We were “arguing” over how he treats me, though in the end it just devolved to me begging him to please stop and hug me and go to bed. He screamed at me to “get out of his room” (it’s the only room with a bed in the house) and started hitting me with the pillow. Keep in mind I was just laying there not touching him and just trying to calm down from all the horrible shit he called me, like calling me a bitch and then trying to manipulate me by saying “I only said you’re ACTING like one.” Am I crazy? Can he really get away with calling me that by saying technically he didn’t? He said it’s “just a pillow” too so it’s fine. More details:
1) he was angry Tand intentionally did it to hurt/scare me
2) my head immediately started hurting and I’ve been nauseous and can’t sleep tonight. He hit me as hard as he could
3) he kept downplaying it, saying it didn’t count as a real beating, saying he “couldn’t see where he was hitting me” in the dark (as if hitting my legs out of anger would be better…)
4) I was sobbing on the floor after for at least 20 minutes while he sat there ignoring it
5) there was an incident last week where he grabbed my hair and yanked my head back as hard as he could (my neck is still injured from it) BUT he said I thought I wanted it to the point that he argued for hours saying it wasn’t on purpose. Keep in mind he did that during an argument right after I said something he didn’t like… yet he still keeps saying it’s an accident. Like it’s a coincidence.
6) he keeps googling “accident” and trying to use the definition to prove these things weren’t on purpose but I don’t see how that changes anything…?
One minute he agrees treating me like this is abusive and the next minute it’s like he’s an entirely different person. He is supposedly getting therapy to help him understand why doing these things is wrong — particularly the incidents of gaslighting and twisting things around on me/blaming me for how he treats me — but I am not sure it is helping. Tonight he said that “being defensive is never wrong” but “being angry (at him for abusing me or because I can’t trust him)” is. The way he said it made me suspicious that he was getting validation that always arguing with me and defending treating me like crap was okay from his therapist. Idk I could be wrong but I can’t talk to him about it because he’ll deny anything I say.
Sorry if this seems rambly. I’m tired. Is it actually not real abuse if he hits me with a pillow only? Did I really have it coming for asking for a hug before I went to sleep on the couch? Also he twists things on me a lot — for example I called him an asshole for being terrible to me tonight. He said that was verbally abusive of me and now I’m just confused. It seems every time I call him out on his behavior he finds some way to justify it/then turns it around on me saying I was bad or abusive because I got angry after he hurt me in someway.
43 comments
Leave him.
You should leave. He’s not going to get better and is just escalating and blaming you. Can you imagine the relief if your life wasnt full of this? Move on from him and find a healthy life where you aren’t allowing someone to abuse you
You need to leave. He’s going to escalate and keep excusing it. He wanted to hurt you, he could have attacked you with bubbles, I don’t care, intention was there, he attacked out of rage and it wasn’t an accident I don’t care what he says.
It’s an abusive relationship. You know what you have to do
He was hitting you out of anger and that’s all that matters. It’s the action, not the item. Next time it won’t be a pillow.
Please leave quickly OP and seek safety in family or friends.
Get out. Please. People will help you with an exit plan. But you might have had a concussion from a fucking pillow, and you still have a neck injury. It will escalate. I’m not sure you can therapy away physical abuse. And even if you can, he can therapy it away while you take a break and get a new phone number.
Re-read your post and imagine this is your best friend or sister talking about this- would you tell them it’s all ok?
Please leave.
Leave, now. It’s escalating and is only going to get worse. Leave today if you can, stay with a friend or family if possible, but go.
You should leave your boyfriend. He hits you with a pillow now, and may hit you with a brick in the future. From your statement, he has violent tendencies. For your own personal safety in the future, I suggest you break up and don’t contact again
This is abuse and it only gets worse. Been there, done that, it wasn’t the kind of abuse you see on movies or TV so I wasn’t sure it was really abuse, but it was and it continued to escalate as these things do. Emotionally and physically.
Also, you don’t need to understand what’s going on. It is nearly impossible to rationalize. It’s confusing because he’s purposely confusing you. The only way to see clearly is to get distance.
this time it was a pillow, next time it wont be.
gtfo before you die
Omg, please get away from him as soon as you can,don’t go back, and NEVER be alone with him. This is abuse, and it will get worse. Doesn’t matter whether it was a pillow. Hitting is still hitting, and he clearly did some damage. Please go get checked for concussion!!
I think he gave you a concussion. Head pain followed by nausea is a common side effect. I’ve had several of them, so I’m unfortunately too familiar with them. Even though he was hitting you with a pillow, he still was applying a tremendous amount of force, and you can also get concussions from being whiplashed, which you probably were by him. Please go see a doctor and tell them what happened. Get a documented diagnosis.
I am leading with this because this is tangible proof that he beat you. He deserves to be arrested. Remove him from your life at all costs. I pray that you will make a quick recovery and that justice will be served.
If you want a happy and fulfilling life, leave him. This is just going to escalate and you are already questioning yourself as if you did something wrong here.
He is abusive, no question about it. No one should react that strongly toward someone else for something like this. You can’t reason with a person like this. I would pack my things and get away from his orbit.
This guy is 100% violent and abusive. It won’t get better, it will get worse. I hope there are no kids or shared property, bank accounts involved. he will ruin u. He didn’t hit u with a pillow, he hit u through a pillow, like boxfighter gloves. Maybe next time he’ll forget the pillow. And it will be your fault cause you made him angry. Call the police, make him leave and stay safe! Lock doors and gather evidence. The next time he might hurt you very very bad “by accident” “not on purpose”
Like wtf would you think would happen if you punch in my direction or literally ripping my head off? That you ask for more?? That this is normal? What if you hit him with a pillow “by accident “?
He is an abuser physically and mentally! No way you should tolerate this your whole life..
Please run from this guy and call the cops!!!
Hon please go to a hospital, going to sleep even within a few days of a concussion before being assessed could be life threatening. While I 1000% believe you need to leave that relationship ASAP (maybe tell the hospital you are in need of DV services) you absolutely need to put your life and physical health first right now. Do not drive, get someone to pick you up. Avoid having him take you at this point I would not trust him with you in the car. Please stay safe.
You need to go! My ex put his hands on me when I was pregnant and I thought to myself if this is him going easy on me then what is he going to do for real? I’d probably be dead in the next couple of years if I didn’t leave. Take it as you will but like other commenters said he will get worse and the longer you stay the harder it will be for you to leave.
Girl hell kill you and say you asked for it. Run
I’m not going to repeat what everyone else is saying here – instead I’m going to drop a link to a free online pdf of book that was very useful for me when I needed it, and hope that you find it useful in turn. More useful than just another anonymous voice on the internet telling you what you should do, anyway.
It’s called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, and it was written specifically to help people in situations like this:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Keep safe, and remember you’re not alone.
I mean you are in a horribly abusive relationship. You know it. Just have some self respect and get out. You want to live like this forever?? You can do this! When he’s away just pack your stuff and find a place to stay for a while and get yourself safe. It’s only going to escalate.
A word you should never use after the phrase: “my boyfriend beat me” is BUT
But what? There is no excuse to beat someone, whether it be with a fist, a pillow, or a feather. His intention was to hurt you.
Stay safe until you can find a way out. Under no circumstances should you consider staying if you’re able to leave.
Stop spending your energy debating with him. You don’t accidentally grab someone’s hair and yank their head back. He is obviously not arguing in good faith with you and he is manipulating you. Get the fuck out of this relationship before he kills you.
Abusive people often get better at abusing and manipulating their partners when they go to therapy
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You are experiencing domestic abuse. Stop listening to that asshole. Disengage and do your best to avoid confrontation while you organise your exit. Do not tell him anything: what you do, where you are going, keep your phone passwordprotected and with you at all times.
Get in contact with a domestic violence group near you. They will help you leave and support you with a place to stay and can hook you up with a lawyer and navigating protective orders.
Go to the doctor to get any bruises and your neck injury looked at and documented.
Please go to a doctor immediately. It sounds like you could have a concussion, and those are very dangerous if you’re not monitoring them
Leave! Fast! He`s trying to find out your tolarance for his behavior and it will go only downhill from here. My violent ex did the same and I had to kick him out. Abuse is abuse.
You have to leave. It will escalate. It goes from “Oh I didn’t mean to hit you there with the pillow” to, “I didn’t mean to hurt you when I hit you in the face with my fists” to, “Judge, I didn’t mean to kill her.”
Understand?
Leave. Please.
Imagine you had a sister and she told you this. You’d tell her to leave that minute. Leave.
Umm, so how long until he hits you with something harder? You need to run as his violence is escalating and will continue to do so.
Yup… Time to go!
If a friend or family member came to you with this story, what would you tell them to do?
You are a human being and do NOT deserve to be treated like this, ever, nobody does! So, please, be kind to the wonderful, unique person you are and leave his manipulating ass behind.
He will kill you
Get out NOW. Therapy isn’t going to help a manipulative abuser. As you are experiencing, it’s just giving him more tools to use against you. The turning things around on you is called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Check out r/Ebbie45 Their profile is FULL of useful resources to help you.
>Tonight he said that “being defensive is never wrong” but “being angry (at him for abusing me or because I can’t trust him)” is. The way he said it made me suspicious that he was getting validation that always arguing with me and defending treating me like crap was okay from his therapist.
Here’s what’s happening here. His therapist is trying to explain the difference between defending yourself calmly and getting angry and lashing out. The idea there being to make him aware of his responses (and the way others respond to him) and able to choose the correct one. He’s now trying to apply this to your responses while his own have been absolutely out of order.
It’s highly unlikely that a therapist is conspiring with him against you. More likely, but still unlikely is the idea that he’s somehow fooling one and getting them to side with him. While we in the mental health community can only go on what we see, we tend to see more than we’re being told.
Yes, this is real abuse. Also, he is gaslighting you.
1. your neck was injured.
2. He was hitting at you in the dark and didn’t know where he hit you. It could have been worse. It could have been better. He should never have hit you, with anything.
3. His actions are intentional, even though some may have been ‘by accident’, hitting someone during an argument could not by any stretch of the imagination be considered an accident.
4. His tactics are classic DARVO. Deny that it happened (the way you know it did), Attack you for calling him out, Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender.
>he was angry Tand intentionally did it to hurt/scare me
Nope out of there. Dump him.
Concussions can lead to brain damage. It sounds like you got a concussion based on your nausea.
Your boyfriend may have literally done long term damage to your body last night and you may never be the same.
Next time he may kill you, even if it genuinely is an accident.
Please leave him because EVEN UNINTENTIONALLY HE HAS SERIOUSLY THREATENED YOUR LIFE.
When he is angry he purposefully hurts you.
Nothing else matters but that statement. He’s an abuser and it’s not going to get better.
If he wants to go to therapy and “change” then he needs to do that on his own. You need to move out and be safe from him.
# You are in an abusive relationship.
He pulled your hair, hit you as hard as he could with a pillow repeatedly, calls you derogatory names, and manipulates you into believing everything is your fault.
This man doesn’t know how to love you properly. **It’s time to love yourself enough to walk away** instead of staying in an abusive relationship and allowing it to escalate further.
He needs to work on himself alone. It’s not your responsibility to convince him that he’s wrong and you’re right. The only thing you’re responsible for is yourself. Get out!
some of the shit i read on here is fucking wild. i literally cannot, even in my angriest most reactionary moments, imagine swinging my hands or an object at another human, let alone someone i care about. and i absolutely cannot see a world where if i did that i wouldn’t expect them to swing back and defend themselves
don’t be a victim. this dude is gonna kill you one day. get out now. don’t let anyone treat you like this and just let it keep happening. cut contact immediately for now though i would make sure i’ve got a way to keep tabs on him so you can prematurely warn his next partner he’s a violent person
This is abuse. He’s finding ways to twist it so it’s not technically abuse, but just the state of stress and terror that you’re in is enough for it to classify as such (although the things you’ve mentioned are definitely physically abusive, no matter what he says). Be aware that his behaviour by itself won’t get better, and that, as you already suspect, therapy will likely only give him the tools to turn his abuse around on you. I very much recommend a book called “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. I think it’s pretty easy to find on pdf. It’s going to help you gain clarity and it’s going to give you the tools to realize that no, you’re not crazy and yes, he is doing it on purpose. I wish you all the best. I know this might not be very affirming coming from a complete stranger, but seriously, you’re not crazy, you’re right for not wanting to be treated like this, you deserve to feel safe and loved.