Bit of history – my SO (33M) and I (30F) have been together for 3 years now. In the beginning we talked about having children, when a rough timeline would be and said we would be happy to start a family now. Last year after 2 years of being together I fell pregnant (on the first go) but had a miscarriage after 13 weeks. When we first first out, he was absolutely shell-shocked. We had lots of fights and it was a lot for him to process. He said he wanted kids yet after finding out I was pregnant, he was having second thoughts, and there was talk about terminating the pregnancy. He said he felt that he wasn’t ready to be a father (grew up with an absent mother and didn’t receive much attention from her but his father has been very present and involved) had lots of arguments about the same thing and it was really hard on me mentally. I had to support him a lot and encourage him telling him to believe in himself. After some time he got used to the idea of baby coming and started looking forward to it and planning things out . When I had my miscarriage it was a devastating time and it hit him more than me. I was very sad about the loss but after some time I knew we could try again yet the miscarriage (the whole event and perhaps seeing the foetus) really traumatised him I think and after that something has changed. I am generally a positive person and I don’t hold on to negative emotions and I think I handled my grief/loss well and I’ve gotten my closure to move on. 3 months after the miscarriage I asked if he wanted to try again and he said he needed time to recover emotionally. I said fine that’s understandable, and we agreed we could try in the next 12 months. 6 months later I brought it up casually and again he evaded it and when I brought up the question he avoids the question and brings up something else intentionally. Again I didn’t press and 9 months later I jokingly checked in and tested the waters, and after rhaving the same evasive response I got pissed off at him. I feel like over time he has just decided to withdraw within himself about the whole baby topic and avoid it altogether. He made some excuse about wanting to settle down first (we were moving back home after living overseas), that it’ll be hard to move houses (when pregnant) saying we can try once we are settled down in the same location. I said that’s fine but I wanted to plan our future even if baby is not happening now, for him to get the genetic testing done, look into health insurance for baby, plan what hospital and who’s going to do what, etc. But he won’t even talk about any of that. He said he wanted a baby sometime by the end of next year. I moved overseas for him for 12 months, put my career on hold and explained to him practically I want to have baby done before my career becomes more busy. I personally think as women it’s hard to ascend the career ladder when you have to also consider baby and i don’t want to put it off too long. I think it’s easier having a kid when we have family and in-laws around to help out and before I hit my peak in my career. I don’t want to peak in my career then have a kid and be MIA from work for 12 mths and lose the momentum. He said he would support my career in the beginning and me moving overseas for him was a sacrifice from me (it was for his career progression to go overseas for 12mths) and I thought once we got back to our home he would return the favour and support my career. We are now back in our own place, settled and it feels like he is only thinking about this convenience and not understanding my career and just things I have to think about as a woman. I’ve already lost 12mths from being overseas and then during covid it was a step back for me. I know I’m young still but once I move to the next step in my career it’s a 2 year commitment and I’ll be 32 and I don’t want a baby then drop out of the workforce and lose that peak. I feel like if it’s the other way around for men, it’s fine and expected for us women to support that yet I feel like he’s not doing the same for me. And each time we talk about baby we end up arguing and he shuts down and I shut down and give him the cold shoulder. I asked yesterday about it and the thing that pushed me over the edge was, I asked him “how to you fee about the idea of trying for a baby now” and I thought he would give me a proper explanation but all I got was “I am not against the idea” and when I pressed for more, he said “I said I’m not against the idea. And I need time to think about it” This is the same answer I got last year and the few times we argued as well. It’s been 1.5 years since I was last pregnant, and all he has to say is that?! Are you fking serious and he said Im pushing him and pressuring him. We talked about this all in the beginning! I thought we were on the same page. He said he wanted a baby next year but these things don’t happen over night and it takes 9 mths. I don’t think it is too much of an ask for me to ask what the plan is. Yet I can’t even get the word baby out of his mouth it’s like squeezing water out of a brick. I love him so much and I think we are meant to be but now I’m rethinking this, I don’t want to feel like I’ve forced someone into having a baby with me but if we are not on the same page, let alone not being able to talk about the topic casually, Im sick and tired of being and giving in to him. We’ve been together 3 years now and everything else is perfect we don’t fight or have arguments often , these last 12 mths have only been about baby. That’s honestly the only thing we argue about. He has an avoidant personality and I’m half secure and half avoidant, I probably will resolve conflicts head on but he will avoid the issue and sweep it under the rug. I just end up ignoring him and giving him the cold shoulder cos I’m so sick of listening to the same bullshit excuses. I feel like it’s all talk and there’s no action. He says he loves me so much and he wants to be with me but I don’t know if I should just leave and find someone else who is willing to think about the future and plan it with me.
I also just found out my dad has bladder cancer (aggressive) and I said to my SO if he is not going to have much to live longer I want to give him the opportunity to play with his grandchild. My dad has worked himself to the bone for years and has had a really tough and pitiful life. I just don’t want him to miss out on spending time with his grandchild. This is going to be the first grandchild in my family too. It would break my heart to know he missed out on this opportunity.
If you’ve gotten this far thank you, I’ve got no one else to talk to about this š
4 comments
No.
Your bf will feel downgraded because youāre having a kid for your dad not because you want a kid with him. Bad bad move.
Your gut instinct has shown itself throughout this post and it is absolutely right. You should NOT have a baby with this man. At the absolute best he will be a hands-off dad that leaves you to do everything.
Honestly, with technology the way it is nowadays, 30 is YOUNG to have a baby. I have friends in their mid-40s having their first child. I would advise you to leave this wishy-washy guy and wait as long as you need to find a man 100% committed to starting a family with you. That is SO much better than having kids with a guy who āisnāt sureā like your partner. Worst comes to worst you freeze your eggs at 35ish and have them as a backup when 40 rolls around ā I promise even raising them as a single mom is better than having a deadbeat dad in the picture. I have SO many friends who regret their choice of sperm donor.
This much is clear from reading this. The man does not want a baby. Heās avoided the topic actively and every time you guys talk about it, it seems to lead to a fight.
A baby is not something you can return if you donāt want it. Itās a life long commitment, itās very serious business. Unless youāre sure, itās not something to do. I understand the sentiment with your dad, but thatās no reason to push harder for a baby with your partner who isnāt sure.
As difficult as this is to hear, you may have to decide if itās worth staying if at the end of the day, you definitely want a baby and he still does not.
After the miscarriage I know a lot of the focus is on the woman who’s gone through it and I didn’t want the men to feel like their emotions weren’t valid. I processed my grief much quicker and when he said he was really sad about it I didn’t push him back then and let him have his space. I believed his grief was valid and he suffered emotionally too despite me going through all the pain (physically). I got over the miscarriage quickly. But it’s like somehow it’s changed something in him and he’s just wanting to escape from talking about anything baby related. I don’t know if he has realised the commitments and weight of it all. And last pregnancy he wanted to terminate it and was very unsure about it in the beginningso I don’t know if that’s playing on his mind again that it’s not something you can “reverse”. I honestly never thought about kids and when we first got together he was the one constantly bringing it up and joking about having kids. I only thought about it after meeting him. It’s so puzzling to me that the words and actions aren’t lining up now? Like has he realised it’s more than what he can handle?