I’m 25f and I’ve been dating this guy 26m for over 9 months.
He states that he hasn’t been in a relationship in a long time and none were long relationships, but I am different than most girls he’s experienced.
He only asked me on one occasion (5 months ago) if I was ready for a relationship (I was in a long term relationship of 5 years prior). I explained that I wasn’t sure if I am yet and he never brought up the subject again.
So this is our situationship
Multiple (over 10) times we end up in bed naked and sex never happens after me making moves and trying to initiate it. I literally will be on top of him naked, making out with him, with his penis against my vagina and he doesn’t make a move or try to have sex but sometimes he isn’t even hard during those times. And if he does get an erection he has an inability to keep it. On only one occasion he brought up that he should bring a condom next time and I explained it’s up to him if he wants to use it but I am on birth control.
At times, more times than not when I am jerking him off or giving him head for some foreplay and he gets soft. Every time I left feeling awkward with no explanation from him so I end up stopping what I was doing and feeling disappointed. I think why does he even get naked if not gonna do anything? I know we need to talk about it if I want to continue dating him but l would think by know he would know the kind of person I am and talk about any issues he’s experiencing with me.
Sometimes after I try to initiate it and fail while we are laying next to each other in bed I notice he is touches his own dick and tries to jerk off (or make himself hard?). I feel a little uncomfortable with this, like he needs his own touch to get hard and I can’t help with it.
He does smoke weed a lot and vapes it the whole time I’m with him, if that has any affect on it. He stopped for a month or two due to getting different jobs and this did not change anything sexually. He told me once before he is on an antidepressant and mood stabilizer which I know can affect one sexually. I began wondering if he’s a virgin, nervous, asexual or just not into me. He doesn’t seem very sexually confident at all. So after making moves and trying to initiate sex multiple times I am left kind of turned off also because he doesn’t do anything else to try to satisfy me. Maybe I am just holding onto something that isn’t there. I just wonder how or if he is happy with our situation.
Just looking for a little bit of help of what you all think about his behavior and this situation or if I’m doing anything wrong. Thank you for reading this all and thanks in advance for your help.
21 comments
The weed is most likely causing a lot of the problem, he also might have death grip from over masturbating before meeting you. You need a serious conversation about it so you can get the problem out in the open.
Maybe try having him not smoke pot for 24 hours if he can and see if that helps.
Between the self-medication, the actual medication, the apathy in the situation, the one-off comment on bringing protection, and the fact that he’s still with you:
I’m presuming it’s not that he’s “not into you”. It’s been 9 months, why would he still be with you if he didn’t want *you*?
He could be asexual, likely nervous due to this happening more than a couple times, and/or a virgin. None of those are mutually exclusive. What you could do is have a genuine conversation with him that doesn’t seek to blame or seek retribution.
“I enjoy when we’re intimate, and sometimes I wonder if there’s anything I can do to make you more comfortable? I’m really excited for us to go through this together, what are your thoughts?” If he shrugs it off, maybe bring up sexual drive/libido to eventually get into the asexual conversation. The virgin comments likely aren’t needed as long as both parties are comfortable and engaged. Nervousness can be addressed by showing that you’re not trying to rush him.
Do not put a “time” on this. (“It’s been months”, “Let’s do this now”, etc.)
Try just stating exactly what you want. The medication can make erections difficult and he is probably self conscious about that as well. Be clear with a sincere approach.
Could he be trying to figure out his sexuality?
I guarantee you that it is 100% not your fault. Obviously since he can’t talk and communicate, this is what I see is going on….
The first is the failure to communicate, that’s key in a relationship. The second is the medication he’s currently taking could really be causing all of this. I was on the same combo of meds for 10 years, and I had no desire for anything sexual ever. Last year I changed that and I feel like I have the drive I had in my 20s.
You need to sit down with him and start the communication. No need to be hostile, just start talking calmly about what you’re noticing. Also, communicate your needs.
OP….
Dont take this the wrong way….but what are you getting out of this relationship?
That’s ridiculous, ain’t nothing to save here, just move on….
You need to talk with him about it (if you feel it’s safe to do so) and decide what to do after that. Otherwise, you’re making decisions without good information. Start there.
Another possibility : maybe he just doesn’t to be alone, and it’s the reason he is still with you. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. You have tried to stimulate him and nothing happened, even getting the chance of having sex without condom he didn’t want it. You have tried to talk with him but he has been a little vague with the explanations. He needs to be more honest with you. I hope you could solve this issue soon.
You are in your prime. I wouldn’t be wasting it on this situationship.
He maybe really into guys and you maybe just a front for now, until he is ready to make a decision or not. I know of women that were in marriages like this. They ended up divorcing.
Welcome to most men’s lifes of a person not overtly interested in sex.
He is not getting hard as he is not sexually attracted. Find another bloke .
There could be any number of reasons why he’s not into sex with you but unless you want to be his doctor/therapist/psychiatrist or push him to see one, I would recommend moving on. This is usually a very hard problem to solve and you absolutely need his cooperation which may not be forthcoming. There are men out there who are dying to tear your clothes off when alone with you.
He gay
There could be a lot of potential things going on that could lead to him not being interested in sex. Sounds like his self medicating with weed and antidepressants could be affecting it as well. Some things to consider/think of is:
1. He could be experiencing low testosterone.
2. He could be experiencing confusion with his sexuality.
3. (I haven’t seen this come up in the comments yet, maybe it’s a stretch to consider) Maybe there’s sexual trauma that has happened in his past.
Regardless of his reasons for his interest, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you so please don’t be so harsh on yourself. Its time for you two to have a serious situation down conversation about the topic. It sounds like the two of you aren’t sexually compatible. If that’s the case you two can work together to improve the situation, consider opening the relationship to take care of physical needs, or break up.
If he is on weed and antidepressants then he needs to tell his doctor that he is having erectile dysfunction. The will either adjust his meds or prescribe an E.D. med like viagra. When I was on antidepressants years ago. There was one that would make it difficult to get hard and another one would make it almost impossible to orgasm… They can cause big sexual issues. His doctor will know what to do.
I am a female dating a female and I have the exact same issue. I do a lot of weed, been on antidepressants, smoked, and been really depressed too. Also, I would say I am not that confident sexually. My body is not ugly but not as pretty as my gf’s. I think I was sexually assaulted.
And besides all of that I love my girl and she is the hottest girl ever and I like her so much.
But I can’t turn on when we are in bed. And we’ve been almost a year and a half.
I am obviously the problem. Not my girl. And same too you. Maybe your boyfriend is on his own shit and does not know either why he can’t get turned on.
Maybe talk about it or go to a sex therapist 🙂
Or maybe just him and once he is okay to talk to, he will 🙂
It’s not your fault girl. I am sure he likes you and loves you, maybe he is a but scared.
Good luck!
Obviously, you are in a complicated and sensitive situation. I strongly recommend that (if you BOTH want to try to create/salvage your relationship) you see a Sex Therapist. NOT a relationship therapist – a Sex Therapist.
Best of luck to you both.
Sounds like he has performance anxiety, perhaps he was heavily criticised in the past and he’s just so shut down now due to the anxiety of it…
OR
there are medical conditions where the valve that holds the blood into the penis while erect doesn’t work. The blood actually flows back down and out and they go flaccid. Most men and women have no idea that this is a condition that exists and men will just struggle their whole lives because they don’t go and see a specialist that can fix this with surgery.
Sometimes my girlfriend texts me and I get aroused just thinking about her. If you’re naked and rubbing against him and he’s not aroused…he’s not into you
Maybe give the guy a break . Maybe he has issues with down below , some guys be under pressure to perform and remain hard for 20/30min . You need to ask him honestly about what’s going on and how you can help him keep it hard . Maybe direct him into having sex . Take control, grab it and put it in lol if he doesn’t like that maybe he’s gay lol