So I hadn’t refilled my water bottle and he called me useless for it in a nasty manor. Not a sarcastic ‘useless!’ It was more like a ‘yep , useless’ after I said I haven’t filled the bottle up yet,
I asked him not to call me useless as he knows it’s something that gets to me and we have spoken about it before and I have a thing of feeling useless constantly.
He said he was just ‘joking’ I shouldn’t take it to heart, and said people say things and I shouldn’t take it seriously!
But he’s my partner? He’s not just a random person. He’s someone who loves me more than anything so why act like everyone else?
He knows I’ve been going to therapy and that I’m feeling useless and not worthy which me and my therapist have been trying to change and he calls me useless? He was not joking but now I’m in the wrong because I should have took it as a joke . Why throw insults to offend but then make it out as it was JUST a joke and I’m the one in the wrong.
He does this a lot then acts like it never happened and will do it again in the future.
I know what a joke is, we often have banter with eachother so maybe I’ve took it to heart? But he will probably call me useless again in the future as he knows it hurts me and uses it as ammunition…
Please tell me kindly if I’m exaggerating
*edit
We have been in a relationship for 7 years and he’s probably been like this for about 6 years.
25 comments
So your boyfriend
A) says things that he knows are hurtful to you, and
B) when you tell him it is hurtful and ask him to stop, tells you basically that you are not supposed to be hurt by the hurtful things he says and that he has no intention of stopping.
Someone who cared about you and liked you would not do either of those things. My suggestion is that you not date people who don’t care about you.
You are not exaggerating, Op.
I’m thinking, you going to therapy to work on yourself (useless, self-esteem,etc) is making him feel insecure. When you start to feel productive, worthwhile, secure and self-sufficient…he will lose power over you, yes? That scares him. He doesn’t WANT you to feel good about yourself. He doesn’t want you to feel productive, worthwhile, secure and self-sufficient.
He wants you to feel “useless” so you will look to him for what you should do, not do, depend on HIM for what HE wants you to do.
He doesn’t want a strong and secure woman who has her own opinions, thoughts and will do what is best for HER.
I would rethink this relationship, Op.
You’ve been with this guy since you were 16.
He says things that make you feel bad. He knows that will make you feel bad. You know he isn’t going to apologize. You know he’s going to do it again.
So like, stop? This guy is abusive and you don’t have to be with him? You can be with someone who is in love with you who doesn’t call you useless?
Personally, I feel like he’s negging you or he truly feels you are inferior. Either way, if you want to stay, I would just ask him to repeat himself when he says that,
Yep, useless.
Excuse me, what did you just say? Don’t say anything else, just let the silence linger.
He will back peddle and hopefully stop bc you aren’t taking it anymore.
If he responds with the same thing, people seldom don’t say the exact same words, but will try to sugar coat it. Then you say, so you’re saying I am useless?
He will then correct himself or try to say it’s a joke. Then you just say, ok. And that’s it, just ok. You’ve made it clear it’s rude and hurts your feelings. There isn’t anymore reason to argue or defend yourself.
Generally I believe that if you’ve said to someone “hey, when you [make that joke, tell that story, etc] it hurts me and I’d appreciate it if you stopped,” and they don’t stop…well, they’re telling you a lot about how much they value you.
Do not stay with someone who treats you this way.
> He knows I’ve been going to therapy and that I’m feeling useless and not worthy
> We have been in a relationship for 7 years and he’s probably been like this for about 6 years
Well, no doubt it’s a huge part of why you need a therapist. The therapist keeps trying to build you up, then boyfriend tears you down again. He sounds like a charmer.
I know you’ve been together since high school and it’s probably difficult to imagine not being with him, but is this how you want to live your life?
Yeah, he’s not joking. That’s abusive language.
My partner used to do this to me. He would blame shift and make me the problem when I called him out. Please look up DARVO.
You deserve better. You are worthy of so much. Just for being you.
Honey, you are not useless, your BF is verbally abusive!
Break up and continue therapy!
So… my parents are in their 60s, and my dad still does this to my mom. It’s an awful dynamic. I would highly recommend leaving because he’s not going to change, you’ll be wasting your money on therapy, and you’ll still be dealing with this until one of you initiates divorce (won’t be him – he will try to you drive you out first) or dies.
He’s been like this for six years? Honey, he is no longer joking. He is abusive. Please consider leaving.
You sound exhausting.
He is not going to change. Have you ever thought that he is the reason you need therapy? If you shed this dead weight, I bet your life would improve dramatically.
He doesn’t love you. No one who loved you would do this. You know this. He’s not the one. He’s not the love of your life. He’s just the first guy you got serious with and he spent most of your relationship making you feel worse about yourself.
You don’t deserve to be treated like this. You deserve to be with someone who would protect you from someone like him.
“But he probably will call me useless again in the future as he knows it hurts me and uses is as ammunition”. I’m sorry, but this is clearly someone who does not respect you and actually enjoys abusing you. I’m also sorry if you are stuck in this relationship and feel like you can’t leave for whatever reasons, but it is PARAMOUNT for your well-being to leave this person. Get out, get out, get OUT. Whether it was the most silliest name that he called you , and you didn’t like it, if he genuinely respected you it would have came to a complete halt right there. Not to mention one you are going to therapy over bc you believe it to be true, which it is not one bit.
For six years he’s mocked you and insulted you under the guise it’s a joke? He willfully hurts you. He uses phrases with the sole intent of damage.
You’re not his girlfriend, you’re his punching bag. What do you need to see in order to leave this horrid situation? You deserve better.
It’s like you are fighting cancer and he’s smoking and blowing it in your face.
He knows he is damaging you. That’s the point. He wants you weak and damaged because it puts him in control.
He knows he isn’t joking.
You are worthy of putting yourself first. It’s okay to break up with him. It’s more than okay, it’s the smart thing to do.
That’s about six years too long.
The reason redditors have a reputation for saying ‘leave/divorce’ is because of posts like this. ‘My partner is abusive, gaslights me and tries to shove me down as low as I can go and then gets mad and has a hissy fit when I ask him not to be abusive. What do I do?’ LEAVE. I’m truly sorry but he doesn’t love you more than anything. Leave and find someone who will.
Stop wasting your life on people who don’t care about you .
Wait til you have to pepper spray him!!! I was with a guy like this for 6 years and it gradually got worse with the final straw being: I was in my car with the windows rolled up quietly talking to my banks about my change of address and a few other questions and he had a screaming fit in the parking lot…a lot of foul words. I hung up my call and slowly walked over to him and asked “Are you Okay?” I couldn’t imagine why at 6:30 am he had the need to scream his guts out!!! He then called the police and told them I was screaming in the parking lot and he wanted to file charges on me. I was too shocked to say anything. Then he tried to punch me in the face but I ducked. Then he started kicking my car doors and at that point I pepper sprayed him….NO he wasn’t drunk, hadn’t had alcohol in a week…No he doesn’t do drugs…He DOES have end stage liver failure, tho…But it’s no excuse for his actions, sorry!!! He keeps calling me to apologize and to chat but I hang up on him…3 weeks now…he could be dying but he really swung at me to hit me 4 times not just once that morning and a week earlier he pushed my head into a wall a bunch of times so it might end like this.
LEAVE HIM SAVE THE REST OF YEARS
Why are you choosing to stay with someone you know is purposely hurting you.
I advise you to separate from him immediately, he is suppressing and controlling you