I F30 have been dating him M29 for a month or so, after knowing each other as friends for a few months.
We always have a pretty good time together, lots of fun, and similar interests. But when we began dating, I started to notice that he seemed a little immature, and that the relationship was a little imbalanced. He seemed more into me than I was into him. Well, I thought, we can try for a bit longer and see how it goes. I tend to prefer the slow burn, and it can take me some time to develop strong feelings. And I couldn’t see anything obviously wrong – we were still having fun together.
I took a trip abroad with friends for a few weeks. He asked if he could come and hang out with me there for a couple of days after my friends leave, and on a whim, I said yes. But, while I’ve been abroad, we kept chatting and I kept noticing more and more things that were off-putting – our communication styles just don’t match in ways that are important to me, and I’ve noticed he can be a bit crass and childish. Looking back over our times together, I noticed we can have fun but don’t connect in a deeper way. As a result of all this, I’ve become put off by him and find myself feeling irritated when we talk.
He already bought the tickets and is coming down soon, and I find myself dreading it. I know it could still be fun to spend a couple of days together, but I feel anxious about it now. I don’t want to lead him on. I also don’t want to break things off with him when he’s come all the way out to a different country to hang out. I’m simply at a loss of what the right thing to do here is.
He’s all set to come over, and I’m set on edge. Need some collective wisdom on how to handle the situation – or hear from anyone who’s gone through something similar.
26 comments
Tough situation. I’m a male who is very flexible and reasonable. You can directly tell me that you prefer to be alone and I’ll be fully cool with it and do my own things there. But men in general aren’t like me.
I see 2 options: Be honest and direct or be vague. Vague means telling him something arose and you need to cut your trip short or spend the remaining time alone, no details given. Or that you’re not in a good mindset to see him and apologize.
Being direct means telling him that the more you think about him, it’s clear to you that you don’t see enough compatibility to date him. You can apologize for making him waste his time/trip. Ask him if he can refund his ticket.
Serious question:
Do they sell time machines in the country you’re currently visiting?
If you’re unsure it may be worth speaking with the hotel concierge.
I was on the dumpee end of this recently. Girl and I had plans to go to a ski area for a bit, I had it all booked, and something went sideways comms-wise. Thought we would recover, but she dumped me. I’m glad she did it quick, assuming she was sure and nothing would recover from spending time together. When you know, don’t waste time.
Do it now. It hurts to get dumped, but letting him come out there when you aren’t interested is worse. Waste of time and money, and everyone is gonna have a bad time. He might lose some money on flights, but it’s still better. I ate the cost on the booking, and I was surely chagrined, but that’s what it is. You sound like you know.
‘Hey- I’m sorry to do this to you like this, but I’m not feeling things.’ It’s hard and it’s not fun, but it’s the right thing to do if you’re sure.
This happened to me. Was into the guy I was dating and had fun when we were together, but small things started to subconsciously pile up. Then one day I started feeling anxious about it and I knew that I had reached my point. Even though there were no red flags and we were having fun, my mind knew we couldn’t go further.
I agonized over it for one day since I knew it would come completely out of nowhere for him, but all I could do was text him that it wasn’t working and I wanted to stop seeing each other. We had a phone call about it, ended up trying to be friends and see if it developed from there, but that only solidified how I felt, and two weeks later I ended that as well. He respected me for being clear about it and speaking up once I felt that way.
It’s not your fault if it takes a while to figure out if you’re compatible. Just communicate it once you know. Don’t try to rationalize your feelings away, because that will just make it worse for the both of you. Trust your gut and keep moving. It’s not personal.
Definitely tell him as soon as possible that it’s over and you don’t want him to come.
I would be very clear and upfront with him. Vagueness is kind of crappy, leaves him with questions and is kind of the cowardly out. Particularity after he committed to come to a trip to see you. Least you can do is offer him is honest and let him figure it out from there.
We’re adults, be direct and honest with him.
well you have known this person for a few months so at least he is not a total stranger. Are you just messing it up in your own head? Or do you have cold feet about some big romantic adventure? He definitely thinks it is some big romantic adventure.
it is like any larger trip. If you have plans to drive 4 hrs to a skihill and your friend has a space in the car, and then you showup with all your gear, and oops no space for you sorry, see you there, maybe. How mad would you be? Now multiply that by expectations of one on one time romance.
Flights can be moved, and cancelled, its a lot easier to just not leave your house than be stranded in another country with a lady you thought was a lover. I would even consider paying for his flights, you know if you want to be a proper honourable person. You could easily say, oops sorry we are down south not going to make it up to see you, blah blah blah. He will be mad at you but less mad than if you did that when hes there
the path of least resistance is your friend, no international dates, stick to local bars wherever you are
To be the devil’s advocate, he could be trying to be the fun guy too much, how about wording that to him? Honestly though, it’s tough to see it a different way, I’ve been on dates where I was falling asleep the women were so boring, at the same time, one ordered 5 shots as soon as we sat for dinner, if you have a gut feeling, try to go with that, I think you have it a good try, most people bail without saying anything, you are giving him at least the respect of thinking about his feelings, I would just nicely tell him that you just live in two different types of lifestyle, good luck.
Send her my way, my weekends are free.
Honestly if he booked a flight you owe him a full response. I’d explain that I’m no longer interested but happy to share some travel time as friends. If he’s really into you he’ll bail or he might have similar reservations and cancels. You at one point thought he’d be a fun travel partner, who knows it might end up being incredible.
I’d want to know before wasting my time. is he using his vacation days? can he refund or change the tickets?
i can break you out …whats the safe word ?
Be honest. Rip the bandaid off
I had this happen recently. We hit it off for a while, and he seemed like a nice guy. We dated for about 6 months and Then these little things started to build up and bother me and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even want to hang out with him anymore. Like, I don’t think he’s a bad person, we are just incompatible. I broke up with him right before Christmas and we decided to exchange gifts anyways. And he got me an expensive gift (after I specifically told him not to) so now I feel obligated to at least hang out with him until I graduate and move… I’m really wishing I had been more honest with him and that he would’ve taken the gift back. It’s so awkward now. Also, I think I’m Bi but he doesn’t believe me and I just wish I could be honest about not being attracted to guys rn.
Just rip the band-aid off and communicate in clear, gentle terms that it isn’t working for you. Remind him and yourself that incompatibility is not a critique on either of you—it just is. It’s awkward, it’s gonna suck for a while, but your days-from-now selves and beyond will thank you for it.
I’d tell him you’ve reevaluated and want to break it off but if he wants to come on the trip that you’ll arrange separate bedrooms in the hotel or something. If you really dislike this guy don’t hang out with him, but you said you were friends first, I think it is possible to make the most of the situation while not lying to yourselved about what it is.
Sounds like you haven’t even talked to him about any of it
There is obviously a boundary you need to speak here. You’re gonna snap if he tries to be super romantic and you haven’t spoken up yet.
Truth is probably best. “I’m not really sure what’s been going on with me but I found myself feeling really nervous about you coming here. You asked, I said yes and I meant that. But then I started getting really unsettled, too close to the trip to really say anything.
I was hoping I was just cranky from travelling or something but now that you’re here I’m still feeling like I need some space to process this. You didn’t do anything wrong that I could say anything about. If it were that I’d just tell you. Can we have a much more low key kind of hangout? Instead of a romantic getaway? I don’t wanna end up snapping on you for doing something if I don’t even know what’s bothering me right now enough to set a boundary around it. But I figure we can have a good enough time if we keep it light. We’ve always enjoyed each other’s company, right?”
If he’s a dick about that or gets hella insecure, there’s your answer about why your gut is yelling at you. You might be on the same holiday but if he gets inappropriate you can absolutely set a boundary that he can be anywhere else in the country but not in your orbit.
If he’s cool, then cool. You averted choosing the nuclear option in a moment of all encompassing annoyance. Maybe your nervous system will chill out if he shows that he’s a safe person to have genuine human emotions around. If that’s what happens you may wanna look into your own attachment style. You’d be surprised how many people struggle with these kinds of rapid losses of interest with people they genuinely like because of attachment wounding.
It is on him. I know this sort of thing isn’t so rare these days, but you are early into dating and not in a relationship together. Trips abroad with virtually unknowns (even including your short friendship, you barely know him) is nothing more than the opportunity for a travel buddy, even if there is a hope for holiday romance. He cannot honestly be expecting too much especially that you are already there and he is just joining.
Unless you are dating exclusively, I would suggest something like… you have met someone at a bar/restaurant (or somewhere) when out with your friends and will go on a date on ______ day of this week with him. Allow him the option to still come (unless you are completely against it) but let him know it will probably be more platonic if something happens with this other guy (and in which case assuming he hasn’t booked his own hotel he will need to). A hotel at such short notice will either not be convenient (best location get occupied sooner generally) or be expensive, so might put him off. If he is that immature he may become abusive… block him straight away.
Yeah let him go gently. He can go there on a singles vacation instead and perhaps even meet the right person for him!
Tell him ASAP that you don’t think it’ll work out, relationship-wise. If he’s cool, maybe you guys can have fun on the trip as friends or something. If not, then you’ve dodged a bullet.
I’d tell him as soon as possible. My brother dated a girl long distance and wanted to tell her in person that he wanted to break up, so he broke up with her after 1 day of her week long trip visiting him, and she was stuck there because she didn’t have money to go back yet…very awkward.
I recently (last September) went on the trip because it was book knowing I wasn’t happy with the guy. We are very different people. It wasn’t a disaster but I was not a good trip. Tell him and safe both of you what at best will be a unpleasant few days
How far away is this trip? Abroad can mean a lot of things.
But, assuming its more than a quick 2 hour plane/train ride, I’d just let him know how you feel now. It likely won’t get better by that time, and if you know he is into you and you aren’t feeling the same, you would be doing him a kindness to let him know so he can make alternate plans, instead of taking a trip to see someone not interested in him.
There is some awful advice in here. Like many people here have said, rip the bandaid off and dump him before he comes. I would personally opt for splitting the cost of the cancellation if he has to pay anything. At the end of the day, he asked, you said yes and a plan was made.
Comments about suddenly making this a platonic vacay, when you are technically dating are horrible. Yes it is soon, but I would be crushed if I flew to see a girlfriend and she dropped something like that on me. Way more crushed then if she just broke it off.
This might sound odd – the times I’ve noticed the issues or the incompatibilities the most are from time away. And this is also why I give space in new relationships. It’s so very normal to get caught up in enjoying company and wanting to enjoy more company – but it’s better if you listen to what you’re trying to tell yourself.