My husband and I have 2 kids, ages 3 and 6 months. My husband works long hours and doesn’t do any housework or childcare. I’m a SAHM and run a small business part time that actually makes more money than his job right now (and we’re still barely scraping by). Here’s the thing: my husband is unhappy with me, telling me I need to change, and told me last night he is moving out.
He claims when I ask him to help with housework or childcare, it’s disrespectful and abusive. He also told me I need to get eyelash extensions, lip filler, go to the gym and have sex with him at least every other night for him to maybe consider coming back. He said “rejecting him” when he wants to have sex and I’m exhausted or not feeling well is unacceptable and I can’t do that anymore.
Fellow moms, I think you all can understand how overwhelming and exhausting my life is as it is. This just came out of nowhere and he’s been holding it in for a while. We are in couples therapy but he lies to the therapist so we haven’t made much progress. Anyway does anyone have any advice on how to go from here? We are relatively new in town and I have no family/friend support here.
16 comments
How does he lie to the therapist? And if he’s lying, are you letting him get away with it w/o challenging him on it?
Sounds to me like you’re better off with him gone. I think is be excited he’s out….
Either file for child support or have court ordered 50/50 custody. He can learn to clean his own place and clean after the kids by himself.
Ok this is how I define manipulation: compelling someone to give more than you have a right to ask for.
You want to compel him to do what he should already be doing: helping with child care and household chores. This is not manipulation, it’s simply a (reasonable) demand that he doesn’t want to meet. It feels, to him, like you’re encroaching on his rights, because according to him, that’s all your job.
He wants to compel you to do 100% of all chores and child care, plus go to the gym, plus have sex every other day, plus get eyelash extensions, plus get lip injections. This is manipulation because you are *already* doing more than he has any right to demand. The only difference between your opinion and his, is that your opinion happens to be correct. He really is asking way too much!
The real world doesn’t work the way he wants it to. This is how narcissists are. Its all about them and what they want. And what he wants is a wife who does everything, and keeps up with her appearance, and puts out. Realistically, your energy expenditure and your joint finances don’t allow you to do what he wants. And, according to him, that’s your fault.
There’s nothing you can do to keep him. Let him leave.
It might make you feel better to crunch the numbers. You say your part time small business makes more than his actual job does, but you’re still barely scraping by. How much would you actually have to spend if you didn’t have him to worry about? You’re already doing all the housework and child care in addition to your business. What if you didn’t have to pay for his food, his car, his clothing? What if you didn’t have to spend all the *energy* it takes to deal with him? Can you expand your small business to make even more money? Will it be financially feasible for you to move to a cheaper location, and then work more hours at your business and hire a babysitter or even just a “mommy’s helper”? I’m not saying it won’t be hard. I *am* saying he’s probably not providing as much benefit to your situation as you think he is.
What do you actually lose by allowing your husband to leave? And what do you gain?
He says you are abusive and disrespectful.
What do you say about that?
There’s two sides to every story. What do you think his is?
If I were you I’d change the locks on the doors and call a lawyer. Good riddance to useless rubbish.
I hear the tired part and empathize but men are generally very simple with that. He needs sex, give it to him if you can and you’ll like the change…imo
If you already know he’s a narcissist, that’s your answer. He’s not going to change unless he wants to, and since narcissists never think they’re wrong, it’s highly unlikely he will. I think he did you a favor by leaving, honestly.
Thank your lucky stars he left and work on building your new life without him.
Reach out to a good support system for help. And I’d consult with a good divorce lawyer.
So here is a man who works his ass of all day. You are a SAHM who has a part time gig and want him do a bunch of chores when he comes home. You want him to do all those things but are not willing to understand his point or see his needs! As a dude I would be out the door too.
Look, at the end of the day he does not need you. He can live life just fine without you. He can hire a maid to clean his home and if he needs sex he can hire a prostitute and it cheaper than having a wife. He can and will not only survive but thrive without you.
Now if you are going to get a divorce then for the children make it is amicable as you can. Just remember life as a single mother is not all it’s cracked up to be. But good luck with that.
Get an initial consult with a family law attorney.
Get a divorce and lose the dead weight. Why are you wasting your time and money with this loser?
Celebrate that he is gone!!!! Get your life in order and make it relatively impossible for him to have any contact with you. You have a great job, you are fortunate he left. Stop the counseling because he is the type who will manipulate and lie to therapist. Waste of time and money. Plus, why on earth would you want him back?
Good riddance. And don’t let him get away with the lies–ever.
I know this is difficult and overwhelming, and it hurts. But this actually seems like good news OP. He doesn’t seem interested in being a partner, and he can pay child support that will allow you to get the real, tangible support you need to raise your children. He has taken this to an ultimatum and has actually moved out. I would not let him back unless and until he is willing to be a full partner. Don’t back down, this is the inflection moment.
A great lawyer will be a big start. You’re going to be just fine once you’ve lost the 200lb anchor weighing you down.