I’m going to keep this as short as possible.
Met him OLD, me 36F him 42M. To be blunt we’re on the verge of falling in love. I’m not one to just throw that out there. Been a few months and things are great.
He’s allergic to cats. Pretty bad allergy. I have one, was in my OLD profile. He’s semi anti meds in general and I’m never getting rid of her. We’ve actually never spent time at mine because of it – I stated it need to happen next week which he’s agreed to.
We had a coming to Jesus, few months into dating. Both of us feel like this is an issue but we’re head over heels. Am I wasting my time? He’s the first guy I’ve really been into in 5 years since my last LTR. I was clear he’s the one who has to compromise on this – I’m willing to compromise on his spirituality/religion, he’s Christian and I’m not. Literally started crying, and I’m not a cryer.
I’m completely panicked. Mainly because, I’m a realist when it comes to dealbreakers. Do I end now and move forward or what? First time I’ve felt this way in so long.
24 comments
You seem to have made your choice already- and just want others to validate your decision
If your cat means more than him- then let him go, and let him be happy.
I’m allergic to dogs and Jesus, which has made dating in the mid-west all but impossible. I’m also allergic to cats, but am willing to make an exception for an incredible woman (she knows who she is).
Unfortunately, not much you can do. I’ve had to end relationships because of my dog allergies. While I’ve been willing to rehome my children for people allergic to kids, it would be cruel to ask someone to rehome their pet.
Best of luck to you.
My bf is allergic to cats and one of the cats hates him and swipes and growls.
He takes a allergy medicine and still wants to sleep over and spends time with me and the monsters.
I do make sure I clean extra to make it easier and have an air filter etc, but allergy medicine is a must for this situation to make it tolerable for him.
Don’t feel/or think you aren’t worth it if he’s weird about this. You’re absolutely worth an antihistamine.
And people that understand the love and support pets can bring us wouldn’t ask us to give them up.
As someone who used to be religious, you need to be ok with the fact that “Jesus” will always come first in your relationship to him. When things get bad and when he has doubts, he will look to the sky instead of looking to you.
I wouldn’t date someone religious unless it was a “I go on Christmas” kinda thing. You have unequal life views and expectations from the start, and you’ll always be a project for him to try to convert.
And the cat thing is obviously an issue, if neither of you will compromise on it then why bother?
I personally would never let a pet come between a partner and myself. This is also one of the many reasons why I, an animal lover, choose not to have pets. But that’s just me; that’s not you. You and this guy simply have to make some decisions about your priorities. If rehoming the pet is not an option for you, you need to ask about his options. I will say, we always had cats growing up even though my dad was allergic and eventually his allergy just kind of went away. Kinda shitty for him but it worked out, I guess? If your guy absolutely cannot and will not be around the cat in any capacity… then it just is what it is. Is the cat old enough to where you could like… only spend time at his place until the cat dies? Maybe hard to say because cats can live a very long time.
This guy knew you had a cat before he started dating you, and, presumably, he also knew he was allergic to cats. AND he’s 42, not 22; he ought to have had enough life experience to realize that for him to date a cat owner was inherently problematic. BUT, he did it anyway.
Why? Two possible reasons: (1) Notwithstanding the fact that he’s 42, he’s still immature OR (2) he’s the kind of guy whose MO is to lay back passively until other people conform to HIS needs and wishes. Either way, long term with him is likely to prove miserable, with or without the cat. Time to bail. Advice from a guy.
I don’t understand why people put themselves in these positions where they let themselves fall for people that they are incompatible with. He has a bad allergy and you have a cat. Did you ever see this ending differently?
Things you can do to help on your end – brush and wipe down your cat regularly with pet wipes to reduce shedding and dander, HEPA filters, and cleaning before he comes over. I would also consider keeping her out of your bedroom and cover the couch with a throw blanket or something… If you like to snuggle together it kinda sucks, but it’ll make things easier for your guy. Also look into Purina LiveClear- it’s a diet that helps reduce allergens in cat hair and dander so people with allergies don’t react as strongly. I read the papers on it and it’s legit and absolutely worth trying.
For him – he needs to be willing to take allergy medicine. You can’t do all the work. Antihistamines are so safe and there are lots of non drowsy options. There is also allergy desensitization which I feel doubtful your guy is willing to try if he doesn’t even want to take antihistamines but it’s a good option if you guys are in it for the long haul.
If he’s not willing to take some medication to be around you then I don’t think he’s worth it tbh. I’m a cat owner myself and I wouldn’t want a partner who doesn’t even TRY to coexist with my cat, and I certainly wouldn’t give up my cat.
Personally I wouldn’t want to give up if the feelings are that strong..but there needs to be a compromise no question. If he isn’t willing to take meds to deal with the cat that’s a problem. I am allergic to cats and have been attracted to men that have cats. It never got to that point but if it did I’d take the allergy meds and at least try then go from there. If he isn’t willing to compromise on that he may not be willing to compromise on even bigger things you may face in the future. Ultimately there needs to be a compromise or it won’t work.
Would you rather spend old age with your cat or this guy? Your cat won’t be with you when it matters most, when you’re in old age and sick, but this guy or your future children might be. If your cat could talk to you, it would want you to be happy.
All healthy relationships require compromise from both sides. When you said you compromised on his religion what does that entail even? I mean a compromise isn’t one person just “dealing with” another person’s issues. Compromise is both people can concede things to the other party for the good of the whole.
I mean if I dated a Christian who said “okay you just have to celebrate Christmas with me and attend midnight mass” or whatever once a year I could do that because it’s whatever to me at the end of the day. On the other hand, if they said I had to read scripture, regularly attend mass, wear a giant cross around my neck and [insert other mandates] I’d be out of there because that’s not compromise.
I’m super allergic to cats. I own one. I do take medication but it doesn’t always work and I have an attack maybe 2-3 times a week. I tried making the cat stay out of the bedroom but I only lasted so long. It was can super miserable I’ll be honest. Your eyes itch, your skin itches, you sneeze and your eyes water and it lasts a long time. He will have to decide if he can deal. It’s really not on you. Goodluck.
Edit: also, he knew that was on your profile? I guess a solid reader and reading comprehension has fallen lower on the list? I feel ya girl. xo
You should talk with him about your concern and arrive at a solution together. But, be prepared if that solution means things end. You have an opportunity to see how you two navigate bumps-in-the-road together.
He may be open to the occasional antihistamine.
I’m anaphylactic to cats. No amount of allergy medication will help. I’ve been attracted to people and had great connections with people who have cats. Whenever I find out they have one I immediately end it. I’m never going to ask someone to choose me over their pet.
I also have been in a situation where someone called themself a dog person and as we got more serious it became clear he didn’t actually like dogs. Would actively ignore my dog and thought everything about him was gross. I quickly cut ties (other reasons as well). In my opinion this person hasn’t earned the right to tell you how to live your life or what to do with your pet. He can take allergy meds or he’s out. There’s someone out there who will love you and your cat ❤️
Benadryl will ruin your whole day, but a quick spritz of Flonase at the beginning of the day goes a long way.
Tbh, I have severe pet allergies, but I acclimate if I’m around the same animals for a long time. I think he probably would, too. In the interim, dude should just buck up and take something non-drowsy.
What was he expecting, that you’d just rehome the cat if you liked each other?
The only acceptable response would be that he was looking for something casual and fell in love. I’m gobsmacked by the alternative: that he thought he’d be more important than someone’s beloved pet.
Pets are a values difference. You have mismatched values, especially if he “doesn’t believe in medication.” Another values difference!
I could go on. Your cat sounds great.
Why on earth is he anti-med? He can’t pop a Claritin? It’s not exactly an experimental drug. I wouldn’t give my cat up for anything.
My ex was allergic to my cat, but she would take allergy medicine and I would make sure to spend more time cleaning when she was here. She was looking into getting a shot that is supposed to help make the immune system less sensitive to cat saliva (it’s the saliva people are allergic to not the hair, just happens that cat constantly lick themselves)..
But she ended up cheating on me before that happened so can’t say how good the shots are, also they are super expensive.
It’s not that complicated, it’s just an answer you don’t want to be true.
If he *never* wants to take allergy medication, and you *never* want to get rid of your cat, then it’s *never* going to work.
As an animal person I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who couldn’t be around my pets for whatever reason either.
Talk to him, let him know if he’s not willing to be the one who compromises on this you’ll have to end things. Now here’s the really hard part – you’ll have to actually follow through on ending things. And that will suck. And it will be head. But remind yourself that even though it hurts in the moment, you need to do this for your future self.
This isn’t just about the cat by the way. In a long term relationship both people really need to be okay making reasonable compromises for each other. If he’s not willing to this early on it may become re-accruing theme where you’re the one always expected to give in.
Well..lets take it one step at a time. If you’ve only been dating a few months, take your time. There are no decisions to be made. On the “verge” of falling in love is just words. Let’s see what happens a few more months down the line. I hope you do both fall in love.
The moment of truth is coming up as you have stated it “needs to happen next week” in terms of him coming to your house and finding out how bad his cat allergy truly is. Frankly that will tell him all he really needs to know. If it’s not that bad he will be able to tolerate it. If his cat allergies are really bad, it’s naive of you to think a grown man will accept that long term when he can just find a woman without things he is allergic to. Hopefully his allergies aren’t that bad.
Either way there is nothing to do now. You keep going and welcome him to your home and see what happens. Keep loving your cat and there is no reason to give it up as youguys are just dating. I love dogs and cats for sure..but if the choice came down to a person I was really in love with or a cat..I am sure which one I would choose.
You should consider letting this man go so he can be happy.
Edit: please update after his first time at your house. Good luck OP!
I have a friend on the same situation and they’ve been together a few years and they made it work.
When they were dating it was him home only, just accept that. Then when they moved in together they made the bedroom a cat free area, (even if he travels, cats not allowed) put cat gates on the door and etc. And he takes antihistamines when needed. They made it work.
It sucks that she can’t like sleep with her cats anymore, but she gets plenty of couch cuddles.
Anti-meds would weird me out, frankly. It’s not like benadryl is some new experimental med that going to cause him to grow tentacles and develop superpowers. (I would be suspicious of what other non-standard opinions about medical science etc he might have???)
However, I have found that high amounts of caffeine can do a semi-decent job when I am out of meds, in a pinch.
Air filter, clean litter box, fresh sheets and pillow cases, lots of vacuuming (esp furniture), and brushing the cat daily for several days can help.
cats gotta go.
The cat doesn’t give shitty ultimatums, remember that. Faith isn’t an issue, cynicism is. It’s not the guy’s fault he’s allergic to cats either. He doesn’t want to be on meds if currently he doesn’t have to be around cats. You could talk to your vet about other options because even pet stores at some point, not sure if they still do, sell anti allergen household sprays for this very scenario. Maybe your vet has safe suggestions or products in house. If it were me I wouldn’t re-home my pets, I’d find accomodation like a spray or something and if the guy couldn’t handle it I’d let him go. It is odd that you mentioned having cats on your profile and I’m sure profiles also list religious/spiritual background and their preferences attached. So you were both aware of an incompatibility from the beginning.