My bf (30m) and I (27f) have been together since September ‘22. He watched porn a good amount in the beginning and didn’t think anything about it too much.
Well now we live together and went through a tough time in Jan/Feb, my def esteem was extremely low. Etc. I asked him to not watch porn anymore to which he said okay and promised he wouldn’t. (February).
Flash forward to today (July) I found out last night he’s been watching it behind my back and straight up lying to me about it.
I felt betrayed and heartbroken.
Granted I would ask if he’s watched porn every now and then to which he would say no of course not. I went into the grocery store and he stayed in the car and when I came back I saw from my window that he changed browsers hella fast. I questioned him about it and he said he was just closing things.
So imagine how I feel now with him straight up lying to my face.
(Please keep in mind this is the only red flag to me, generally speaking, he is the most patient and kind man I’ve ever met)
I’ve tried to like come up with solutions to help like maybe we can watch it together once a week or twice a month to get the “fix” but he said he’d just stop all together which I’ve heard before.
(I just got out of a 3 y relationship with a guy who cheated on me the whole time before I met my current bf so I already am working on trusting again and he just destroyed that trust)
He watches it at work or when I leave for work or the store.
What do you guys think? Am I being too strict over porn watching habits? Is there anything else I can suggest to help our relationship out? We’re always super happy together and have so many hobbies together. I just don’t know what to do. Please help a girl out I genuinely do love him very much. 🤞💕
10 comments
> Am I being too strict over porn watching habits?
Yes, I think you are.
Without getting into a debate about porn use, its really really common for guys (and women) to use porn. I think some level of porn use is fine but I’m also happy to admit that some guys use it too much. I also think that any guy that uses porn that will swear that he will not use porn ever again is treading on very very thin ice and is lying because he doesnt want to scare the girl away. I don’t think that porn use (watching porn) equals cheating or makes someone more at risk of cheating in real life.
It doesnt sound like your guy is watching it too much. But I would tell him that he needs to reconsider what he is doing in public because he was clearly watching something that wasnt for public consumption and he made switching it out very obvious. You feel embarassed for him outing himself like that in public. You wonder what other people would think if they’d seen him do that.
If you arent going to break up with him over this, it wouldn’t hurt to tell him that you know he is watching porn despite promising not to so he better make sure that you don’t find him doing it and to cover his tracks well. YUou may or may not want to remind him that you have a problem with it.
You’re allowed to have boundaries, nothing wrong with that, if you don’t like the use of porn in your relationship, that’s ok. However, you were aware of his porn usage when you started dating and suddenly want him to stop? That seems unfair and unrealistic. What I can suggest is, why not watch it together?
I’d agree he has a porn addiction. Watching porn in the car while his girlfriend is inside is just too much. I found my bf watching porn while casually making coffee after we had a huge blow up the year before. That’s a problem. Or how about when I was laying my head on his chest after the big blow up, and he was just casually browsing porn. It makes me feel like garbage. He ended up deleting Reddit (how he watched porn) without me asking. But the trust is simply gone. I’ve never been more depressed and self conscious. It’s all I think about. I wish I could make the anxiety stop 🙁
My boyfriend knows I don’t like it, but watches anyway. I realize that’s a problem that stems from my self-esteem. However, when you have someone willing to have sex with you literally ALL the time but then search history shows porn the second we aren’t together, that is kind of a blow and I’m not okay with that. Granted, my boyfriend and I have issues that go far beyond this, but it is just one of the many parts of communication that need to happen for an effective relationship.
I’m sorry you are feeling down. The best thing I can advise is to set your boundaries and stick to them. Just because many people think porn is acceptable (to each their own!), that doesn’t mean you have to stay in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable.
More concerning to me is that you had a conversation with him and he lied to you.
Porn hijacks the brain. It likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the pleasure centers of his brain feigning for more dopamine. I know how you feel though. My bf used to have a real problem and has since cut way back. I still feel weird about it sometimes. He always told me that he promised to cut back but that he would never stop completely. It’s easier when they are honest instead of making a promise they can’t keep.
I wouldnt be okay with this either: we only had the porn-conversation a year after starting dating because only then did i even think whether he watched. Thankfully he agreed with me neither of us should watch because there is no need and it hurts feelings
Howevee i dont know what you can do in your situation. If you go see sub love after porn, youll see that the lies dont stop ever if he is an addict. So decide if you want to take this on or leave him, its going to be rocky road to come into undesrtanding/ start recovery
I say love him no matter what and get over it
Probably because he can’t be fully present with you during the experience.
Some part of his mind is observing from a detached state, maybe thinking about his performance, or something else…
Watching a similar scene perhaps allows him to fill in the gaps or he has a past habit of being aroused by porn and the part of him that is attracted to you, turned on by you, wants to see what it looks like from that perspective…
But it gets back to what I said initially, he likely isn’t fully present with the act of having sex with you, part of his mind is subconsciously not involved…
For any variety of reasons having to do with how we form insecurities, emotional blocks, suffer from concussions…
Until we are ‘enlightened’, none of us are fully 100% present and integrated with our experience, we are all having moments of self-consciousness, acting out fantasies, projecting, distracted, etc..
It could very likely be that he is trying to observe himself having sex with you while he’s doing it (like porn watching), and can’t, because the mind can only do one activity fully, so watching porn later allows him to satisfy that curiosity or perspective/experience.
You could try putting a mirror next to the bed, but he might get too distracted by watching himself have sex in the mirror.
Try talking to him about it, and see what he says.
Try to dig deep into your own insecurities and resolve the issue you have with him watching porn. I know you said that you were cheated on in the past so on the surface, that is the driving force on why it bothers you so much. The thought of him desiring another female hurts your soul but I can almost guarantee that he can separate the porn fantasies from the reality of having you in his life, the main difference being he doesn’t love porn he loves you.
Maybe he’s just trying to learn moves and I’m over-analyzing it…in my humble opinion this man is not doing anything wrong.
Also to add to this, we as humans male and female are genetically wired for reproducing…Allow me to explain.
In many other organisms, once the female is mated, she no longer wants the male around. Her interest is now the well being of her future children. Some actively chase the male away and in extreme cases they eat or kill them after mating. Situations in which the male’s life is spared, he wonders off looking for the next available suitor. Among our closest cousins, the primates, there is an Alpha male who will breed with any female within the family group in order to instinctively pass down his traits into the next generation. He often fights off other males to protect his territory as well. (Sounds a lot like some Kevins I know haha)
In humans, the story is similar. Once a woman is pregnant, her chief concern dramatically switches from her mate to the well being of the baby growing in her womb, and the life thereafter. This goes on until way into the baby’s first few years of life (and men need to understand this). The usual requirement for the male is to provide food and to protect the family unit. Now the difference is, humans are emotional beings. So if this goes on long enough the male starts to feel the need to find emotional attention elsewhere, by instincts. (And for men this comes with sex). This, however, doesn’t mean that the man no longer cares for his family unit.
The point is this. Without disruption from modern social and religious teachings, men would be like the primates who work hard (by instinct) to propagate their genes to the next generation. Men are genetically programmed that way. Therefore trying to make men monogamous is fighting natural genetic programming according to the science and the research I’ve done.
You will also note, that women play along to the basic masculine instincts. They work hard to look beautiful and seductive through makeup, mini skirts, tight-fitting pants, and swaying bottoms, all to highlight and give the impression of availability.
Simply put, men are naturally ready to breed with any available mate. And like our animal relatives, women express their availability by accentuating their features to try and get the best available male eye. I’m not saying that every man is born a cheater and to let them run free having sex with whoever they please. A few rotten apples shouldn’t ruin the entire batch is a great expression to use here…Don’t let your mind lead you down that rabbit hole that he is or will cheat on you because of his porn viewing. He is doing what he is naturally designed for by watching porn and even though he is getting off to other women besides yourself at times he isn’t mentally or physically cheating on you. I think your partner can separate fantasy from reality like I said in a previous post.
100% of men like porn. It’s just a fact you need to accept