My mother (50F) had untreated ADHD and bipolar disorder. She is also occasionally abusive to her family members. She wants to plan a “family vacation” with me (26F), my partner (27M), my brother (18M) and younger siblings for next summer.
I can barely stand seeing my mother for a full day when I’m in her city. There is no way I want to go on a several day long vacation where I have to spend most of my time with her. However, telling her I don’t want to go will play into this persecution fantasy she has where I hate her and prefer my dad over her. I think this vacation might actually be partly a test, since I planned a vacation with my dad to the same location last summer.
I don’t want to deepen her paranoia about this, because she holds grudges and will lash out years after something happens.
Should I play along and suck up my (and my partner’s) discomfort? Or should I tell her straight up that I do not want to plan a vacation with her, and just deal with the consequences? I would like to preserve our current surface level, sort of positive relationship.
Tl;Dr: My distant but fairly pleasant relationship with my mentally ill, abusive mother is being threatened by her wanting to plan a family vacation. Do I tell her flat out I will not be attending, or condemn myself and my partner to a week or misery and discord?
3 comments
>Should I … suck up my (and my partner’s) discomfort?
Of course not!
You should tell your mom “We aren’t able to do a big family vacation next summer. Lets get together and have a cookout for 4th of July instead” or “We’re saving up for x,y,z so we can’t partake in a vacation but thank you for the invite” or whatever.
if its a test– OH WELL. If it starts a fight — OH WELL. If it rocks what currently feels like a kinda stable relationship– OH WELL. Because the truth is if she’s LOOKING for a reason to feel like a victim, she will find one, whether it’s genuine or whether she has to bend reality a little to find something. Thats how this stuff works. (I’m not trying to be flippant– i completely understand the desire to preserve the fragile positivity. But like i said– if she’s LOOKING for something to get upset about, if she’s TRYING TO shake the foundation, she’ll find a way whether it’s your doing or not. So you might as well take care of yourself)
YOU should stick to the things that keep you (and your partner) safe and healthy, and if that means just seeing her occasionally for a few hours, then that’s fine! It will be hard, and i assume mom won’t be very cool about it, but you are entitled to living a life where you are safe and happy and not catering to someone’s chaos or allowing them to use you as a punching bag.
>I would like to preserve our current surface level, sort of positive relationship.
You can want that until the cows come home but you need to realize that by thinking that, you are expecting an irrational person to respond to you in a rational way.
You cannot control her responses. You cannot carry the weight she doesn’t want to lift.
Say no. It sounds like she’s find other reasons to justify her beliefs and behaviors anyway. No point and having to go through suffering if you know she’ll eventually pick something else to freak out about