My mom says she and my dad haven’t been “intimate” in 20 years. Me and my sister are both in our mid 20’s so I guess they basically had us and gave up.
Anyway my suspicions are because my dad makes a lot of money but he doesn’t do anything for my mom besides pay the rent for our tiny apartment. I still live with them (sadly) but I am suspicious because ever since I was a kid he would travel for concerts he did and besides that he’s gone like all day and goes straight to bed.
I found a receipt in his car one time that had a bunch of kids meals and martinis on it. My dad says he doesn’t drink except like a sip of wine for his “heart health.” When I asked him about it he acted in shock and said he had no idea where it came from.
My mom has severe mental health issues and is home all the time. He doesn’t spend time with her. She’s depressed and lonely and has even made jokes about him having another family/girlfriend and all my friends think the same. I know it would be crushing to my mom.
I guess my question is do I just leave this alone? I feel so bad for my mom.
(Tl;Dr) My dad is suspiciously gone all the time and makes a good amount of money but doesn’t provide for my mom besides rent. I have a feeling he has another gf/family and idk if I should do something
25 comments
I would leave it alone. It doesn’t sound like your mom can support herself without him. (Honestly you also)
Pushing the issue might force him to divorce her and then she actually has bigger issues.
He’s gone a lot and you found a food receipt, that’s not a very strong case for a whole other family. IMO if your mom wanted to know, she could find out. If she had an issue with how finances are used she can work that out with him. It’s possible she doesn’t want to know and is fine with how things are.
Yes I agree with other comments but I’m assuming you didn’t post this to hear every comment that you should leave it alone, you probably wanted to hear you should investigate.
If that’s the case, you can do some of these
Open his computer, he probably is auto signed into his email, check sent and draft sections. If you have access to his phone, turn on location sharing. You can use a service like spokeo to get more info. There’s a bunch of things
But again I wouldn’t.
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What is it you think you can do exactly?
If you want to try to help your mom, go for it with the understanding that there’s likely not a ton you can do for her. But I’m betting that trying to expose your dad’s second family wouldn’t be the best way to go about that.
When I was 23 my dad came clean and told the family he had gotten a woman in Brazil pregnant.
Twice. The same woman, but fifteen years apart.
So yeah suddenly I had a 15 year old kid brother and an infant sister. That was… shocking to say the least.
But when I looked back a lot of things made sense. Dad gone overseas for 6 months out of the year, mom noticing missing money and arguing about finances, etc
Honestly, I don’t see how it would be worth it to dig into it. It sounds like they checked out of their marriage a long time ago and are probably both miserable.
Your time would probably be better spent encouraging your mom to get help with her mental illness, pursuing things that make her happy, and getting out of her unhappy marriage.
Are you unhappy with what you have? Chances are, if you dig, you are gonna hit a septic tank, that will explode covering you and everyone involved in shit. Just wanna prepare you for what you might find. It will be okay in the end. If its not okay, it’s not the end
Are you doing this for your mother or are you doing this for you?
If this is true, and I don’t know if there’s enough evidence to say for sure, then this affects you on a profound level and you didn’t mention your feelings at all.
I understand concern for your mother, but shaking the foundation of her reality will come with a steep cost, and I’m not sure it’s your place to act on this if you think your motivation is solely for your mom’s benefit.
However, if you want to know because this affects you, then I understand. Just be careful about what this would really mean if it’s true.
If it’s not true, then you have to understand that your dad is simply not doing enough to support your mom for other reasons. Have you talked to him about how he doesn’t spend time with your mom? If he makes good money, would he be able to take your mom (and maybe himself) to counseling?
You mentioned that when you were a kid he would spend a lot of time away, that time was taken away from you too. I think this post reveals your hurt just as much as your moms. I think you should try talking to your dad or a therapist about how your dad has affected you growing up.
You’re living at home with your depressed mom and your dad doesn’t spend time at home. He’s not spending time with you either. Maybe it feels like he’s making your mom your responsibility, and you’re angry and looking for reasons to explain his actions.
Unfortunately it kinda sounds like *you’re* the secret family
I don’t know about having a secret family but perhaps he is cheating. I feel horrible for your poor mum especially that she I’d struggling with depression…but 20 years without any intimacy will take a toll on some men and women. Obviously cheating is never justified and it’s best to just exit the marriage but I just have an inkling…
If you really think this is true I would let it go for now and help your mom- therapy, join a gym for health and socializing, making new friends through hobbies, maybe a part job, taking classes or church stuff if she is into it. Since your dad doesn’t care about your mom help
Your mom care more about herself.
It sounds like their marriage was over 20 years ago so it’s quite possible he is cheating. Does your mom have a contingency plan in case if a divorce? If not, she should start making one.
She probably knows on some level.
Just love and support her as best you can.
Where can you get Kids meal and martinis? Oh, and yes.. your dad definitely has something going on.
Hire a private investigator.
My father did that for about 8 years and i just blackmailed him, told my mother and she kicked him out of the house but she was very devastated and in very bad place afterwards eventhough so was he because I contacted his other girlfriend as well so she’d break up with him
Your mom likely gets more financial help now from your dad, then she would if they were split.
No child support since you all are grown.
Have you considered having a heart to heart with your dad?
Things can be done. Credit report, bank statements, access to his phone? If he has another family or wife, he is in constant contact.
How often does he sleep elsewhere?
Also. Your mom may know. The two of them might keep up the ‘family’ for you and your sisters benefit.
Leave it alone. She is in charge of her marriage and probably has the same suspicions as you do. She has chosen not to get divorced and is satisfied with being supported by your dad. If you really want to find out follow your dad, check your dad’s credit, do an internet search. But be prepared for unpleasant facts.
You can always follow him one day and see where he goes. Or if you don’t feel up to it, hire a PI and have them follow him around for a day, cataloging his activities.
I’d just be asking outright. You’re in your 20s, not a child.
Question him! Ask him!
I wouldn’t be leaving it alone. At all.
You are the secret family. Back in the day, especially in other countries this was common. Hearing it now, I’m wondering how people can get away with that nowadays.
But yeah, you definitely are the secret family. You should tread cautiously about telling your mother if you find out anything. You said she was mentally unstable so something like the could push her over the edge.
Me personally, if I was in your shoes and found out, I would ask him why. If I don’t like his answer, I’d tell him to choose. If he doesn’t I’d threaten to tell her but not actually tell her. Hoping he wouldn’t call my bluff.
But me personally, if I found out, I wouldn’t tell your mom and I’d 100% confront him directly.
There are a couple questions you should ask yourself first, and you should honestly answer them.
1. Who are you really doing this for? Your mother or you?
2. If you are doing this for your mother, what do you expect will happen if you are correct? How will her finding out her husband living a double life help her?
3. What are your expectations of the outcome for yourself if you are right? Or wrong? If you are right? What will change?
Some things to consider:
IF your father is more than a neglectful husband, the chances that he just up and leaves you and your mother are 50/50 once revealed. If he is already this detached from your family and doing the bare minimum, I’d say it’s more 70/30 that he leaves. How is that going to help your mother?
Your mother needs help *now*, not her daughter throwing more stress and turmoil on her plate. Normally, I tell people that they aren’t responsible for their parents mental health, and you aren’t. But, you are asking what to do and you are worried about your mom… if I were in your shoes, I would do my best to help her help herself. Get her into a doctor, start getting her depression and anxiety under control. Start getting her out and about and doing little things that she might enjoy.
At the end of the day, finding out the truth may seem important, and it is. BUT the timing of some truths is more important. Get your mom stable before you blow any holes in her life.
Honestly, I would leave it alone. You may be their child, but you don’t have any say in their marriage. It is not up to you to snoop around in their marriage. That is your mothers prerogative. Right now, if she’s so deep into depression she’s not going anywhere, that is what you need to focus on.
It sounds as though your mother is inappropriately using you as a confidant. You’re not supposed to have the burden of her messed up like.
If your mother chooses to be unemployed and sit around the house and complain that everything is unfair to her into her 50’s, that’s her problem, not yours. She’s setting a terrible example by trying to bring you into it. You don’t achieve happiness by sitting around complaining. She should support herself by working, and so should you.
It would be wrong for your father to have another woman, but in truth, he would probably be doing it as a way to provide the best possible life for you and the others, because he feels a duty to you, and leaving the marriage would condemn you to a terrible life.
You should not feel sympathy for adults who choose their lifestyle. Your mother chose her lifesyle, not you. Trying to recruit you to talk trash about your own father is a terrible thing to do. If she doesn’t like sitting around the house, there are plenty of places hiring.