I’ve(24m) been with my gf for over 4 years and we’ve gotten better and better at sex however I’m beginning to worry about sexual compatibility. I enjoy trying new things and looking for ways to improve and she’s kind of there for the ride. Sometimes I wonder whether she’s actually enjoying or looking forward to sex because she never initiates and a lot of the time she says later.
I’ve tried talking to her about this and what she would like to change/improve but she usually becomes upset that I brought it up. When she doesn’t get upset it’s very minimal (almost non-commital) feedback such that the only thing I’ve learnt is that she likes spanking and going slow at the start.
How can I talk to her to get her to open up? Could this passitivity be caused by shame or just plain disinterest? It doens’t seem like disinterest given her emotional reaction but I have no clue.
Edit: I should have mentionned I’m not happy with the frequency and it is almost always me initiating and getting rejected. Also she agrees to new things tentatively and it’s hard to get her to say whether she wants to do it again. I usually just get a noncommittal “it was good”. I want to talk to her because I want to know if there is something I could do to make her more excited to have sex or enjoy it more. If this is just how her libido is then I think we may be incompatible which is why it’s so important to discuss imo.
I should also mention she has not once asked me what I like or if there’s anything I’d like to try. It just seems like she has no interest in sex.
19 comments
Seems she happy and you keep assuming she not. You said you want to try new things but never said she said no. That means she willing to try it. You keep assumjng because she not jumping and down for joy agreeing. Just do what you want to do, if she likes it she will let you no, if not she will. You are overthinking
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Maybe you think she’s not happy because you’re not happy? Is there something you’re not opening up about that you want? Something you want to try that you’re afraid of bringing up? Are you enjoying sex with her? If not what aren’t you enjoying?
Idk maybe these would be good questions to ask yourself.
>the only thing I’ve learnt is that she likes spanking and going slow at the start.
Ok, so follow up question: do you spank her? Do you go slow at the start?
Man this sub sure hates men sometimes. We get raised having the importance of enthusiastic consent, and that anything lower is a “no” (and rightfully so), so of course an unenthusiastic partner leaves a LOT to be desired in terms of both consent, and general interest. Would you want to keep going out to lunch with your best friend if their only participation was being there, and saying “yeah it was good” after? Would you want a game night where you play both sides, and the other person is just sitting there saying “yeah, it’s fun.” No! It’s crazy to think of doing most things with someone who doesn’t want to be a participant. Why is that that OP should just be fine with his wife being a bump on a log?
Genuinely OP, I would consider sex therapy. Maybe your wife doesn’t like sex, maybe she doesn’t have the tools to open up and explore it, maybe she’s just lazy, maybe she doesn’t even like you. It’s impossible for us to tell on the other side of a Reddit post, so a sex therapist can really help you figure out what’s going on and why. But be warned, sometimes things like this can be fixed, sometimes it’s just an incompatibility issue and you have to decide if you want to spend the next 50 years with a wife who won’t discuss sex with you, and rarely participates.
The few comments are confusing, not sure why it seems people are bitter towards you. As a 27F, I’m gathering she may just be embarrassed to vocalize things to you? I do think communication is key, and you’re doing things right by trying to ask her what she likes and doesn’t like, interests, etc. It’s okay that you’re not feeling satisfied, it sounds like things may be kind of at a standstill in the bedroom and it’s more going through the motions as opposed to having fun and exploring each other passionately.
My only advice is to try to say that to her in a different way than you already have. Maybe ask her what she fantasizes about. What gets her off. What turns her on. Is there anything she’d like to try either on her or on you. If she’s adamant on a no, and is content with how things are, I think it’s okay to not continue the relationship based on being incompatible.
Personally I couldn’t be with someone who just is goin through the motions in bed, not really interested. I couldn’t do that for the next 40+ years. I see posts where older married couples in their 40’s say the sex life is dead and they’ve been like this from the start. It’s like people think they will just change and become spicy as time goes on. If you can’t talk about your sex then it’s gonna be pretty plain and vanilla. I’m sensing she’s embarrassed to talk about this stuff with you which screams immature
I can relate to this a bit I absolutely hate talking about sex when it comes to details an “it was good” is all that I feel needs to be said and it does mean that it was good, her at the very least saying it probably means it’s true, considering she doesn’t masturbate tho she might just be a take it or leave it person when it comes to sex, has she ever masturbated? Have you tried masturbating together ma letting her choose the source material? That’d allow her to learn more about her body and help you gauge her interest, it’s always possible that she acts this way because she feels as if she’s supposed there’s always the added pressure when it comes to women and sex, she genuinely may not have a healthy relationship surrounding sex and I think that building that relationship typically starts with masturbation
Have you tried texting or note writing? I know that it’s juvenille, but when my husband and I first started dating I couldn’t vocalize anything to him. I’m guessing he felt similar to how you’re feeling He asked me one day if I could write a note about what I was feeling, that worked well because I was able to open up about what I wanted without needing to say it out loud. We literally sat on a couch passing notes back and forth to have this conversation.
Maybe you can try that?
Also, I notice that you regularly use the term “improvement”, if you GF is insecure about sex, maybe avoid that term- focus on specifics by asking her what she liked and didn’t like. Also stress the things that you enjoyed with her to help that confidence boost
Good Luck
She’s just not into you or the sex. You’re not compatible. Just run. Why are you staying ?? !! She sounds like a bimbo. She’s not into you bro.
> she never initiates
This right here.
Get out now before the resentment does a number on ya
Is the sex good for her? If it is, maybe she really doesn’t have any other kinks and is content with your sex life the way it is, so if you’re *not* content with that, then you need to communicate it directly from your point of view. Like, instead of saying “is there anything you want to do differently”, try “I would like to have sex more often/try different things, and it bothers me that you aren’t willing to talk about it”.
All you can do is tel her what you want. She can decline.
And you can choose to further be dissatisfied, or move on in hopes of finding better compatibility
What is the issue exactly? She sounds normal to me. If she’s happy with the way it is, why should she have to talk about more? She’s young, and there’s nothing wrong with not watching porn.
It’s probably time to leave. I’m like this, well I don’t have sex, but I’m very sex phobic, I ligit have no turn ons, no kinks or fantasies and talking about sex even over text makes me uncomfortable. You’ll never be happy with a girl like that if you’re adventurous and that
This is a common theme in r/deadbedrooms.
There are so many possibilities it’s impossible for anyone to say for sure with only this information you’ve shared. That said, she sounds like a classic LL (low libido). I’d recommend counseling so you can both get it figured out. If she’s LL this problem is likely going to get worse over time and you should find an exit strategy.
Get her off birth control and she wont be able to keep her hands off you
It does sound like a classic deadbedroom subreddit story.
Lower libido partner does not masterbate even when single and doesn’t have any sexual fantasies to speak off.
Early in the relationship, sex is decent and regular but it declines with time and remains very vanilla. Over time, expressing signs of desire towards your partner is less and less well received. They get annoyed at you and think you are perverted sex addict because you dare… Desire your partner sexually more than once a week (or a month).
Then, usually after a few years later, usually once married with kids and mortgage, they will reveal that they would rather never have sex at all and possibly come out as asexual, and you have a very tough decision to make.
Obviously, it could be something else entirely. But in the dead bedroom subreddits, a partner’s lack of masturbation and lack of sexual fantasies are usually on the “signs I missed back then and wished that I had picked on then” list.
Buy the book “sex is fun” or any couples sex books like “the guide to getting it on” and see if that will help her engage
I can’t do porn or masturbate either because it was forced upon me as a child. Does she have any trauma? Does she come from a religious background where it was shamed to have sex? I would try going to a sex therapist to find the solution.