I have post this previously but have deleted it to edit some details and make a new throwaway account just in case.
I’m a reddit lurker and has recently come across the term \[parentified\] and what happened recently made me wonder can the term \[parentified\] be applied to me?
For context:
I (34F) am the oldest of my siblings. I have 2 younger twin brothers (A&R 28M).
When I was 6, after my parents had my younger twin brothers, my mom started teaching me how to change diapers, prepare milk, how to carry my brothers and how to do house chores. I would take over majority of it as I get older. Growing up, my parents would constantly tell me that I’m the oldest so I have the responsibilities of taking care of my brothers.
When I turn 10, my parents decided to focus on their business so I had to be my brothers’ caretaker; from making sure they finished their homework’s to cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing etc.. (my brothers help with the chores when they are older)
And when I turn 16, after getting my driving license, my parent bought me a car and everything was thrown to me. I would drive my brothers to school, dentist, doctor’s appointment, basically any events. I would attend any of my brothers school events whether it is major ones or minor ones because I know how lonely it feels without anyone there. I would chaperone their outing with their friends so I knew their friends’ parent.
My parents wouldn’t attend any school event, except for parents teacher meeting, citing it all as time wasting. Anything that involve us would be time wasting in their eyes. Birthday was also considered time wasting so my brothers and I have a tradition of baking cakes and celebrating our birthday together. Graduation was also time wasting.
Funny enough, my parent’s friends birthday wasn’t considered time wasting. My parent would prioritize friendships over their children every time. There is no such things as family vacations, my parents would rather go on a vacation with their friends.
The only thing my parent will provide is financial support and that is all. For my parents, as long as we don’t bother them with our “issues”, they are more than happy to provide things financially.
When I graduated from high school, I had the opportunity to leave for college but I choose to stay and attend the local college because my brothers are still young and I don’t want to abandon them like our parent did.
When my brothers graduated, the 3 of us decided to move out together. My parent were more than happy to pay for the apartment.
I only started dating in my 20s and had a few failed relationships because they could not accept my brothers’ position in my life. The only one that accept and gets along with my brothers is my fiance (D 36M). D and I have been together for almost 6 years now, and he’s wonderful. D understand my brothers’ position in my life and actually makes the effort to hang out with my brothers which led to their monthly boys only night.
D’s family are amazing, they accepted my brothers and I with open hearts and arms. We are included in every family event. D’s family have 3 sons, no daughter, and D’s dad would invite my brothers to his family boys camping trip. And I would get spoilt by D’s mom on out ladies day out. It was amazing experiencing such warmth.
So onto the main point:
A week ago, my brothers sat me down and told me that now that they are financially stable (A is a IT developer and R is a physio therapist) and have their own apartment (we live 5 to 10 mins away from each other), they wanted to give me a % of their salary so that I can quit my job and do whatever I want. They want me to experience things that I had missed out in the past, travel or indulge in my hobby. I was surprised by it and when asked why, my brothers said their friends was talking about giving their parents money for them to ease their finances and also for their parent to slow down and enjoy their life.
When my brothers heard this, the first person that came to their mind is me because I raised them. I didn’t answer because I was baffled by it so they told me to think about it.
When I talk to my fiance about this conversation and how surprise I was by it. He grinned and told me that he actually knew about it because my brothers had a discussion with him on it. I guess I had a confused look on my face, because he just poked my forehead and said “You are practically their mom and dad” and reminds me of the things I did for my brothers growing up.
When D and I were dating, I was pretty vague on how it was like growing up, just enough for him to know that I took care of my brothers. Turns out, my brothers took it upon themselves to tell him all the details during one of their boys night out when D and I were dating for 1 year. According to D, my brothers ask him about his intention for our future and when D said he was serious, they then told him about our childhood, how I raised them and that they thought of me as their parent, which make him decided then that I’m the one for him (LOL). Apparently he told his family about it too, which makes his family love me and told him if he doesn’t marry me, they would disowned him and adopt my brothers and I (LMFAO)
Which also reminded me that my brothers would make the effort to buy me flowers and make me meals on mother and father’s day. I would get expensive gifts, like jewelry, bags etc. while my parents would get gifts card.
So all these came to the question, was I parentified?
Would it have any affect on me if I were to have kids in the future?
Do I need therapy?
And how should I go about with my brothers’ request?
For more context:
1. When my brothers started working, the 3 of us move out of the apartment our parents paid for and move into the ones we paid. After a few years, we move out into our own apartment. We still live near each other (about 5 to 10 mins distance)
2. Our relationship with our parents are civil. They would call or text when they remember they have children and we would have dinner once in a while. Conversation often turn into awkward silence as compared to my brothers and I which are endless.
3. My parents are not close to their own family. We would only see them once a year so my brothers and I don’t have anyone to turn to when we were young.
4. I’m thinking of asking my brothers to walk me down the aisle for my wedding, will it be weird? (I don’t know how my parents are going to react to this). Wedding will be paid by fiance and I.
24 comments
>Do I need therapy?
Do you feel like you need therapy? From what you wrote it sounds like you and your brothers are all healthy functioning adults and you have built a life where you are surrounded by people you enjoy/respect/care about. Thats better then most of us are doing out here!
Therapy is never a bad option for anyone, regardless of their circumstances.
But yes you became your brother’s mom. You were the one to help them grow up and have been there for them. Their gesture is incredibly kind and just shows how great of a role model you were to them for them to offer this.
If you have kids in the future you’ll be a great mom. You already have raised your brothers who have turned out to be great people. You’ll be great at being a mom to your own kids too.
As for your brother’s request, that’s totally up to you to decide. Personally I’d want them to build up their own savings and retirement so that all three of you could live comfortably long term. Maybe tell them that you’d settle for a paid vacation instead.
But overall congrats on raising what seem like two great guys.
If you can’t figure out on your own how to feel about all this, then yes, you do need therapy. Personally, I’d be uncomfortable making myself dependent on someone else’s income, no matter how well-intentioned the offer. I’d also want to look out for A and R’s own future partners, who may not agree with D that you should all still be enmeshed in each other’s lives to the degree that you are. But when you’re literally being told your brothers think of you as their parent more than their actual parent, I’m not sure why you’re still questioning whether that qualifies as parentification.
This actually made me cry a little. What great brothers and husband you have!
I cannot say you need therapy but you can feel very lucky to have 3 wonderful men in your life and you should embrace that and them ❤️
Lady, you have such a big heart. You don’t need therapy and what you learned by taking care of your brothers will carry you way beyond your own children. You bothers love you because of everything they have done for you and have given you the gift of choice to not work if you don’t want to.
Never look at what you did as a burden as you have make a huge difference in your bother’s lives and they are truly grateful for everything that you have done for them.
Good on you and congratulations for keeping your family so close through all these hardships.
I do recommend therapy. My older sister was overpaternalized too. To the day her body does not know how to relax. She always has to make sure we are okay and she still feels responsible for us. Therapy is starting to help but it will be a long way.
Children who have been overpaternalized often become adults who struggle to simply enjoy life, and allow their bodies and nervous system to be fully present and calm. Often these types of adults are always finding things to fix and keep busy.
Allow yourself to be spoiled by the love of your brothers, go to therapy and focus on your healing journey. You deserve it
this is the most unexpectedly wholesome post i’ve read today. it is so sweet that your brothers see what was unfairly put upon you and see you as their parental guardian (but, i repeat, that should **not** have been your responsibility).
it sounds as if you have a loving, wonderful relationship with your brothers, and with D.
i don’t think therapy is necessary, but i think it could be helpful to have a trained and neutral third party to discuss with as you think through the potential repercussions, pros and cons of not just your brothers’ gesture, but also your future as an individual, D’s partner, a potential parent, and how those things may change as new players (such as future brothers’ partners) come on to scene.
do you want to quit and immediately do the things your brothers suggested? is there a way for them to contribute to future desires/goals that works for all of you?
all in all, you’re in a really wonderful place and i wish all of you a very healthy, happy, and long future together. there’s clearly a lot of love to fuel it.
Oh honey( quote from how I met your mother, a tv show) You wrote down the answer.
>Which also reminded me that my brothers would make the effort to buy me flowers and make me meals on mother and father’s day. I would get expensive gifts, like jewelry, bags etc. while my parents would get gifts card.
😍😭 Oh my heart. That’s so wonderfully kind of them.
Yes, you were parentified.
And yes, it might be beneficial for you and maybe your brothers, to talk about stuff in therapy.
I think their gesture is a wonderful idea, but you are all very young and I don’t think you should retire fully. But perhaps they would be willing to pay for a long holiday, something very relaxing for you? Maybe even 6 months to a year, if that would fit with your career?
Back to therapy, yes definitely get individual therapy before adding to your family. Once you hit certain milestones with ages and experiences, you may find yourself feeling unexpected emotions (and maybe anger at your parents).
Consider, if you have the contact details, reaching out to your extended family.
And yes, have your brothers walk you down the aisle to your fiancé. Your parents can just be guests. (just like your life)
Oh, sweetheart. You raised some fantastic people in tough circumstances. Well done!
Give their suggestion some thought. It doesn’t sound like it’s a one-time offer, so think about it, seek out some therapy if you want a safe space to talk about it, and then see where you’re at.
Definitely ask them to walk you down the isle! Who cares about what it looks like or what your parents think. It’s *your* wedding. Get the memories and pictures that *you* want.
If you ever miss a mom or dad, we’ll happily have you at r/MomForAMinute and r/DadForAMinute.
Do u need therapy? NO!
Sorry what happens to u growing up. Your parents were wrong. Quit working and see what happens. U deserve…..I mean EARNED a break.
I’m a guy and this made me tear up. Lucky dude.
You were their mum and you did an amazing job. You shouldn’t have had to do it, but you should be very proud of the job you did. They are two kind and generous men.
Oh honey. I just want to say that I think it’s absolutely wonderful your brothers see you as the figure they want to take care of.
It seems to me that you have a wonderful little family. If you feel funny about accepting your brothers money, I’d like to make a suggestion: as them to put that percentage they were going to give you into some kind of account that will gain interest. For a rainy day. And that if you ever need help in that case, they can give it to you then. Or they can use it if there’s an emergency. Maybe you can do the same.
To answer your other questions:
You were absolutely parentified. You should talk to a professional, even if it’s just to check in and make sure you’re doing okay emotionally. Especially if you’d like to have kids in the future.
AND ABSOLUTELY ASK THEM TO WALK YOU DOWN THE AISLE!! In my not so humble opinion, that honour is reserved for someone in the brides life who the bride loves and respects above anyone else in their family. That’s your brothers. They would be honoured, and I’m like 100000% sure nothing would make them happier.
I’d hug you if I could. Because you deserve all the hugs and love that they all give you!
– Yes, your parents did parentified. They chose to not be the parents you deserved.
– It will likely have some sort of an impact on how you parent later on and I think that working on oneself should be a lifelong thing and there’s nothing wrong with discussing this with a professional and it could help you with all the questions you have going on and help you feel better about how you interact with your parents in the future too.
– You’re brothers are a testament to your raising them! If this is what they truly want to do, find a way to meet in the middle so you are all comfortable with what they want to do to show you love and appreciation. It would likely mean the world to them to do this for you so go with it.
– Please let them walk you down the isle!!! I love this! I am a true believer in, it’s your wedding. Not your parents, or in your case, lack of parents. Have your parents there only if you actually want them. Weddings should be about being surrounded by those you love and who love you.
Now about D….I’m also truly all mushy reading how supportive he is for you and your siblings! I’m also happy that you didn’t settle for anything less, as that is what your parents tried to teach you, and that you did in fact figure out for yourself that you deserved to be truly happy and you surround yourself with people who truly love you.
This went 180 from what I expected
Yes you were 100% parentified.
Therapy honestly is great even if you have no issues. Humans are like sponges, we absorb the good and the bad and if the bad is just a little hard water it’s still best to wring it out with some therapy.
I was able to acknowledge and work through it but having it dawn on you and finding out about parentification is a trip. You will have certain moments of joy now that you know you were a product of it and you’ll be like ‘WHATS THAT?!?’ and find something new and enjoyable that normal people are like… Ding Dongs? You will have moments when you might breakdown and wish that you had experienced for yourself, like watching parents hug their kids. Everything is ok.
I would make a list, let it be as childish as you want, and do those things once a week or once a month with your chosen family, your brothers and your fiancé. Did you ever experience going down a slide at the park? Go do that! Did you ever get curious about being on a skateboard? Go! Have your fiancé or brothers hold you. Did you ever want to make a pillow fort and watch a series of movies with nothing but candy you would see other kids eat? Do it.
I think therapy is great but you can also start to heal yourself because as of until the moment you found out about it you probably didn’t contemplate that you lost a childhood. Actually maybe not lost because we see it as taking care of people that were younger and needed it but you didn’t get to experience some things through a child’s eye. Heal that part of yourself that you didn’t realize was there, you have a beautiful support system let them be your trampoline if you get a little down.
Damn sounds like your raised your brothers right. You’re a boss. I don’t know if taking a salary from them is the answer, but if there is some schooling or thing you want to do that you can’t because of work maybe get them to help you pay for it and afford the time off. They want to support you having a better life and more freedom because of everything you did for them. So maybe find a way you can really make the most out of them returning your love and generosity! Good luck! You deserve it
This is very sweet. I was a stay at home mom and it hurt my career. I would be wary of any arrangement that would leave you vulnerable if something were to happen to brothers or husband but you were definitely parentified. It’s not even legal to leave a 10 year old alone in the US. Accept a trip or art supplies or think and decide what you want. I would Accept a Small percentage or gifts as they can afford. And only for a time. I would then save for my retirement and enjoy my life. I live that you have this closeness with your brothers.
Therapy will help you understand what you’ve been through and teach you ways to cope or just give you a safe space to vent to a professional without worry about burdening someone.
How you want your wedding to go is up to you and your fiance so just talk with your fiance to get the only other important opinion.
As for the money, that’s up to you. Personally if you enjoy your job you can keep working and encourage them to save up money, they can always help by pitching in a bit to your wedding if that’s what you feel more comfortable with? You also don’t have to accept or deny it, think about it seriously and choose what you feel is best. You can always change your mind but make sure you’re keeping communication going strong so no one’s blindsided. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
Yes, you were very heavily parentified. As long as you understand what they did to you was abuse and you don’t do the same to your kids you should be fine. Therapy can’t hurt, but we can’t know for sure if you need it or not. Your brothers offer is up to you. Do you want to retire already? Maybe you could accept for a bit to cross some things off your bucket list and then go back to work. It’s definitely very generous of them.
Yes, you were parentified. Yes, it will affect your future because you know what you don’t want for your children (the two you have already raised seemed to have turned out wonderfully!). I would think seriously about your brothers amazing offer, take some time. You’ve worked very hard and deserve a rest. Find the dreams and wishes that were all stolen from you after age 6 and have a wonderful life! And what an honor to have them both walk you down the aisle! Leave your parents where they are at and get busy with the rest of your life!
I wanted to rage about your deadbeat parents forcing you into a role that was never meant to be yours, but I realized this wasn’t their story. It’s yours.
You accepted this role and put everything you had into it. Even though you were just a child yourself, you became your boys safe place as you singlehandedly built their foundation. You are the one who fed them, and took care of them, a constant presence they trusted and felt safe with. You made their birthdays special, you watched over them when they were with friends, you took them everywhere, you made sure they laughed and felt loved. You didn’t give up when they had bad days, when you did. You made sure to always be there every event, no matter the importance of it because you couldn’t stand the thought of them being alone like you were, so it was your face they searched for in the crowd.
Then you found someone who wanted to be your foundation. To love you and your brother’s unconditionally. To give you the family you always deserved.
And now, because your boys love you so, so much, they want to take care of you like you took care of them. Look at what you did, my love. Look at those amazing men you raised. YOU did that.
Many blessings to you and yours . . . 🖤
Tell them that you want to make sure they have their finances in order so they can retire but you wouldn’t say no to them financing a trip every year thst you can all go on. Make some memories together.