In American culture, what do adult children ‘owe’ their parents for raising them?

47 comments

  2. Nothing. Why would there be an obligation for something the child had no say in? If you don’t want to raise kids – don’t have ’em.

    Now obviously most of us love our parents and would want to help them if they need it, but it’s not something “owed” in a transactional sense.

  3. I’ll be interested to see where this goes. I home health aided my mom and dad, but a lot of people do other things.

    A lot of people might say that, rather than staying nearby, the best way to honor the education and investment they put into you would be to pursue your goals and development as best you can.

    We don’t quite have the notion of filial piety that other cultures do, but that doesn’t mean we have *nothing*.

  6. I mean, if the parents did a shitty job, nothing. Most people are fully appreciative of being raised in a relatively stable home once they lived on their own a bit.

  8. Culturally? Nothing. Individually? It can depend.

    For example, I am in my late 20’s and my parents are in their early 60’s. I’m lucky enough to still have a grandfather with us. However, he requires constant attention from my parents and close relatives which has proven difficult. Because of this, my parents are very vocal about prioritizing mental health and life situation once it comes time to take care of them in old age.

  10. Basically, dont be a thorough fuck up. No one will be on your parents’ side if they want grandkids or to live with you or want you to take over the business or be a lawyer.

    But if they have to bail you out of jail or be sending you to rehab 40 times or raise your kids because you are partying? That’s no good.

    Basically, you don’t have to enhance their life, but don’t ruin it, either.

  11. I would say I don’t “owe” my parents anything, but there are things I want to do for them. I want to make them proud, I want to not waste their resources (get the most out of the education they paid for, etc.), I want to have a good relationship with them. I want to be happy and do well in life in part because I know they want to see me happy and successful. But I don’t feel any sense of owing them any of that, it’s just what I want because I love them. I think that’s pretty representative of American culture.

  12. Mid 40s.
    I feel like I owe it to my parents to make sure they see their grandkids.
    I also feel like they’ll be some point when I have some financial responsibilities. They’re not rich, so if they need care I will supplement as I can. Like I won’t sacrifice my long term finances but I would be willing to forego some lifestyle perks.

    I hope my kids feel the same, though I am financially prepared for them not to.

  13. Compassion in their later years. Generally it’s understood that children are not part of some predetermined deal with their parents. Deals require consenting adults and a collection of cells in the womb hardly have the ability to consent to anything.

  14. This is something you’re going to get a lot of different responses about. While there is such a thing as ‘American culture,’ this issue is one of those things where ‘American culture’ as a whole doesn’t really apply. It depends a lot on someone’s personal cultural background. Americans aren’t a monolith. A lot of people will say they don’t ‘owe’ their parents anything but as a Hawaiian I shudder at the thought. I understand where they’re coming from but our family dynamics are so different that we feel obligated not only to our parents but also siblings and more distant relatives as well. Several Latino friends have also told me putting their parents in a nursing home is basically unthinkable. Other groups might treasure independence a bit more, though. It’s all very different.

  15. I mean your child didn’t consent to being in this world so the best you can hope for is you didn’t cheap out on them as a child both emotionally, physically and financially. If they feel you did a good job, didn’t traumatize them and gave them the tools to succeed and be happy you might be rewarded or punished as a parent. Life can be cruel, you can play a major role in the quality of life they get. It’s your responsibility to choose if you should have kids or not and when you do. If your 21 years old broke and not mature enough to handle kid well that’s on you same goes if your 45 years old and don’t have the energy to play or watch your kid. At the end of the day you are creating life that did not consent to existing you just hope in the end you might be rewarded by seeing your grandkids, they being financially independent enough to thank you with a good nursing home or even better a home in their back yard and most importantly a life long friend that is a piece of you after your long gone and can continue your legacy.

  18. For most people, not a whole lot. I more or less slowed my business down to almost nothing to take care of my parents the last 6 years of their life. They both wanted nothing to do with a nursing home and I did everything I could to keep them at home. Both died in hospice, dad was the first in the hospice startup at the local hospital and mom was at home. I gradually took over all of the cooking until it was all 3 meals the last 3 years. The absolute irony was that dad had been a government employee in the nuclear industry and was eligible for paid homecare for a trained family member. I took online courses/tests for over a month to qualify as a home health care provider. The phone call from the government that I was eligible and I would be on the payroll at about 900 dollars a week came as I was in the waiting room at the hospital in his 3rd day in hospice at the hospital. He died 7 days later; the 3 years I did this for free were not retroactively payable

  19. Absolutely nothing. Any parent who feels like he or she is “owed” something because they made the choice to bring another human being into this ridiculous world is an asshole.

  20. A whole lot of nothing. If someone is having kids because you think you own them and their time now or down the road, I’d argue they shouldn’t have kids.

    Their kids can choose to do things for them as adults, and may feel compelled to. But those things aren’t owed.

  21. Nothing is owed, but provided you weren’t a terrible parent, your kids will love you and still want to help out at times.

    For example, my wife’s family is only an hour away, so if they need help, we’ll go assist, but it’s not transactional. It’s because she loves her mom and her grandparents. (My family would be similar, but I live across the country, so we only see them 2-3 times a year.)

    Really, the only obligation adult children have is to be independent and not rely on their parents so much anymore. Granted, we still call our parents to talk about life, but “living in your parents’ basement” is seen as a moral failing.

    The inverse of this also applies to the elderly, where elders will try to remain independent as long as possible so as not to burden their adult children with their senility.

    Child rearing here is seen more as passing the baton to the next generation rather than creating a bidirectional bond. We want the next generation to be better than us and to not be burdened by our problems.

  22. We owe them nothing, but we should thank them for their hard work by striving to be healthy, happy, and good.

  23. Nothing. Being born wasn’t their choice.

    Having the expectation that they will owe you anything is the absolute worst reason to have kids.

    Love your kids. Treat them well. Prepare them for life. Watch them flourish. Shut your mouth. That’s your job as a parent.

  24. Nothing. My parents chose to have and raise children. I didn’t ask them to do this.

  25. They owe their parents an attempt at becoming self-sufficient. The only thing I want from my kids is the knowledge that they’ll be alright when I’m gone.

  26. There’s definitely an expectation that children will provide some level of help and support as their parents retire and grow old. It’s not nearly as strong as in some cultures though. And there’s definitely an undercurrent of “I don’t owe you shit” with some people in regards to their parents.

  29. Traditionally, western culture saw a moral obligation to take care of your parents as they aged (should they need it). The rise of retirement plans and social security has eroded that. I know some people who are very old-fashioned about the matter, but most people seem to be of the “that’s the government’s job” bent now.

  30. I don’t owe my parents anything, but I help them because we’re family and I believe that’s what families do. If for some reason I needed to take care of either of them, I would do so, no questions asked.

  31. Wrong question.

    I’m not an anti-natalist, which is one of the goofiest philosophical movements ever. I mean, if those people really and truly resent being born, then why not off themselves? That’s about the only way to be authentic about holding that belief.

    That being said, children don’t ask to be brought into the world. It’s often an accident but, more often it’s a decision on the part of the parents to create this new life, this tax deduction, this dependent. The child has no agency in all this.

    So it is the parent who owes the child in terms of love, material needs, and equipping that child to thrive in adult life. Yes, it feels sacrificial at times, but it’s totally worth it.

    My wife and I had three kids. Sure there were times when it was frustrating, when I would have rather spent the money on a trip to Europe than braces, etc. etc. That’s natural. But now that they’re all in their twenties, they are one of the greatest things about what has been an awesome 32-year marriage.

    I mean, when I get old(er) and am in my waning days, I’d like to be able to rely on them. But they are under no obligation.

  32. That is a family culture / personal thing, there is no society-wide level of expectation.

    Myself, I feel like family is family, you do anything you can reasonably do for them. But that also has a lot to do with the fact that my family was always *nice* to me, supportive, loving, and we are all generous with each other. It’s a duty that comes more from the personal relationships in my family than from the mere fact of blood kinship.

    For example, when my mom got too old to take care of her house and she didn’t want to go to an assisted living facility or anything like that, she moved in with us. But I could count on her being a good roommate and to not be a bitch to my wife, and to give us a modicum of privacy and space as a couple and not micromanage our parenting. Which is not something every son could count on from his ageing mother. And she did all that stuff, and she helped out with chores as much as she was able to, both to be helpful and to keep herself occupied and feeling useful. I didn’t do a single load of laundry the whole time, until she got sick. When she got cancer we took care of her and eventually it became a rather grueling several years of invalid care, pretty much a 24/7 responsibility that left us mostly chained to the house with only short breaks. But I felt I owed her that, not just because she’s my mother but because she was the kind of mother who would have done that for us, if we needed it and she could. And she did it for her own mother and for my dad, so I felt like she absolutely deserved someone to be there for her when it was her time. So again, there was an element of filial duty but there was more to it than that. Let’s say, it’s a duty they deserve for being a *good* parent and a good person, but one that can be *unearned* through consistent bad behavior.

    We also took in my sister when her marriage went bad and she was suffering from a lot of health and financial problems and shouldn’t have lived alone. That also turned into an end-of-life care situation, concurrent with my mom’s cancer so that was definitely a lot on us during that time. I’m not gonna lie, there were times when we questioned whether or not we could do it all – but never whether we *should*. But again, my sister was a kind and generous soul who would have done the same for us if our positions were reversed. It was both the hardest time of my life and an absolute privilege and honor to take care of them. I’m so thankful it’s over, and i would do it all again in a heartbeat.

  33. Most parents don’t want anything, and most Mothers specifically seem to have no issue taking care of their children well into their 30’s.

  34. Technically you don’t owe anything, but the accepted thing to do is take care of your folks when they’re older and need help. I’m not saying this is the case for everyone and I realize it’s just not feasible in some cases but it’s socially acceptable to help your parents out when they grow old

    My grandfather is older and in a wheelchair now so my mom will take him to appointments, go grocery shopping for him, and just generally hang out with him whenever she can. Stuff like this

  35. While people are saying that adult children don’t owe their parents anything, a lot of Americans have a sense of duty toward their parents. I know people who’s parents were bad or they have a rocky relationship with them, but they still have a sense of obligation to their parents. They’ll still spend time with them, help with things around the house, or act as a means of support in old age. However, I’ve also known people that have cut off all contact with their parents and wouldn’t feel obligated to help them.

    I understand and sympathize with both perspectives. If a parent is emotionally abusive and toxic, I don’t think their adult child should be expected to maintain a relationship out of duty. However, there is probably a base sense of obligation to one’s parents.

    Personally, I don’t view necessarily view it as owing my parents something, but because of my love for my parents, I take actions to express this love. But I also grew up with great parents and have a great relationship with them.

  36. Nothing.

    They didn’t choose to exist, their parents decided that. Therefore they owe them nothing.

    Certainly parents who do a good job raising their children will have children who feel obligated to help them as adults—but there are plenty of bad parents out there and I won’t begrudge their children from cutting ties as adults.

  37. Nothing. Parenting isn’t a transactional activity here where you raise kids under the assumption that they’re going to somehow pay you back for all you did for them.

    If your kids are your retirement plan, you’re putting a lot of unfair expectations on your kids.

    I hope when my kids are grown up they would still want to have a relationship with me. But they don’t “owe” me anything for raising them.

  38. Nothing. It was their choice to have kids. Raising said kids was the job they chose to have.

  39. I don’t expect anything from my daughters — I want them to build the lives they want. They both want to be doctors of some variety (this week it’s vet and obstetrician), so I’ll do everything I can to help them get there, because it’s their dream and I’ll be as supportive as I know how.

    And… if they want to have lunch with us as mom and I get older, we’ll be very happy to join them and pay the bill 💚.

    We made a decision to raise kids… not with a goal that they’d wipe our asses at 90.

  40. What do I “owe” my parents? Nothing.

    Do I love them and want to help them, and do I help them as I’m able? Of course. They’re in their 70s and still fairly able-bodied, but I have been grateful to live near them so that I could drive my dad to doctor appointments when he had surgeries a few years ago, drop off groceries during the worst COVID waves in our area, take them downtown to get paperwork for passports, or even just pick them up to go to lunch. As they get older and need more help, we’ll figure it out as we go along.

  41. For most people, there are a few decades when both they and their parents are capable, independent adults who don’t need each other for financial or practical support. Nothing is owed either way during that time, and anything the adult children and parents do for each other is a gift, not an obligation.

    The relationship changes again when the parents become very old and unable to manage their own affairs. At that point, it’s normal for adult children step up and help them. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing or just my personal opinion, but I wouldn’t think very well of someone who ignores the needs of their vulnerable elderly parents.

  42. We generally value independence. So all that is owed is that eventually you make a life for yourself.

    However, my personal belief is that you owe your parents as good of golden years as you got a childhood. It’s the circle of life. My parents gave me their all when I was a kid, and I’m going to do everything to make sure they’re comfortable in their older years. I hope my kids do the same for me when I’m old.

  43. From my perspective there is somewhat of an expectation that you’re not going to damage the family name by being an inveterate drunk, abusive partner, unemployed and uncharitable to things like your church and alma mater.

    Nothing you can touch.

  44. Which American culture? There’s a variety of attitudes and cultural aspects to families here, there isn’t a monoculture that’s specifically American.

    My family, we take care of our elderly parents. My grandma lives in her home with all her kids supporting her financially and checking on her to make sure she has everything she needs. My wife’s family, she grew up with her grandparents living with them.

    More than likely one of my parents will end up living us one day. We’d probably build a “granny flat”, which is the common nickname for a smaller home on the property. The nickname is self-explanatory.

  45. Depends on the American.

    Around 8% of Americans are Asian and 20% are Hispanic/Latino. Those cultures tend to be have expectations of children to take care of aging parents.

    Plus, tons of other families have similar expectations. And heck – children funding heir parent’s assisted living communities is *very* common.

    It’s highly individualistic, really.

    If you ask people “do you owe your parents for raising them?” – most will say no. But if you ask them “will you take care of your mom when she gets older?” you’ll get a slew of answers from “yes, she’ll move in with me” to “I’ll move to be closer with her” to “I’ll pay to put her in a nursing home”.

    If you have a good relationship with your children, getting *no support* is strange.

  46. USA is a very forward looking culture. Sometimes that’s great. Kids owe nothing and just look out for their own kids. Sometimes that’s kinda shitty. Kids putting their parents in shitty retirement homes just cuz they don’t owe their parents anything.

  47. Absolutely nothing. Not a damn thing. Not even long term contact. They don’t owe them grandkids, they don’t owe them visits. Nothing they owe them nothing.

    Before someone trucks out filial responsibility. It’s strictly financial, and almost never enforced. If you don’t sign your parents into a retirement or nursing home they will not come after you. Basically there has yet to be a case where they came after a completely estranged adult child. There is only one case from Pennsylvania that gets dragged out and they had checked their parent into a nursing home. Basically it’s exceptional for it to get enforced where there is only a small handful of cases and the adult child was on the sign in documentation.

    Though reality you owe nothing to blood relatives. There is no obligation or responsibility to take care of them and stay in contact with them especially your parents. My advice if they are toxic and abusive cut contact.

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