Long read but plz

It involves sexual issues and other things
I am slightly dyslexic so bear with me if shit isn’t spelt right. (Y’all want some tea lmao)

Ok so I’m not going to go into it much but I was extremely neglected, abused both emotionally and not to often physically. My father has always make me uncomfortable making sexual jokes at me and making jokes about letting me have my way with him- I have a lot of trauma even tho nothing sexually happened.
I think it’s permanently affected me-duh- lmao why would I be writing this if it didn’t.
So my father has Always made sexual “jokes” (I call them jokes because he laughs after making me feel like it’s a joke) My father has a bunch of issues…he’s always made me uncomfortable. He helped shower me when I was younger, he would make incest jokes, he read and looked at my sisters phone looking through her intimate chats and nudes when she was in high school, he looked through my phone and looked at what porn I looked at when I was in high school- I was sexually curious. He’s done a lot to make me this uncomfortable sexually.
This is my issue: sex and talking
This was late 2018 when I got my first job after moving in with one of my sisters.
I met this man at Walmart because he was my trainer for frozen department on cap1. He trained me only for frozen because that’s where the help was needed the most. So we worked every shift together. Maybe a month into working together- everyone was saying we looked like an old married couple and we’re the fastest in that dep. It was honestly fun- looking back I enjoyed it more than I made it seem. So we were working with the frozen lead on making a pizza feature(feature meaning end of the isle two door areas) and an ice cream feature because summer was at the midpoint in the season. He was working the top shelf because I couldn’t work it and I was working the very bottom. I happened to catch him looking down my shirt at my hooge honkers. Lmao I brushed it off but both our faces flushed and he fumbled saying “ I- uh” he cleared his throat “ I-Ima ask what other kinds she uh wants up here” (my fist butterfly’s- boi I knew then I wanted to be with him. So cute) he ended up giving me rides in the morning because my sisters car had an issue- and he lived like 2 blocks away. Super handy btw 🥵 Not to long after that we ended up sleeping together- he now tells me he was scared it was going to be a one night stand- we were scared we were going to get into trouble at work so we kept it on the low and fucked almost every day.
SIDE NOTE: every day for almost 6 months straight… I’m pretty sure I’m either infertile or my uterus is fucked. I have never gotten pregnant- 💦 inside numerous times…
Speaking of only nutting in me- he and I both share a possible breeding kink. I know what that is but with my lack of sexual feelings I can’t quite put my finger on how I like it. We still do this- we’ve never worried about condoms because of the fucking around for the like past 3-4 years.

Now skip to maybe 6 months and we’re living together in his grandma’s basement- I ain’t got no problems with his family and they fucking love me- even though his grandma thought i was a dike
So for the first year of our relationship and getting to know each other we had sex a lot- we both agreed it might’ve been because our own traumas. Mine being because I craved something I never got. Someone’s attention- pure undivided attention. I think his was because of his mother abandoning him at his grandmas house and having two new kids and forgetting her other two. Also him being the accidental occurrence of a rape he made sure I consented when we started our relationship.
None of this was rape- I wanna make that clear now. He has a bad fear of rape because of his mother’s situation.
We moved out after a while of living with his grandma because I was depressed about loosing my job and was in and out of different jobs for a year and a half maybe. Casey’s was laying me off right before covid. So I quit and was 6 months without a job but we made it work. Eventually had gotten a stable job.
We got Married in October of 2019.
Some people think that’s too early but I don’t see the problem with it.
Now we go six months between fuckin and I don’t know what it is. I’ve always been on birth control because my periods use to last for two months straight. I wasn’t on bc for the like 6 months of fuckin we did at the start of our relationship. He says that the pill might not be the full reason- because of my father.
I say I’m asexual because I don’t get turned on or have the coochie butterfly’s or even have that before sex turn on feeling. I FEEL broken. I want sex in my life. I do feel bad for just not doing it for so long- but I just don’t get turned on. I don’t get that want like everyone else does. I have things I Like but nothing makes me want it. I Don’t Want to be asexual. I really fucking hate it. I just want to feel normal.
I don’t understand why I have never craved for sexual interactions. I can’t stand kissing either. Fuck I feel like I’m stupid most of the time because I don’t get the connections like everyone else
I have extreme body issues- I literally can’t look in a mirror because I don’t know who that is. I don’t want to be another gender I’m fine with being a female. I don’t care about pronouns- honestly anything will get my attention- none of them make me feel better about myself anyway.
I want to have a flat stomach but due to a permanent scar due to Pyloric stenosis I will be round like a fat lil potato.
The only things I like on my entire body is my hair and eyes. Even my hair is iffy most days.
I don’t know if maybe I should just stop using bc or ask for a doctors help because I asked for pcos testing never got my results- I have to go to the hospital and ask for prints to research it myself. Because my doctor blames everything on the fact that I’m overweight. I know people are going to tell me to just exercise because of my weight but I’ve always not been able to look at myself. I understand that the person in the mirror IS me but I’m So in attached to my face that I don’t feel like I’m me. But not in a disphoria way