray about it and me maybe God will magically deposit your life savings back into your account. This post lowered my IQ.
You absolutely can not trust this woman with money. She didn’t do any type of research on who or what she was giving money to. Why is she still communicating with the scammer?
Your wife did this to feel useful, she is bored. She should get a job and earn the money back.
You and your wife both sound like morons with a shared neuron
My boyfriend would never get over this nor be able to comfort me, he’d call me an idiot and leave and I would not blame him
I cannot for the life of me understand how a 27 year old could fall for this.
Hi. Banker here. First, file a claim with the bank. You’re insured. Get that money back. It’ll take time as the bank conducts an investigation and whatnot, but it’ll be worth it, as you’ll get the funds back. That’s why the FDIC (or the NCUA, whichever kind of bank you have) insures your bank accounts.
Second, she needs to cut contact with the scammer IMMEDIATELY and indefinitely. While they are still in contact, she may be guilted or tricked into sending even more money, or other forms of payment such as gift cards, money orders, checks, etc. No offense, but your wife seems very naive and needs a reality check. Make sure all contact is cut entirely.
Finally, if she’s depressed because the thought of helping others and making a difference gave her purpose, then offer up alternatives. Suggest volunteering at a local animal shelter, women’s shelter, homeless shelter, soup kitchens, etc. Or even something like encouraging her to make a bunch of sandwiches and/or care packages and handing them out to the homeless. There are legitimate ways she can make a difference in the lives of others and be charitable without getting scammed and abused by a fraudster.
I hope your wife has learned her lesson. She sounds like a nice person with a good heart, but she needs to use her head, too. I hope you guys can recover the money, and I hope she can learn to identify fraud next time.