Most of my partners are men, but I had sex with a woman last week. We had a lot of fun, the sex was great. She told me to do anything I wanted to her body, but I’m pretty vanilla. Protection was not used which she was fine with. We sat on the porch after and shot the breeze. I liked her personality, she made me laugh. The next morning I go to work and get a bunch of exciting texts from her and we do a bit flirting. “Can’t stop thinking about you,” she said. “Can’t wait until you have me on my hands and knees again.” “I’m gonna have fun with you.” “‘I’m excited.” I liked the sound of that and we planned to hang out again Sunday. We wished each other a good rest of the day and I moved on with my work day.
Later that night I get a weird text from her asking if I want to know how old she is. I said uh I assumed early 20s. She said yeah 20. I said “Ah, so you feel I’m too old for you.” She said it didn’t worry her too badly but just wanted to keep it casual. I said that works for me and fell asleep.
The next morning after that I wake up to a text from her asking for my **STI test results** because she said she was like “tripping” (slang for freaking out) and that she’s got a test scheduled for next week. What is this, I’m thinking. I said I don’t have anything and get tested regularly. She said it’s just that she’s been told by some other people that I have also slept with them (which is probably true, it’s a small town and I am a sexually active male). She was wondering how many since being tested and how many before her. I was really confused, because I felt like we were pretty communicative about each other being in poly relationships before all this.
I sent her a link to my medical chart with all my results which show I’m good to go, I get tested for every possible STI you could think of regularly. I said that’s probably overkill but I wanted her to feel like she trusts me. She just said she appreciated that.
That was it. I didn’t reach out to her again until that weekend when I texted her to inquire if we were still on for Sunday. Come to find she blocked me. She’s also ignoring me around the building where we first met, she saw me and didn’t say anything, which didn’t feel too good.
I am so confused. We will never know for sure I guess, but what do you speculate that was all about? How did we go from “I can’t stop thinking about you” to being blocked all within a week? đI hate not knowing and can’t even ask her what happened.
41 comments
did she know most of your partners were men before you hooked up?
I imagine your guess is as good as anyone’s, but perhaps she was just spooked by learning you’ve slept with a number of others? I don’t think you did anything wrong or untoward in this situation. Sorry this happened. I don’t do casual, but I definitely know the feeling of being excited by someone only to have them suddenly 180 on you, and it sucks.
It sounds like she didnât realize you had slept with a bunch of people she knows and got the ick
Iâd guess she was excited about the potential of you, said so to some friends/people she knew, and learned info she didnât like. It may be the number of sexual partners, it may be one of them was treated poorly by you and told her so, your age, etc.
Kinda reads to me like she was phishing for info about how many other people youâre involved with, or how easy it is for you to get sex. Like sheâs one of several kinda thing.
At 20 she most likely was too young for you any way, no?
Yeah, this sucks but you guys are definitely incompatible so consider it a win as far as how much time youâve invested.
For a lot of us, there’s a difference between knowing someone has had a good amount of experience before us vs. learning that person has been with a number of people in our active social circle.
One is often easily overlooked, the other rarely so. It might *not* be the cause of the block in this case, but it is one possibility.
You sent her a link to your whole medical chart?! Iâve worked in medical records AND in law offices where we reviewed a lot of medical records. There is TONS of sensitive personal information there. Going forward, just send screenshots of your results from your phone, do not give anyone access to all of your protected health information unless you want your identity stolen!
Could be that another person you hooked up with felt slighted by you and told her something she didn’t like. There’s no way to know for sure unless she tells you, and maybe you’ll never know. I’ve had people ghost me with no explanation before even though things were great before, and it sucks. Sorry bro, can’t win em all
if you donât want to date someone who acts like a 20 year old then donât date a 20 year old. the whole thing is kinda gross tbh
I’m not sure that you did anything wrong, I think she’s just learning the hard way that she should ask more questions before sex and she’s probably more mad at herself for being irresponsible than she is at you.
Like she is probably realizing that if she is polyamorous and has polyamorous partners that she doesn’t want to take the risk of having unprotected sex. And she may have incorrectly assumed that you had a lower number of partners than you’ve had, and only came to that realization when one of the other people she told about your relationship had coincidentally also slept with you.
Also, your post makes it sound like you are uncertain who that person might be, which isn’t necessarily an ethical issue, it’s just that it could create the impression that you’ve slept with tons and tons of people you don’t remember vs. if you had said, “Oh yeah, Julie and I had a thing last year.”
Unrelated, but how certain are you that she was using birth control and that she isn’t pregnant?
Honestly I bet youâre posted on your towns âare we dating the same guyâ FB group. Sounds like she saw a questionable post about you after sleeping with you, and wanted to cover her bases before blocking you.
It seems like you didnât know each other well but had a nice time. However afterwards she was concerned and inquired about ages, stds, multiple partners and it may have caused her to lose interest in continuing with you.
> She was wondering how many since being tested
This is a completely normal question to ask when dealing with multiple sexual partners. She was in the right asking it, and probably having a lot of worries that she didn’t vet you for STI risks beforehand. She may just be inexperienced in how to go about that and also wasn’t considering the risks before then.
>That was it. I didn’t reach out to her again until that weekend when I texted her to inquire if we were still on for Sunday. Come to find she blocked me.
Ok, so you knew she was having a little freak out about non-monogamous hookups and the STI risks involved, and you treated it casually. That’s my read, anyways. I’m not judging you and you can navigate dating however you want to, but I don’t personally think polyamory is a pass for low effort and not maintaining communication. You could have checked up on her and how she was doing with all of this or tested the waters with flirting instead of waiting for date time and checking up on the date.
I’m thinking she would have rather vetted you before the first sexual encounter, got a reality check on STI risks, and then scrambled to try to do that with you and feel better about it. However she couldn’t get there in terms of trust after the fact, and you weren’t really texting her anyways, so her read on you changed and she ended your hookup situation. I’ll also say if you were the one who suggested not using protection and you never tried to exchange STI information beforehand, then you did flag yourself as a high risk partner. I don’t think her worries are completely unwarranted in that circumstance.
The can’t stop thinking about you stuff was just passion and sexual excitement. Respect the block and leave her alone.
She’s 20 and had regrets. It’s that simple.
Maybe you slept with someone sheâs friends with and it psyched her out. Or sheâs in her own head and just decided she regretted hooking up at all. Could be anything.
âCanât stop thinking about youâ in *that* context is sexual, not emotional. She probably just changed her mind about wanting to do a casual thing or started talking to someone else. I would take a week(ish) with no communication to mean youâd moved on. So it could have been that she felt that. But itâs not that weird to send sexy flirty texts then later not be into it. If she said she loved you and then a week later didnât want to see you, that would be a lot more surprising.
I’m guessing you’re 39
I’m not sure why you expected emotional maturity and clear communication from someone who is 20.
Idk.
My ex boyfriend who I’ve known for years ghosted me just days after he was “so in love with me” and “we’re soul mates”
So Idk.
She’s 20. She doesn’t know what she wants yet, and what she wants probably changes every 12 hours. plus it sounds like she’s nervous about stis which can turn anyone off even if it’s not a real concern. idk. doesn’t sound like you invested much at least?
What country are you in where you can just âlinkâ someone to your medical records? Did you give her your password to your patient portal or something?
Honestly, some of us get grossed out when someone we’re talking to have slept with people we know/friends. I would no longer be interested in a guy if I found out he slept with one of my friends. It grosses me out.
Chances are she asked around about you and found a few people you’ve slept with and got turned off.
She probably felt like you had a special connection but upon hearing of other partners, then felt like she was just one of many.
Dude wtf.
I don’t know how old you are, but she’s pretty young. You have sex regularly, with enough people in your small town to have a reputation, and DIDN’T use protection? The fuck dude.
Maybe she doesnât want a partner that sleeps with the same and opposite sex?
Change of heart. If you really are sleeping around, it’s risky for her. And if some of those stories she was told were negative towards you, even worse.
Men donât pop for precancerous forms of hpv the way women do. Herpes usually doesnât show either. Perhaps she got a yeast or bacterial infection after your event and itâs making her nervous. Did you do anything back door to front door, because that will cause a uti in women.
Also, did she know it was just a hookup and did she know you mostly sleep with men prior to hooking up?
Did she know that most of your partners are men before she had sex with you? The most logical conclusion is she didnât know and found out. After finding out she freaked out about STIs because MSM account for more than 50% of new HIV infections and are at a higher risk of STIs in general. That would explain why she grilled you about your STI tests/status after finding out. And if you didnât use protection with her she probably thought you might never use protection which once again equals really high risk of STIs.
How do you know she was fine with not using protection? I ask because Iâm 34 and I still struggle by feeling pressured sometimes by men in this situation. When I was 20, if a man said âare you okay with not using a condom?â I may have SAID yes but actually not been comfortable with it.
Please men- just use one when you are getting to know a woman, itâs the polite thing to do.
It looks like someone in this thread said you are 38ishâŠdid she know that when she first hooked up with you? That would give me the ick to find out after the fact.
Since you mentioned being sexually active, please use protection every time. That’s all I have…
You are not dating/having sex responsibly. You should have gotten her age before sex, because 20 is dangerously close to being underage, and that’s gross for anyone but especially someone in their late 30s+. You should have been up-front with your test results and how many people you’ve had sex with since that test *before* you had sex with her. And you should have used a condom anyway, in addition to discussing any birth control she uses.
You are old enough to know better. And she’s young enough to get scared both by the choices her young brain made in the heat of the moment and how blasĂ© you are about things that are a big, scary deal to her. Even if it was only ever going to be sex ever, treat your partners better than you did, *especially* when they’re younger than you. Better yet: don’t go after partners that young, and be respectful and caring to all your age-appropriate partners.
You’re too old for her dude lol
Sounds like she knows somebody you’ve slept with that now has an STD. One of the main women-killers is HPV, which I *think* doesn’t show up symptomatically in men at all.
Okay, so let me get this right.
1. You have a lot of unprotected sex with mostly men and now one woman. HIV has a higher risk being passed when having anal sex. Women also have a higher risk of receiving it compared to a man when it comes to hetro missionary sex.
2. You get tested but didnât want to tell her how many you have been with since you got tested. A test doesnât matter at all if you have lots of unprotected sex later. Are you taking any preventive medicine for HIV? Do you know the incubation time?
3. She obviously freaks out. She is young and probably looked up to you too much to be able to say no. Are you 100% sure she was ok with no protection? Because I doubt that she was. Did you nag her? Did she seem ok with it? I honestly donât see how anyone can be ok with it if itâs with a new person you barely know. I have been NAGGED by guys to skip the condom, and that just tells me that they care more about their own pleasure than my health. Nope.
4. Can you imagine her week now? She is probably freaking out, and you just didnât reach out. She probably regretted having unprotected sex with you and is freaking out. Yes, she is young, but you should have acted better.
Donât dismiss her as just being immature. You are the careless, irresponsible person here who shouldnât do shit like this. Of course she blocked you.
Edit: there is obviously more STIs than HIV. Syphilis has an incubation time of 3 months and they have recently found strains of it that are antibiotic resistant.
And this is obviously not a âdonât date menâ or âhiv hysteriaâ post. Do whatever you want, but you need to take your partners health seriously (especially when they are much younger and might feel pressured into agreeing). This is not ok dude.
How old are you?
You hooked up with a 20 year old. Honestly I’m impressed by her self-preservational instincts. Many young people don’t have them; that’s what makes them so attractive to predators. If you’re over 30, then you should assume that you’re going to be confused by a 20 year old’s behavior. If you didn’t assume that, you’re immature.
My guy, put a condom on ffs. We are too old for these reindeer games.
I’m not completely puritanical about age gap relationships, if handled with appropriate caution, but:
1) You don’t seem to understand that inexperienced 20 year olds are likely to be quite skittish, not only in general but also specifically around people who they perceive a massive experience gap with. This outcome should have been a foreseeable risk.
2) You didn’t insist on using protection. If you’re dating that much younger, you really should. The fact you describe her as “fine with it” makes me think you were the one to introduce the idea of not using it; if that’s true, she likely didn’t feel able to refuse.
3) The fact that she knows multiple other people you’ve slept with, and you have no idea who they are, suggests this is a trend. It’s one thing to get into an age gap relationship and another entirely to get in a habit of it.
4) She had entirely reasonable questions about your STI safety status that you were initially quite dismissive about. I realise being polyamorous probably makes it more difficult, vs monogamous people who can easily just get tested before each new partner, but you need to realise that this is an occupational hazard.
5) You’re in your late 30s and being conspicuously cagey about your age in this thread.
6) Your first responses to people pointing out the age gap are, more or less, “she was legal” and to assume people are just jealous, without any concern for the power dynamic here.
Suffice to say, this does not reassure me about the appropriate level of caution being taken.