Ok so to start my husband and I have had nothing but an amazing relationship. No really big problems until recently..
I noticed he started to play less attention to me and stop planning dates and doing nice things. Which was so out of norm for him. He’s always been the more sensitive one between the two of us and has always made me feel so special and went above and beyond to spend quality time together. We have an 8 month old and I do know things change after a baby but honestly she’s a pretty easy chill baby and we have so much support with babysitting. Our sex life was still there (we’d still do it at least twice a week). He’s always always denied watching any type of porn, even going to the lengths of reassuring me and telling me that I satisfy him in every way and would never need that. So this past weekend he stayed at his grandmothers house. Away from me and the baby for the first time ever. I woke up Saturday morning to a text (to the group chat with me and my MIL) of a link. I opened it up without looking at the title and to my surprise it was porn. And to make matters worse she looked absolutely nothing like me. The body type, ethnicity, literally NOTHING like me. And it was some corny story about how she was cheating on her SO. His excuse “I was just horny and couldn’t wait for you”.
To make matters worse when I asked him what it was he denied and lied about it. Saying he has no idea how that got sent and he didn’t watch it. After a while of lying and attempts to cover it up he caved and told me he did watch it. I couldn’t believe it. In our whole basically 2 year relationship he’s never ever to my knowledge watched that. He has had a problem of trying to cover things up when he lies. But omg I feel so hurt and betrayed… idk what to do I don’t feel good enough and my self esteem has hit rock bottom. I just had a baby, I’m breast feeding, and working. I know my body isn’t what it was prior to the baby but I’ve been hitting the gym and working on it. I just feel so betrayed and don’t know how to get passed it. He apologized but I am so hurt. I wanted some space and To make things worse when I told him how upset it made me I found him looking up how to hurt himself. Now I’m worried I cannot be upset or he’s gunna do something like kill/hurt himself. Idk what to do at this point. I feel like I can’t trust him and I feel so shit about myself. Any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated.
EDIT:
Ok wow I totally didn’t think this many people would respond! I haven’t had a chance to respond to everybody but I really appreciate everyone’s advice. I thought I might add that I did not have the expectation that no man watches porn. I did come to the relationship fully knowing that men do however, I was not the one that brought up porn he had, and has brought it up several times in a relationship stating that he loves that he never has to watch it because of how much he loves, and is attracted to me. I would not have had a problem with him watching it. However, what I do have a problem with is the lie! I do plan on sitting down with him and having a good talk, and seeing if he would be willing to be more open with me. I think I was insecure because of the lying and do see that maybe I do have some body issues that I need to address on my own!
TL;DR
My husband sent me a porn link he watched and jerked off too after swearing he never watches it. Lied about it. Then when I got upset was looking into harming himself. I feel so hurt how do we get past this.
35 comments
Couple’s therapy
This whole thing is super suspicious to me
I’m not knocking him for watching porn. We all do it. Who cares?
But how does something like that even accidentally get sent to a group chat? The only plausible scenario is he meant to share it with a friend?
Or the other scenario, what are the chances he’s seeing someone, she took his phone and sent it to the group chat out of anger or spite?
relaaaaax its a normal thing for dude, we all sometimes masturbating, whats the deal. He is sexually active all the time, and first week without having regular sex is a challenge probably. I’d rather see it as a positive thing ,than cheating for real. With porn you open up new ideas for sex you can borrow some ideas and be self creative in bed. I think its great. No need to worry at all. too much dramatisation i see only… hope it solves for you guys!
It hits my self esteem too but just remember give him freedom not control and he will come back to you
**You need to communicate, not escalate.**
I think the biggest WOW moment in your post was when I noticed that you kept making things worse… ‘To make matters worse…”
You were upset because she didn’t look like you, and, that’s you having some expectation that he didn’t meet. You think it would be better if she looked exactly like you? No. You’d be creeped out. Most people who enjoy porn enjoy porn that has nothing to do with their partner, or even, sex acts that they actually want to be involved in. It’s FANTASY. You are his reality.
Then you point at your own body and how you are unhappy with it and that made things worse? No. You were already unhappy with it – that’s why you are hitting the gym. But – he’s not jerking off because he doesn’t like your body. He’s jerking off because he’s human, and he uses porn because it’s something he enjoys.
You need to stop stacking offenses on top of what he did. You are the one looking to make it a bigger deal than it is.
And it is a big deal!
He lied to you. He didn’t just discover porn, but knowing you aren’t a fan of it he denied using it. He fucked up, and not in a small way. When caught he lied again – all for the same reason. He wanted to keep you in his life and not piss you off.
Listen, I’m the first guy to yell at people who try to control what others read/view/do with their own bodies. You don’t get to tell him how to use his own penis/brain any more than he gets to tell you how to use your vagina/brain – but – in your case he never even gave you the opportunity to discuss him liking porn, because he denied it from the start.
So yes, you do have a problem, and yes it’s a big one… and here is my advice.
​
1. Schedule a meeting with a marriage counselor. You need to discover ways for both of you to communicate better. He has to feel like he can say anything, and you need to accept that he gets to be himself without a dozen “to make matters worse” where you pile on. You will also need to find and use tools to rebuild your trust in him.
2. Sit him down and tell him that you want to talk. You need him to be honest even if it’s not something you want to hear. That he can’t say he’s not into something he likes just to make you happy. You want to know who he really is – the good and the bad – and let him know that if he keeps lying, your marriage won’t be a happy one. Do not let it turn into a fight. Do not look for secret meanings and insults in what he says. Make it a safe environment to talk.
Well, the one way to make things worse would be to pin him in a corner and make him feel shame over something 90% of men do all the time.
That which we repress emerges inflamed and distorted. Or that which we resist, persists. Whatever way you want to say it, it’s truth about human behavior. You can’t stuff things down and have healthy outcomes.
Fantasy and self-pleasure is normal. Porn is pretty mainstream. Making him so fearful about talking about it is toxic. Clearly morality doesn’t align with reality here.
The only thing he did wrong was lying to you. That’s not a small thing.
But everything else is your own insecurity and you need to work on yourself. Trying to shame him over his watching porn is a problem you have. So take some responsibility for your own feelings. He needs to take responsibility for lying.
I’m curious here; I don’t care if my dude watches porn, in fact I prefer to incorporate into our sex life in a safe and consensual way. Am i weird?
1. Why would he share that? Who did he really mean to send it to?
2. Him pulling away is a huge red flag, on top of meaning to share this with someone else
3. The lying.
Sounds like he is cheating on you. I have no idea why people are skimming over some things.
I’m genuinely surprised (in a good way) that the comments haven’t devolved into the common anti-porn agenda that sometimes hits this sub. Cause porn itself isn’t a bad thing. It has its place. Men are primarily visual when we knock one out, so porn is often just a means to an end.
Why would I watch porn that features someone just like my SO. I’ve got them to fill that very delightful niche. Porn is for the stuff I don’t get.
There’s some really negative language in your post that another Redditor has already covered brilliantly. You’ve decided to make your problem your husband’s – you don’t like porn so it’s bad if he does, and you’re understandably struggling with body image so you’re making this whole situation about that.
And instead of seeing the impact it’s had on your husband, with potential self-harm, you aren’t considering that he’s clearly struggling too.you’ve immediately made that another inconvenience to you.
The pulling away sounds like someone with depression. Both of your lives have completely changed and maybe he’s not adjusted to the new him yet.
And let’s look at what he’s actually done: watched some porn. He isn’t sleeping with other women, spending the kid’s college fund, gambling away your house, or planning a coup.
He watched some porn.
If your reaction really relative to the issue here?
He shouldn’t make you feel less than by denying everything to your face. On the other hand he might be feeling embarrased because he knows you will berate him and judge him which also makes him feel like shit and like he has no safe space to openly talk to you about his sexual needs and desires. It takes two to tango. His emotions matter too even though he should have handled it better. Porn is natural. I watched it even in my relationships (I’m a female if that makes a difference). But lying to your partner is wrong. That’s the only weird part here for me. As a grown adult in a committed relationship he should confess his fantasies to you and ask you what yours are, too.
ETA: If he has a porn addiction that is another thing entirely. In that case you should still have an open discussion to talk about your wants and needs and how to treat said addiction through therapy. Addictions don’t always have much or sometimes anything to do with the addict’s partner(s).
I feel you, this would hurt a lot. I too had the porn conversation late in the relationship, when it crossed my mind and i started wondering whether my partner uses it too and the thought made me feel horrible. Luckily he said he hasnt since our relationship and he doesnt like the idea of me watching either.
Your situation is trickier and i dont know if there is much you can do. You are allowed not to want him to watch, he is allowed to watch if its a dealbreaker to drop it. But you dont have to stay with him.
You could try having heartfelt conversation about how it makes you feel and how strongly it affects you. A lot of men wont care at this point either. Or he might lie and say hell stop but continue and hide it better.
Your feelings are valid. Girls are only recently had the courage to break from the “cool girl mode” and talk about how they really feel about it, not everyone likes it. Its like cheating for me personally: wanting to watch other people objectively hotter than me hurts just as much as a drunken one night stand would.
People telling you to “snap out of your insecurities” dont understand it doesnt work like that. Sure you can go to therapy and try to learn how to be okay with it, just for him to continue and do nothing. Or he can go to therapy and learn not to watch it. Somehow society says women are the problem here and not the fact men literally cant stop watching while women easily can live without it.
Go check out subreddit love after porn if you want to read more empathizing replies than people here have. Not everyone gets the hurt but women there sure do
Okay. I havent seen it yet so i have to mention that threatening self harm when your called out on your bs is manipulative and border line abusive. (Its probably past that line, but i dont feel like arguing with the men of reddit today.) Also, no matter how easy it is to accidentally send a link theres no way he made that mistake on the first time watching so..
It may not be a huge deal that the girl didnt look like you, but other than that i dont think you should let folks minimize this or somehow share the blame with him.
He sent it to his mother as well? Weird shit
Just curious but what’s your ethnicity and body type and what was the ethnicity and body type of the porn?
He shouldn’t have lied to you but I wouldn’t take personal as far as what the person looked like. I’m widowed now but I was married for almost 15 years with a son. My wife did truly satisfy me in every way, even with weight gain around her pregnancy I never was turned off by her. Any changes were natural and I always thought she was beautiful. I rarely watched porn but when I did there was never really any conscious thought as to what the person looked like physically. I’m not making excuses for his dishonesty but he was probably really embarrassed and didn’t know how to act. All the best!
Porn is normal he shouldnt feel like he needs to hide it. Just saying. He should lie either. I see wrong on both sides.
What’re you like 65 and conservative?
Did you all ever talk about the role of porn in your relationship before this? Was it a banned thing for the both of you?
There seems to be, as always in these situations, a miscommunication or total lack of it. Which totally happens, and is totally normal. How in the world is any couple supposed to remember all the things about being human, ya know? But the way you described it, it sounds like he’s ashamed of himself. And that shame may come from all different places, not just that he was watching it.
All men watch porn, I’m surprised you actually believed him at any point. It’s very normal, and has nothing to do with you. Let him wank for goodness sake.
I’m very interested in what your MIL said to the porn link.
All guys look at porn and jerk off the fact u are surprised by this shows how naive u are, it’s not a big deal, making it into some heartbreaking event instead of laughing it off is the problem.
Why do you care if he watches porn?
He obviously lied about watching it.
Chill out.
I mean- I air drop it to the whole airplane 🤷♂️
Who did he mean to send this to? Certainly not you and certainly not his mother.
Very suspicious.
Who did he intend to send it to? He meant to send it somewhere.
I don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting porn out of your relationship, and I don’t think he’s unreasonable for wanting to watch porn… however, the way both of you go about this is what’s unhealthy. People mess up… the most important thing to do is create a space where both of you can explain your thoughts/feelings since it’s obvious both of you are having a hard time with this.
HOWEVER, what’s most concerning to me is the self-harm portion… I used to be friends with someone who used threats of self harm as a manipulation tactic. I don’t use the word manipulation lightly, but trust me, if that’s what’s happening then it is the biggest problem you have here. In fact, if it’s not manipulation and he’s going through it, it’s still the biggest problem.
Who did he mean to send the link to? That’s what I’d be just as concerned about?
So he shouldn’t have sent it in the group chat. But he’s not allowed to watch porn?! Does he have a prob addiction? I don’t get what the big deal is. Is he allowed to masturbate?
>he started to play less attention
>to make matters worse she looked absolutely nothing like me
Men like variety. So guessing ur agaisnt it?
> he lies.
When was the first lie u found out about?
>I don’t feel good enough and my self esteem has hit rock bottom
Why? Him watching porn doesnt mean ur not good enough.
>feel so betrayed
Why? Was this a boundary u gave him?
> found him looking up how to hurt himself.
Thats when u call police.
> feel like I can’t trust him
No trust=no relationship
>I feel so shit about myself.
No reason 4 that imo.
Your post comes across as really insecure. He watched porn. He probably lied at the beginning bc he thought he could pull it off and realized his mistake and came clean
It’s just porn
Who tf has look up how to hurt themselves?
You guys can sit down and talk about it, what were the reasons behind this and what can be done in the future to stop this behavior.
As far as him trying to hurt himself you can tell him you were joking and ask him not to say that again and move on from there
>In our whole basically 2 year relationship he’s never ever to my knowledge watched that.
You have been together 24 months…and have an 8 month old…so you were together about six months and decided to have a baby together?
Him watching porn and lying about it is just ONE of your problems, honey.
OBTW there is NOTHING wrong with watching porn. Hell I am doing it right now, on monitor 2!
LMAOOO. Girl, it’s PORN. Why would she look like you? Most guys watch porn. It has nothing to do with you. Is it the aftermath of the baby making you feel insecure ? Or did you always feel that way about him relieving himself? Regardless, relax. And have a convo with him about i t without sounding so insecure because he sounds like he’s afraid to piss you off and be honest with you.
“most guys watch porn” damn y’all act like a man can’t respect if his woman doesn’t like it? & yes i read that she wouldn’t care. but it’s annoying to constantly see women acting like another woman upset about it is funny or something. not everyone has to like it or be ok with it and if a man can’t respect that then he can buzz tf away.