Last week my fiancé told me that his old friend Kacie reached out to him to see how he was doing. It made me instantly anxious, but I’m definitely an over thinker so I didn’t mention it to him.
Yesterday I was in our room and I overheard him in the kitchen talking to someone on the phone. He saya some basic “catching up” things. It was pretty obvious it was Kacie on the phone. I walk past him and go outside to clean something up, then come back in as he’s saying bye to her.
As I come inside, I’m FULLY expecting him to tell me Kacie just called. Instead he looks at me, smiles, and goes: “that was Bill on the phone. He’s fighting with his wife”.
I just stood there. It was obvious he just lied to my face. For the first time ever, I ask to see his call history, and he shows me. The call was from a random number. So I ask
“Why isn’t Bill’s name saved in your phone?”
He says it’s Bill’s new number. Okay, I say, then show me your recent texts with Bill. He says the recent texts are from Bill’s old phone. THEN, I say:
“Show me the texts between you and Kacie”
When I say that, he instantly gets quiet and shuts down. The numbers match. I ask him to show me their text messages and he hesitates but hands the phone over. The whole text thread is her teasing him and asking him to come hang out and he’s avoiding it. They keep texting. He mentions he’s engaged and she thinks it’s funny. I’m freaking out that he lied to me and I cry and he assures me she’s just a close friend and says he doesn’t know why he lied and it was on impulse, and he’s sorry. I was extremely hurt and angry
Today I looked her up on Facebook. She’s not even a friend, she’s his ex. Him and I are about to move into a house together. Is this something that can be worked through or am I better off leaving
32 comments
No, I think the house needs to be put on hold if at all possible.
He didn’t just lie about the call. He lied about an entire exchange that likely would still be continuing had you not confronted him. He also lied about who Kacie was in the very beginning. I don’t know if he was ever going to actually cheat… but a part of him certainly enjoyed entertaining the option. And until he’s willing to own up to that, then there’s definitely no hope here.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and the timing is awful. But this is really inexcusable.
Yeah it’s pretty bad that he referred to an ex as an old friend and then repeatedly lied about their communications.
Sooo many red flags here. First, dude hid who she was to him, lied to u multiple times, allowed her to flirt and attempt to get him to come over. I’d kick him out, nuke the secret have him tell his family and yours, separate for 30 days, have him call her with you there telling her to not contact him again. I mean me personally, I’d just leave him, hes shady and that’s wrong…
Hold up the moving.
I would put a hold on the house and wedding planning. It’s better to lose out on some money now than to be trapped in an unhappy relationship. Maybe he is having doubts about the big commitments he is making (buying a house and marriage). It sounds like he needs to work through that and you’re under no obligation to wait for him to figure it out. At the very least, you should ask for couples therapy before proceeding with anything. He has betrayed you, don’t let him continue to do so.
do not move in. he wants to cheat, dont waste anymore of your time.
Cheating is not a mistake. Think about how many lies he told to cover this up. Ask yourself why he told these lies to cover it up. What was his long term plan with these lies and relationship?
Only you can decide if this merits a pause or not. For me, it’s a hard boundary. Do you want to marry/buy property or have children with someone who lies straight to your face?
Are you comfortable with the 2 of them continuing this “friendship?”
He knew whatever he was planning was wrong otherwise he wouldn’t have done this.
Yea, no…. Postpone home purchase, and definitely don’t marry this man. This may be a blessing in disguise. He lied, multiple times, she’s texting him, flirting, he’s not shutting it down. He’s lying about phone calls, and he wants to hang out with her and she’s an ex you didn’t know about… many many 🚩. If this was only a friendship, none of this would have happened. Your fiance is not the one girl, you know what to do.
Don’t move in with this guy. That would be a huge mistake. This is a huge 🚩🚩🚩
I know why he lied, so does any man that has ever kept a woman secret like your BF has: Because he’s got feelings or is keeping her on the side for a reason. The fact that this is his ex, and he wasnt forthcoming about it, should tell you everything you need to know. Your BF KNOWS he fucked up and is panicking to cover himself. Personally, id hold off on the move and would proceed very cautiously, if at all.
He’s not sorry he lied. He’s sorry he’s not even a good liar, because he immediately got caught.
Don’t move in together. He’s a liar. Maybe take some time apart.
Thank God you are not married to him. You said in a comment that you knew about his exe’s but not this one. Honey, he lied to you saying that he was talking to his friend and the girl think it’s funny he’s engaged, she clearly wouldn’t care to fu*k him if she had the chance and I don’t think your fiance would care much about it either. You shouldn’t buy a house together and definitely shouldn’t marry. The fact that u didn’t know about her is the biggest red flag in this situation, don’t make a mistake by marrying this man. You are young and deserves better than this.
This man constantly lied to your face…
Hold off on the house, y’all need to work through this.
Seen the update…idk if it’s worth continuing the relationship, he continued to lie after you asked for honesty.
Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. I don’t consider talking to an ex bad on it’s own, but he tried to hide that fact from you and lied about their contact, which is not at all okay.
Have you already signed the paperwork, and are you both on the loan?
I don’t know if you can work through this. Is he willing to cut her off and go to therapy with you?
No. He lied twice. No reason to lie if it was innocent. Don’t get more over your head with this.
So a ‘close’ friend reaches out and he immediately lies about talking to her. Not just one lie but he’s easily coming up with lies to cover up the lie about Bill really easily. Then he lies again saying she’s only a friend when she’s actually his ex….that he’s entertaining and lying to you about. I think you should put the house on a complete hold.
You just found out he has absolutely no problem lying to your face about him talking to his ex and coming up with lies to cover for that lie.
Did he at least tell you he’d ‘stop’ talking to her?
He lied. Take that however you want to. But you have to ask yourself one question. What else has he lied about?
Have you closed on the house? If not, stop the process right now. You can cancel at any time during the process.
You would lose your earnest money deposit, but that’s it.
Do not move in with someone whose immediate impulse is to lie to you.
Definitely not, he lied to you about thier relationship, who he was talking to ect, he was having an emotional affair with her and was about to get physical.
He lied to you because he wanted to continue it. I’d end the whole relationships just for the fact he lied to you about who she is.
Stomp on the breaks. I wouldn’t move in with this liar.
Tell him to go meet up with Kacie because there is no more moving in, and there’s no more you as a couple. He may not have had a physical affair yet but he was laying the groundwork for it.
L.E.A.V.E.
I just don’t understand this kind of stuff. Do people make major life moves/decisions with someone they’re just kind of into? (I’m talking about the BF here–not OP.) Once my wife and I reached the stage in dating where I had fallen in love with her, I had zero interest in reconnecting with an ex…or anyone new, on any level. 12 years later I’m still the same way. If I hadn’t been completely sure this was the person I wanted to spend my life with, I would never have married her or bought a house with her. Breaking up with someone you share a $250-500k debt with can be messy AF.
All kinds of red flags, OP. Last thing you want is this shit happening again down the road when a kid or two are part of the equation.
Honestly this sounds like my ex, and he never stopped doing stuff like this. I dipped after he proposed and I realized I didn’t want to spend my life worrying about my partner talking to other women behind my back and lying about it.
Damn he ruined all his future plans for what a quick nut with he ex ? (They’re bound to meet up eventually , especially when you’re not around) . It sucks cause I KNOW he’s gonna unblock her right when shit settles down and you’ll be focused on other things like a wedding and the new house to notice .
If you’re hiding conversations, and lying, then you don’t have to worry about if you’re going to cheat, because you’re basically already there.
He didn’t just lie about who he was on the phone with.
He made up an entire lie about Bill fighting with his wife.
He lied about Bill getting a new phone number.
He lied about the text messages being from Bill’s old phone.
He lied about Kacie being an ex-girlfriend.
And let’s not forget that Kacie wasn’t saved under a number in his phone.
He told you 6 lies about this one person. There was something about this woman that made him willingly lie to his fiancée multiple times about his contact with her. Every one of these is enough to completely ruin the trust in a relationship.
That is a string of lies. Wow.
First, it was Bill, not Kasey.
Second, Bill and his wife are fighting.
Third, it was Bill’s “new phone.”
Fourth, his text history is under Bill’s “old phone.”
Fifth, Kasey is just a friend, not an ex.
He flirted with her and repeatedly lied. He did this consciously and intentionally.
I would be done. Kasey deserves the mess. Let her have him.
He lied. To your face.
He kept lying. To your face.
He totally thought you were stupid enough to believe it.
He showed you how important she is.
But what happens now? It’s on you.
Why worry about a house or a wedding when he’s already broken your home? For her?
(Show him this post and our comments)
u/foxstrikesatnight
If you were my daughter I would tell you that you have two choices:
1) Stay and hope he doesn’t do it again knowing the biggest predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior
2) Believe what he’s showed you so far and leave because he is willing to LIE to your face about something he claims is nothing. So let’s say that’s true (it’s not) but let’s say it is really nothing and not a big deal- why did he lie then? If he will lie about nothing, imagine the big things?! And seriously, the lies just rolled off his tongue so what else has he lied about???
If you go with #1
– he must unblock and message her, “after thinking about it, I am no longer interested in anything further. Please do not reach out again. Take care.” Block her on everything, all socials, phone, email, everything you can think of
– personal therapy to answer the why he allowed it to go this far, does he still harbor feelings for her, and the lies to his chosen partner
– couples therapy to work on boundary setting/respecting/ deal breakers
– open phone policy forever
– keep the house
– postpone the wedding until he works through the above to your satisfaction (please note: it may take a year to do so)
If you go with #2
– end it
– cancel the house if you are able or sell it (get out of it, if possible – might need an attorney)
– cancel the wedding
– pack your stuff and get your own place
– block him everywhere
– therapy to heal
You are so young and have a bright future, you will have no problem finding a man that will choose YOU every single time.
Key things to remember…
If he wanted to, he would.
Believe him when he shows you who he is.
Never make a man tell you twice he doesn’t want you.
You are NOT an option.
I wish you the best. Take care.