Something I (22M) noticed last week is that after my coworker (22M) made a very offensive comment towards another coworker (21F), which she seemed to be very angry about, she seemingly forgave and forgot within a couple hours despite him being utterly unapologetic, and was taking pictures with him for her snap story when we went out.
By contrast, she’s still mad at me for doing an assignment we were put on together last minute, because we both got chewed out for being irresponsible when she felt it was entirely because of me (which I don’t disagree with). I apologized multiple times for being irresponsible but she’s still very irritable towards me even two weeks later. This seems to be a pattern where when I have a disagreement with people, it’s like there’s a permanent rift between us that’s never mended.
Any ideas as to why some people get forgiven quickly and others seem to always get the cold shoulder after an infraction?
40 comments
It could be that forgiveness is subjective and influenced by personal dynamics and individual perceptions of apologies and responsibility.
She really likes him and wants to remain in his good graces. If you tried your hardest , you shouldn’t care either. Don’t apologize so much at work if you’re doing your best.
Too many factors at play to give this a simple answer. The nature of the action, how it was viewed, the nature of both people involved. It could even come down to what each person looks like or their charisma.
Could be several things in this instance, none of us are her so we couldn’t begin to see through her eyes. First thing that comes to mind is, she’s confident in herself and a comment towards her character didn’t impact much but from a social perspective she had to defend herself/ perform an act to set a boundary for the future, or she is friendly with that person outside that interaction and it’s an easy brush off. However, most young women I know in the work place, in this instance I’m thinking about my ex and wife, they don’t play when it comes to work and their reputation or/and perception from their higher ups. Chances are, you made her look bad or she thinks you made her look bad at work. Women, especially young women still struggle in the work place, they are absolutely looked at differently than men, most likely more negative and receive less credit. This is personal experience and experience I’ve heard from my partner/previous partners.
She’s attracted to him
Your examples are for two different things. A coworker saying something crazy to me isn’t as big of a deal as a coworker fucking with my work.
If you fuck up just once and take responsibility for it and ensure it doesn’t happen again, people are likely to give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m gonna guess that this ain’t the first time that her or another one of your coworkers has had to deal with the consequences of something you did or didn’t do.
Then, are you one of those people that overapologizes when they fuck up just to end up doing the same shit anyways? That’s gonna piss people off. An apology without changed behavior just looks insincere, and fucking up repeatedly just makes you look flaky. Not exactly a recipe to earn and keep the benefit of the doubt with your coworkers.
i think it depends on how you play it after the fact. if you’re acting noticeably weird or awkward around them, that energy is reflected back at you. it’ll start to feel like the elephant in the room.
if you pretend that nothing happened (after apologizing) and still make small talk and all that, they’re more likely to forgive n forget it more easily.
waiting until you have signals of true forgiveness before you engage w them means you’ll be waiting forever
Looks
If he’s handsome he have a voucher to be a douchebag with anyone he wants
Same for girls
Some people have people who are kind in their lives
> This seems to be a pattern where when I have a disagreement with people, it’s like there’s a permanent rift between us that’s never mended.
Maybe that other guy’s looks/attractiveness level are much higher than yours? That’s the first thing that comes to mind
A good-looking guy can basically “do no wrong”, if he makes offensive jokes or rude comments most women will play it down/think it’s cute/go along with it/etc
But if it’s an average-looking guy or below (especially nerdy-looking guys that women seem to universally dislike), then there will be no forgiveness for those same exact offensive jokes or rude comments
Good-looking guys also routinely “get away with” open flirting or touching girls, but if an average-looking guy did the same exact thing it would be considered sexual harrassment or he could possibly get fired, etc
You didn’t really mention your “level” of physical attractiveness OP, so just thought I would throw this out there as a possible explanation for why this might keep happening to you
Let’s not kid ourselves, physical appearance ***DOES*** matter in social interactions. Are you fat? Do you dress disheveled/unkempt? Are you “nerdy”-looking? Unusually short? You didn’t really provide details on your looks
Good question. My ex best friends hung out with known cheaters and liars, they likely still do. I do one thing “wrong” in their eyes and I’m dead to them. I chalk it up to survival and social needs—you have to pick and choose your battles and weigh the risks and consider your options. Lose one good friend or lose several mediocre friends? It’s a hard choice for some
There could be a number of reasons. A reason could be she likes him or she has better friendship/relationship with him than he doe with you.
I’ll take a slightly different reason. One reason could be that the first coworker she forgave so easily is someone slightly more confrontational, or hard-headed than you. People tend to forgive hard-headed people more easily because they know that hard-headed people will alway feel they did nothing wrong, regardless of how big the problem was. Even if they apologize it’s more of a “I didnt think I did anything wrong but sorry”. When there is a hard-headed person in the group, people will forgive them quicker because they know that the herd-headed person will hold the grudge as long as they can, especially if they are people who have no problem screaming at you in public and berratig you. So it’s easier to forgive and forget.
Less confrontational people will assume responsibility, and try to make things better and if the person needs some space, they will give the person that space. We try not to make the other person’s lives more difficult because we already caused some issues.
I have a few cases about the same guy (M40s) in my friend group with two girls(F33,F26) in my friend group. He is a guy who likes making innapropriate jokes, never assumes responsibility when it goes way over the line, and likes screaming and blaming others. I used to like shooting the shit with F26, it was early in our friendship and she would come at me with funny jabs and I’d get back at her with funny jabs. One time she came at me with something on my physical appearance so I came at her for something similar. I didnt think much of it. During the next 6 weeks or so she kept mentioning the comment every few weeks. I then asked her if she was hurt by it and she said she had been mad at me that whole time. A seperate story, the M40 friend once made a joke about F26 not knowing her father. She was annoyed by it but by the end of the day she was still making jokes and laughing with him. I know some will say that she likes him, I promise you she does not. This guy is definetely not her type (a little socially awkward, very unfit, old, etc).
With my other female friend, he tends to make her feel like shit at times by saying disrespectful jokes or blming her for things she has nothing to do with and making her feel guilty over it. He’ll scream at her for not hanging out with him enough but then not try to make any effort in hanging out. Recently she has seen through his BS and has been calling him out more often but before she would just do what he wanted. There were times she was
mad at him and then theyd go out for drinks and have a great time.
Because what you did affected her lively hood
because you fucked with her ability to make money, and he didn’t.
edit: also, you have capital with people. If I fuck over my best friend, they will be more likely to forgive me than if some stranger fucks them over.
Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business. If you take the time to consider your own code of ethics, set expectations and boundaries for your own behavior, and act according to them, people will respect and admire you and you will stop worrying about how others see you.
To all of this I add, “to an extent”. Accept feedback, learn about how others respond to your behavior, and then let all that go and be yourself.
was this person Italian?
Italians are ***known*** for holding grudges.
but any nationality has the capacity to hold grudges. Italians just do it the most.
This is something I wonder as well. In my opinion, it seems like people who are viewed as “confident” are given a pass. I realized that people didn’t dislike me because I’m a bad person, it’s because of my ND traits. People dont like others who are different or that they cannot socially understand so they will find reasons to hate them.
I had a friend who wanted me to come to his birthday party and I told him I would love to go. We only have one mutual friend who was also supposed to go to the party. She’s flakey so I let him know a few days before the party that I was sorry, but I feel a little uncomfortable going if she’s not going since he would be the only person I knew there and everyone else going was all very familiar and friendly with each other. Day of the party, she tells me she’s not going so I write to him and tell him I’m not going to go but try to make it up to him. He blocked me on everything and was upset that I didn’t come to the party, but wasn’t mad about her not going even though she also initially agreed to go.
I think if you consistently have shitty, careless behaviors then people often just chalk it up to being a lovable mess. I had this coworker who would have public, almost violent mental breakdowns daily and everyone was just like “hehe that’s just how he is.” And then when another person makes a small mistake, they talk the most shit.
On the flip side, if you seem to be self aware and actually give a fuck about how you’re affecting others, then your mistakes are the end of the world. In a way, i feel like it shows that people view you as more capable and mature, but it also sucks to not be let off the hook.
Cause she doesn’t like you
These are two very different situations, so of course they’re going to be treated differently. If you both said something mean to her and she was holding a grudge against you and not the other guy, then that’d be another story. But in this case, it was your actions for something you were assigned together. The fact that you did the assignment last minute means that your actions probably put a lot of stress on her. Plus, your irresponsibility got put onto her as well, even if you did say it was entirely your fault. Based on the post, she did her job but still got chewed out because of you.
Another way to view this is that your procrastination put a lot more stress and increased her mental load more than a guy’s single comment, so of course she would have different reactions.
If you can, think back to a time when you were put on a project with someone only for them to wait to do it until the last minute. You probably felt stressed, anxious, and unsure if the project would be completed and be of good quality. If you then got chewed out despite doing your part, you’d probably be annoyed and frustrated with the person too. Moreso than you would if someone just insulted you.
One seems a little worse than the other, if you offend me I won’t be mad for as long as if you make me look bad to the bosses.
It all depends on the one who forgives.
First mistake was apologizing to her. You should very rarely apologize in the first place for girls it shows a lot of weakness. People will say toxic but they don’t understand the real world outside of Reddit. My guess is there hooking up or about to soon. Girls treat you horribly if you apologize once
You’re putting too much stock into what’s going on in someone else’s head. If you’ve apologized, both verbally and with your actions, move along.
Also, you’re still young so perhaps there’s a lesson to be learned here: in your life, you will meet people that simply will not like you no matter what you do to appease them. Don’t waste your life trying to appease these people any more than is necessary.
Also there’s a difference between forgiveness and letting something go, or keeping the peace.
I’ve had dynamics with people where I recognize nothing I do or say will change their behavior so I continue the dynamic as long as I’m forced to (such as with coworkers) but with distance.
If another person did literally the same exact thing but I somehow picked up that they weren’t so set in their ways/unchanging/someone I feel I should expect better from, it would feel like it hurt more or take longer to get past because with that relationship I’m actually trying to maintain some quality.
Cuz she likes him
Personal dynamics and attractiveness. They did multiple studies on this. The better looking you are, the easier things are.
” I apologized multiple times for being irresponsible but she’s still very irritable towards me ”
Please don’t apologize, you obviously have a crush on her. Stop saying you are sorry!
Keep your mouth shut and head down, and you will garner some self respect which you desperately need
I know how you feel and it’s lousy. It’ll get better
Simple answer:
It all depends on how much a person likes you.
They like you= more room for forgiveness
They hate you/ are neutral= no second chances
It’s good that you’re asking these questions, but the answers are more likely to come from a friend or family member who knows you and has observed what you are describing.
I will say that someone else fucking up a group assignment could cause me to not like them. I don’t know the details but I wouldn’t minimize it.
All to do with charisma
That’s two very different grievances though. She probably finds it way easier to get over an offensive comment than you jeopardising her reputation at work. I think I would too. She also might just like the other person more than you.
He may just be good looking or has higher social status in your environment at work.
To be fair, the offensiveness of an offensive comment is pretty subjective (basically, you get to choose whether you want to be offended or not).
Being chewed out professionally because of someone else is an entirely different proposition.
That said, I could usually get away with saying a lot more outrageous things than you might. I would attribute it to charme and what several communities call “frame control” – basically something along the lines of: “if I strongly enough believe something isn’t offensive, then it won’t” – now, obviously this will not always work, but often…
While many people are saying the answer to this is more complicated in that she has feelings for the other dude or doesn’t like you, it’s really just this simple:
He offended her with words, words *can* (not always, but often) be forgiven and forgotten.
You offended her character and your boss’s view on her work ethic. You only get so many screw-ups and reprimands at work before your job goes out the door.
The big difference is that someone can call another person a racial slur or anything else offensive a million times and it’s up to the other person on if they will allow it to affect them, while what you did damaged her reputation at work, possibly permanently, and she has little to no control over how her boss might see her after this, which could have major effects on any promotions or raises she would otherwise receive later on.
If I were in this situation, I would prove my apology by talking directly (privately or in a meeting with boss and coworker in question) with the boss and telling him/her that it was mainly my fault the project wasn’t done as requested, and that the coworker did all she possibly could but it was my negligence that weighed it down.
It must be because
1. They r too emotional
2. They expected a lot from u …nd wat Dey recieved was completely opposite …
3. They have made up der mind to not come back again …
See if they ever cared about u they will not ask or treat u …u should also move on …just be nice to everyone …nd don’t lose ur character for anyone ..is dat wat I believe .
There is a huge difference between someone hurting your feelings, and someone hurting your work situation, which is how you pay your bills, and survive in this world.
There is also a huge difference in the guy saying something, but they have a relationship and can work it out, as opposed to you saying something, and it seems like their is zero relationship there.
You are not a victim here. You screwed over your coworker by being irresponsible. Apologies don’t always cut it When you affect another coworkers job performance, and they are trying to work their way up the ladder.
These two situations are not the same, and are not treated as the same, as they shouldn’t be. Take accountability for your actions, instead of worrying about the actions of others.
It could be that he is conventionally attractive, and you are not
Something I have come to realise js that being *too* apologetic can also backfire. While you feel like this should settle the differences, it sends the message that whatever it was you’re apologising for, is apparently a big deal and you should receive an appropriate amount of “punishment” for it. It’s something people almost do subconsciously, whereas if you play the “oh sorry didn’t realise that was a big deal” and keep things kinda light yourself, the other person might be quicker to forgive and forget.
Context matters of course. Maybe she thinks your coworker is cute so she is more likely to see past it. Maybe she cares a lot about her career prospects so you getting her berated is a bigger deal to her than a coworker making an inappropriate comment that has no effect on how her boss perceives her performance, while your personal values differ and make you feel the inappropriate comment was a bigger deal than the thing you two got chewed out for by your boss. These type of things all add to the equation.
Most the time its because the wronged person either really likes the other one or wants something out of them
Personally, I feel like I get too few apologies to be picky with the ones that I accept (provided they are minimally sincere). It is also challenging for many people to admit wrong-doing.
I think work relationships are a bit different than strictly personal ones (at least in theory). Forced proximity is definitely an incentive to be more forgiving than perhaps one would like to be.
All of that in mind, I’ve had two friendships end within the past few months *with* coworkers and I’ll admit to being in the same position as you, OP; I have no idea what is the determining factor that makes some people more forgiving. My outlook has been that there are very few mortal sins, that we all screw up from time to time, and that you can’t eat principle.
Both of my coworkers seemed like easy going, reasonable people. And both hold grudges like you wouldn’t believe. This is an imperfect moral to the story: workplace relationships should probably stay just that: forced proximity cuts both ways.