I (25F) have been married with my husband (26M) for 3 years now. While dating our sex life was amazing, spontaneous, no complaints on both sides honestly.
However, after getting married and moving in together, the casual porn we’d sometimes watch together (as per his request and I agreed, no problem watching together for me once in a while) turned into a necessity for him.
It escalated from us watching it together here and there, to most of the times we had sex and then all of a sudden our sex life started to die.
So I got worried and we talked about it, I suggested making home videos as he enjoys recording and watching, gave him a tantric massage once to bring back the spice (which he deleted from his memory and says never happened for some reason 🙁 ), rubbed his back often, told him even if I was sleepy I’d love to be “bugged” and woken up to his boner, had the house shining and meals ready so he had nothing to do but come to bed and give it to me lol HELL I even suggested a 3some as I am bi (which didn’t work bc he was more excited and focused on finding the other woman than focused on us)…
Meanwhile, he started taking longer and longer “showers” and “poops”. One day, after he’d been in the bathroom for over an hour with the water running, I needed pee. And there he was, beating it furiously while masking the sounds with running water. I felt so betrayed and grossed out, not because of the masturbation per se, but with the fact that I was in the bedroom next door, wearing a maid outfit after cleaning our house all day and waiting for him to get out of the shower so we could have some fun… and he was there hiding from me like I’m his mom or something.
After that it kind of became a habit. Not only he’d be up gaming late night and fall asleep on the couch, more often than next to me (which I begged for). I was even woken up once to the bed shaking and he was masturbating next to me, which honestly broke my heart (that’s one out of at least 10 incidents that happened btw, but I let most slide in the hopes he’d stop).
We had another conversation but nothing really changed, which is when I told him I give up, gave him some lube and told him to please get me a vibrator so I can get off too. Which he did, and even though that’s not what I really wanted at least now we were both “sexually independent”.
We still had sex here and there, but it lacked intimacy to me. It felt like he was just using lines he saw on those videos and wanted to kind of recreate them, which made it feel very impersonal and made me feel like a fleshlight basically… again we had more conversations about it.
Fast forward to over a year of this, he realized how it was damaging him, his erections, libido, my self esteem and our bond and he says he stopped.
Now we were having sex at best a couple times a week, which is the least I’ve ever had in any relationship, and I expressed that. But he would prefer to game/watch TV until he passes out on the couch than coming to bed with me, even though he says I’m not the problem and he desires me, he just “happens”to pass out. Okay…
When I was finally coming around to gaining back my confidence and trust, he said we should get sex toys and I was so excited to maybe rekindling what we once had.
Until, when the order arrived, I saw that he got one extra thing: A SILICONE PUSSY 🙂
Which he made sure to spend a couple hours in the bathroom playing with the day it arrived, even though we had plans for that night that he said he was just gonna shower for… (needless to say plans had to be canceled).
Now, every time he touches me I just cringe at the thought of what video he may be thinking of or how much tighter than me his toy must be. And I just tell him to please, masturbate now because I don’t want him to be abstinent because of my insecurities.
He insists he has stopped with the porn, even admits he had a problem and just needs me to initiate things more… that if he felt desired he’d fuck me more. Even though when I was doing all of that to make him feel desired things were just the same.
So after 3 years of this I can’t bring myself to let loose anymore, let alone initiate anything. I was already struggling enough not to let my S.A trauma affect our sex life.
In my head, he’s proven again and again I am either an afterthought or the next best thing after his hand and “habits”. So even when we do have sex, it is just weird. But he insists the problem is just me not initiating things to make him feel wanted too. And I get that, I really do. I’d love to initiate it like I used to, but I am mentally drained from this process.
I DON’T WANT to and CAN’T compete with porn stars and tight toys for attention that should come so naturally (and always had). So I keep telling him to just go fuck his silicone and not to worry because I am numb by now to the whole thing anyways.
Needless to say the relationship is crumbling, but I still feel so guilty for not putting myself through uncomfortable sex, that I have to dissociate to get through, once a week so he can feel like we’re okay… the only times we actually have it now are after I am asleep, he wakes me up and after a bunch of “no’s” from me I give I’m afraid to upset him or make him relapse.
So, has anyone been in a similar position? Is this even worth trying to save once again or should I just count my losses and move on? It’s all very confusing as he claims to have quitted, but the betrayal from hiding it still hurts. Plus, please enlighten me on how quitting works when a silicone pussy takes priority over plans with someone you love? I’d just don’t know anymore…
26 comments
Just know his porn addiction is all about him and nothing to do with you or your attractiveness. He needs to understand that you have been trying and due to his actions are burnt out and its going to be all on him for a while to initiate until that love and trust is built back up.
Couples therapy.
Even if he isn’t watching porn anymore he is still masturbating which is the real problem here. He needs to stop that if you are going to really fix the issue. I am not trying to say masturbation is ALWAYS bad. But he obviously has an unhealthy obsession with it. Maybe suggest he stop for a short time and see if he is receptive.
I would have crammed the silicone vagina up his ass though. He can’t even keep you satisfied but he is trying to add other holes? Why?
Sorry but you guys aren’t going to last you brought up the problems and he is gaslighting you to think it’s your problem no it’s his please don’t listen to him he is the problem not you he needs to stay single since he likes his hand and I seen a lot of guys that masterbate a lot get ed
Wtf bro u need to leave and find a man that’s gonna pipe u down instead of beating his meat
Watching porn re-wires your brain and teaches you to objectify women and to only be capable of arousal from porn.
Just divorce him and find someone new. This time make porn a deal breaker.
Edit: sorry for my salty tone, I’m genuinely frustrated at the amount of men who let porn destroy their marriages
My husband had a porn addiction. The FIRST time it caused issues in our sex life, he stopped immediately and we started doing home videos (I have SA trauma myself, and so I go through dry spells where I cannot enthusiastically consent to sex, and he refuses to have sex when I’m not having a good time).
When I am sexually active, he doesn’t ever masturbate. The only times he does is when I’m in dry spells (and then he asks if I want to be included at all, and only watches what we made), or when I physically cannot due to health issues.
Does he still miss porn? Yeah, sometimes, especially when he’s stressed. But does he value our relationship, my mental health, and our sex life far more than that? Yeah. And so should your partner.
Dude has a porn addiction and that is no good thing. I doubt he has quit watching porn. He truly needs to stop and to get therapy or no matter who he is with, the sex won’t be good.
He needs therapy to deal with his porn addiction
I’m going to be honest, it’s over. Even if he never touches any of that stuff again and made you feel amazing again the damage is done he will always be the guy that took away your self confidence and chose that over someone he was supposed to “love” he may change 🤷♀️but your opinion of him after never will and shouldn’t it’s his fault he has the problems not you.
Go find someone worthy of you who makes you feel like the amazing women you are! ❤
P.s don’t worry about him too much I’m sure his silicone will ask him how his days been 🙄
Sounds like you caught the ick. It is extremely difficult to get rid of it.
You are so young, there is no need to make yourself miserable with a porn addict.
What are the reasons to stay with him? You’ve given us a ton of reasons why you should leave. Why should you want to stay?
Why are you staying? Why would you sacrifice your own sex life abd gratification. Just leave already
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Had some mental issues last year, and my wife cornered me and asked what was going on. I hadn’t even realized I hadn’t touched her in months. I can’t imagine dealing with that for 3 years. I get you must love him, but why put yourself through that. I am all for fixing things before leaving, but in this case, I think you need to choose you. Hoping for the best for you.
Jesus Christ.
The last part shattered my heart for you OP. If you say no then it is final. Don’t let him beg for sex. You saying no is valid no matter how upset he gets. Please get away from this situation. *hugs*
Please don’t stay girl. In your post your saying that he’s been doing that since you were 22!! Your a great age to start over and find someone that matches your sex drive and makes you feel Desired. I just ended a 6 year relationship that started when I was 20, and let me tell you 25 or 26 is not an old age to find some pretty amazing men. Cut your loses and tell him to get help cuz he’s in his 20’s having this problem already then he has a long road to go.
This is all on him. I say stop wasting your time in this marriage.
There’s nothing here anymore. Forget about who started the db. The db has made the entire relationship toxic. I don’t think you two recover from this point.
Just one thing. Sex toys aren’t there to be competed with. If your next partner has toys don’t think you have to compete with them.
I have experienced exactly the same thing.
Your husband is a porn addict and sex addict. It’s highly dangerous.
Sadly my relationship ended because he just kept falling back in to his addiction.. our relationship suffered and we stopped having sex as time progressed. We tried everything but he was too deep in to it. I’d wake up at 2 am, 5 am he was always jerking it in the bathroom. I wanted to have sex badly but he always turned me down.
Then he forgot how to love me and became numb and then he cheated and got together with another woman because he needed excitement.
This is serious.
You’re 25. You are so incredibly young that I want you to understand there is *no reason* to tough this relationship out anymore. You met him where he was at, repeatedly, and he kept moving the line. He kept forcing you to adapt to things that made him happy even though they made you uncomfortable and self-conscious. That is not a partnership.
He’s young too, so I have hope that with enough self-discipline he can turn this selfish behavior around. You haven’t “quit” porn if you’re still thinking about it and replaying scenes in your head when you masturbate. If you’re still drawing on those memories of watching it, and I’m positive he is, you haven’t stopped anything but using a screen. You can’t undo this conditioning for him. He has to do it himself.
I really believe the two of you should consider a separation, and both get your own therapists. It sounds like this marriage has done a number on your self-esteem and your morale. I’m sure you love him and I think he loves you too, but your partner should uplift you with their everyday actions and words, not beat you down. You are way too young to be feeling this tired and hopeless.
Wow. That’s all kinds of fucked up. Get away from him.
Why don’t people realize that Porn RUINS relationships. It’s unhealthy it’s addicting to the point they have watch it to get off. Honestly, the relationship is probably over. Sex something that’s supposed to be intimate between 2 people, without outside help.
Consider leaving him for a MAN
You’re way too young to give up on your sex life. And it’s a two way street…. So I live in an apartment building and a package was shipped from Amazon to a tenant who lived here years ago. So we opened it and one of the items was Swiss Navy. I want everyone to know about it 🤣 Adding a new element to the experience can spice things up a little bit and I’m relatively prude. Just saying. 🙈
>*Is this even worth trying to save once again or should I just count my losses and move on?*
**NO, it’s not; cut your losses.**
Never stay in a relationship with an addict be it gambling, drugs, booze, sex, porn, gaming, or anything else. Addiction is addiction. And your husband is ***still*** an addict even if he’s really given up watching porn (which I highly doubt). It’s in his head and it ain’t going anywhere!
This will continue to tear you down emotionally and there is no coming back from this. You’re only 25yo; you have a *lot* of life left to live.
* Get out now.
* **Get divorced.**
* **Get yourself some individual therapy**/counseling; it doesn’t have to be for years upon years, but you need to find out why you think it’s *your job* to fix his disinterest in actual sex!
You need to learn how to establish/maintain boundaries, how to ask for what you need, how to give/expect reciprocity in a relationship. You give *way too much* to your husband and receive *way too little* in return. This marriage is making you “smaller” and that is unacceptable.
Unfortunately Porn Addiction is real, you know it’s real because it’s manifesting and causing problems in your personal life. Have him get help for that before any couples therapy, hold him accountable for his actions. I’m sorry you’re going through this but his brain has been rewired to get off on the fake sex rather than the real thing.
I would’ve left. There’s a very real chance that even with therapy, you will resent him for everything he’s put you through. Don’t allow what he’s doing to have an effect on you and what you want to do in the future. You deserve to be loved and respected.
He has a SERIOUS porn addiction. Unless he’s actually willing to fix it, I don’t think anything is going to save your sex life.
I’d maybe check /r/DeadBedrooms because that’s where I see your bedroom heading if he doesn’t fix his porn problem.
Last note: go to couples therapy if you want to save this.