Me(M19) and my partner (F18) have been dating for over 9 months and things are really going strong. But whenever she goes out to bars/beaches/restaurants with her cousins/friends my FOMO kicks in and I get anxious. It’s not like she goes out often, but when she does the same happens
She is the most empathetic person that I’ve ever known, and I’ve made it known that I kinda get anxious when she goes out(didn’t make the extent of it known because I’II feel like an asshole if I do so) and she said that she would reduce the frequency of her going out, which made me feel like the shittiest person out there!
Now after this conversation, she has gone out to one of the exotic tourist hotspots of the country(where she has her relatives) with her cousins and my anxiety is off the roof. I’ve been acting cold towards her since she has gone there and making all the plans in which I wish I was a part of! I trust her more than myself, and our relationship is the strongest thing that there is, but I can’t stop feeling FOMO, since
also considering I haven’t been out as much as her and experienced stuff as much as her.
I know she will never give me a reason to ever doubt her, but I can’t help stop this feeling; I have never asked her to not go or not do anything, but I’ve made it known that I would like her not to, and her being the nicest person that there is always put our interests ahead of what she actually wants. I give backhanded remarks when she speaks about going out which I hate but can’t help
I’ve always made it known that I’m the one at fault here, having FOMO and preferring for her to not go out, but she defends me saying that I have a right to feel so and she justifies what I feel; And I think that I know she would say this and that’s the only reason that I share this so that she can justify, i.e, locking herself even more and I feel I kind of am manipulative
She doesn’t deserve this, she deserves better.
I realize that I’m an asshole but desperately need help/advice to deal with this, I want to cry my heart out knowing I’ve found a gem of a person but my own thoughts(maybe paranoia)/FOMO anxiety is ruining my mental peace
(I can’t read what I typed so please Imk if more context is needed anywhere)
TLDR: Advice to deal with FOMO when gf goes out
7 comments
I’m not sure you’re using FOMO correctly here. Your issue isn’t that you’re sad that you’re missing something fun, it’s that you’re insecure about her doing something you don’t approve of.
>I’ve been acting cold towards her
A DEEPLY inappropriate response to someone living their life. Your job as her partner is to discuss things honestly and calmly with her, not harbor insecurity and then make it her problem.
>I give backhanded remarks when she speaks about going out which I hate but can’t help
You CAN help it. With this one little tip: Shutting your mouth. Haven’t you heard the phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? STOP BEING NASTY TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR HAVING HER OWN LIFE. That is SO disgusting.
You know that in a relationship where you’re MEAN to her when she does stuff you don’t like, when she says “oh you’re mad so it’s ok i’m going to stay home instead”, she’s not being “the nicest person in the world”, she’s being MANIPULATED and thinks that in order not to upset the person she loves, she needs to stay home. That’s not a healthy relationship dynamic.
What’s happening here is a classic YOU-problem and YOU need to resolve it without involving HER. Get yourself to a therapist and work on figuring out how to fix your shit before you do actual damage to this girl with your behavior. Being anxious or insecure is not an excuse to treat the people around you like shit.
This is not Fear Of Missing Out, this is “My girlfriend might fuck someone else.”
Stop calling it FOMO.
You are convinced that your girlfriend is going to cheat and you are making her pay for it.
I don’t think this is FOMO, this is a deep rooted insecurity you’re dealing with. I highly suggest getting into therapy to work through these issues.
Making comments about “not liking her going out” or backhanded remarks may seem like nothing but they’re actually a form of emotional abuse. She seems like a sweet girl, but her people pleasing tendencies are counterproductive here.
Glad you are recognizing there’s an issue, but you don’t need to make your issue, her issue. This is a solid recipe for resentment brewing on both sides, but mostly her.
You need to find out how to get to a more emotionally stable place and tackle the insecurities
FOMO… is that a term that means you are a jealous, controlling ass that emotionally batters your girlfriend when she dares to go out without you?
You have complete control over your behavior. You actually can help making backhanded remarks. Nothing is compelling you to speak, so stop trying to let yourself off the hook by claiming you cannot help it. Stop making your insecurities her problem by making sly little digs when she dares to leave your presence. Your anxiety is your own to manage, and until you can do so without weaponizing it against someone you care about, don’t be in a relationship.
That’s my advice. Break up, work on yourself, stop allowing yourself the excuse that you cannot help the behavior you choose.
To avoid FOMO and then projecting FOMO onto future partners create your own hobbies and space to go out. Focus on finding friends to creat memories with. All that jazz. Otherwise you’re going to resent your future partner and / or be codependent on your future partner.
These are your feelings of insecurity and lack of confidence within yourself that isn’t her responsibility. You’re young so it’s possible you haven’t had the best kind of role models or guides to teach you how NOT to project those feelings onto someone else. You feel guilt so that’s a good starting place.
This is simple.
Go to the gym, gain confidence for yourself.
Start focusing on your career and be passionate about what you want to do it and how you going to achieve this.
Do not let anything stop you from attaining there goals.
Start making new friends and expand your network while you are young. Your network is going to be important for you down the road whether it be career, investment opportunities or relationships.
You guys are too young to understand what are boundaries until both of you experience what is a boundary vs what is not.
She sounds like a gem, dude. You have to find your own interests, friends, things that you like to do regardless of your relationship status. You can feel FOMO and not act out, you gotta work on that too, before you run her off.