I won’t go into the full details but I was in a long distance relationship that broke down. Most of the reason it broke down was because my partner kept working all the time (on an oil rig) for upto a month at a time and I couldn’t communicate with him properly, and he neglected my needs.
When things finally broke down, he told me repeatedly to go and kill myself and he hopes I die (he knows I was struggling with my mental health at that time).
This was back in March. It took him a couple of months but now he is in therapy, weekly, and appears genuinely sorry for what he said. He wants to get back with me and says he will wait for me as long as possible and that in the mean time he will continue to go to therapy.
I’ve found it so excruciating to move on from him, I’ve tried therapy which has helped, I’ve travelled, I’m reconnecting with my own life etc and feel a lot better.
But I do feel an overwhelming, lingering love for him, and we still speak often. I’m not making excuses for him but he has a lot of trauma from his childhood that he never got help for, and I only found out the extent of some of it since we broke up and he has gone to get help.
I’m just scared because what he said and how handled our break up initially really affected me, and I worry it would happen again.
I guess my question just is, can some things be fixed -even if they became toxic and abusive, if both people are committed to making it work and doing their own work to heal? Or am I just being ridiculous?
33 comments
If you’re scared and worried, don’t go back. You’re fragile, he seems to be fragile, you’ll both end up hurting each other. Maybe subconsciously but it’s not worth the limited upside
Move on. Why you want to be with someone that would say that to you? There are other, more available men out there that will treat you with respect, even when things don’t work out. Even being alone is better than crawling back to your trash ex.
You cannot fix him. If he hadn’t gotten help in all this time it’s not a priority. I think you should see therapy or continue if you already are.
There is not any coming back from this. It is as toxic as one can get without violence and probably you both need to go your separate ways.
Next take a look at what you want. You had mental health problems due to the traveling nature of his job, and somehow that will change? The nature of O&G is absolutely devastating to relationships. It’s just how it is.
Good luck in whatever you do.
Respectfully, how do you expect to get over him if you’ve still been in contact? No wonder you still have lingering feelings for him. I understand, truly i do, but I think going cold-turkey (and that includes no lurking his socials) will really help you truly heal and move on. And also therapy if that’s an option right now. Best of luck, break ups can be so hard.
No coming back from this. You must move on.
>>he neglected my needs…he traveled up to a month at a time [presumably this will continue]…toxic and abusive…told me to go kill myself…
You could have the most stellar stalwart mental health, and this would still be a relationship to avoid.
>>…lingering love…
Love is not enough to maintain a long term relationship. Not even close.
Abusive people rarely, rarely change. They can apologize and make it look like they are changing, but they need to change for themselves and not for you. You were struggling with your mental health and he pushed you down even further. Continue your own therapy (highly recommend EMDR), continue building your life back up for yourself, and move on from this person. Trauma bonding can be very intense and cause an addiction to them. You aren’t feeling lingering love, you are feeling the trauma bond. Your fear of the cycle repeating with this person is very real and you should move on for your own safety. You need to be on your own right now in order to feel your own self love and to heal. You deserve a lot more than what this person can give you, and intuitively you know that.
So chances are he may see things get better and you accept him back then he will stop going to therapy and the process will repeat… then you’ll feel terrible and scared when he repeats the process trying to manipulate and use your trauma against you and repeat the things he said
Don’t matter how much money he makes in that rig, it sounds like your needs aren’t being met as long as he has that job…. That’s just rig life.
Set your boundaries if you decided to try again but chances are that it won’t work out again…
OP, even if he is in therapy, this person has a long way to go for “THEMSELF.” This person needs to put himself first for his treatment not for you.
What he said to you is something one cannot recover from because how little your feelings and life was taken in consideration during his episode.
Lastly, your needs were not met based on his job schedule. Don’t put your needs to the side when you know you need more emotional support than he can provide.
Sometimes people look good on paper but not good when they apply what was written
Here’s what I like to do, flip the roles, is there any scenario you would say those same things to him?
If not, I think it would take yearssss of growth and them proving they are different before I’d even consider it.
Imagine yourself saying those same things, how would you feel, what would you do to make it right. Most people it stops right there because would never talk to a partner they care about like that.
That’s disgusting. Please just leave him alone. He wants to get back with you because then he won’t actually have to become a better person. He’ll know the line is telling you to off yourself and he’ll just keep going up to that and even beyond it. And then where will you be?
absolutely not.
Don’t cling onto something broken.
If this happened in your early 20s and you could go back and speak to yourself, you would be screaming at yourself to not fall for it and let go.
We hold on for different reasons as we get older, but don’t be that 40+ year old wanting to go back and scream at your 30 year old self
Should I slap your face so you can wake up?
>When things finally broke down, he told me repeatedly to go and kill myself and he hopes I die (he knows I was struggling with my mental health at that time).
This… Would you like to hear it again? Please say no
Um, nope. Kind of hard to come back from “Kill yourself.”
I went through a similar breakup (we didn’t tell each other to kill themselves, but there was a lot of damage done). I don’t think there would be any hope of reconciliation even if we wanted there to be. Too much bad blood and if I’m being honest, no relationship is worth the work it would have taken to get us to a healthy space.
I’m really sorry but you’re going to have to move on from this.
Move on. Absolutely no coming back from this. Go no contact for both his and your own good. I only mention it’s for his own good because you seem to care more about him than yourself. Get more therapy. There is nothing good about this situation.
Uh no. Lose this trash bag and stay in therapy. The things he said to you are literally unforgivable.
I’m curious to know why you even want to “come back” from this.
What’s going on here that makes you *want* to be in a relationship with this person? Do you even think you’d be happy with this person?
Even if he hadnt told you to kill yourself, and was a perfect partner, it sounds like you cant handle the reality of his work anyways.
He’s abusive and you shouldnt give it a chance, but even if he wasnt, it seemed like you werent compatible anyways.
NO – abandon any optimism in this situation. People can work on things but they can’t change 100% and in EVERY situation that will ever come up.
Your question on if it can work: its possible. But I don’t think that’s the right question here, because that’s counting on a change that may never happen. Something I’ve been hearing a lot later (and that I agree with) is that you have to ask yourself “If they never change from who they are in this moment, will I be ok with it? For however long this relationship lasts?” To hope for that change, to take them back hoping for them to change, is to deny who they are at the current moment. And that’s not a great way to get back together.
So give him the time and space to work on himself. Perhaps, in the future, he’ll change. But that’s the future, and we have to pay attention the present (& who they are right now), not who they may or may not become.
It’s really easy to fall into the trap of wanting to give them a pass or help them through their childhood trauma. It doesn’t work though. I spent almost 10 years allowing my needs to be neglected and excuseing bad behavior towards me because of his childhood trauma. I wanted so badly to give him the love he hadn’t gotten and help him heal. In the end while the trauma was very much real and the parental behavior ongoing once you’re past your mid to late 20s you’ve either made a choice to be a better person or not. He has agency and his current behavior is performative. Hurt people hurt people but they do have a choice to be better, he chose not to be.
I absolutely understand how you feel. I VERY recently just got out a relationship in which I was physically threatened multiple times with increasing intensities, he regularly used my insecurities and anxieties to put me down and to be purposefully nasty during conflicts. This had been going on for so long and I felt just like you. Like I still loved him and like he loved me and that if only he’d work on himself we’d get better and be happy again. I was so utterly wrong. Please don’t go back to someone like this. You deserve so much more. Someone who would never even dream of saying things like that to you.
Are you in therapy? If not, please consider going. If you are, make sure you really connect and feel comfortable with your therapist. I finally started seeing a therapist I truly trust and connect with about a year ago and it has been a game changer for me. I started off so low, with almost zero self esteem and love for myself. I have come so far and it’s definitely a huge part of why I was finally able to leave the relationship I was in for good. I’ve cut off all contact and literally the minute I did I felt an immense relief. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Please love yourself, look out for yourself, and do not go back to this relationship in any way.
You can love someone and realize they are no good for you.
> When things finally broke down, he told me repeatedly to go and kill myself and he hopes I die (he knows I was struggling with my mental health at that time).
“Is there any coming back?”
Nope.
He told you to go end yourself. F this guy to the moon! You cannot be with someone in a supportive way until you are well yourself – that goes for both of you! Stop contacting him, move on, work on yourself
It sounds like you’re struggling with codependency. Not love. Please think about why you would want to be with someone that said something like that to you. Make a detailed list of what you want in a partner, how you want to be treated, and then make a list of the way he treated you.
Go through it. See how awful things were. And then keep going to therapy and bring the lists.
No. There is no going back. He is not the one for you. I promise.
girl MOVE ON. he is not the last man on earth. there is ZERO reason to give someone a 2nd chance, especially when they acted so unforgivably to you. end things and block him and schedule some therapy to work on your self worth because this should not be something you would even consider for a moment
Please leave. Nothing good will come out of it if you stay except for some damage to your own mental health if you’re a masochist.
For somebody to say such a horrible thing to someone they care about, they must be very mentally unwell. He needs to go through some massive changes in therapy before considering dating anyone again.
The lingering love you have is probably your savior complex.
Coming from someone not in your situation who can view this without emotions attached – please don’t go back to him. What he said was inexcusable. If you go back, he’ll just learn that he can get away with saying things like that to you. If you really care about him and want him to focus on becoming a better person, then you should leave for good so that he is forced to realize that actions and words have consequences. Leaving would be good for both of you.
Lots of other great comments, but just wanted to echo the general sentiment – you’re worth so much more than this.
> I do feel an overwhelming, lingering love for him
I definitely felt this love for my previous partner for a long time after we split… When I suggested she seek professional help for her accumulating list of (diagnosed) mental illnesses, she made threats to kill herself and suggested that I was to blame for her feeling that way. You can feel this love, and still know that the only way to keep yourself safe is to not be around this person. Going no-contact with my ex is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with in my life, but it was so necessary as part of the healing and moving on process. I hope you can come to a place of healing also.
​
>he told me repeatedly to go and kill myself and he hopes I die
Absolutely fucking not. Block him everywhere, because that’s how YOU (not this relationship) will come back.
I personally don’t think it’s worth it to ever come back to a person who has told you to kill yourself. It’s great that he’s in therapy to address those issues, but it’s going to take FARRRRR more time than three months to get to the root causes of his behavior and heal from that. It will take years of constant work. Not to mention that is about one of the most vile things a person could possibly tell someone. He knows you struggle with mental illness and he utilized that as a weapon against you. He knew your weaknesses and EXPLOITED them to the max because HE wanted YOU to hurt. A complete lack of empathy for you and absolutely not something a loving person would EVER do. Wish him well with the continued therapy, but if you go back, he’ll just think “oh she took me back, saying that stuff about killing herself must not have been a big deal after all.” No, you let him know that what he said absolutely was not okay and that there’s no return from that. Let him live with that lesson so he never treats another woman so poorly. There are men out there who wouldn’t even dream of saying something so vile to you even on their darkest days.