Let me start off by saying, that yes, i am very open about my asexuality and mention it in my profile, in messages, and i openly talk about it on dates. Another red flag (for some people) I started to mention in my profile that I have a more conservative personality. Though I’m interested in the guys I date I’m not the hugging and kissing type when I’m just meeting guys. I try to adjust, so I do hug on greeting and saying goodbye, but it feels fake because we’re still strangers and it’s not that genuine type deep hugs when you’re more familiar and comfortable with someone. I’m just trying to show some sort of “normal” physical affection in case guys are reading me as not interested in them because I’m not making out and bear hugging on the first date.
I always seem more interested in my dates than they are in me. I’m not sure if it’s something that I’m not clear about or something or not doing. Maybe it’s a mismatch. Maybe it’s the asexual part. I’ve tried being extremely transparent about everything but it seems like after date two or three the guy becomes lackluster. The interest and enthusiasm just isn’t there. I feel like I’m the same person I was in the profile and first date, but wondering if they thought I’d become different. I don’t know.
**Guy 1:** The most recent two guys I met seemed promising, but I’m getting that feeling as I usually do that something is off. One guy I met is poly. He’s married I’m single, so I’m wondering if my expectations are off. First date was really nice, he seemed really progressive and liberal . I had to reschedule because of endometriosis issues (not sure if this is why, but could be). Second date was off. He had already started to text less and I mentioned some activities I wanted to try, but he didn’t mention he wanted to try them with me or was open to doing any other activities. He mentioned he was going out of town with his wife. I can’t remember how long, but I haven’t heard from him two weeks. I recently reached out, but have heard back, so I think I’ve been ghosted.
**Guy 2:** Most recent guy is going well, but something was off yesterday. He usually texts a lot, but was a little silent yesterday and today. I want to say he’s busy, but this is usually what happens right before I get ghosted.
I always feel like I’m the one more into them than they are into me. I think most people are often the types to still go on dates with someone to see “what if” even if they aren’t feeling it 100%. Whereas, I’m like if anything is wrong on a date I won’t go on another one. If I’m leaving my house, getting dressed, up looking pretty it’s because I actually want to see them. If I 100% didn’t I wouldn’t even leave my house. I know people will say don’t do those things, but I like doing things and I feel it’s also how I show interest in what I’m doing who I’m with. I dress up to meet friends, go shopping, etc. I’m not in full on formal wear, but I’m not wearing a faded oversized tee and ratty yoga pants I wear to clean in or sleep in. If I actively engaged in convo, making eye contact, and showing up on time I want to meet them and why the guys do that as well (for the most part), it turns out the interest isn’t always there. I feel like I’m a pity date. I rather they just bow out/cancel if whatever it is they aren’t looking for isn’t there or they feel they need to see “what if”, if they think they’ll be a “spark”.
Anyway, I don’t really know what my question is lol. Maybe this is more of a rant. I would appreciate a hard ghosting, like full on umatching me from the app or blocking my number (have I been blocked by guy #1?). **Do you think there’s specific questions I should ask or certain was I should describe myself?** I think a lot of the guys I date are much more affectionate than I am and may equate my lack of affection to disinterest. Geez, I didn’t realize it was this long 😬 Sorry y’all!
**TLDR: I like my dates more than they like me. My dates usually seems to be enthusiastic, but become lackluster and showing disinterest after date two or three. How can I better screen or is this unavoidable. It happens to me a lot. Am I a pity date or overreacting? Can ghosting be predicted?**
18 comments
I definitely don’t think you should date poly people unless they’re really open about how they think you, as an asexual person, fit into their relationship plans. While it’s possible that a poly person may be looking for a non sexual relationship with someone other than their NP, I think that’s a minority.
I’d guess a lot of people just see you as attractive and hope they can get over the asexuality thing without putting any thought into what that actually means. Maybe asking them if they saw that in your profile and what is means to them might help? (maybe you already do this)
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I’m a woman who dated men. My experience was that they did not say “thanks but no thanks”. Ever. They just dropped the communication either suddenly or tapered it off.
That’s all this sounds like.
Sex is very important to most, if not all, men with a functioning penis and a source of testosterone. Other men will lie and say its not. But for that majority of men, sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship.
My best guess is that despite you being open about your asexuality, it’s likely that they don’t fully understand it or understand how it affects them, and by the second or third date.
Edit. Also men don’t do a lot of profile reading. Some do but a lot don’t.. we look at pictures mostly.
Disinterested dates typically show you their disinterest. This is what you’re getting, it looks like.
I don’t think you need to change your dating strategy. I feel similar to you; why waste my time on someone I don’t want to go on a date on? And I also like to dress nicely in the beginning? First impressions are important, and it’s fun to feel like this is more than just a friendly hangout.
Trust your gut feeling. These guys are not compatible with you. No judgement if you want to see these guys to make sure, but they sound like they’re making you doubt yourself. And you shouldn’t!
Im a guy, I feel like if someone is taking the time to go on a date, it isnt usually out of absolute boredom and they have atleast the interest in getting to know you more. Possible they dont know what your Asexuality means, or maybe they think they are so studly they can break your lack of interest in the past…(even guys cant guess at other guys’ rationales sometimes). That said I feel like it would be easier in your situation to make friends than dating partners, I myself am not sure how dating someone who is Asexual would look like, but I imagine it to be just like having a close friend rather than what i would consider a partner.
I dont know that its possible to know if youve been ghosted, but my philosophy has always been if I notice that they never reach out unless they are responding to me, I’ll stop sending that first text, and if a week goes by and I dont hear anything from them, I guess they werent interested and I forget about them. I dont know who out there has considered me to have “ghosted” them because of this… but I really dont care, there has to be initiative taken on both sides. so for guy 1, id consider him gone. guy 2 well you didnt tell us much about him. Its not impossible for someones life to be busy for a day or two that their texts are less thoughtful or complete, this could be an indication of fading interest, or it could be his mom died and hes going through some ish that he doesnt want to bring a near stranger into for support. Cant really guess on that.
Hope this helps a little?
The reality is that most men are on dating sites hoping to have sex. Maybe they want sex as part of a LTR, maybe they want hook up, maybe they want to date casually, but these all will hopefully lead to sex. After he’s gone out with you 2 or 3 times and sex doesn’t seem likely, they re-evaluate their investment and decide if it’s worth making any further investment. It sounds like your dates decide that they are unlikely to score and fade away. Could you aim to date other asexual people or other low libido folks? If not, do you make it clear during the chatting phase that sex will not occur for at least several dates (to try to weed out the guys who don’t catch on to the whole “asexuality” label)?
you seem anxious and like you’re prone to oversharing information, and liable to act like you need to sell or otherwise prove your worth to others. that will put most people off as it looks desperate.
stop compensating for your asexuality by believing that you need to show off how intimately accessible you are in other ways, because rather than showing your skills at intimacy, you’re just looking needy towards people you rightly realize you haven’t authentically intimately connected with yet.
I think you’re taking rejection a bit too personally in these cases
Unfortunately the only way for people to get to know you and see if they feel a connection is to go on dates. That IS a big commitment of time and energy.
Realistically people are very complex. You can show up and be 100% authentic and honest and yourself on the first date but it doesn’t mean the other person necessarily has enough info to know whether they want to be with you forever. That’s why people have second dates, and third dates, etc.
And no matter who you are or how you act, plenty of people are going to make a choice within the first 3 dates not to move forward. It’s not a “pity date” it’s just realistic to not necessarily feel 100% sure about a stranger after just two hours of a first date.
As an asexual male, I get the exact opposite. When on a date, the other individual seems more into me. Then they typically get pissed off at me or ghost me because I wasn’t “in” to them. Which I am assuming it means I am not being aggressive.
Sexuality is important for most men and hard for them to look beyond that detail. Compromise or find someone that’s just as asexual. I hate to say it and admit about myself but most would consider or expect it after a few dates.
I am confused. Ideally wouldn’t you be dating only asexual men?
What I’m getting is that you think things in black and white terms – you won’t leave the house if you aren’t 100% into them, and they should not go on a date with you if they are not 100% into you. While in reality things are usually all shades of gray. Especially in the first few dates, I don’t think many people can say they are so sure about their partners in the early stages.
I suggest that you try to embrace the uncertainty, don’t think of the dates as the beginning of your new relationship but an opportunity to get to know someone new.
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Sex is a big deal in nearly all relationships. If you are not sexually compatible, it just will not work out. Unfortunately, I think youre going to run into people who say theyre ok with asexuality, when in reality theyre just hoping youre going to change your mind and they’ll get to be the special ones. When they realize they aren’t, they lose interest. hard pill to swallow. sorry for formatting, ipads are dumb.
What you are describing is pretty common with online for most women, It’s a process. Men looking to hookup are going to bail the more effort/longer it looks like it will take to get sex. Consider this weeding out bad matches.
Seeing if you can find men looking for legitimate connection or try meeting people in person through shared interests ex: meetup app events, a sexuality community events, volunteering, etc. look for things that make you feel your best and the people you need on your life will show up.
I feel like some people’s sexuality is their entire identity. Maybe that’s turning people off 🤷🏻♀️
I mean most dates go nowhere. That’s not unusual at all. Also, if you have something unusual about yourself, asexually etc, expect that to be more frequent