I need some insight into this situation. What should I do?
We have been married for almost 10 years. She is a wonderful wife, I find her insanely attractive, and I find myself wanting to have sex with her anywhere from 2-4 times a week. I even still have sex dreams about her frequently. I communicate all of this.
She has a lower sex drive than me, and always generally seems much less interested in sex than me. I’ve basically always coped with this by telling myself that if I always continue down a path of self-improvement, her desire will increase. I workout and stay in shape, I work long hours to support us, I carry my weight around the house, etc.
We’re almost 10 years in, and her desire has not increased. In fact, it has steadily declined throughout the marriage. When we discuss the issue, she talks about it like there’s not actually an issue or reason. It just is what it is. This morning we were talking about it, and she angrily said “I’m never going to satisfy your sexual desires for our relationship.”
I don’t know what to think. I’m devastated. My only thought is to continue with self-improvement and hope.
32 comments
This is probably not the answer you want, but – couples counseling. Even just bringing that up may help her realize how much this is affecting you. But there’s no magic phrase that someone here can give you to make her desire you the way you desire her. Desire and sexuality are incredibly complex and situational. Without a comprehensive understanding of the history and dynamic of your marriage, we can’t really help.
Her sexual desires are fully satisfied. She sees no reason to go beyond that. She has made that clear. It isn’t a matter of making you a more desirable man.
Is there a negotiation you can have to help her see that you need her to go beyond her basic fulfillment? Marriage is compromises. Is there a compromise here?
> she talks about it like there’s not actually an issue or reason.
A lack of sex isn’t an issue when you aren’t interested in sex. As far as the reason, if you two ever had a good sex life (even if it wasn’t your ideal frequency), is likely responsive desire. Nothing is triggering her desire so it never grows into actually being interested in sex.
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>I always continue down a path of self-improvement, her desire will increase. I workout and stay in shape, I work long hours to support us, I carry my weight around the house, etc.
You have only listed things that likely to not turn her off? What do you do to turn her on?
How much of your “self improvement” is based on what you think she wants in a husband, and how much is based on your happiness as an individual?
Her needs are being met and yours aren’t. She’s fine with this. You can’t make her want to have sex with you. Lots of people in relationships with mismatched libidos make an effort to compromise in satisfying their partner even if they would prefer to have less sex. Your wife doesn’t want to do this because she isn’t interested in your needs. You need to accept that and act accordingly.
My ex said something similarly to me. She’s my ex.
(That’s why she’s my ex now) edited for clarity.
The replies to things like this are so double standard when it’s the man it’s crazy. When I read stuff like this and it’s a woman op it’s completely different
Whenever I read stuff like this I remember the number of people in committed relationships that finally realized their partners didn’t have low sex drives, they just didn’t have a high sex drive for them. Life is not all about sex, but if it is really important to you, you are definitely with the wrong person.
Well….she just told you. What are YOU going to do now?
Still young. It’s a deal breaker. Time to consider leaving instead unhappiness.
Why would it have increased over time? Generally, that is not what happens. Come on man. This is who she is.
Dude she’s being honest with you and it sounds like you’ve never listened. You are the one who has been assuming things would eventually be different – why? You don’t marry someone under the assumption that they will become a different person. You can’t housework your way into a sex life you’ve never had
If it’s not working for you, leave. There are plenty of people out there who enjoy sex. But well done wasting a decade of your life on high hopes
Your physical appearance and personality likely have nothing at all to do with her libido. She is who she is and her desire for a certain amoubt of intimicy wont changemm we have all different intensities of desire… you seemed to have known that about her and married her anyways. You can’t fault her for that now.
It’s heartbreaking for you, for sure. But you either need to learn about to handle your needs on your own, or do her the courtesy of a divorce before you cheat.
Her sexual desires are not going to change because you are working on bettering yourself.
I’m sure if you stopped helping around the house then she would have even less desire. But she is telling you that she is who she is. Her libido is not going to change. She can’t help that her sex drive is lower than yours. There literally is not a reason or a problem for her. Obviously this is a problem for you. But it’s not for her. And she’s not interested in changing it.
Stop thinking this will change. This is who she is. If it isn’t enough for you, then that’s a different conversation you guys need to have.
I suggest you both read “Mating in Captivity” and “Come as You Are” to learn more about sexual desire in stable long-term relationships. A lot of what society believes about women’s sexual desire (including women themselves) is wrong and it leads to this issue.
Research is showing that women need things to be new and exciting more so than men actually do which is why women’s drives are high in the courting phase when the man hasn’t fully committed. Stability and security lowers their interest. Generally speaking, that’s what Mating in Captivity addresses.
I think it was a mistake to take someone’s sexual desire at the start of a relationship, and assume that it would increase as the relationship goes on. that almost never happens, especially when only one person is angling for a change in desire or frequency.
I am going to give you some harsh truth, I have been married for 15 years, together for 18.
We have two kids, one is in elementary school, the other in middle school.
We both work from home, with very good jobs, I do about 75% of the housework, and about the same in taking the kids to and from activities.
We haven’t had sex in over 3 and a half years, she has zero sex drive. She has some issues with pelvic pain, but outside of that she says she doesn’t even think of sex.
Over a year and a half ago she told me about the pelvic pain, I told her we would take PIV off the table while we looked for treatment for her, but that there were plenty of other things we could do physically.
She agreed, went to two physical therapy sessions, and stopped. I have brought up her finding a new OB that specializes in pelvic pain, found one, and she has moved the appointment 4 times this year.
We have a talk about this about once every two months, she admits that it isn’t fair to me, that I pull more than my weight in the marriage and with our kids, and that I have been supportive of her and extremely patient, and she promises to work on it, for the umpteenth time.
The list time we talked about this was two weeks ago, and she has been silent on the subject again.
I say all this to tell you that if that is what your wife said, believe her.
She isn’t going to change, no matter what you do, no matter how much you go to the gym, how much money you make, she doesn’t see a problem and she isn’t going to fix it.
You are going to end up in a Dead Bedroom, your only choices are to get her to see there is an issue and go to therapy, accept it, or leave.
“My wife has told me that my self improvement won’t change her libido. I’m going to just keep working on my self improvement and see if she’s lying to me/deluding herself even though that hasn’t worked up til now and she sure seems to be telling the truth.”
It is possible that if this has always been your focus there is a lot of unexplored possibility left on the table, and a lot you could still try together. If and only if she is open to it and considers it worthwhile. On this sub, it’s often suggested that folks read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski to get a better grasp of the basics of how women’s sexuality can work, including how low desire can work. Would you consider starting there?
Changing yourself is never going to change her, since her lack of sex drive has nothing to do with you. It is simply her nature. Changing other people never works anyway. Ultimately all we can do is accept someone the way they are, or create space in our life for someone new. Would you both be interested in opening up the relationship so you could get your needs met by someone else?
Your issue isn’t that her sex drive is somewhat lower than yours, the issue is that she’s completely unwilling to discuss ways she can help satisfy you sexually beyond her own personal satisfaction. There are many ways to help get your partner off that don’t necessitate having sex out of obligation, but they’re all contingent on her *actually wanting to sexually satisfy you*.
It’s not going to change her sexual desire. She’s right. It’s not a transactional relationship. One thing doesn’t equal another.
My man, you are experiencing Nice Guy Syndrome, where you think doing more or doing better will change her behavior. It won’t. There’s no amount of dishes you can do to increase her libido.
You should consider cutting the rope while you are still young. Accept it buddy, she has made it very clear to you that she will never meet your sexual desires. She just doesn’t care
You still have many years ahead of you.
She communicated with you where she’s willing to meet you at sexually. You have the choice to either divorce her while you’re still young and find someone who actually enjoys sex with you, OR continue staying in a relationship that clearly makes you unhappy.
The choice seems pretty simple to me, at least.
It will only get worse. Accept it or get out.
Harsh to say, but you need to be willing to leave. She needs to WANT to satisfy your needs , even if she doesn’t have a natural drive to. If you leaving doesn’t trigger that, then nothing will. So if you ever want your desires satisfied plan to leave, and plan to actually go through with it, bc the chances of it flipping a switch with her are close to zero.
OP, check out r/HLCommunity for advice on relationships with high libido and low libido.
I know a lot of people here are telling you this is how she is and that she will never change. That may be the case. But I’m going to give the unpopular opinion that sex drive CAN change over time if certain things are dealt with.
My sex drive is way higher than it used to be. (late 40s F) I went from not really caring at all about it to actually desiring it a couple of times a day. Some things that really helped me:
1. Visiting a pelvic floor physical therapist. Sex was meh to painful in part because of the way my muscles were functioning. Just a couple of visits and things improved greatly.
2. Using a vibrator. Actually understanding how my body responded to sexual stimuli was huge.
3. As mentioned in other responses, learning more about my own anatomy. I mean, it can’t hurt for you and her to take a refresher course on all the bits and pieces. You didn’t say if SHE enjoys sex. Maybe that’s part of the issue. When I didn’t enjoy it, I didn’t want it. Now that I actually do enjoy it, I want it. Right?
4. Consider any past sexual trauma, religious trauma, family trauma, etc. I had a bunch of that crap to deal with and working through that made everything so much better.
I guess what I’m saying is that there’s still work to be done. Yes, you being fit and a good provider is really sexy and may make for some added sexy time. But that’s not going to change her sex drive.
I can’t tell you what to do. But I can say: you shouldn’t have to keep continuing with self-improvement as a solution for this. We can always continue to improve, of course. And that’s a lovely thing. But… *you* aren’t the problem.
EDIT: I’m not trying to imply *she* is the problem. But rather, something else is the issue. To fix it, you both need to be willing and able to explore the solution.
wake up and face the reality. This will forever be a gap in your relationship. Either accept it and find a way to deal with it or Get out. You get to choose.
If you do what I have done, you will end up making bad choices because you suppressed and didn’t communicate and end up resenting each other.
When I was at my MOST exhausted stage in my marriage (after having kids and going to nursing school) the LAST thing on my mind was fucking sex… I had been pawed by my kids/toddlers and had to touch other people (hospital clinical placements) already, I just couldn’t FATHOM having to service one. more. fucking. person. Because it was just going to cause me to expend more energy I didn’t have. When my sex drive started to return around 40, our sex life was better. I still have a high libido and I’ll be 50 next month. For some women they get it back, but honestly I had to put some effort in to remember I liked it 😉
I have been you.
I was with my wife since we were 17. We had some decent sex early on, but it was her letting me do things. She never had any desires or fantasies. I, like you would’ve loved to have sex with her everyday. I did everything around the house, cooked, cleaned, spoilt her. I bullshited myself, as you are, that she would see how much I do, see what is important to me, and put some effort into our sexlife. She never did.
After 20 years together we broke up for other reasons. But who is to say that the underlying issues from our non-matching libidos didn’t play a part. Because we very rarely had sex, that was all I wanted. She resented me for always wanting sex, I resented her for not getting sex.
I think you should get a divorce. You seem like a horny dude. You will never be sexually fulfilled in your current relationship. No matter how much you fantasise it and want it to happen.
> My only thought is to continue with self-improvement and hope.
I am so sorry, but that is not going to help. It’s not about you, and it has never been about you. This is who she is. You have to decide if you can live with it or not. I am in the same boat somewhat, I am wild for my partner and all my sex dreams are about him, when I masturbate I come thinking of him, but his libido is WAAAAAY lower than mine. It sucks, because I want HIM.
Just wanted you to know it’s not a YOU thing.
She sounds sexually incompatible with you. A higher sex drive in your wife isn’t something you can earn through doing stuff around the house and keeping fit. It’s what you said. She’s not that into sex, and she can’t change that. She’s angry because you keep trying to make it happen.
So you have 3 choices:
1. Less sex than you want.
2. Ethical monogamy/other outside-the-box ways of getting your needs satisfied while remaining married.
3. Divorce.
Why not talk to your wife and say that you acknowledge she wants less sex than you do, and you aren’t going to keep pushing/trying to earn sex, but you don’t want to go through life sexually unsatisfied. Then brainstorm with her about what to do next. Maybe with the help of a family therapist or sex therapist?
I used to have a very low libido as well but now that I’m on my 40s, my libido has skyrocketed.
Things which changed:
Sex is no longer painful (had persistent thrush).
No longer on birth control.
We’ve created variety in our sex life.
Children are older and more independent.
I’ve grown as a person and learnt how important sex is to my husband to keep our relationship.
I no longer have a negative body image.
The more sex I give him, the more sex I want. It’s like a domino effect.