Hi everyone,
question above. Do you believe there’s something as the wrong or right time to meet someone in your life?
I (f33) was dating this man (m39) for about 6 months until both of our lives were kinda turned upside down. This took a toll on both of our physical and mental health.
We first met about a year before we started seeing each other. Instant attraction and chemistry. The tension was insane, sometimes I struggled just standing next to him.
But we were both in a relationship, he even has a now 8 year old daughter with his now ex. Due to being in relationships, we were just friends. Both of us eventually became single and we started dating. It was amazing. I felt incredibly safe, comfortable, heard and supported. He was my biggest supporter and never stopped pushing me to become the best version of myself. We spent hours talking and cuddling. He told me it was super rare for him as well to have met someone he could open up to in every possible way. And he told me: best sex he ever had.
Anyway, it all went downhill. Not between us, but our lives. In my climbing up the career latter I agreed to take over a large department with about 150 employees. Night Shift. I turned into a mess thanks to months of sleep deprivation. Physically and mentally. I was constant depressed, needy, tired and cried constantly. It was horrible.
At about the same time things with his ex got really messy, law suits around shared property on top of custody battles. His ex kinda kept pulling their 8 year old daughter in as well – which took a toll on her as well. Seeing his daughter like this in top of everything else really burdened him as well. In the 2 years that I‘ve known him I never saw him like that. In contrary to me gaining 10kgs in the last few months through my depression, his stress actually caused him to lose 10kgs simultaneously. He looked horrible. Tired, sad, all that charisma gone.
3 months ago he ended it with me. He insisted that it’s because of him, that he needed to get his things in order, that he struggled keeping himself over water. Honestly, I think I was more of a burden on top of everything. Even though he’d never say it – I got to the point that I hated myself and my body. I think the sum of it all got too much. Considering my weight gain and how I actually started resenting the woman I saw in the mirror I wouldn’t be surprised if attraction was a factor as well.
Anyway, I put my foot down at work, asked to transition into another department. Luckily my boss is very supportive and believes in me. He saw that I wasn’t able to do it anymore health-wise. He offered me another management position with normal working times and insisted on me taking a few weeks of unplanned vacation to just take care of myself.
So that’s what I did for the past 4 weeks. I went on a retreat overseas and just focused on my mental and physical well-being. The depression is gone, the 10kgs I gained are gone. I feel great and like myself again, I like who I see in the mirror. My confidence and happiness are back.
My ex and I went no contact for the past 4 weeks. As far as I know I will see him at a common friend‘s Bday dinner in a few days. Not sure if he’ll be there as we haven’t spoken.
I don’t know how the past weeks have turned out for him, I hope it’s all getting easier and better for him as well.
I can’t shake the thought: maybe there’s a way we can get back what we had?
Do you think there’s tldr a way to re-connect once the timing is better and we’re both in a better place?
4 comments
Certainly there’s a chance. I think you’re right, maybe his life circumstances were just a lot to handle and he wasn’t feeling positive about the relationship, maybe some time apart will give you a fresh start in the future.
Sure, you could talk to him if he’s there.
I think you both jumped in very quickly without taking time for yourself from getting over your previous relationships, especially him.
I would want him to fix his situation with his ex and child first before trying anything with me
I absolutely do believe in “timing” of relationships, because people can just find themselves in very different spots in life – be it distance, or a job, or a family situation, illness, etc. So many outside factors can impact relationships!
I think touching base briefly and letting him know you’re doing better and hoping he’s doing better as well is a good start. I wouldn’t jump to dating again (although I know that can be hard with good exes!) but breaking the no-contact might be a good start.
I think the key point here is that *he* is the one who still might be enmeshed in his situation and may not want to rekindle things – so the delicacy would be letting him have space and deal with his issues, and not have him face the pressure of restarting things. He might miss your friendship more than anything else.
P.S. Quick note – it sounds like you’re *assuming* he dumped you because of weight gain. I’d be careful with that kind of thinking! Your partner should be a person who can withstand the fluctuation of physical appearance, don’t settle for someone who can’t. <3