I’m 28 and haven’t ever been in a committed relationship. I’ve had a few rare dates here and there and very rarely hookups; I’m convinced that some percentage of women find me handsome, but then they nope out I suspect once they realize how robotic my personality is and how quirky and nerdy my interests are. I definitely don’t have that “cool” Brad Pitt style “it factor” with that natural sort of masculine charm that appeals to most women. I’m more like a less awkward (yet also less intelligent) version of Abed from Community.
I tried working out to get in shape and help improve my mass appeal to women, but I have a possibly permanent elbow injury now so all I can do is diet and hope to lose 25 pounds (I’m a little overweight). I’d love to go for women on the spectrum but they’re severely outnumbered by men on the spectrum, not to mention they usually tend to go for neurotypical men anyways. Most of my hobbies are naturally male-dominated since they’re nerdy, though I suppose I could try out some hobbies that more women are into but at this stage in my life I don’t think I’ll ever be extremely talented at sports or the like. I’ve tried dressing better, which gives me some more confidence but I still get turned down a lot in bars and such (either a few minutes of friendly conversation and then they “have to go”, or just outright ignored after a simple “hello”). Should I just keep holding out for that very tiny sliver of “quirky” women? Or are there any further tips I can try to increase my mass appeal this late in the game? I don’t think “be yourself brah” is going to cut it for me, something’s gotta change. I’m open to both external and internal changes. I could probably stand to talk to more women in person but constant rejection is harsh on the psyche, so I think I should probably increase my value before reengaging. But feel free to disagree. I definitely realize Reddit isn’t the best place to ask this but it always helps to crowdsource ideas.
7 comments
Get out of your head and push yourself to talk to people
>Most of my hobbies are naturally male-dominated since they’re nerdy, though I suppose I could try out some hobbies that more women are into but at this stage in my life I don’t think I’ll ever be extremely talented at sports or the like.
You think a lot of women are into sports?…..
It would help _immensely_ to develope some confidence and pride in your personality and your interests. THAT’S what you need to improve, that’s what needs work. This whole “I know I’m less worthy than other men, but please give me a chance” demeanor is hella off-putting.
Try new hobbies with social components. I think it’s easier to meet people when we have a constructive activity to focus on, and meet up for on a regular basis. That’s less pressure one on one, and a longer period of time to get to know someone.
Have you tried to find a community of people on the spectrum?
Could it be that the women you find that are on the spectrum are self-diagnosed?
No negativity at all, many are right but they don’t have the correct info from a professional to help them navigate life.
We women are only seemingly outnumbered by men because we were only diagnosed if we present symptoms the way men do. Same with ADHD. Don’t limit yourself to the spectrum, honestly I find I connect with anyone who is neurospicy. (That’s how many people discover they are neurodivergent in the first place, if you look around and everyone you surround yourself with is spicy, chances are so are you).
From reading your post I would recommend you do research into masking. Every thing you mention and in fact your question itself is basically how do I become someone I’m not to attract someone who otherwise wouldn’t be attracted to me. You have become so lost in the observation and puzzling over your pov of interactions that you have drawn some incorrect conclusions. One of which is that nerdy is male dominated…. If this is your belief then you should re-evaluate the places that you interact with your fellow nerds. It is far more likely that the places you go are not inclusive than females are not interested.
Also the idea that most women on the spectrum go for neurotypical men sounds crazy to me. I’m in my 40s and every single neurodivergent person I know is in a relationship with another neurodivergent person. Many just didn’t realize they were neurodivergent when the relationship started.
My suggestion to you would be to first find a group of friends who you are comfortable with and meet like minded people through them. You may find a whole group of people that you don’t have to mask for. Then once the mask is gone, you will start to see women respond to you. The mask is what creeps women out, we know when we aren’t seeing the real you and our warnings bells go off.
Good Luck discovering yourself!!!
Fitness:
you don’t need to work out hard to get fitter. Just an intense walk each day will already make a difference. Or taking the bike to work. Anything that gets your heart rate up. Don’t set unrealistic goals.
Appearance:
there are a few things that go a long way: skin care, good hair cut/style and following the basic rules for clothes. Match gentle colors by palette, don’t wear oversized clothes, watch/read tutorials.
Meeting people:
Bars and clubs are the classic pick up spots but they only work for a certain type of party people who are looking for more party people. I had the most success in more relaxed settings with friends of friends. If you join a group of friends hanging out or going out, then your chances of hitting it off with someone in that group you havent met are much higher.
Conversation:
When talking to someone, don’t focus on the content of what is said. If the person says something incorrect about your hobby only correct her if it is a matter of life and death. Instead focus on how you make her feel with your statements and questions. Are you being optimistic or pessimistic? Are you signaling confidence or cockyness? Are you making questions about her or only about things?
Be up front as someone dating with ASD/ Aspie spec. The people who don’t want you weed themselves out. There is no point trying to get into a relationship that won’t make you happy in it. Just work on yourself. Put yourself out there and you will be fine. Sneak trick. Go play animal crossing, Neuro spicy 🥵 woman love that game. Also learn rigging.
I have spoken.