I (F35) hurt the feelings of my partner of 9 years (M36) and he says he won’t speak to me until we leave on our trip in a few days. Should I let this slide?

tl;dr: I made time for my weekly dance class, but not for dinner with my partner this week because I was busy, and he’s upset and says he will keep to himself until we leave on our week long trip Sunday. I’m fed up after a year of fights and wondering if I need to give him an ultimatum to resolve this before we leave.

We’ve had a rough couple years. We both work from home at high stress jobs. He’s been working 100 hour weeks at a new job, and is always exhausted. We fought a lot, and he was often “too busy” to resolve our fights. I’ve been very understanding of him being busy, but a couple months ago we were on the edge of a breakup because I was fed up with always being in a fight. We did have some good talks finally and got to a better place, but we’re not fully recovered. He does not want to go to couple’s therapy and gets annoyed if I bring it up.

I’ve been working a lot too, and pretty much living my own life while he disappeared for days at a time. I picked up a new hobby (swing dancing) that I really like, and made new friends there. It’s one of the only times in a week that I leave the house and get to socialize. I tried get him involved, but he’s not interested. I’ve been going to a class for it every week for about 6 months and it’s really important to me. I’ve also enjoyed my trips for work and sometimes taken extra time to visit friends/family nearby. It bothers him that I’m so happy to be away from home for a couple weeks, and I think my new hobby bothers him too, because I wear my favorite outfits and makeup to go dancing (I do the same when he and I go out — I rarely get to dress up!). He’s been feeling that I don’t want to be around him, which isn’t true — it’s just that he doesn’t want to do any of the things that really bring me joy. The main activity we do is watch tv or go out to eat when he has time. He doesn’t like crowds or social events.

We leave for a week long vacation on Sunday. I’ve been scrambling to finish some work this week and working long days myself, just as he wrapped up his big project and finally had free time. I’ve supported him through a lot of tough anxious nights where he was stressed, but this week I pulled back and a couple times told him I couldn’t go out to dinner or hang out because I was trying to get this big project done before we leave Sunday.

I debated skipping my class this week, but felt so burned out that I really needed to get out of the house. When I told my partner I was going, he immediately looked upset that I would take a break for my hobby but not to spend time with him. I tried to talk to him about it and defend why I wanted to go (we’re about to spend a whole week together and I’ll miss my class next week) but he said he didn’t want to fight and walked away.

I thought he would have stayed to talk if it was a big deal. So I went to my class. He texted me that he wished we weren’t leaving on our trip soon because now he wants to be alone, and that he’s going to keep to himself (aka not speak to me) until we leave. I was honestly shocked by this and a little pissed off. I’ve set aside my own needs and plans quite a bit this past year to spend time with him when he was stressed or having anxiety. He has chronically asked me why I’m so good to him and at other times has told me he doesn’t feel secure in our relationship, and that I’m going to get bored or leave. I have always reassured him that I love him and value what we have, even in the rough times.

I tried to smooth things over when I got home and give him a hug, but he was hostile and said he felt awful and didn’t want to speak to me. He repeated that he was going to “keep to himself” until we leave, and I told him I wasn’t going to go on a trip with someone who was giving me the silent treatment. He said “ok” and walked away.

This whole situation feels insane. I understand why his feelings were hurt and that it was insensitive of me to choose my class over time with him. I get that this is feeding into his anxiety about me not wanting to spend time with him. But this reaction feels completely over the top. This isn’t the first time he’s acted this way in a fight. It’s common for him to go a few days being “too busy” to talk when we’re fighting, and I’ve already reached my limit with this kind of behavior.

I’m seriously wondering what to do. If he actually doesn’t speak to me all weekend, I don’t think I can do a long plane ride with him, and I think missing/ruining this trip would end our relationship. I don’t want to sign up for another decade of fights like this. At the same time I can’t imagine ending things over…me going to a dance class. Advice?