Looking for different perspectives- my gf of 7 months just comes clean about having incurable STD
I’ve been dating this girl for about 7 months now and we recently decided to move in together. I love her wholeheartedly but just can’t see a way past this.
We have been in a monogamous relationship since the end of December and have for all accounts been very happy and we grew closer than I imagined we would to be honest or(So I thought). She has been a great companion, partner and lover. She’s always supportive and appeared to have my back through the good times as well as the tough times. But over the last few weeks we (she) started experiencing some rather worrisome symptoms especially during/after sex. She made an appointment to go to the doctor and be checked. I must say that I was happy she was going because there had been a few times over the course of our relationship that I actually became concerned myself and confronted her asking if it was possible that she had some type of std or some other issue in that area. Always blowing me off she would reassure me that she didn’t, that she had literally been with one other person in the last 8 years. (We are both recently divorced) and to be honest I felt like with a number like that I had about the closest thing to a virgin that I’d ever seen. Lol. But still something inside of me kept thinking differently. So this morning before she left to go to her doctor I flat out asked “are you sure that there’s no way you have anything, mainly herpes”. I told her I just had a nagging feeling. She said “not that I know of but if so I guess we’re about to find out “ we kissed and she was gone. A few hours later I’m in the backyard when she gets home and I of course immediately asked “how did it go” she said she has a bacterial infection and they gave her some meds and everything would be good in a few days. Then she said “but I think we need to talk” about what I asked and she said about what you asked me this morning. I knew instantly and said you have herpes? She says yes that she did but then completely shocked me by downplaying it and acting as if it wasn’t a big deal. Everything changed right then. In front of me I saw a girl I didn’t know. A woman that I had somehow fallen in love with but didn’t know the first thing about. I felt so betrayed and disappointed. And then she insulted my intelligence by saying some of the dumbest shit. “I didn’t think I could spread it if I didn’t have an outbreak “ , “it’s been 10 years since I’ve had a problem with it” then goes on to tell me how she was too scared and embarrassed to tell me and all the things that you would expect to hear from an uninformed person. Problem is neither of us are that. I feel so confused and frustrated and betrayed. I’m furious and instantly knew I’d never believe anything else she said. Ever. I haven’t been tested yet but have an appointment tomorrow but at this point regardless of the results the damage is done. Right? I mean there’s no getting beyond this, is there? I mean what about things like integrity, morals, respect, dignity, honesty, compassion and trust. Could someone that’s so easily willing to jeopardize everything in the name of shame or embarrassment be worthy of even a second thought? But damn I love her. And had she just told me up front I would have admired her for being honest and educated myself on how to proceed. I would have not even considered leaving her for it. It’s not the herpes I can’t live with it’s the deceit. Opinions welcome!!
28 comments
You are completely valid in your feelings. It was irresponsible and outrageous that she didn’t tell you that she had herpes regardless of if she was having an outbreak or not. You aren’t a random stranger on the street–you have been her partner for over 6 months.
I wouldn’t be able to get past that either.
I’d let her go. She knew what she had and chose to make a decision for you.
Wow, what bad luck to have herpes after being with just one other person. I agree that she should have been up front about an STD, but you’d be surprised at how many people lack basic understanding of science. I say give it a few days to calm down and see if she is apologetic and proceed from there.
I would break up to be honest. I wouldn’t be able to forgive this kind of lie.
I totally have your 6 on this one. But if you test positive for the herps you may want to reconsider as you would now both be in the same pool.
While it is incurable and extremely common, I think the problem is that not only did she know about having herpes for the past 10+ years, she lied to you about it. I would not be able to get past that.
Many people misunderstand herpes and there is an awful stigma around it, especially with dating new people. It is perfectly okay to have your own boundaries and say no, I don’t want to be with a partner that has this. It is also okay to be with someone that has it. But… she didn’t give you that option.
If she’s willing to lie and mislead you with this, what else will she lie about down the line? People that lie about having stds are some of the worst imo. I understand shame and stigma, but you owe your partner the truth so they can make decisions for their own health and safety.
I’m sorry she did that to you. It happened to a friend of mine and I saw how it affected them first hand. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Don’t know about you, but if someone who has told me they love me, then lied right to my face for months, I’d be kickin somebody down the road. If she can lie easily about this, she can lie about a whole lot more.
Honestly what she did is illegal. Having an incurable STD and not disclosing your status is a form of assault, you’re knowing that you could cause irreversible damage to the person by spreading said disease and doing it anyway.
One, seven months is way too soon to move in together. Slow down, there’s no rush. Two, she endangered your health and lied to you about it. She took away your ability to give informed consent. There’s no going back from that.
I’d leave. She endangered you. With no regret. I’d leave.
Sorry, brother. Not good. I hope you stay healthy.
I get the stigma she might have felt about telling you however you are both adults and she robbed you the choice of choosing to be with her or not by lying to you about having an std that is with you for life, that is huge betrayal. I don’t think I’d ever be able to look at her again, but that’s just me.
Everything you are feeling is valid and a perfectly valid reason to go your seperate ways. If you do decide to split and you test positive, you now how have to deal with this in any future relationships with someone due to her selfishness and negligence and thats no fair. Crossing my fingers on a negative result for you! Sorry this has happened.
I would have dropped her on the spot. She risked YOUR health and took away control over your own body.
This is not a person you want to be with.
I’m not sure where you live but I think I’m some places around the world it’s illegal to hide that kind of information from a sexual partner.
I feel sorry for you and I wish you lots of luck.
Not quite sure why you thought she was close to being a Virgin , you said she had had one partner in the last eight years , what about the 10 + years before that , could have been an absolute free for all.
But hey yeah the absence of truth did it for me , I’m out.
I wouldn’t be downplaying this life altering disease that she might’ve given you. Herpes is not something to be nonchalant about. And it should be illegal to not inform your partner.
People really need to educate themselves. [78% of people on the planet have either HSV1 or HSV2](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-many-people-have-herpes). Because oral sex is so prevalent, they are no longer differentiated as oral or genital since you can get type 1 or 2 either place.
Doctors rarely test for it anymore because it is so common. Also, the tests are not terribly accurate, with at best a specificity of 65-85%. It’s also a very lengthy visit in the clinic having the herpes talk “you could have gotten it as a child, we can’t tell who gave it to you or for how long you have had it, most people who have it never know because they thought it was just razor burn and then never got another outbreak, I don’t know if your wife is cheating on you…”
OP doesn’t actually know he doesn’t have herpes himself. Like I said, it is not routinely tested for. So he should get tested, but if he is positive, there is no possible way to know that he didn’t get it from before.
Seriously, unless he has negative HSV 1 and HSV 2 tests from before he slept with her, then there is a 78% chance he already had it already.
Coming from someone who’s probably had this since the age of 8 (through non sexual contact -herpetic Whitlow) the worst thing about having this disease is the social stigma surrounding it the very fact that when you tell people you become this disease this unclean person and not the same person they were attracted to initially attracted to it’s frightening to disclose out of fear of being judged for something even an obgyn will tell you is not as pressing as people may think that’s why there’s no cure for it and more people have this than we are willing to admit because of the stigma just sit down and have a heart to heart with her about this don’t forget the person you fell in love with is still there she just might have some extra baggage but she should’ve been straight forward with you but don’t be so quick to write her off
I couldn’t get pass this. She should have been honest from the start or at the very least always insisted on having protected sex to protect you. I can understand the shame, I don’t understand the selfishness.
It would be completely justifiable if you dumped her immediately and never spoke to her again. This was an egregious breach of your trust and I’d never be able to trust her again.
I think it’s possible to get past if you want too. You need to take some space and let her think about how her deceit hurt you. If you chose to move forward be clear that any deceit will not be tolerated and end things if it ever happens again.
I do think what she did was wrong but shame can lead people to hide things out of fear. You have only been together 7 months addressing something shameful isn’t something that comes up really early in dating.
She chose to be honest now- you are essentially punishing her for telling the truth if you leave now. She didn’t have to be honest and come clean- she wanted to be real with you. She trusts you enough now to come clean about what she hid. Just giving the other perspective
I’d end the relationship over this.
If that thing is transferable to other peoples and you already have it , please stay together so you can contain it between the two of you. Don’t go out there and contaminate other unsuspecting people . Please stay together.
Run
>integrity, morals, respect, dignity, honesty, compassion and trust.
She has shown you she doesn’t have any. And unless you want a partner who does not have these qualities, and who will choose selfishness over your well-being (yes, she will do this again) you leave and don’t look back.
>It’s not the herpes I can’t live with it’s the deceit
And that’s your answer. You need no other reason.
You were concerned enough with the first symptoms to ask her about it and all she could think about was how you could pick your health and safety over being with her. You didn’t choose this dynamic in the relationship because you weren’t given the choice. It’s understandable to not give out all this information she considers embarrassing when you start dating. But lying about it repeatedly when asked directly is a choice. A bad one.
Staying with this one isn’t gonna help you OP. You’re gonna spend the rest of your life questioning her integrity (which she has already proved she does not have). **You both are not compatible and I suggest you put your energy into building a healthier and meaningful relationship with someone who loves and respects you enough to be vulnerable with you rather than trying to mend this one.**
Really sounds like the kind of thing a decent person would disclose. “Hey, I have a lifelong STD that you could potentially contract”
>I mean there’s no getting beyond this, is there?
Nope.
I would be so put off by her falsehood and lies.
Even if she claimed incompetence, it’s a bit like “well whoops I didn’t know i couldn’t give my 2 months old baby peanutbutter” *shrug*
You kinda need a partner you can rely on.
We don’t fully know a person until we’re together 3/4 years. Maybe you guys moved in too quickly:-(
Sorry OP.