My cousin recently approached me to say she sometimes feels like her boyfriend is silently judging her for having sex with him. As in, they have sex and she feels like he’s thinking she’s a sl_t for having sex with him. She says she’s stopped herself from trying new things because she feels he’ll think she’s a sl_t for searching and knowing sex-related stuff. She also said she sometimes feels guilty when she masturbates. She seemed pretty emotionally distressed.
I told her there’s nothing shameful about enjoying sex with her partner. Then I asked her a few questions about where she got this idea that her boyfriend will think such horrible things about her. She said she wasn’t sure and ultimately didn’t know.
I felt bad I couldn’t provide much help other a few words. I can’t say I’ve experienced shame about sex quite at this level. I did share some of the shame/embarrassment I’ve felt about sex to sort of let her know it’s not something she’s doing wrong, more like there’s a lot of conflicting messages we receive about sex and public sex education kinda fucking sucks. But I ultimately couldn’t relate to her level of distress.
It’s sad and I wish I could do more to ensure she’s enjoying intimacy with her boyfriend instead of self-flagellating. Can I do anything else to help her?
**tl;dr:** Cousin is distrssed about feeling shame during and after sex/masturbation, feeling like her boyfriend thinks of her as a sl_t for enjoying or knowing about sex. What can I do something to help her?
3 comments
Does she come from a conservative or strict household?
This sounds like something she may need to work through with a therapist, not with a family member.
Sexplanations is a really good educational channel on YouTube, and the host has [a terrific episode on the subject of sex shame](https://youtu.be/ZE_xn8Mhn_M), although it’s mostly just anecdotes of people who have been sex shamed before.
It raises a good point, though: providing an opportunity for listening, understanding, and empathy creates an environment where shame can’t survive. So by already providing an environment where your cousin can talk to you about her feelings and experiences without fear of judgment or backlash, you’re already helping her fight feelings of shame surrounding sex by normalizing discussion of it.