Sorry if this post is jumbled. I’m going to try and make this as short as possible but I struggle with being concise. I have been feeling this way for awhile. I feel like my BF and I have different values and viewpoints which don’t align. My BF is nice and a good person, but neither of us are able to meet each others needs anymore .
In the very beginning of our relationship I told my BF, let’s call him Dan, that I would not have a relationship like my parents. My father was like another child and mother did everything. I made it very clear I would not be his parent. However, I have felt like this numerous times throughout our relationship. I’ve brought it up at least 6 different times and he always says he’ll get better, that life is just crazy, or that I need to learn to stay in my own lane and just stop nagging him. This is a constant issue we have.
Another issue we have is that we have differing values. I am more liberal while he is more conservative. Based on his life experiences and family I never would have thought he would be this way, but he is. On multiple occasions we’ve gotten into heated arguments over reproductive rights and other social issues. Many times we have somewhat similar views but he wants to be the devils advocate and keeps going. This is something he’s gotten better at not doing. He says that even though we have different views on a lot of things that it’s not an issue for him and it shouldn’t be an issue for me either.
Another big issue is the topic of children. From the very beginning I told him that I didn’t want kids. I’m not 100% opposed but it would need to be once me and my partner are ready mentally and financially, which won’t be anytime soon. I have always said to him I believe that if it happens it happens but if I didn’t have children, I know I would be able to live a happy and fulfilled life. It was nothing that I hid from him, he just didn’t take me seriously.
He eventually brought up how my anti children talk hurt him as he wants a family. The first time we had this conversation I told him it was something that wouldn’t be a for sure thing as long as he’s with me and I asked him if that’s enough for him. Dan thought about it for 2 days and got back to me and said that I alone was enough. However, this didn’t last for long and the subsequent 3-4 times it’s been brought up he’s said that he wants to start a family within the next 5 years and wants kids before his parents pass away.
Each time we talk about it he also says that because I don’t want to have his children that he feels like he’s failed as a man and that if I loved him I would want to have his children. Where we left this topic off is I told him I would need to think about what I want and let him know how I feel. Neither of us has brought this topic up for months.
Finally, our last main issue is that I don’t feel emotionally supported by him in general. Most of our conversations are about his life, work, friends, drama, etc. Dan never asks about my school, work, or friends. Then when I bring things up he is either very critical or uninterested and will turn the conversation back around to himself. This issue has been brought up at least 5-6 times. Every time he does better for a little bit but will eventually revert back to his old ways.
Dan also says him asking how my day is or what I’m doing is enough but I explained to him that’s not enough for me. I explained I need him to show interest in my life and to ask follow up questions show he’s putting in effort. Since addressing it the most recent time he was better for a couple days and now he’s back to focusing on himself.
All of these problems have caused me to start pulling away and losing feelings for Dan. However I haven’t brought up the idea of breaking up as his life is chaotic and I don’t want to hurt him more. His dad was diagnosed with cancer and given 2-3 years to live. This has been very hard on him and added a lot of stress to his life which he sometimes takes out on me.
Last week, Dan said something along the lines of the only reason we aren’t married now is because we don’t have the money. I immediately panicked and felt dread. I told him that I was not on the same page and would not want to get married anytime soon.
Our lives are very connected with each other. Each week for one of the days he’s at work I watch his dog. On top of this he owes me just under $3,000 as I paid for his dogs elbow surgery over a year ago. We had a payment plan but I have not held him to it as he’s had financial issues due to his job cutting his pay and helping his dad cover the cost of things since he’s been out of work.
I’m just worried because he relies on me so much that if we break up it will make things even harder for him. With his dad being sick, I don’t want to add more to his plate. I love him and I know he is a good person, but I’m getting to the point where I just want to be by myself.
Should I breakup with my BF?
TL;DR- My BF and I have differing views/values, sex drives, and are not meeting each others needs. I’m thinking of ending things but don’t want to hurt him as his life is extremely chaotic. Should I breakup with my BF?
5 comments
You should break up with him. He likely won’t be happy with you.
It will be hard but you should end the relationship. Sounds like you both are disconnected too much from each other. Yes it’s true, sometimes in a relationship ypu and your partner won’t see eye to eye or have same viewpoints but once that starts including core values & beliefs then things just won’t work. If you stay it would mean that either you or him cave in & start losing oneself in the relationship just to appease the other. I think from your post you said you would just like to be by yourself, so you already know what you need to do. I wish you the best & know this won’t be an easy journey for you but it’s seems neceessary in order for you to live the life you want.
Break up like yesterday
Each day that you are staying, you are making it more difficult for yourself.He’s a big guy, he’ll live. There is no right or wrong time to break free. Everyone gets hurt and everyone heals in their own time
Each day that you are staying , you can use to heal from this
>I made it very clear I would not be his parent.
So, this is never going to change. You know this. You’ve talked about it repeatedly and it’s who he is.
>Many times we have somewhat similar views but he wants to be the devils advocate and keeps going.
Yeah, most women aren’t interested in devils-advocated arguments about their fundamental rights. So, yeah, this is a problem.
>He eventually brought up how my anti children talk hurt him as he wants a family.
It’s reasonable for him to want children, but it’s NOT okay for him to claim that he’s “hurt” by the fact that you don’t. That’s absurd and, quite frankly, insulting.
> This issue has been brought up at least 5-6 times.
Again, this is who he is. Are you okay with this forever?
> However I haven’t brought up the idea of breaking up as his life is chaotic and I don’t want to hurt him more.
So, couple of things. First of all, you don’t “bring up the idea” of breaking up. You break up with someone. You can not expect him to consent to his own dumping.
Secondly, his dad might have 3 years to live, okay. So you’re … going to stick around for 3 years? Like literally longer than the length of your relationship? And it’s not like you’d dump him the instant his dad died, so, I mean, you gotta give it another year. SO you’re literally saying you’re going to spend twice as long with him as you already have because … his life is chaotic?
>I’m just worried because he relies on me so much that if we break up it will make things even harder for him.
It will make things harder on him. But that’s okay. Life is hard sometimes. And it’s not your job to sacrifice your 20s for someone you are not on the same page with. This sounds like a textbook example of “lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.”
You’re emotionally out. People struggle with this, but the truth is that the *kind* thing to do is to break up with someone cleanly once you know that you no longer want to be in the relationship. Dragging it out almost always results in a much more damaging experience … and you’ll end up breaking up anyway.
The $3000 might be a loss. It doesn’t matter.
If you are thinking about it enough to post this on Reddit, then yes. You deserve certainty and love.