Using a throwaway account.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, and I would absolutely consider it my happiest, healthiest relationship. In fact, we even moved in together to a new place 2 weeks ago!
However, things have taken a turn for the negative. Last month, my boyfriend was laid off from his job- however, his job did give him 2 month notice and decent severance pay. This should be able to keep him afloat for 3-4 months before either of us have to take out savings It’s still been pretty traumatic for him- the job was very prestigious and high-paying, and he’s been someone who’s always been very successful at work and school. He has a history of severe mental illness and substance use- both of which were under much better control over the past few months; in fact, his therapist even said that they can meet less frequently due to the progress he’s made. However, ever since he got the news, he’s been having a severe mental breakdown. He’s usually a very smart, motivated person but lately he spends most of his days sleeping or drinking. He’s had trouble sleeping due to nightmares and regularly has severe panic attacks. Additionally, the stress of our move has only exacerbated his mental health conditions. There have been points where I am scared something really detrimental will happen, especially given his history with mental health.
I’m doing my absolute best to help him and be there for him. I’ll stay up with him to help him through episodes, help him get to sleep, and have done the brunt of the work for our move to help ease his stress. I struggle with anxiety and depression myself, so while to some extent I understand where he comes from, the situation has unfortunately made my anxiety much worse as I feel that I need to worry constantly about him. I’ve been losing sleep lately and have felt honestly, really mentally exhausted by the entire situation. No matter what comfort or advice I give, nothing seems to change. I’ve been feeling like more of a caretaker than a partner. I have told him to pursue more intensive therapy options and to talk to his therapist about medication. I’ve struggled with panic attacks myself and know medication can do wonders for it. Every time I ask, he says he’ll think about it but nothing happens.
I’m also beginning to get frustrated by his lack of motivation- which I do feel incredibly guilty about. I’m not sure how much progress he has made with applying for jobs- I know he’s talked to a few recruiters and even had an interview last week, but he’s already getting discouraged, saying he’ll be unemployed for a while. It’s frustrating because I’ve been working extremely hard at my job and doing everything I can to make the move as smooth as possible- all the while he’s sleeping or surfing the web. I’m also worried about how we will pay rent. He was making around twice as much as me- without his salary, we cannot afford our apartment. I’ve tried prodding him a few times to apply for more things- every time I try to do so, he only gets even more stressed and says that me asking him will only stress him out more. But now I am stressed! How much longer can I be a caretaker, how will we pay rent once the severance runs out? I’m honestly at a loss on what to do anymore- some days I mentally feel like Kanye and Gabbie Hanna (no racism or antisemitism, I’m just going INSANE🥲), other days I want to just drink and avoid everything. But I can’t because I need to be strong for the both of us. Any advice at all would be extremely helpful because I don’t even know what to do anymore.
tldr: Boyfriend lost his job and is going through a breakdown, I don’t know how to help and it’s beginning to affect me mentally as well.
16 comments
Suggestions that come to mind:
1. Recommend different outlets and sources of social support for him, whether it’s a return to previous therapy schedules, or reaching out to friends or family he trusts. A wider net of social support not only means more support for him, but also less pressure placed on you as his primary caregiver.
2. Get your own support, as needed. Do whatever helps you maintain your own mental health.
3. Relationship-wise, consider having a non-judgmental conversation with him about both of your expectations for job hunting. What goals do you two have in mind, and what’s a reasonable expectation that you two can both agree on, for how much effort is expected from him on a daily/weekly basis? If you can get on the same page, I’d say let him work independently, or at least schedule check-ins with him at a rate he can agree to. Then he can work hard to meet these goals and expectations, while still being able to have downtime (and time to process his grief) without feeling judged for it.
IMO, if it’s been a month, he’s talked to recruiters, and has had at least 1 interview, that’s not bad. Job searches can take time.
Take care of yourself first
He should continue therapy and not make you his therapist.
1 month? And it also sounds like he’s trying?
Girl you need to take a step back and let BF take care of himself. He’s a grown adult and he will handle everything. What would he do if he lived alone and was single? He’d get his shit together, and it sounds like he is.
People react badly to being laid off, it’s a point of pride and shame. My close friend got laid off suddenly after 8 years at the same company and would have constant panic attacks, lose feeling in some of her limbs…a perfectly healthy 40 yo woman. My CBD pen helped her a lot, I had her keep it. When she got a new job she was able to sleep again and felt better about herself. All her symptoms disappeared. Stress is a hell of a drug.
I felt like shit when I was unemployed. Like I had no skills and wasn’t worth anything, and I’d be lucky if someone even glanced at my resume. It’s easy to spiral at a time like this. I suggest you take a break from trying to help, you’ll only burn yourself out and get resentful. Go take yourself out for some coffee and take a breath.
Do you have a plan for what happens if you can’t afford rent? Like, find someone to take over your lease, move back in with parents, find a cheaper apartment, etc. Planning for the worst case scenario always helps me. Make a plan, write it down, put in a drawer and don’t think about it again.
First, I’m so sorry that you guys are going through this rough time!! It sounds like a lot of stress for you both! I do have a few questions though before I give any advice if what might be a good next step for the relationship.
-His job gave him a 2 month notice before he was laid off. Was he searching throughout those 2 months? Or was he just sulking in his depression?
-You said he struggled with substance abuse and was in therapy, but since being laid off has started drinking more and was given the ok to start seeing his therapist less. Was he sober before getting laid off? Have you tried encouraging him to get back into therapy more regularly? I know that may be difficult since he’s laid off and therapy is expensive, but it sounds like he needs more support. If he’s done a ton of therapy in the past, remind him of the toolbox of strategies that he has and remind him to use those.
-when you’re doing everything he’s just sleeping and surfing the web. Is he surfing for jobs or just having a good ol time on the internet?
-if he doesn’t end up getting a job, is there somewhere else you could go that you can afford on your own? If there somewhere he could go so that he’s not homeless?
As someone who had dealt closely with people of various addictions such as alcohol, hard drugs, video games( I know it sounds silly, but video game addiction is very real), if he’s spiraling and has began drinking again, the will to change has to come from within. I’ve learned this the hard way and have watched other people who are very close to me learn this the hard way. No matter how much you want things to work out and no matter how much you want to help, they can only help themselves. It is unfortunate that his job loss is causing so much stress, but you feeling like a care taker is not ok. I’ve been in that position and it caused me a ton of mental distress as well as physical distress. I know it’s difficult bc you care about him, but you have to take some steps back and focus on your OWN wellbeing. As women we oftentimes put everyone else before ourselves, but sometimes you have to do what’s best for you. I’m 27, not much older than you and I’ve learned this the hard way. Please take care of YOURSELF first.
I went through a similar thing with my husband a couple of years ago. He was violently assaulted at work and couldn’t bear to go back. He became a shell of himself and I was dealing with physical illness at the time so couldn’t keep the house in order or anything like that. It was really, really tough. I tried to encourage him to keep up healthy habits, attend doctors’ appointments, always be there to support him when he needed to rant and talk, etc. Sometimes life just goes through patches of being really, really shit and there’s nothing you can do except brave the storm.
One thing we did that really helped was a couple of months in we had a night away together. It was only a train journey away and a cheap hotel but we’d never been and it was a beautiful place and took us out of the house where everything had become kind of clouded with the misery of the current situation. We spent a lot of time talking through everything and having fun and just exploring a new town.
Kind of irrelevant, but a week later he bought a ring and proposed to me. So fair to say it did us good 🙂 hehe.
I really do empathise though. Are his family around to help at all?
He’s your boyfriend, not your husband.
You take a step to move in together and enmesh your lives to see how it works and plays out in the long run.
You can’t nag him into finding a job. That’s on him to figure it out. I get that it’s extremely frustrating, I would be sweating bullets.
Just please please please make sure you protect yourself and your finances in this situation. Don’t spend all your savings trying to keep a roof over *his* head. If you need to take a loss and get out of the lease early and move into a studio apartment by yourself then so be it.
If this goes south, just make sure he’s not in a position to drain your savings or fuck up your credit.
In the meantime, maybe you two can come up with a communication plan. Maybe a designated time once a week to talk about how the job hunt is going so you’re not just sitting in the dark.
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I’m a former heavy drinker who got their act together about 6 months before getting laid off. I don’t want to worry you further, but I’m extremely employable and I’m still 7 months and 1 day unemployed. I didn’t even get interviews until 5 months in, and the process is taking forever and a fucking day. But I think my timeline was worse — getting laid off during the holidays with all of the recession buzz put a halt to things.
It has been a mindfuck. A loss of identity. Thankfully, I had a baseline of stability (medicated for depression, commitment to not backsliding into drinking/other habits) — I’ve handled it leagues better than I expected, and what I’m seeing from my former colleagues.
I understand deeply that a layoff is like grief, and that it is a complex process to navigate. I say this with care: your boyfriend needs to grow up and deal with it.
1. He should immediately file for unemployment. I got approved on top of a decent severance package. YMMV depending on the state.
2. He should consider AA or some other support group. He is clearly not able to navigate this alone.
3. Medication is a great idea, but SSRIs have unpredictable effect on many people. Anecdotally, Welbutrin was a lifesaver for me, and what was necessary to combat my alcoholism. It acts on dopamine and not seratonin, like SSRIs. Just my $0.02, YMMV as well on this point. I’ve had friends who tried Welbutrin and they hated it.
4. He needs to apply, apply, apply like it’s his full time job. And he needs to tap into any network possible. Asking around is key.
5. As other comments have alluded to, don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. He really needs to sack up, sorry to use gendered/“toxic masculinity” language, but it’s necessary for his preservation.
I don’t really have any advice to give, but I was laid off at the good old age of 22 because of COVID. I was kicked out of school and unemployed for like 9 months. I eventually bounced and graduated in December. I also have a good job in my field. Just be patient. My boyfriend had the same worries that you did, but he kept me on my toes. It takes time to mentally recover from getting laid off. I felt like everything was ending.
My advice is that you need to grow as a human, because if you don’t, there will be no one around when you age out of your looks, because you are a bad person.
If I were you I would do EVERYTHING possible to avoid using your emergency fund. You should prepare for the worst. This might also light a fire under his ass to kick it into high gear.
I would tell him that you are starting to look for other housing options and are working to find someone to take over your lease.
I would rather live in a smaller place that ends up being below my budget after my partner gets a new job than going into debt in a place outside of my budget.
Sounds like you are a good partner. I hope when all is said and done he realises you were his rock and he treasures you.
This might be a bit underhand but do you have access to his LinkedIn?
If you know enough about his industry can you find him some coffee meetings with people who might help him find a new role or even talk. Shop with him?
If he even has some part time consulting it will do his pride the world of good and give him a focus.
Even though financially being laid off was awesome for me it still hurts.
You two will need to work on why his job is such a big deal to him that he sacrifices everything when it goes away. But that’s easier to do after he’s on his feet.
Good luck
I was your boyfriend just a year ago, and honestly, cut him some slack. It’s still very recent and it took its toll on him. He needs to find his resilience back and readjust. It’s only been two months. I legitimately don’t understand what you expect of him at this point. Guy is trying.
Get in touch with his therapist, go to therapy with him. Get your own therapist, I think you need that.
Thank you everyone for all the advice. I’m sorry, I’m super all over the place mentally but I appreciate the advice from all angles. Hopefully I can offer a positive update in coming weeks/months.