We have been married for approximately two years. We both have children from previous marriages (me, two boys from a 10 year marriage) and her (a boy and girl from a 1-2 year marriage – they never even moved in together). A usual argument with my wife goes like this:
* one of us gets frustrated at something the other person has done
* regardless of who brings it up, she quickly raises her voice and things start to escalate
* she either (1) shuts down and ignores me telling me she’s done with the conversation or (2) I tell her we need a break until we cool off so we can talk about it with level heads
* if (1) #1, I usually tell her that the silent treatment isn’t helpful and we should either talk about it or at least plan to talk about it later when she’s cooled off, which causes her to get angrier and she starts saying how relationships shouldn’t be “this hard” or (2) if #2, she gets angrier and starts saying meaner things, that she’s over the relationship, etc.
* lately she’s gotten to where she’s saying pretty mean spirited things to me, like she hates me, that she’s miserable because of this relationship, that I’m an asshole, things alluding to my children being spoiled, etc. basically just a lot of different put downs
* ultimately, she tells me that she’s done and she’s leaving, that I need to have divorce papers filed the next morning or some flavor of that line of thinking – which has led to her damaging her engagement/wedding ring by hurling it at a wall, etc.
* I have to beg for her to not do that which makes me feel pathetic ()
A couple of times she has actually got in her car to leave left after telling me she was done and she was heading back home – once in the middle of the night (which I tried stopping her by sitting in the front seat and telling her if she wanted to ride alone she’d have to call an Uber) and one time I literally stood behind her car with her kids inside it and mine standing outside while they were crying for her not to leave (she doesn’t even tell my kids by or let me tell my step-children goodbye). A few other times, she has said we are getting a divorce and when talking through the logistics told me that she wouldn’t even want to tell our children (or her even tell my bio children goodbye or let me tell my stepchildren goodbye).
When we talk afterwards I try to sincerely apologize for what I did in the argument, and be specific about those things so she knows I understand my part. However, when I bring up the things that hurt me, she rarely – if ever apologizes – and even when she does they are simple “I’m sorry” responses. Definitely not what you would expect if you were hoping for something sincere.
Her main argument is that she acts the way she does is because I’m “always soooooo perfect and never do anything wrong” (when referring to me trying to stay calm and not blow up in anger during our argument) and that by telling her we need a break, that we need to work on the way we communicate, that we shouldn’t be yelling at each other or calling names or threatening to leave, etc. is condescending and me talking down to her. Admittedly, I have been hyperfocused on this because it is a huge issue for me, and I have read tons of books, taken courses and been really focused on ways for us to communicate better, so I can understand how talking about those things with her and recommending tools that we try together could come across as a little preachy. However, I try incredibly hard for it to not come across that way and sometimes I think it is less about my delivery and more about her feeling insecure because she knows she isn’t communicating well. Every issue is a me vs her in my wife’s mind, rather than a situation where it is us vs. the issue and that is really hard for me to navigate, since there is really no winner in that situation.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m seriously considering getting a divorce because no matter what I do this still happens and I hate the way it makes me feel and even worse I hate that she won’t take responsibility for it.
PS. Aside from the way we communicate during disagreements, the only real issues we have is that my wife holds a ton of resentment because she moved three hours to be with me and thinks she has sacrificed more to be in the relationship than me (even though, moving in with me is what we always talked about because I had a house that could accommodate (she only had a small two-bedroom apartment), I make about 20x more than her and pay all the bills (and my work is here) and have 50/50 custody with my ex-wife so moving three hours away would mean me likely having to give up something that brings about the most joy in my life, being a parent that is involved and present for my children). She also is resentful that my ex-wife lives in the area – she doesn’t like that we co-parent together, that she could potentially run into my ex in public or anything along those lines, which also goes into her being angry about moving here. She says her children shouldn’t have to sacrifice to drive back to see their dad every other weekend, while my kids get to stay where they’re at with their mom and not have to change anything for the relationship.
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5 comments
Ok I read all of that. I’d demand she does individual therapy and we do couples therapy to save this thing, or separate. She’s verbally and emotionally abusive. I would have dropped her a long time ago to be honest.
First off, it sounds like you married my ex. In which case I’m sorry.
You can try all you like in these situations, if the person you’re with isn’t trying then it’s not a relationship.
I would do the same as you for a long time. Try to research, go to counseling, work on me, etc.
Eventually I got tired of the nonsense and started calling her out on the threats. After a little while of this I asked for the divorce.
The last part is important, you’re teaching both sets of kids that this is how relationships should be when it is definitely not.
There is only one way to deal with an ultimatum. Accept it. It is essentially calling her bluff. She says file the papers, you pull them out of the drawer and show her where to sign. She throws the ring you pick it up, thank her for returning it and pocket it.
Worst case she packs up her kids and goes home. Best case she learns how to fight fairly. In any case you stop being abused that day. Stop doing the pick me dance. Your marriage is less than 10 years old, you have no shared children. This will be a quick no fault divorce with very low chance of ongoing payments.
I hope you read your own post and realize what a toxic marriage you have. Not only you subject yourself to this hell you also expose your children to this toxic environment. Leave her as soon as possible and take your children away with you.
I was married once, briefly, to a man like your wife. Luckily zero children involved. He had major mental illness that really spiraled once we got married and he was of course also a raging alcoholic. The red flag (of many) that I ignored in the dating phase was him telling me he had court-ordered anger management courses he had to do because In college he wanted to visit his then GF in the dorms and whoever controls access said no and he beat him up. All of his behavior with me at that time was so different and he said he was better so it was so hard to hear these stories but it take a few years for these things to start with Me. but believe me, people who escalate with their anger WILL eventually hurt themselves or those they love. She sounds like a very toxic person who is a fearful avoidant who bails at the first sign of maturity needed. She sounds like she has emotional regulation problems, is volatile, violent and manipulative. My ex abused me, threatened to leave over things as simple as reminding him he had promised to do the dishes, which were still there undone the next day. He did that at least twice. He threatened to leave me when I told him I was sad to miss my nieces birthday after he moved us out to the effing desert without running the idea by Me. When I counted, it was on average every two weeks that he threatened to divorce me. He left me on our two year anniversary. It was an odd relief but the trauma from the abuse and what I went thru follows me to this day, 6 years later. He would peel out and drive away in a slamming frenzy and sometimes bring his shotgun with him. There were times he would disappear over night, other times it was a full 6 days. The marriage itself (commitment and needing to be accountable to your spouse for decisions ) triggered everything in him. He shortly after divorced me, left the state impulsively for a job, then impulsively lost that job and came back to the state / city we lived in and tried to “fix things”. Boy, things were so smashed to effing pieces by him and the abuse was still there that it finally dawned on me that because he ended the marriage and gave up, our marriage was null and void and I owed him nothing, and especially not obligation to take his abuse back because he needed me. I say all this because your wife has a personality disorder. She is also abusive and totally out of control. Don’t expect HER to finally agree that indeed she’s mentally ill and abusive. Abusers almost NEVER see what they do as wrong. They only see all the reasons “other people push them to react.” You are trying to rationalize and teach calmness to someone who has no interest in it. You will not somehow convince her to change. You will have to change what you accept and let her navigate around others’ healthy boundaries. She is forcing her children to experience her abuse as well, which tells me the intensity of her disordered thinking . You need to set some boundaries around your arguments, the language you’ll accept, that if she threatens to divorce you one more time you will treat her like the adult she is and go get your own divorce papers then. AND FOLLOW THRU. People like this are dangerous, manipulative and violent and they know they are able to get people to sit there and take it becausr of what they dangle over their heads. They are essentially bullies. My guess is she equates love with how much you will kneel on the ground suffering for her- my ex was this way. If I wasnt crying and freaking out chasing him barefoot in my PJs down the street, I didn’t love him. And yet he refused counseling. These people have an insatiable hole inside them. It’s terrifying and incredibly sad. You can ask her to attend therapy with you. She will likely refuse (as you’ve stated) – but really, you should be seeing a therapist solo so you can get very expert level help on what you need to change about your boundaries with this woman. You CAN change this dynamic. It will get crazier before it gets better because she obviously has a hard time with other people having boundaries. But in the end, if by you being healthy and calm and consistent and having boundaries causes this relationship to end, just know that this relationship should have ended long ago. And it’s her behavior that ended the marriage. Btw my ex used to throw his ring against the wall – broke a mirror that shattered everywhere. He never apologized. But I wasn’t allowed to take my ring off for any reason it he’d leave me. So I just had to watch him spin out of control and break things and stay calm and quiet the whole time because any movement by me would cause it to escalate even further. He knew that I was so committed to the marriage, that I would basically stand there and tolerate anything in order to save it. I never thought about how I was more important than the piece of paper. In reality, I was trying to keep us married on paper by adopting this lack of boundaries. The reality was that he had left the marriage long ago. That was a ramble. But you need to find a safe exit plan here. You are so much more important than a piece of paper. The health, the emotional and mental, of your children is more important than the piece of paper you both signed. I’m really quite scared for you but really I hope you become energized to get yourself help. Read The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick if you have any faith background. Also read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Please update us.