I saw a post about an 18 year old guy having regular sex with an older woman and the replies were pretty good and thoughtful since I am in a similar situation lol but some questioned what the advice would be if the genders were reversed, and I didn’t even think about that but now I kinda want to know what some people think.
I’ll start out with giving some back story. We met outside a bar (legal drinking age is 18) as they were closing. He saw that I wasn’t feeling well after talking to me and my friend and called me and my bff a taxi. A few weekends later we met again at the same bar and I remembered him. I thanked him and we hit it off. He basically told me that he was freshly out of a relationship and he was set on being celibat for the rest of his life (lol), we talked for a bit and he was a bit flirty but definitely not coming on to me like dudes my age. I tried kissing him at the end of that night but he leaned away and gave me a hug, pretending he didn’t notice.
The day after he texted me and said that he didn’t want to lead me on since he was not interested in any sort of relationships but that I seem great and stuff. I just sorta laughed it off and said that it was fine, but that my parents would never allow me to date a 39 yo and that I wasn’t interested in him “emotionally” and told him that he has the most beautiful hands I’ve ever seen and I just kinda wanted to see what they felt like (can’t decided if this was smooth or just cringe now, thinking back at it lol but seriously, his hands…. Just the right mix of clean and manly lol)
It took a while for him to reply, but it basically ended up with us deciding if we meet again and it feels right, we might do stuff.
And now it’s been like 3 months and we’re fwb. Neither of us are interested in getting together romantically but we have a goodass time together.
I think he’s cool and stuff and he’s definitely hot but I don’t actually want to get together with him, he might have like 10 years left of looking good and I don’t want to spend my 40s+ caring for some old guy lol
So, is he taking advantage of me?
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It sounds like this is something you want. And you understand the limitations for you on the arrangement compared to being with someone younger. You can stop whenever you want. I hope this works out satisfactorily for both of you.
Well, you’re not going to marry him already. As long as you like it, enjoy it. This is your life and how you live it is up to you.
All of the advice in that thread about the common caveats to age gap scenarios apply here just the same, the most significant of which is to not become dependent on the older person, but from what you’ve written here that clearly isn’t going to be an issue. If you start catching feels, you might want to pull back, or you just might end up caring for an old guy in your 40s or you might end up heartbroken.
Other than that, if he’s respecting your boundaries and you’re having a good time with him and you keep it casual, I don’t see how it’s going to cause an issue for you.
Love the first comment is sounds like this is ok for you on this post vs telling the guy that it’s wrong that he’s in a relationship with a 40yr old woman
“He might have like 10 years left of good looks”.
That hurt. XD im nowhere near 50 but damn. Lol.
You are of legal age, you can legally fuck anyone you want. Enjoy him and have fun!
You seem to be doing okay, even thinking long term. I’d say reddit validation holds little value, so I’d hope you have a nice support system (friends, family that care about you) so you can run through them anything that might worry you about this relationship.
That’s the key really, having people around that can give us perspective while we grow and learn. Most abusive circumstances occur while the victim is alone or being isolated. You lose perspective and end up lost within your own biases. You seem to be aware of the risk of a power imbalance, and I want to mention de risk of developing feelings that go against your “plan”. Risk’s may coalesce into reality or not, you just need to be aware.
I’m a guy in my 40s. Sounds like the biggest problem is that you’re avoiding having meaningful relationships with people your own age by doing this fwb thing with a guy in his 40s. You’re probably missing out on important things by doing this, and it might make it difficult to have relationships with someone your own age later. You won’t really know if this is good or bad for you until you look back on it in ten years. But most likely you won’t look back on it fondly.
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No. He was pretty upfront about what he wanted and you chose to pursue him anyway. In no world is that taking advantage of you. You’re an adult and made this decision. Just make sure you’re being safe (staying protected so you don’t end up pregnant).
Based on the comments in this thread, can we put to rest the “If the sexes were reversed, the advice would be totally different ” trope that happens every time a younger guy asks for advice in a relationship with a much older woman? This seems more or less the same as what I read yesterday about the young guy seeing a 40+ woman, minus the comments about “if the situation were reversed “
It’s creepy on his part, but that’s just my personal opinion. You seem pretty set on keeping it going. Stay safe.
Going to someone new right away isn’t the way to heal from any breakup. You need to take some time to be on your own, to think about where your relationship went wrong, and what’s your attachment style. Grieving takes time. Why are you rushing into a meaningless situationship focused on sex only? Why would you even want someone older if he’s not providing you with emotional and/ or financial security? I just don’t see the advantage for you.
My 21m little sister is also 18, we’ve both got some pretty serious daddy issues. I deal with mine through dark humour, she deals with hers through sleeping with 40 year old men. I think mine is probably slightly more healthy and she’s become a bit of a family disappointment. Everyone still loves her and all but she’s lost contact with a few family members. I try my best to support and be there for her but I don’t think it’s normal to have that much of an age gap.
I actually commented on that post and I’ll say the same thing i said then.
Why is a 39 yo man looking for a kid?
My advice, stay away of that dude. But you’re of legal age so do whatever you want
This might be a hot take so here it goes:
If you both met when you were legally adults
If you both respect eachother’s boundries
If you both enjoy the relationship that isn’t transactional
I don’t think there’s any problem with it
Sure, the age gap can be seen as somewhat strange and it will severely limit what the two of you can get from the relationship but if the two of you are happy with it, I don’t see the harm in it.
I will need to add a little asterisk comment here though: you’re 18.
You’re literelly on your first year of adulthood, as far as being an adult goes, you’re 0 years old right now, not 18.
You have 0 years of experience living as an adult and the world (and people) treating you as an adult.
A lot of things are now going to work wildly differently in your life.
I’m sure you are a very smart person but smart =/= experienced, eventually you will realize just how much a more experienced adult can hurt you by exploiting you, hopefully by being a third party spectator of a trainwreck instead of experiencing it yourself.
All I’m saying is: be VERY careful, no amount of smarts can prepare you for things you haven’t experienced yet.
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This is predatory behavior on either side. Man or women.
The age gap is a red flag. He looks like an adult & you look like a child. You’re being used even if you don’t realize it. Someone dating someone young has problems. Groomers like making their victims feel like they’re in control.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/protecting-children-sexual-abuse/202002/they-went-willingly-understanding-teen-sexual-grooming
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
I dunno, have fun if it’s fun but I still think it’s creepy for an almost 40 man wanting sex with a teenager. I’m 40f and I don’t find 18 year olds appealing. When I was 18 dating older men, one 36, it was creepy. Sometimes you have to feel it out, see why he’s single this late in life. You never know, maybe he was caught trying to meet teenagers lol. Creeps tend to like teens because they’re inexperienced, naive and know they’ll tolerate more than women their age.
I wanna see OP now. I just hit 30 and have never seen an 18 year old that I didn’t think looked extremely young.
Had a small thing with a 21 year old and I even thought that seemed immature. Sure she was hot, but…
I’m not even as old as this guy and I’d never sleep with someone your age. I’ll never understand it.
I’m in my late twenty’s and dated someone with a similar range age gap. At first it was great, like you said. Then you realize that this person, no matter how intelligent you are, has twice as much life experience than you. Chances are he’s intentionally going to develop the relationship as he wants, and instill some habits in you that you might not otherwise have experienced until later on in life. As opposed to dating someone your age that you figure it out together… this guy already has in mind how he would like the relationship to go. And since he’s his age, he’s potentially so into that ideal that he will say or do whatever to make sure it goes that way. This is an assumption, but he’s not dating someone his age so it is very much possible.
In my experience, it was great until the mask came off, then it very quickly became emotionally abusive. Like others have said, I spent so much time with this person that I missed out on what may have been key events in reuniting me with friends my age, old and new. It also alienated me from many of my loved ones who didn’t approve of the relationship.
Sure, I learned a lot of lessons, but at the cost of my mental health. I took many steps backwards in my happiness trying to keep the relationship balanced at my own expense.
I would recommend you keep in mind this is not a viable long term relationship and keep it light if you choose to continue seeing him. Definitely more of a FWB situation, enjoy some days, enjoy some fondling, but do not get your heart tied up.
You’ve already recognized that it’s not viable long term, try and save yourself the heartbreak at one of the most important time periods of your adult life (truly setting yourself up in the best way for your future).